“Oh great pizza sage,” Peter began. “I wish to order the perfect pizza for my gathering, one which will please everyone.”

The pizza sage, seated upon his great stone pie, replied without opening his eyes. “Order multiple pizzas, my son, one half-pizza for every guest who expresses a strong preference and an additional half-cheese as a contingency.”

“Uh, yeah, I don’t want to do that,” Peter said. “I want to order ONE pizza.”

“Describe to me your friends’ preferences, and I will tell you the perfect order,” the pizza sage said evenly, eyes still closed, with no sign that he was upset after Peter rejected his firest suggestion.

“Okay, so I like classic pepperoni and cheese, but Tandi is a vegetarian, Cooper is a vegan, Alf is a pescatarian, and his girlfriend Britney is a Republican who refuses to eat vegetables or cheese substitutes.”

“Holy shit, boy,” the pizza sage said, evenly, eyes closed. “There is no pizza that has ever existed or will ever exist that can fulfill those criteria. You need to go to a taco bar or something.”

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