The Most Excellent Order of Retired Pirates (MEORP) had its annual convention in the place that was most naturally suited to high seas robbery, lawlessness, and acts of savagery: Florida. While the keynote speaker, Redpatch Ockham, was considered a major ‘get’ for the event, most of the retired buccaneers and pensioned pirates were there for a glimpse of Captain Charles “Crackerjack” Jackson, who had retired undefeated after winning both naval battles, infamy, and the Mr. Beard Universe title five years running. Reclusive in the extreme, no one had seen Crackerjack since he’d retired, and outside of a short audio interview with FPB on the event of his quartermaster Blondbeard’s death, had made no public statements either.

The furor quickly grew into a scandal when Crackerjack arrived via chartered limo…without his trademark calico three-shade beard. Not even a mustache! Crackerjack was as clean-shaven as his sixth wife who accompanied him as his handler, his face and pate as shiny as the hook which replaced his left hand. Relaxing in the convention’s green roon in a Hawaiian shirt, white knee socks, and sandals, Crackerjack was deluged by reporters looking to scoop each other on the fate of his famous facial hair.

“It’s quite the scandal, isn’t it?” one asked.

“Why, not at all,” chuckled Crackerjack. “I’ve simply chosen to wear an invisible beard so as not to scratch my beloved’s face, that’s all.”

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