Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Dealings with the fae are often frustrating, but Peysk has always been at least willing to grant me an interview, if not to always answer my questions how I would like them to be answered. They tend to flit about in speech as they do on their gossamer wings, moving from one topic to the next as a butterfly might alight on the different flowers that catch their fancy. I once had the opportunity to ask Peysk about curses and markings that they had leveled on mortals after seeing them curse a sneak-thief to glow like an incandescent mushroom in darkness.

In return, Peysk told me a rambling series of anecdotes that bled into one another, moving back and forth with the fluidity of a bar tale. In one case, they had bestowed a “gift” upon a freckled “friend” that led their freckles to constantly change their arrangement when no one was looking, and for them to tend toward the seasonal stars above. Another mortal so “gifted” was vain about her hair, so Peysk made it react with air as with water, flowing and waving as if submerged and always regrowing to the same length.

Some “gifts” were less mundane. A man who had shouted at Peysk was cursed to speak in singsong, as if singing through a musical play, except when he tried to sing, at which time he would be scratchy and out of tune. A particular tough had been magicked to change all of his tattoos to pixie wings, with each new skull or dagger meeting the same fate.

Peysk seemed proudest of their curse on a petty nobleman most of all, clutching their sides with laughter at the thought. He had been cursed so that no one in a meeting would ever remember his face or what he’d said, condemning him to obscurity and ridicule.

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Though I would hesitate to call her my friend, I once chatted with Nymbal Gobkin when she was attempting to distract me enough that my pocket could be picked. Knowing that, even at her tender age, she had wormed her way into many a situation only to rob it blind, I asked about an interesting and lucrative find, one for the history books.

Nym replied that she had once delved into what appeared to be an ancient crypt, set back off a road that was isolated but used often enough. It appeared to be a tomb from the Third Dynasty, of the sort often filled with burial goods due to that ancient civilization’s mistaken belief that such items could be carried into the afterlife. Powerful curses of course attended such places, but that did not deter my frenemy.

The tomb seemed to be empty but unlooted, and a companion of Nym’s, who she referred to only as “a fool,” charged ahead with the intent to claim it for himself, using a stickyfoot ball to secure Nym in place. It was then that the true nature of the place revealed itself: the tomb as an elaborate ruse for a group of bandits, who leapt out to capture and rob whomever sought to loot the tomb. They secured Nym’s compatriot, after which she left.

I protested that this was hardly lucrative, as failing to be robbed Is not so much a gain as it is avoiding a loss. For her part, Nym responded that she looted the compatriot’s now-unguarded possessions, claiming them for herself while simultaneously depriving him of the means to affect a ransom. When I turned away, disgusted, Nymbal added that, as far as she knew, he was still imprisoned.

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Dr. Ocsid once related a story to me about why locals in the Chirpwilds avoid a particular path. He and his companions took the route anyway, surmising it to be quick and—most importantly—shady on a rather hot summer’s day. They found that at one point, a tree had grown over the road. Ocsid, who once taught botany, called it a case of spontaneous grafting and fusion between two great old oaks, and I haven’t the knowledge to dispute him.

As they passed beneath its boughs, though, a branch snaked down and stole Ocsid’s back. It did not contain his greataxe, nor his targe, and he already wore his armor. Rather, the satchel contained several books that he had purchased for his personal library at the great Tomery. Recognizing that the act of snatching required an animating will, Ocsid politely requested that the tree return his pack.

“Why should I?” was the response. “You’ve felled my kin and pulped them up to make your silly little books. I, as their relative, ought to inherit.”

Ocsid’s protestation that the paper was made from papyral reeds fell on deaf branches, and the tree tossed its prize from one barky grasp to the next, laughing all the while.

Eventually, Ocsid—faced with the question of losing his books or being forced to destroy a truly remarkable specimen—decided on a gambit. He told the tree that he had already read the books, and that his mind was made up on what to do next. When the tree inquired what the books held—lacking the eyes to read them—Ocsid replied “Woodcarving and lumberjackery.”

The tree promptly returned the satchel and fell silent and still.

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My friend Hazelwald claims that once, on the road to Steamshire, she and her party encountered a most bizarre form of toll, if indeed it can be called that. Hazelwald describes it as a confidence trick made by a con man, but what is a toll booth but a confidence trick with the power of government behind it?

Hazelwald’s group was on the Low Road to Steamshire when they encountered a washout, where a small creek had jumped its banks and carved out a good part of the road. A very dangerous situation, to be sure, especially not long after the flood when any attempt to ford is likely to end in a drowning death. Though skilled in the Art herself, Hazelwald knew no incantation or cantrip that could help the situation, but a firm voice soon announced that they could: a motley sorcerer or hedge wizard stood nearby, and he claimed to be a fallow stranded traveler that could ease their burden.

For what he termed a “modest fee”—Hazelwald would not divulge the amount, even when prodded—the enchanter promised to part the waters and allow the travelers safe passage. Already behind on the road, Hazelwald’s companions outvoted her and paid the man’s demanded fee. Sure enough, with a spell that my friend failed to recognize, the man carved a dry passage through the torrent with what looked like an elongated portal. The travelers then crossed without incident.

Turning back to thank their rescuer, though, they found that the man and the river had vanished. The road was intact, there was no sign of a creek, and the environs were as dry as their coin purse.

Further study has revealed that this trick is often reported on isolated roads near Steamshire, with one clever hedge wizard reaping a tidy living from it.

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Seraph Guilder, Wizard’s Workshop Head
Lvl. 5 elf rogue/wizard

You see the head of the Wizard’s Workshop, beset on all sides by panicky students with poor time management skills. Despite the hubbub, they seem cool and collected, tackling crises one at a time as they emerge.

Specialized in the repair and maintenance of the complex magical engines in the Wizard’s Workshop, Guilder is currently overwhelmed by students desperate to complete their projects before the finals deadline and besieged by desperate and underprepared students. While they know how to use all the technology in the Workshop and are happy to demonstrate it, they are also unable to give players their full attention.

Players must succeed on a DC 12 fortitude save in order to raise their voices enough to be heard, and succeed on a DC 12 perception check in order to hear an answer. Otherwise, they will hear only garbled snatches of speech. The mob of students can be cleared with a DC 13 Intimidate roll; if they are attacked, Guilder will use teleport to move the players to a random room in the library, though they will not notice if players return.

It is important for Guilder to examine the conjuration file that Prof. Jade gave the players, as only they can recognize that it contains a critical error and repair it. Only a repaired conjuration file will be conjured properly; otherwise, a corrupted orb will be summoned. If battle is joined against a corrupted orb, Guilder will focus on evacuating students from the workshop for four rounds and will only return to join the party in combat starting in round five.

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Doctor Hawk, Antiquarian Professor
Lvl. 5 gnome wizard

An ancient gnome in fine but worn robes sits at the machine, reading a scroll and making occasional notes with an enormous ink quill as they find items of interest. They wear a pair of enormous eyeglasses that are almost an inch thick, and seem totally ignorant of your presence.

Dr. Hawk is a retired professor who is working on what they hope will be the definitive book on the cultural history of landsharks. A former teacher, they are happy to help players use the machines and to give them advice, but this is complicated by their very poor eyesight and hearing. Dr. Hawk has a 50% chance of misunderstanding players, and a 50% chance of failing to notice any changes in their environment.

Dr. Hawk would prefer to finish their research in peace. If asked politely, and they understand the question, Dr. Hawk will move out of the way and leave, but will do so without showing players how to use the reader unless asked. If treated rudely, Dr. Hawk will cast silence on the party and ignore them. In either case, unless interrupted, Dr. Hawk will not leave the reader. Dr. Hawk does not know how to enter the Wizard’s Workshop, as they do not care for “modern technology.”

If the players are attacked by a shadow or are otherwise in combat, Dr. Hawk has a 50% chance per round of not noticing; if they notice, they will enter combat on the player’s side. Due to their poor eyesight, there a 1 in 6 chance that they will accidentally attack players for half damage.

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A dwarven student is attempting to print a spell, muttering to themselves, while goblins continually bedevil them.

Cyrix is attempting to print a scroll of detect magic that serves as their final exam for SPCR 201, Intermediate Spellcrafting. However, they have encountered a jam in the printing press and are being harassed by goblins. If the goblins are attacked, Cyrix will join combat against them; if they are driven off, they will gruffly indicate gratitude. Cyrix has a valid student ID that they will lend to players if and only if they are able to print their spell; their ID has 5 Express gold on it. In exchange for a further 5 gold, Cyrix will print an extra copy of detect magic.

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A large green pointy-eared goblin, standing head and shoulders above their peers, sits in the middle of the Goblin Commons. “It’s late at night and a dangerous time of year, friend,” they say. “In exchange for a gift, we’ll…protect…you as you move through here.”

Tarf will demand tribute every time players attempt to move through the Goblin Commons, and they will not allow players to approach or use the Hall of Prophecy, the Printing Press, or the Duplicator until tribute has been offered. They will, however, allow players to approach the vending machines for the purpose of buying snacks, provided those snacks are then given in tribute. Tarf knows the layout of the library well, but is on poor terms with the librarians and does not know the location of any specific books or items, nor do they know the secret to entering the Wizard’s Workshop.

Players can bluff their way past Tarf with a DC 15 Persuasion or Intimidate check, but the DC will increase by +2 each time they do so. Tarf will allow players to withdraw if they refuse to pay, but if they attempt to proceed, they will attack along with 3 goblins. Players can also attempt to sneak through, which is also a DC 15 and increases by +2 each time. If Tarf and their goblins are killed, any non-food tribute items can be retrieved from their bodies.

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Shadow-of-the-Pipes
Lvl 1 Shadow

The spirit of a departed soul that passed away in the first floor restrooms, Shadow-of-the-Pipes appears in any of the men’s or the women’s restrooms randomly. There is a 50% chance (1d4 1-2), upon entering either room, that Shadow-of-the-Pipes will be present, rising to 75% (1d4 1-3) if the door has been mysteriously locked from the inside. Regardless of whether Shadow-of-the-Pipes is present, a CR 5 perception check can reveal its faint moans.

Upon encountering players, Shadow-of-the-Pipes will demand that they leave immediately, having spent their mortal life often turned away from occupied bathrooms, it seeks solace there in death. A CR 12 charisma, persuasion, strength, or intimidation check can calm Shadow-of-the-Pipes temporarily to allow for conversation; otherwise it will attack but will not pursue players beyond the bathroom. Shadow-of-the-Pipes will give only vague and evasive answers to questions, and will also demand that its overdue library book Voynich II: The Day After be returned so that it might know peace in death.

If the players clear up the missing book, Shadow-of-the-Pipes will appear in the next bathroom that they enter, grateful for their deed and ready to ascend to the next level. In gratitude, they will give the answer to one question or reveal the location of a magic item before vanishing in a burst of light. Shadow-of-the-Pipes knows how to get into the Wizard’s Workshop (making with sign of the shark over their heart) and most other library questions, at the DM’s discretion. If players opt for a magic item, it will be a potion of insight or a scroll of invisibility hidden behind some pipes in the current bathroom.

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Erunet the Patient
Level 5 half-elf noble

Erunet the Patient is an experienced librarian and the foremost scholar on the classification of magical fungi in the realm. While they can and do perform library work, answer reference questions, and teach classes, their true passion is the classification of magical fungi and they will unconsciously attempt to turn the topic of any conversation to it. Presenting a mold or fungus of significant interest will around Ernet’s undivided attention, and they will reward it with the gift of knowledge, a healing potion, or a scroll of invisibility depending on how persuasive players are on a DC 13 Will save.

Erunet is otherwise currently teaching a class of rowdy freshmen and is very busy and distracted, only able to offer brief and incomplete answers to questions. They know the answers to most library questions, however, even if they are not currently able to divulge them.

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