Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

A thief’s reputation is what I’ve got
Stealing trinkets both shiny and plain
But that’s mostly a myth, an unfair blot
With which my proud honor is stained

I’d much rather be known for a beautiful tail
More than half of my length, so I’m told
Of all of the blackbirds I’m sure to be hailed
As the one who’s black, white, and bold

What am I?

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They know I’m a great hunter
But think that I don’t give a hoot
Expanding my range up thru Canada
Giving my cousins the boot

I can’t help it if I am invasive
Out on the west coast so far
Some people find me pervasive
But then again I’m always behind bars

What am I?

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A rarer bird you’re unlikely to find
In Colombian mountains high
There are so few left of all our kind
Our extinction may be nigh

So when you next must pass
Through Andean passes remote
Look for a large black mass
Upon which a blue beak floats

What am I?

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Watch me fluff myself up
To do a mating dance
Twitch around to show my stuff
Just to have a chance

My mate and I might give you
A red-rimmed evil eye
We won’t bother raising kids, too
Just drop the eggs and say goodbye

What am I?

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Plenty of birds where I come from
Though there’s not so many of me
You’ve likely seen my flighted chums
Perched on pirates of high seas

Unlike them I cannot flutter
And I only stalk at night
You might hear the booms I utter
As I look for Mrs. Right

What am I?

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From a peaceful land I come
But no peaceful bird am I
Wings with sinister purpose drum
In formation across the sky

Don’t approach me near a riverbank
Harass my children if you dare
For I’m a dinosaur, to be frank
And I’ll bite you anywhere

What am I?

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If you only saw my dear wife
You’d never know what I am called
She has been spotty all her life
While I am most black and bold

I show a small patch of color
Right where my wing meets my back
It’s not visible on any other
So if you see it you’re on the right track

What am I?

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Unlike fishers you’ve seen before
My feathers aren’t all watertight
I have to dry them on the shore
If I ever want to take flight

Old men know me when I breed
Big white eyebrows displayed at the pond
It’s these that named me, yes indeed
Even though they’re not normally on

What am I?

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Pecking out a calf’s eyes
So to death I swiftly bring
Some are moved by its cries
But I like the veal thing

Before you call me heartless
A scavenger and worse
Remember that I love my kids
Even if their nest’s your hearse

What am I?

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A very rare bird soars before you
Perhaps the rarest of all
Titanic, majestic from every view
Perched up a long way to fall

You may see my cousins still circling
You may hear my recorded call
For my kind the reaper’s still waiting
But for now he doesn’t have us all

What am I?

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