Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

“Some of these names have to be made up. Derpmire? Newtownsville? Come on.”

“What’s so made up about them? Derpmire was founded on a drained swamp by Georg Derpmann, who immigrated from Schloß Derberg over two hundred years ago. It’s not his fault that his name is funny now.”

“And Newtownsville?”

“Look over here. Townsville township. Used to be a bigger city, but most of the people left to found Newtownsville after the flood of 1887.”

“Why call it Townsville though?”

“Because it was founded by Reverend J. J. Towns, that’s why!”

“Hm. Okay. What about this over here, then.”

“Ass Butte? Now that one I’m not sure about.”

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Model: L-22 “Cygnet” Liaison Cruiser
Manufacturer: Lysander Astronautics
Length: 50m
Beam: 30m
Crew Complement: 10 (L-22A VIP transport), 20 (L-22B command cruiser), 3 (L22-C transport)
Propulsion: 1x Rabal Class IV hyperdrive, 2x Serova heavy impulse engines, 12x Prak und Daim light vector thrusters
Protection: 1x Mark IX anti-ordinance shield, 1x Pulowski emergency backup defensive screen
Defensive Systems: ALF-186 electronic countermeasure pod, MGS-96 decoy flares (180x), HRO-90 acoustic decoys (x6), EM-85 multi-band scramblers (x3)
Armament: None

Lysander Astronautics produced the C-21 and C-21A “Osprey” light cruisers for the Star Confederation during the Incursion Wars, where they proved to be highly able craft which made up for their relative lack of shielding and armor with good maneuverability and the ability to care a relatively heavy armament of laser cannons, racked missiles, and even torpedoes.

After the Incursion Wars, large numbers of C-21A Ospreys were left over, and many were extensively modified for noncombat roles. The L-22 is the most common modification, performed by the factory, and involved removing all weapons and targeting systems, replacing them with usable space. The ships were instead equipped with countermeasures, flares, and decoys, as well as improved shields and emergency defensive screens, making them capable of surviving the moderate combat expected in pirate acts or internal disputes.

The L-22A replaces most of the weapon and targeting systems with crew cabins, a dining area and kitchen, and a reception area, enabling it to be used as a VIP transport, public relations ship, or press cruiser, equipped with a MOSEBY hospitality computer in place of the original COSINE combat unit. The Star Confederation often has several L-22s on standby at major fleet actions or public events, and their relatively luxurious quarters and the high quality of food aboard have made them coveted posting. Fleet members often joke about the Lux-22, a ship which will keep you in luxury as long as you’re not interested in seeing any actual combat. The L-22B adds additional communication equipment, while the L-22C ha only one cabin and the remainder of the ship is given over to cargo space.

While the Star Confederation was interested in the possibility of converting L-22 models into C-21s should the possibility arise, in practice this would be very difficult. While weapons hardpoints still exist, the necessary targeting computers and equipment are not present, and the L-22’s reactor is not designed for the extra power draw. In theory, weapons use would be possible if power were removed from other systems on a manual basis, but this is rarely tried in practice.

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Dymaxion Interstellar Systems saw explosive growth after their Combat Operating System, Interdiction/Eradication was adopted as the standard shipboard operating system and artificial intelligence for Star Confederation vessels. Naturally, the different constituent parties all used their own version, but all were based on the same kernel and were interoperable, greatly streamlining the complex logistics of Confederation defense.

Then they tried to corner the civilian market as well.

The result was Management Operating System, Entertainment Boat/Yacht, designed for high-end pleasure cruisers and other such vessels. DIS hoped that their adoption across Star Confederation hospitality ships would result in have a halo effect and allow them to oust longtime rival Galaxy Hyperdyne Systems with their Boat Operating System. To smooth the transition, over ten million modifications were made to the COSINE codebase, and the brusque military personality was replaced with what DIS imagined was a hospitable butler.

The resulting system was snobbish, overly prissy, obsessed with minor details, and generally regarded as a terrible boss and worse employee. If not for a strong preorder from the Star Confederation Hospitality Corps, DIS would have bankrupted itself on the venture. As it was, only ships that were locked into Confederation contracts used MOSEBY, though pirated versions did gain some popularity in less-legal fields once it became apparent that military grade code had simply been dummied out.

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The current Vatna Hegemony government is the 997th Vatna Republic, and it succeeded the 716th Vatna Empire with the Coup of the Bloody Sickles, in which Emperor Rvy was assassinated and the overall government reformed. The rate of coups, counter-coups, and counter-counter coups has slowed somewhat since the Vatna joined the Star Confederation, with this being only the 27th in the nearly 300 years of their membership. The Vatna Hegemony is therefore nominally headed by a Prime Minister, but the true power rests with individual warlords who hold major navy commands and major ministerial positions. These warlords, typically of the gyu’Vatna caste, act essentially independently unless called upon in a time of crisis.

While the caste of a Vatna it not technically hereditary–in theory, a Vatna changes caste to whatever their primary occupation is–in principle the warrior gyu’Vatna have become a gentry or aristocracy of sorts, holding most major fleet commands and captaining most battlecruisers. Other castes, such as the artisan qux’Vatna or the farmer swz’Vatna, do hold some power within this largely informal structure, but the gyu’Vatna dominate it.

The Hegemony directs much of its energy inward, with squabbling warlords engaging in ephemeral BloodWars with one another over minor points of contention, with Vatna shipyards and construction enterprises engaged to keep them supplied and equipped. The former Many As One of the Fulvan Hive once noted that the Vatna create their own economy, with a constant supply of new construction, repairs, and medical recovery technology being needed. When the Vatna have united against an external foe, however–as they did during the Vzc Incursion–the effect has been devastating.

Warlords do not strictly rely on violent means, however. Team sports are common and intense, often pitting fleet command against fleet command. The Vatna are gluttons for reality programs and soap operas, with Vatna media being extremely popular throughout the Star Confederation due to its mix of sincerity and (usually nonlethal) bloodshed.

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The Fulvan are unique among many members of the Star Confederation in that they occupy two seats in the Confederation Council: the Fulvan Hive and the Reform Fulvan. This is hardly a voting bloc, though, as the two governments loathe each other and will often oppose the other purely on principle, in addition to having vastly different goals and aspirations on the global stage.

The Fulvan Hive is the older of the two, and represents a conservative continuation of Fulvan society. It is communitarian and anti-individualistic, with a strong emphasis on Fulvans’ responsibilities to the Hive and their performance of dedicated functions within it. The Fulvans do not have an actual hive mind per se, nor do they have any sort of innate ability to connect with each other like the networked 11001001 do, but the traditionalist Fulvan Hive nevertheless sees that as an ideal to be strived for, with total interdependence between individuals, their community, and the state as the goal. The Hive is a hierarchy, with the oldest females of each community selecting a representative by consensus to report to the next highest level, all the way up to the Council of the Many and its head, the Many As One. The current Many As One, Rexepme Uymgo, has held the position for over forty years.

The Reform Fulvan state is newer, having broken away from the Hive during a vicious civil war called the Schism. It is highly individualistic, materialistic, and capitalistic, almost to a fault. The Fulvans who broke off to found the Reform Fulvan movement–officially the Republic of Free Fulvans–saw the collectivist nature of the Hive as repressive, and therefore reacted against it in the strongest possible terms. Reform Fulvans democratically elect their government, but take a strictly laissez-faire approach to regulation and economics. There is no social safety net, no government regulation of most industries, and no checks and balances on the role of money and power in governance. The current Premier, Yrava Iynqvzve, has been in power for thirty years and is currently serving his 8th consecutive term.

A 11001001 analyst once said that the two groups are a fascinating study in extremes; the average Reform Fulvan is wealthier than the average Hiver, but the Hivers have virtually no extreme poverty and the poorest Reform Fulvans live in a destitution that is difficult to fathom. Both groups have grudgingly tolerated the other as members of the Star Confederation but officially consider themselves the sole government of their people. This means that Fulvans can, and do, defect from one to the other.

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The years that followed were extremely chaotic, as the Zypger state all but collapsed and its military was fractured into competing groups squabbling for power in the vacuum. While a democratic state, the First Zypger Republic, was nominally in power, in reality the time was one of near-anarchy. A semblance of order was not reestablished until one of the most decorated generals from the Zypger-Vatna War, Marshal Xytss, overthrew the First Zypger Republic and declared himself the new First Citizen of the Zypger Union, a nominally democratic state that was in practice a totalitarian bureaucracy.

Marshal Xytss remains a controversial figure–a genocidal madman to some, the father of his people to others. But it cannot be denied that his government reimposed central control over the Zypger worlds, lobbied for full admission to the Star Confederation as a full member, and rebuilt the economy. His successors as First Citizen have largely upheld his policies, with some variations, though the current First Citizen is regarded by many as an elderly figurehead for his ambitious Second Citizen.

Xytss organized the Zypger Union around what he called “scientific balanced consultation.” Openings for government positions are filled with a combination of ballots, social merits and demerits, and input from supervisors. In theory, this means that the popular will, the ability of the person in question, and their supervisors’ experience are all weighed and considered in decisions of promotion and policy. In practice, critics argue that it is easy for wealthy and powerful Zypger to thumb the scale through informal means.

Strict censorship of all forms of media is practiced within the Union, and those who openly defy the government are added to the Union’s HoloKill list. Their biometrics–already in the state’s possession–are used to preemptively block their image and mute their voice in all Star Confederation broadcasts, streams, and media within the Union. If they are interviewed, the interviewer seems to be speaking to empty space–assuming that the interview is available in the Union at all. If they go into exile and are elected or appointed to any positions, the entire planet is muted–which the Star Confederation at large is loathe to allow, since it both needs Zypger products and wants to sell to their large population.

So while Zypger dissidents and exiles have full civil rights within the Star Confederation, they are effectively unpersons in the media–since no one wants their stream or their planet to be muted before a large and relatively wealthy audience.

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For a period of almost 3000 years, Zypger were dominated by the Eternal Empire, the state that had unified Zypger IV, its core worlds, and its outer colonies. The Eternal Emperor, regarded as the reincarnation of the previous holder of the title, was carefully sought out after the death of the previous monarch during a lengthy interregnum. He (and it was always a he) was also the chief hierophant of the largest Zypger religion, with near-unlimited power restrained only by custom. This had worked well enough for a period, and the Zypger Unification Wars had happened during the Noble Millennium, a time of near-unbroken rule by moderate Eternal Emperors or regents.

This came to an end with the Idg-Nauh-Iauh-Egis, the Four Bad Emperors, a period of uninterrupted misfortune and tyranny. Eternal Emperor Rnys launched a ruinous military invasion of Vatna space, supporting the campaign with heavy taxes and military rule. After his assassination, his successor Eternal Emperor Bxic was utterly dominated by a cabal of military and industrial figures who continued the war and cracked down on the populace further. By this point, interplanetary transport was beginning to break down under assaults by Vatna privateers, and Bxic perished under unclear circumstances during a famine and plague that swept Zypger IV.

Eternal Emperor Zavuu made peace with the Vatna, but when faced with demands by his people at large for reforms, he doubled down and deployed for formidable Zypger military against its own people on a large scale. Forced to look elsewhere for support, Zavuu joined the Star Confederation as an associate member and negotiated favorable trade deals, but this led to an intense period of brain-drain and capital flight. The final straw for many Zypger was Zavuu’s announcement that he would be succeeded by his young son Zabuq, who the Eternal Emperor declared to be his “preincarnation” who would rule as Zabuq II after his death.

A bomb in the Emperor’s box at the Great Opera put this plot into motion, and Zabuq II was duly enthroned, but the young Eternal Emperor was inflexible and temperamental. He quickly found himself facing a large-scale, organized rebellion, and his own troops melted away. The entire royal family was killed when the imperial barge was fired upon by rebel fighters, and since both the religious officials in charge of the transition and the ceremonial items used to determine an imperial reincarnation were aboard, the millennia-long reign of the Eternal Emperors came to an end.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #9999: “Volclaymore”
Price: 2323 sols

Legend has it that this sword was forged by a sentient volcano, and that its blade burns bright when evil is afoot. But you’re not going to believe that, are you? No, you’re not, because my snarky staff has been undermining every single sale I’ve been trying to make all month! It doesn’t matter that I can’t pay them if I don’t sell any swords, they’re just happy to sit around and crack jokes while I do all the hard work. That’s it, kid. Sale’s over. Go home.

Billao, Kastane, and Flyssa’s Note:
Since we reforge and repair the steel, we think the hard work is definitely on our side.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #291h: “Sad Spathaphone”
Price: 341 sols

This brass beauty is not just a keen blade, oh no: it’s also a tool of psychological warfare! That’s right, the valves and openings on the side are not just for show, and the replaceable reeds are not simple set dressing. Rather, every time you swing this blade, it will loudly, and automatically, play a devastatingly sad soulful saxophone solo. Watch your enemies stop in mid-attack as they are suddenly struck with bouts of melancholy, wistful longing, or bitter ennui. This allows either a genuine human connection, a hand of mercy proffered across the abyss of war and death, or an attack of opportunity.

Billao’s Note:
It crushes your enemies, just not in the way that most people mean.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Umbrapier”
Price: 1432 sols

Many establishments have a no weapons policy, but are you going to let that keep you from defending yourself? You never know when danger–or assassins!–will strike, so why not be ready when either or both do? That’s where the Umbrapier comes in–a simple umbrella to the unsuspecting eye, but a deadly sword once drawn. And unlike other would-be “swordbrellas,” the Umbrapier actually functions as an umbrella, meaning that it is that much less likely to be found out–and it can even keep you dry on a rainy day!

Flyssa’s note:
They rust into their scabbards. All of them.

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