Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Pugio of Pizza”
Price: 323 sols

Not all swords are meant for battle, and there’s no better example of this than the Pugio of Pizza, which was specifically designed to be a utility blade for a pizzamancer. Behold the detachable guard, which detaches and doubles as a cheese grater! Behold the pommel, which detaches and doubles as a pizza cutter! The blade itself is expertly shaped for slicing pepperoni, finishing dough, and other tasks around a pizza kitchen. When you’re done, just reassemble the sword and you’re good to go! Buy it and try for yourself today!

Kastane’s Note:
It’s ironically both cheaper and more useful to buy a grater, a cutter, and a pizzamancer’s slicer and have them separately. I’m especially not sure what they were thinking with the handguard that grates.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1135: “Sheax”
Price: 1 sol (offers accepted)

Look, I don’t know why someone made a sword to herd sheep with a spell that works only on metal, okay? Maybe they were metal sheep. Maybe you can modify the enchantment so it herds real sheep, or herds robots or something. We just need it gone, okay?

Billao’s Note:
We’re all feeling a little sheepish about this one.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #473: “Celsius, the Blade of Heat”
Price: 2002 sols

Do you need more heat in battle–pure, scalding, remorseless heat that will burn exposed skin and leave scars that will last for days? Then Celsius, the Blade of Heat, is perfect for your needs! Commissioned by the great gormomancer Tureen, this heat engine in sword form is unquenchable and unstoppable. Regardless of the recipe for disaster that you are confronted with, this blade will ensure a warm reception. Buy it today! And, incidentally, no refunds.

Flyssa’s note:
Uh, it only works on soup. That’s what Sharpe is trying to dance around there. Yeah. Only soup. Not soup-er useful, I guess.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Cutlass of Comprehension”
Price: 2102 sols

We are, all of us, alone. Ultimately unable to hear the true inner voice of anyone else, no matter how much they may say or do, we are forever forced to know and to comprehend only ourselves, and imperfectly at that. At least that was the case until the Cutlass of Comprehension! Forged by Heartbeard the Pirate from rare soul silver captured from an inbound galleon, the Cutlass of Comprehension immediately unites in mutual understanding any two who touch it. Used for decades as a psychologist’s tool, an unfortunate bankruptcy has brought it here, where it can be yours at a shockingly low pawnbroker’s rate!

Kastane’s Note:
I’m pretty sure the psychologist had to pawn it because mutual understanding is so terrifying that it makes people want to run for the hills and never see each other again. Like me, for example. I have accidentally brushed the cutlass while Sharpe was holding it. And Flyssa. And Billao. And I never want to see any of them again.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #801a: “A Sword to Save the World”
Price: 10,001 sols (payable in installments)

The blind prophet Zoxkyogy, renowned for his perfect foresight and mastery of augury, once laid out the exact qualities needed in a sword that would save the world to the great smith Kealz. In an act of forgery yet unrivaled to this day, Kealz produced a blade with the exact qualities Zoxkyogy predicted, working hand in hand with the seer to ensure total accuracy. The effort was such that the prophet passed away soon after the blade was quenched, and Kealz was left a broken man who lingered near death for weeks before he too expired. The resultant blade will save the world someday–it it a certainty. Will it be in your hand that it does so? Buy it today and see for yourself!

Billao’s Note:
I don’t know what threat calls for a perfectly cube-shaped sword that cannot be sharpened, but I’m not sure I want to.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1721: “Quantum Cinquedea”
Price: 3210 sols

How often have you wished that your blade could be in two places at once, fighting multiple foes with but the exertion of one arm? The Quantum Cinquedea, using breakthrough entanglement magic I don’t even pretend to understand, is just the thing! Every action taken by one blade is taken by the other, regardless of how far apart they are. Try it out today, and double your offensive power!

Flyssa’s note:
It seems like a good idea until you lose track of the other one and, um, stab yourself in the back. Ask me how I know.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #2520: “Betablade”
Price: 419 sols

Far superior to the competing brand from Very Heavy Sword™, this classic Betablade™ will record up to six hours of continuous live combat for later playback. Perfect for analyzing your actions, review by experts, or even instant replays of fencing bouts! Or hand the sword off to a friend to let them feel what it’s like to be you in the heat of battle! Note that some minor degradation can occur during playback, and recording a recording will result in further quality loss. Keep your Betablade™ away from strongly magnetic lodestone, high temperatures, low temperatures, and excessive humidity. Remember to leave your Betablade™ in its case when not in use, and never attempt to open it, as you risk permanently damaging its MagiRec recording system.

Kastane’s Note:
I’m quite sure that the new Duplicating Violence Dao™ swords will kill both Betablade and Very Heavy Sword.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #2325: “Wolfwootz”
Price: 49 sols

A sheep farmer, amateur smith, and hedge mage in the old provinces was once bedeviled by wolves, who constantly attacked and took his sheep and decimated his flocks. So he took it upon himself to create a blade that would solve the problem, even going to far as to forge his own wootz steel in his backyard. In the end, the blade was finished only at the cost of the shepherd’s life, and it fell to others to finish the weapon by adding a hilt, guard, and pommel. The resulting weapon has a thirst for blood, and will hunt down foes mercilessly–glowing in their presence and inflicting extra damage upon them with every wound. For the bargain price of practically free, what ulterior motive could we possibly have in offering it thus?

Billao’s Note:
THE SWORD ONLY KILLS WOLVES. It only glows when wolves are nearby, only deals extra damage to wolves, and won’t even harm anything else unless it’s wearing a wolf skin. I guess you could go around with a pelt, throw it on your target, and go to town, but how convenient is that? Seriously, don’t kill wolves. They’re endangered enough as it is.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #711y: “Kolibri Khopesh”
Price: 3050 sols

The ancient builders of Sumdh are famed for their enduring works of stone, and for taming the great river Avyr that bisects their arid land. But they were also master bladesmiths, being the first to forge in both bronze and iron in their area of the known world, and being among the first to weave enchantments into their wootz. This particular blade was created for their revered god Waxundu, and laid to rest in a now-plundered tomb in the hope that Waxundu might avail himself of the blade both as offering and as a weapon as he guided the souls to their eternal reward of the afterlife. As a blade fit for a psychopomp such as he, it is suffused with potent and ancient charms for wounding, bloodletting, and protection–all of which have never been used. Why not be the first? It’s available for purchase today, and even includes a handsome oversized teak box with your payment in full.

Flyssa’s note:
Yeah, um, Waxundu the grim reaper of the Sumdh? Great and terrible guide across the river Avyr into the Lands Beyond, or something like that? Yeah, he was a hummingbird.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1313a: “Messer of Makeovers”
Price: 200 sols

Have you ever wished that getting a new look was as easy as getting shanked in the streets? Well, wish no more! This rare tool-room prototype of the Makeover Messer is straight from the forge at Pommel™, and its powerful enchantments mean that anyone stabbed by it will have makeup, spa treatments, and even in some cases a new wardrobe applied instantly! It may be true that Pommel™ decided not to bring this miraculous tool to the general market, but their loss is your gain, since this item absolutely, positively works as advertised!

Kastane’s Note:
You still get stabbed though. With a sharp metal sword.

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