Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #827: “The Rhomphaia of Rumpus”
Price: 1999 sol

The great Strategikon Targos once challenged his great military rival, the al-Dhoul Hamizid, to a one on one duel. the battle was to be fought on neutral ground, with the winner taking all in the bitter war that their two empires had been fighting. During the battle, Targos lost his shield but Hamizid shattered his sword, and the result is disputed to this day. Some say Hamizid stole Targos’s rhompaia and slew him, while others insist that Targos cut down his rival after smashing his shamshir. Either way, the chronicles agree that the victor was charged by the angry fellows of his victim, who killed him with that selfsame rhompaia. Take home this important and well-made historical artifact today!

Flyssa’s note:
So, um, the ghosts of Targos and Hamizid are both possessing the blade, and they kinda hate each other. Like, really hate each other. Like old married couple hate each other. If you hold it, you get to hear them bickering and half the time they will decide they don’t like what you’re doing and override it. It is not worth it.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #288: “Killcount Katal”
Price: 150 sols

A boastful noble, the Yohoz of Sibit, continually claimed that he had killed dozens of men in single combat despite his family and courtiers seeing no evidence of such battles. In collaboration with his court mage, they decided to humble him by presenting a katal punch-dagger with a kill counter on it; for every person he killed, it would increment by one, topping out at 999 kills, at which time it would reset to 000. What better measure could there be of a warrior’s prowess? Buy today!

Billao’s Note:
One version of the legend says that the Yohoz, ashamed, killed himself the next night. Another version says that the Yohoz, enraged, murdered his family and every last one of his palace staff. With the thing stuck at 001, I guess we’ll never know. Than again, they probably did need to test it…

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #55: “Hot Dog Baselard”
Price: 2 sols

No, I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it! I’m a swordseller, an ironmonger, not a carnival barker. I don’t sell food, no matter how sword-shaped those hot dogs are. You can just get someone else to do this one, because I’m not doing it.

Kastane’s Note:
Come one, come all, from outside the building and inside the hall! We want you to shop with wisdom and grace, but whaile you are here, why not stuff your face? Our baselards are fine, they’re sharp and they’re keen, but as hot dogs they’re best that’s ever been! Eat one or eat more, at two sols a bun, hotdog baselards are tasty, sharp-flavored, and fun!

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #999: “Final Falchion”
Price: 999 sols

The great sage Thornzorn was once asked the following question: “Master, what will be the very last sword forged on this planet as it is dying?” Thornzorn, a man of peace, found this to be a compelling question, as he hoped that the answer would show a future world free of strife and war. Over a series of intense divinations that lasted for weeks, he was able to tease information from the aether about the weapon that would be the last of it kind. First came information about its shape, its composition, its size. To his surprise, Thornzorn found that these were well within the means of contemporary swordmaking, and he gave the specifications to the great smith Ajuk to make a replica. That replica is what you see here: not magical in any way, but a vision of swordsmanship yet to come as realized by one of the great swordsmiths of ours or any age. Buy now!

Flyssa’s note:
When Ajuk finished making the sword, he came to give it to Thornzorn. The old guy was getting ready to find out how far in the future the sword was made, so he was like “come back tomorrow, smithy.” Well, Ajuk came back the next day and he found Thornzorn dead on the floor. I guess it wasn’t a good answer.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #4142: “Stiletto of Suffering”
Price: 1 sol (discount available)

So, um, yes. It seems that in the process of making the Misericorde of Mercy for Stefan of Stellazzio, the mage he hired had to make…another blade…as part of the process. This blade has the opposite properties, and therefore only hurts the innocent. And due to the aforementioned problems with, uh, the Misericorde, it means that the blade can pretty much only be used to hurt…uh…innocent babies. It’s really well-made at least? Might make a good wall-hanger?

Billao’s Note:
Please just take the thing. We’ll pay you.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #4141: “Misericorde of Mercy”
Price: 2202 sols

The great knight Stefan of Stellazzio was always wracked by worry that he might be harming innocents in his work as a knight, so he hired a mage to make him an enchanted stiletto that would refuse to draw blood from an innocent. Even today, the blade works exactly as advertised! The only issue is that Stefan failed to stipulate what he meant by innocent, so the dagger will basically strike anyone that has done anything. It will generally fail to kill infants, though, so that’s worth something!

Kastane’s Note:
“Misericorde” comes from the word for “mercy,” so “Misericorde of Mercy” literally means “mercy of mercy.” It’s enough to make you want to stab someone, provided that they aren’t innocent.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #10G: “The Assimilseax”
Price: 100,001 sols (payable in installments)

Originally completed for the Prince of Borg in the frozen lands of the far north, the Assimilseax is an extremely dangerous blade in that it absorbs the traits of any other blade it touches. For instance, striking the Assimilseax with a sword made of damascene steel will result in the Assimilseax itself becoming damascus; striking it with a blade of +2 to smiting will cause those traits to be transferred to the Assimilseax as well. The other sword, fully drained of its essence, will crumble away to dust. This makes it an unbeatable weapon, since no other sword can stand against it–and we offer it at an unbeatable price!

Flyssa’s Note:
Yeah, so, I think you can probably see two problems with this, and kinda guess why the Principality of Borg never really got all that much conquering done. One, it only works on swords, so you could just, like, use an axe or whatever. Second, you could make a cardboard sword and the Assimilseax would totally steal it. I’m pretty sure that’s how the Prince of Borg, like, actually died and junk.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #31: “Bocci Blade”
Price: 521 sols

The Bocci Blade is one sword that you can never, ever trust. Antonio Grimaldi, first Baron Bocci, had it handcrafted and elaborately cursed so that it would always perform brilliantly in practice, even sparring, but fail its user in battle. Slipping out of one’s grasp, sticking in one’s scabbard, swinging wild, even rebounding back on the wielder–if you can think of a sword malfunction that doesn’t involve breakage, you’ll see it in the Bocci Blade. You might ask, then, why the Baron would have it made and why anyone would ever use it. That’s a very simple answer–it makes a great gift for one’s enemies!

Billao’s Note:
The one thing Baron Bocci didn’t count on was that the curse took the owner’s intentions into consideration, which is why he found himself run through with his very thoughtful gift.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #172: “Slayer, the Black Blade of the Filicide”
Price: 15,361 sols

Legend has it that Atri Cellon, the legendary Bloody Baron, first invoked the dark powers when he was confronted with a powerful foe that he could not defeat in the person of the Graf von Dohm and his army. The nightmare court answered, but in a missive writ in blood upon anthropodermic bibliopegy, the Grim Jester stated its price–the Baron’s son. No details survive, but given the slaughter of the von Dohm army that followed, and the lightless blade that chroniclers put in Cellon’s hand, it seems clear that he accepted. He carved a great and terrible fief with that weapon, and whenever its powers began to wane, another note accompanied it with the name of another victim who was dear to Cellon’s heart. It’s said that he drove his family tree to extinction and laid low all his principal friends and confidants before a final note arrived, blank–there was no one left he cared for, and thus no one left to power the blade. His fall was not long after. And now, the very blade he carried can hang on your wall!

Flyssa’s Note:
Uh, I’m pretty sure you have to, like, murder your children for this to work? We didn’t murder any children to test it, so uh, caveat emptor.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1112: “The Royal Rapier of King Regnis IV”
Price: 65,536 sols (payable in installments)

King Regnis, fourth of his name, was ruler of Zolhao during its golden age, and many credit him as bringing the country to its zenith of influence, power and wealth. Though he ruled with justice and moderation, the true love of Regnis’s life was fencing–he practiced every day, and insisted on entering fencing tournaments even when matters of state were pressing upon him. As such, he commissioned a fabulous rapier for himself, not one that was jeweled or gilded, but one that was simply of rock-solid quality and finely balanced. Though the royal monogram is etched on the handguard, in all other respects this is simply the finest fencing rapier ever commissioned–with a price to match! Indeed, Regnis was holding this very sword when he received the wound that would end his life via gangrene–with his lack of a wife or heir catapulting Zolhao into a devastating civil war.

Kastane’s Note:
Regnis was left-handed, and he only had three fingers on his left hand. So unless you want to chop two of your fingers off, this blade ain’t gonna be well balanced for you.

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