Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

A dwarven student is attempting to print a spell, muttering to themselves, while goblins continually bedevil them.

Cyrix is attempting to print a scroll of detect magic that serves as their final exam for SPCR 201, Intermediate Spellcrafting. However, they have encountered a jam in the printing press and are being harassed by goblins. If the goblins are attacked, Cyrix will join combat against them; if they are driven off, they will gruffly indicate gratitude. Cyrix has a valid student ID that they will lend to players if and only if they are able to print their spell; their ID has 5 Express gold on it. In exchange for a further 5 gold, Cyrix will print an extra copy of detect magic.

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A large green pointy-eared goblin, standing head and shoulders above their peers, sits in the middle of the Goblin Commons. “It’s late at night and a dangerous time of year, friend,” they say. “In exchange for a gift, we’ll…protect…you as you move through here.”

Tarf will demand tribute every time players attempt to move through the Goblin Commons, and they will not allow players to approach or use the Hall of Prophecy, the Printing Press, or the Duplicator until tribute has been offered. They will, however, allow players to approach the vending machines for the purpose of buying snacks, provided those snacks are then given in tribute. Tarf knows the layout of the library well, but is on poor terms with the librarians and does not know the location of any specific books or items, nor do they know the secret to entering the Wizard’s Workshop.

Players can bluff their way past Tarf with a DC 15 Persuasion or Intimidate check, but the DC will increase by +2 each time they do so. Tarf will allow players to withdraw if they refuse to pay, but if they attempt to proceed, they will attack along with 3 goblins. Players can also attempt to sneak through, which is also a DC 15 and increases by +2 each time. If Tarf and their goblins are killed, any non-food tribute items can be retrieved from their bodies.

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Shadow-of-the-Pipes
Lvl 1 Shadow

The spirit of a departed soul that passed away in the first floor restrooms, Shadow-of-the-Pipes appears in any of the men’s or the women’s restrooms randomly. There is a 50% chance (1d4 1-2), upon entering either room, that Shadow-of-the-Pipes will be present, rising to 75% (1d4 1-3) if the door has been mysteriously locked from the inside. Regardless of whether Shadow-of-the-Pipes is present, a CR 5 perception check can reveal its faint moans.

Upon encountering players, Shadow-of-the-Pipes will demand that they leave immediately, having spent their mortal life often turned away from occupied bathrooms, it seeks solace there in death. A CR 12 charisma, persuasion, strength, or intimidation check can calm Shadow-of-the-Pipes temporarily to allow for conversation; otherwise it will attack but will not pursue players beyond the bathroom. Shadow-of-the-Pipes will give only vague and evasive answers to questions, and will also demand that its overdue library book Voynich II: The Day After be returned so that it might know peace in death.

If the players clear up the missing book, Shadow-of-the-Pipes will appear in the next bathroom that they enter, grateful for their deed and ready to ascend to the next level. In gratitude, they will give the answer to one question or reveal the location of a magic item before vanishing in a burst of light. Shadow-of-the-Pipes knows how to get into the Wizard’s Workshop (making with sign of the shark over their heart) and most other library questions, at the DM’s discretion. If players opt for a magic item, it will be a potion of insight or a scroll of invisibility hidden behind some pipes in the current bathroom.

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Erunet the Patient
Level 5 half-elf noble

Erunet the Patient is an experienced librarian and the foremost scholar on the classification of magical fungi in the realm. While they can and do perform library work, answer reference questions, and teach classes, their true passion is the classification of magical fungi and they will unconsciously attempt to turn the topic of any conversation to it. Presenting a mold or fungus of significant interest will around Ernet’s undivided attention, and they will reward it with the gift of knowledge, a healing potion, or a scroll of invisibility depending on how persuasive players are on a DC 13 Will save.

Erunet is otherwise currently teaching a class of rowdy freshmen and is very busy and distracted, only able to offer brief and incomplete answers to questions. They know the answers to most library questions, however, even if they are not currently able to divulge them.

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Myha Cottonmouth, Elvish Language Learner (ELL)
Level 1 human commoner

Myha is a freshman student majoring in Mercantile Administration who is being tutored in ELVI 101, First Year Elvish. It is not going well. Their father, Lord Cottonmouth, owns a chain of wagon dealerships and intends to groom Myha as a successor. This is, of course, contingent on Myha getting a degree, and they are currently struggling with ELVI 101, First Year Elvish. They are not at all interested in this.

Myha is very friendly and outgoing, and will happily chat with anyone as a distraction, despite their tutor’s annoyance. While they have not been paying attention and therefore do not know how to enter the Wizard’s Workshop, they are wealthy and will happily loan anyone who asks a few gold pieces. They will only be able to pass their exam if convinced to study with a DC 16 check, or if given a potion of insight.

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Abavy Waggletongue, Language Tutor
Level 2 half-orc commoner

Abavy is an upperclassman majoring in Tapestry History attempting to tutor Myha Cottonmouth in ELVI 101, First Year Elvish. It is not going well. Even though Abavy is being paid for their efforts, they are late for their other job waiting tables and will not get a promised bonus from Lord Cottonmouth unless Myha passes ELVI 101 with at least a C-. As a first-generation student who is not from a wealthy family, this money could make a huge difference.

As such, Abavy is very frazzled and distracted and not willing to engage in conversation. But they know how to get into the Wizard’s Workshop, having seen several people enter and exit by making with sign of the shark over their heart. They will not divulge this information unless they are convinced that Myha is fully tutored and ready to ace the ELVI 101 exam

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Nertin the Underpaid
Lvl 1 human commoner

Nertin the Underpaid is working the front desk alone due to a co-worker calling out sick and the supervisor being called away to a family emergency. The Interndimensional Loan librarian is also absent on a delivery mission to the Elemental Plane of Paper. As such, while Nertin is willing to help the players with directions and answering questions, they will steadfastly refuse to leave their post. Nertin will also flatly refuse to summon the school police in response to any disturbances, as they firmly believe that this would only escalate any such situation.

While Nertin knows the answers to some quest-related questions, they are also relatively new and very unsure of themselves. The DM should roll a DC 12 Wisdom save for Nertin when asked a quest-related question; if they fail, Nertin becomes flustered and claims not to know the answer due to lack of confidence (even if they do know it). If attacked, Nertin will flee to the bathrooms on the first floor and leave by way of a scroll of Gate. Nertin’s library spellbook requires a password which they are unwilling to surrender.

A fastidious follower of the rules, Nertin will refuse to check out a book to anyone without a valid school ID, though they will not notice if the ID does not match the person holding it if they fail a DC 15 Perception roll.

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These shelves hold the library’s mundane—that is, non-magical—books. The books on the first floor are mostly related to practical matters such as construction and gardening, though there are also some more esoteric tomes. The shelves are normally stored compactly, and must be opened to allow access. Call numbers are also needed in order to find a certain book, as the millions of volumes are otherwise impossible to navigate. However, the books are also shelved by subject, meaning that if you can locate a book, it will usually be surrounded by others on the same topic.

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Cartographer’s Cache
These large flat cases contain maps of the realm, created at large scale and with high detail, down to and including the position of people, animals, and the undead. They must be used with the large tables in the Royal Archives next door and can’t be checked out due to privacy concerns.

Information Brokers
This office is filled with librarian wizards who trade in information, and are willing to assist students and patrons in finding items, doing research, or teaching classes. It is also stuffed to the gills with enchanted objects, including spellbooks, mundane books, enchanted scrolls, prophecy crystals, and more. Each of the librarians occupies a small cell with a personal spellbook.

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Bard’s Ballads (Music Stacks)
These shelves are bursting with sheet music for aspiring bards, as well as books bout famous performances of old. While most of it is mundane paper and cannot sing for itself, bards are free to take it to the nearby Bard’s Hall and record it to a crystal.

Charmed Children’s Books (Juvenile Collection)
These shelves are full of books for younger wizards, often with bright colors, enticing enchantments, and a decided lack of magical booby traps. Though available to anyone, they are primarily intended for wizards studying in the Early Childhood Enchantment program.

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