Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

“I think, with all the brown and the gas cells, it looks like a loaf of bread,” said SA-1.

“Bread is not made of high-pressure sulfuric acid made by a runaway greenhouse effect,” said SA-2. “It is an obsolete, if artisan, form of sustenance.”

“But imagine if you were on the surface,” countered SA-3. “It would look like…a bread sky. Or something.”

“Again, this is a toxic, high-pressure world with a surface pressure and temperature that leads to rivers of liquid lead and corrosive rains,” said SA-2.

“Ha!” laughed SA-1. “But imagine if you could land there and look up at that bread sky. Before you were crushed and melted.”

“Baked and sliced,” offered SA-3.

“Buttered and toasted,” SA-1 replied.

“Enough!” SA-2 barked. “It needs a designation other than M2859271b.”

“Call it Breadworld,” snickered SA-3.

“Yeah,” SA-1 said. “It’s the yeast we can do.

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“You look displeased, Zorpnor,” said Crumbulax. “Do you disapprove of my choice?”

“It is…very primitive,” Zorpnor said.

“Our force fields will provide the necessary strength, just as they do with your fragile tinfoil ship,” said Crumbulax.

“But it will surely begin to…decompose soon,” Zorpnor replied, turning his antennae up in disgust at the sight of Crumbulax’s new ship.

“In the absence of Earth germs and oxygen? I doubt that very much,” Crumbulax chortled. “But I have lacquered it, if you’re worried about all that.”

“I know you are a big fan of Earth culture, even though the terrifying giants who live there fill me with ghastly horror,” Zorpnor said. “But Crumbulax, I do not think it is safe, or wise, to build one of their primitive totems into a spacecraft!”

“Bah,” said Crumbulax, climbing into his jack o’lantern spacecraft through its garved mouth. “This is why you fly around in an unstylish box, my friend. No vision!”

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The bathroom was strangely immaculate; Lozow did not seem to have actually used it, preferring an outhouse and washbasin in the yard. Instead, he seemed to have given over the entire room to more models, with both the sink and the bathtub converted to wet/dry landscapes filled with miniature soldiers and other people.

The bathtub, especially, had been partly filled with dirt to form a small archipelago of dry islands, each lush with fake foliage and teeming with small figures seemingly assaulting the tiny islands thusly formed.

Chuck Lozow had apparently been in the middle of reconfiguring the waterscape when he died, as half the tub was a squadron of World War II US Marines locked in combat with a detachment of regular Japanese Army troops, while the other half was space marines in cerulean armor rooting out dug-in green-skinned aliens.

And, as there had been in each of the other rooms, there was a tiny Chuck Kozow in each army. He was a space marine holding a chainsaw sword aloft, a green alien exorting the crew of a rickety red tank to victory, a Marine sergeant on a radio, and a Japanese officer, sword in hand, leading a charge.

Chuck Lozow had rarely left his house after his parents had died, and never left town aside from his abortive time at university. But in the confines of that tiny bathroom alone, he had lived—hell, was still living—four lives.

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“My friends, the good people of Pickle Beacon, I am sorry to call you all here at such sort notice, and on a Friday as well.” Harvey Brineman, founder and CEO of Pickle Beacon, looked at his small but loyal staff across the conference table in the PB factory outlet, directly beneath the great green pickle lighthouse that beckoned travelers and tourists to savor the tartly prepared ascended cucumbers.

“Is if the FAA again?” said Janice Pickford, administrative assistant. “Tell them that unless they want to lobby Congress, we are one lumen underneath the legal limit.”

“No, it,s not the FAA,” said Brineman.

“The FCC, then?” Elle Braunschweig, brinemaster second class, said. “It doesn’t count as a billboard if it’s an illuminated object.”

“No, not the FCC either. I’m afraid it is our old…friends…at Broccoli Barn.”

A hush fell over the boardroom.

“They have built an illuminated broccoli that is exactly one foot taller than ours,” Brineman continued. “And significantly wider.”

Excited, perhaps even panicked, murmurs rippled through the room.

“I also have it on good authority, from one of our agents there, that they have recently purchased industrial brining equipment.”

“Surely they can’t-“ Quentin Cumber, regional manager, began.

“There’s no legal reason why they can’t make pickles, no,” Brineman said. “But I fear they, and that madman Harold Brassica, plan something far worse. Pickled broccoli.”

Pandemonium. Shouting, kicking of chairs. Gnashing of teeth, wailing. The room took several minutes to recover from this bombshell,

“My friends, a broccoli shadow will soon fall across our beloved Pickle Beacon,” Brineman said. “But I believe that we will endure, and in enduring, prevail.”

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Are you desperate for pickles? Does the sweet, salty taste of dill brined cucumbers fill you with a forbidden snacky longing? We’ve all been there, surely, but you and I both know that good pickles can be hard to find in this day and age. And by good, I of course mean bad. Vile, dive bar grade pickles, the sort that might be grudgingly sliced over a greasy pub burger. In an era of health food and holistics, they are a rare beast.

That’s where Pickle Beacon comes in.

Not only do we hand-brine our pickles. Not only do we carefully select only the finest cukesfor the process. Not only are each of our pickles brine-aged for at least seventeen weeks before we even think of seling them. Oh, no. We here at Pickle Beacon go further. Some fools might say too far.

Atop our factory outlet, we have an enormous lighthouse tower with a gigantic green pickle instead of a traditional light, and when a new batch of pickles are ready, we set it alight, notifying all that their pickle salvation is at hand. It may blind local residents. It may menace commercial aviation. But you will never be uncertain about when and where you can get pickles.

Pickle Beacon. Let us be your pickle light shining in pickle darkness.

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Lebedev came in grumpy, as he always did, condensation hanging from his beard in unfriendly icicles. Alexei admitted to himself that he dreaded the bitter cold of a kerebatic wind over an ice shelf less than he did the coldness of his superior’s stare.

“What is it now?” Lebedev snapped. “If it’s more problems with the survey equipment, I’ll wager it’s problems with the survey team that are truly to blame.”

“It’s not that, Commander,” said Alexei. “The ground penetrating radar is performing as designed and within normal tolerances. But…”

“But, but, but!” Lebedev mocked. “By Lenin’s beard, spit it out, or I’ll have you chipping pissicles out of the latrine for wasting my time.”

“We found another subglacial lake,” Alexei said. “A smaller one, nothing like Vostok.”

“Oh, is that all?” snapped Lebedev. “A real Hero of the Soviet Union, here. Look, Brasov, I do not need to be personally informed about every little pebble you find. It goes in the report, which I will read, at my leisure, with some hot tea.”

“There is a void in the lake, something displacing the water.”

“And?”

“It’s at the lake bottom. Radar telemetry confirms, across three devices and three operators, that the void is less dense than the subsurface water.”

Lebedev fell silent.

“It’s like an upside-down lake, contrary to the pull of gravity. A gravitational anomaly that my team is, at present, unable to explain.”

“Prepare the tractor and a drilling team,” Lebedev said quietly. “We leave at once. Not a word of this to anyone who does not already know of it.”

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VIPOIG: The thing you have to understand is that my ancestors, the Picts, lived in Pictland long before the Scots did. Our presence there is attested from the late third century AD; it is our homeland and natural place of origin.

INTERVIEWER: And what about the Scots?

VIPOIG: The Scots are squatters, a mongrel mix of peoples who moved in after the Picts were evicted by the Vikings. They don’t have any true rights to Pictland, as their origins are elsewhere–in Norway and Denmark, in Ireland, in England. That’s where their kinsman are, and that’s where they should return.

INTERVIEWER: But they’ve been living in Scotland for 800 years, and some of them are probably descended from Picts who remained.

VIPOIG: First of all, I object to your use of the term ‘Scotland.’ That’s a loaded, political, term used by those with an anti-Pictish agenda. The correct name for the area is Pictland, and I’ll thank you to refer to it as such.

INTERVIEWER: The issue still stands.

VIPOIG: They’re of course welcome to stay if they assimilate, give up their backward and violent religion, and generally become civilized enough to coexist with the returning Picts. But sadly most Scots seem to be satisfied to choose the route of violence and barbarism.

INTERVIEWER: It’s been said, by Scots, that those who call themselves Picts are invaders seeking to colonize Scot-er, Pictland and to drive people off the land they’ve inhabited for centuries.

VIPOIG: Nonsense. Do people call it colonization when you chase rats out of a barn, regardless of how long they’ve lived there? We Picts can manage the land much more efficiently than the people that were there before, who were running it in an altogether backward and savage way.

INTERVIEWER: Isn’t that the very definition of colonialism?

VIPOIG: That’s a leading question and I refuse to engage with anything so anti-Pictish. If the Scots are so upset, they can leave.

INTERVIEWER: But if your Pictland does not consider them citizens, they’re stateless and by definition can’t migrate.

VIPOIG: They can also keep to themselves, in their own areas, with their own government. As long as they’re properly supervised, of course, to keep them out of trouble.

INTERVIEWER: Isn’t that the very definition of apartheid?

VIPOIG: This interview is over.

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It was Deputy Connor at the door, in his smart khaki uniform and official cowboy hat, looking every inch the county sheriff he was rumored to be next in line for when old Bob East retired.

“How can I help you, deputy?” the satyr said.

“Mr. Owpun?” Connor said.

“Last I checked.”

“Step out onto the porch please.”

Owpun walked out onto his veranda to meet his guest, his hooves clacking on the painted, swept, pine planks there.”

“Now, legally, I don’t have to do this,” Connor began. “But seeing as you’ve been an upstanding, law-abiding, tax-paying denizen up to this point, I thought I would do you the courtesy.”

“With an introduction like that, Deputy, you certainly are setting a tone for the conversation,” said Owpun.

“Yeah. Well, this is your eviction and notice to vacate the property,” said Connor.

To his surprise, Owpun did not seem to react with anything other than a slight relaxing of his pose, as if the certainty of knowing had eased some small burden. “On what grounds, if I might be so bold?”

“You know Graves v. Sapient Services says that we’re back to the old rules,” Connor said. “Supreme Court. Highest law in the land.”

“Yes,” Owpun said sadly. “Yes, we’re back to Griffith v. Eldryth times now, aren’t we? No rights for ‘creatures.’ I had hoped that our local ordinances might continue to offer some protection.”

“They did,” the deputy said, thoughtfully thumbing back his hat a bit. “I don’t know if you been keeping up with goings-on in the state capitol, Mr. Owpun, but the governor just signed a new law that says no local ordinance can preempt a state one.”

Owpun looked out over his lawn. “So what’s that mean for my little patch, Deputy?”

“Well, seeing as you’re no longer able to own land, it goes back to its most recent legal owner.”

“Oh,” Owpun said. “You’re giving it to a Choctaw, then?”

Connor smirked. “You know, we looked, but we just plumb couldn’t find one. Your little patch was sold to you by the Balfes, so it goes back to them.”

“They were on hard times when they sold it,” said Owpun. “But it was all I could afford.”

“Hard times indeed,” replied Connor. “I reckon that’s why they’re fixing to move in. Officially you have until tomorrow, but we might be able to stretch that to the weekend if you’re willing to play ball.”

Owpun looked at Connor, a sad smile playing on his caprine features. “I could resist, you know. A satyr is a terrible foe when roused.”

“You could,” Connor said, sniffing a bit. “You might get the drop on me, even. But you know there’s no version of that story where you keep your house. You just get carried out, hooves first.”

“I alone, perhaps. But my kinsmen and I might hold out here, longer still if we brought friends.”

For a moment, Owpun looked at the deputy, the features on his face hardening. Every muscle of the satyr’s body seemed to tense, a high-tension wire fixing to snap. Alarm played across Connor’s features, and his hand dropped to his sidearm and its 17 comforting counterarguments.

The instant passed. Owpun relaxed, and turned away. “I don’t suppose you have any idea where I’m going to go?” he said. “I don’t think your new law will even let me check in to a hotel.”

“The law is quite silent on that point,” Connor said. “As long as it’s not on this property, or anyone else’s, on public land, or blocking a thoroughfare, I don’t much care.”

“It’s good to know I can still float away if I have to,” chuckled Owpun. “Or swim.”

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“Shadrach.”

Ted Turnblatt spun on his heel, coffee roiling in his mug. “Only my mother calls me that, and she’s dead,” he said with a showman’s smile.

Omnibob, in its suit, did not return the gesture, though it was quite able to do so. “We need to talk about Toast That Bread, Shadrach.”

“Look, I know the contestants have been lousy lately, but that’s down to Acquisitions,” said Ted. “I’m doing the best I can with a game show designed to sell bread and toasters that has bread and toasters as its only prizes.”

“Corporate feels differently, Shadrach,” said Omnibob. “We feel that your approach may be too…old-fashioned.”

“Old fogies are the ones who get the most excited about toast,” sniffed Ted. “You don’t want a disaster like the time The Dietary Fiber Hour tried to appeal to the youth demo.”

“We’re not retooling the show; we are retooling you,” replied Omnibob. “Your resignation is requested, at the standard corporate buyout internal rate. You will finish this week’s filming and then report to Omnidyne Central Casting Unit for your new assignment.”

“I have an ironclad five-year contract,” Ted sputtered. “You should know.”

“We do know. That’s why you’re being asked to voluntarily terminate it.”

“Forget it,” Ted snapped. “I’ll finish my five years, and then we’ll talk.”

“Is that your…final answer, Shadrach?” said Omnibob.

“Absolutely.”

Ted gasped in pain as an object suddenly erupted from his chest, a gentle claw of bread, hardened in the oven, piercing him from behind and collapsing a lung.

“We will therefore invoke the death and disability clause,” Omnibob said. “Instead of replacing you at the end of the week, Contessa will replace you now.”

As Ted sank to the ground, his vision fading, he saw Contessa walking toward him, clad in a three-piece suit and wingtips, her hair ponytailed. She bent over, waved him goodbye, and then all was darkness.

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TED: Gooood evening ladies and germs! I’m your host, Shadrach “Ted” Turnblatt, and it’s time once again for…

AUDIENCE: TOAST! THAT! BREAD!

TED: That’s right! Omnidyne Consumer Products Toaster Division is proud to sponsor Toast That Bread, a high-stakes game of knowledge, heat, and luck where knowing your toaster inside and out is the yeast you can do! Say hello to today’s first contestant.

KAREN: My name’s Karen Gumplich, and I’m an administrative assistant in accounts receivable at Omnidyne Consumer Products, Nut and Bolt Division!

TED: Ah, the good folks at N&B are always so good to us, such unsung heroes. Okay, Karen, let’s see what we have today! Hit us with the details, Kevin!

KEVIN: Thank you Ted! Today we have an Omnidyne Type 92 Toaster, an improved version of the Type 87 designed for both home and light industrial use! And we’ll be using it to toast a five-gauge slice of Omnidyne Farms artisan pumpernickel, made by hand by robots in glorious, sustainable Facility 42!

TED: All right, Karen, you heard Kevin and you can see our toaster and bread before you. We’re looking for a Level 3 toast today, golden brown and firm but not stiff and not burnt. Tell us your settings, and the lovely Contessa will execute them.

KAREN: Thank you Ted! It’s so great to be here! Hi Barbara! Hi Mom! God bless!

TED: Okay, Karen, I know you’re excited, but we need those toast settings.

KAREN: I’m going to go with a single-slot toast, level 5 heat, for 25 seconds, Ted.

TED: Contessa? Oooh, I see that the slice is too large to fit top side up! She’s going to have to put it in sideways.

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

KAREN: Is it too late to cut it in half?

TED: I’m afraid it is, Karen! Your choice is locked in.

CONTESSA: After a 25-second single slot toast, uncut and sideways on level 5, the pumpernickel is brown at the left but still soft on the right for an uneven and unpleasant overall effect, Ted!

KAREN: Can I put it back in the other way?

TED: I’m afraid that’s not possible, Karen. And it wouldn’t help anyway, since it would mean the center would be far more toasted than the edges as well. Judges?

KEVIN: The judges award Karen’s toast a 1.2 out of 5 overall, Ted!

TED: Ooh, I’m sorry, Karen! Don’t despair, though, since you might still win if someone burns their toast or is disqualified. Stay tuned, everyone! We’ll be back after these messages from Omnidyne Consumer Products, Toy Division, with more…

AUDIENCE: TOAST! THAT! BREAD!

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