Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #2325: “Wolfwootz”
Price: 49 sols

A sheep farmer, amateur smith, and hedge mage in the old provinces was once bedeviled by wolves, who constantly attacked and took his sheep and decimated his flocks. So he took it upon himself to create a blade that would solve the problem, even going to far as to forge his own wootz steel in his backyard. In the end, the blade was finished only at the cost of the shepherd’s life, and it fell to others to finish the weapon by adding a hilt, guard, and pommel. The resulting weapon has a thirst for blood, and will hunt down foes mercilessly–glowing in their presence and inflicting extra damage upon them with every wound. For the bargain price of practically free, what ulterior motive could we possibly have in offering it thus?

Billao’s Note:
THE SWORD ONLY KILLS WOLVES. It only glows when wolves are nearby, only deals extra damage to wolves, and won’t even harm anything else unless it’s wearing a wolf skin. I guess you could go around with a pelt, throw it on your target, and go to town, but how convenient is that? Seriously, don’t kill wolves. They’re endangered enough as it is.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #711y: “Kolibri Khopesh”
Price: 3050 sols

The ancient builders of Sumdh are famed for their enduring works of stone, and for taming the great river Avyr that bisects their arid land. But they were also master bladesmiths, being the first to forge in both bronze and iron in their area of the known world, and being among the first to weave enchantments into their wootz. This particular blade was created for their revered god Waxundu, and laid to rest in a now-plundered tomb in the hope that Waxundu might avail himself of the blade both as offering and as a weapon as he guided the souls to their eternal reward of the afterlife. As a blade fit for a psychopomp such as he, it is suffused with potent and ancient charms for wounding, bloodletting, and protection–all of which have never been used. Why not be the first? It’s available for purchase today, and even includes a handsome oversized teak box with your payment in full.

Flyssa’s note:
Yeah, um, Waxundu the grim reaper of the Sumdh? Great and terrible guide across the river Avyr into the Lands Beyond, or something like that? Yeah, he was a hummingbird.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1313a: “Messer of Makeovers”
Price: 200 sols

Have you ever wished that getting a new look was as easy as getting shanked in the streets? Well, wish no more! This rare tool-room prototype of the Makeover Messer is straight from the forge at Pommel™, and its powerful enchantments mean that anyone stabbed by it will have makeup, spa treatments, and even in some cases a new wardrobe applied instantly! It may be true that Pommel™ decided not to bring this miraculous tool to the general market, but their loss is your gain, since this item absolutely, positively works as advertised!

Kastane’s Note:
You still get stabbed though. With a sharp metal sword.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #827: “The Rhomphaia of Rumpus”
Price: 1999 sol

The great Strategikon Targos once challenged his great military rival, the al-Dhoul Hamizid, to a one on one duel. the battle was to be fought on neutral ground, with the winner taking all in the bitter war that their two empires had been fighting. During the battle, Targos lost his shield but Hamizid shattered his sword, and the result is disputed to this day. Some say Hamizid stole Targos’s rhompaia and slew him, while others insist that Targos cut down his rival after smashing his shamshir. Either way, the chronicles agree that the victor was charged by the angry fellows of his victim, who killed him with that selfsame rhompaia. Take home this important and well-made historical artifact today!

Flyssa’s note:
So, um, the ghosts of Targos and Hamizid are both possessing the blade, and they kinda hate each other. Like, really hate each other. Like old married couple hate each other. If you hold it, you get to hear them bickering and half the time they will decide they don’t like what you’re doing and override it. It is not worth it.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #288: “Killcount Katal”
Price: 150 sols

A boastful noble, the Yohoz of Sibit, continually claimed that he had killed dozens of men in single combat despite his family and courtiers seeing no evidence of such battles. In collaboration with his court mage, they decided to humble him by presenting a katal punch-dagger with a kill counter on it; for every person he killed, it would increment by one, topping out at 999 kills, at which time it would reset to 000. What better measure could there be of a warrior’s prowess? Buy today!

Billao’s Note:
One version of the legend says that the Yohoz, ashamed, killed himself the next night. Another version says that the Yohoz, enraged, murdered his family and every last one of his palace staff. With the thing stuck at 001, I guess we’ll never know. Than again, they probably did need to test it…

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #55: “Hot Dog Baselard”
Price: 2 sols

No, I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it! I’m a swordseller, an ironmonger, not a carnival barker. I don’t sell food, no matter how sword-shaped those hot dogs are. You can just get someone else to do this one, because I’m not doing it.

Kastane’s Note:
Come one, come all, from outside the building and inside the hall! We want you to shop with wisdom and grace, but whaile you are here, why not stuff your face? Our baselards are fine, they’re sharp and they’re keen, but as hot dogs they’re best that’s ever been! Eat one or eat more, at two sols a bun, hotdog baselards are tasty, sharp-flavored, and fun!

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #999: “Final Falchion”
Price: 999 sols

The great sage Thornzorn was once asked the following question: “Master, what will be the very last sword forged on this planet as it is dying?” Thornzorn, a man of peace, found this to be a compelling question, as he hoped that the answer would show a future world free of strife and war. Over a series of intense divinations that lasted for weeks, he was able to tease information from the aether about the weapon that would be the last of it kind. First came information about its shape, its composition, its size. To his surprise, Thornzorn found that these were well within the means of contemporary swordmaking, and he gave the specifications to the great smith Ajuk to make a replica. That replica is what you see here: not magical in any way, but a vision of swordsmanship yet to come as realized by one of the great swordsmiths of ours or any age. Buy now!

Flyssa’s note:
When Ajuk finished making the sword, he came to give it to Thornzorn. The old guy was getting ready to find out how far in the future the sword was made, so he was like “come back tomorrow, smithy.” Well, Ajuk came back the next day and he found Thornzorn dead on the floor. I guess it wasn’t a good answer.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #4142: “Stiletto of Suffering”
Price: 1 sol (discount available)

So, um, yes. It seems that in the process of making the Misericorde of Mercy for Stefan of Stellazzio, the mage he hired had to make…another blade…as part of the process. This blade has the opposite properties, and therefore only hurts the innocent. And due to the aforementioned problems with, uh, the Misericorde, it means that the blade can pretty much only be used to hurt…uh…innocent babies. It’s really well-made at least? Might make a good wall-hanger?

Billao’s Note:
Please just take the thing. We’ll pay you.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #4141: “Misericorde of Mercy”
Price: 2202 sols

The great knight Stefan of Stellazzio was always wracked by worry that he might be harming innocents in his work as a knight, so he hired a mage to make him an enchanted stiletto that would refuse to draw blood from an innocent. Even today, the blade works exactly as advertised! The only issue is that Stefan failed to stipulate what he meant by innocent, so the dagger will basically strike anyone that has done anything. It will generally fail to kill infants, though, so that’s worth something!

Kastane’s Note:
“Misericorde” comes from the word for “mercy,” so “Misericorde of Mercy” literally means “mercy of mercy.” It’s enough to make you want to stab someone, provided that they aren’t innocent.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #10G: “The Assimilseax”
Price: 100,001 sols (payable in installments)

Originally completed for the Prince of Borg in the frozen lands of the far north, the Assimilseax is an extremely dangerous blade in that it absorbs the traits of any other blade it touches. For instance, striking the Assimilseax with a sword made of damascene steel will result in the Assimilseax itself becoming damascus; striking it with a blade of +2 to smiting will cause those traits to be transferred to the Assimilseax as well. The other sword, fully drained of its essence, will crumble away to dust. This makes it an unbeatable weapon, since no other sword can stand against it–and we offer it at an unbeatable price!

Flyssa’s Note:
Yeah, so, I think you can probably see two problems with this, and kinda guess why the Principality of Borg never really got all that much conquering done. One, it only works on swords, so you could just, like, use an axe or whatever. Second, you could make a cardboard sword and the Assimilseax would totally steal it. I’m pretty sure that’s how the Prince of Borg, like, actually died and junk.

• Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!