Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #31: “Bocci Blade”
Price: 521 sols

The Bocci Blade is one sword that you can never, ever trust. Antonio Grimaldi, first Baron Bocci, had it handcrafted and elaborately cursed so that it would always perform brilliantly in practice, even sparring, but fail its user in battle. Slipping out of one’s grasp, sticking in one’s scabbard, swinging wild, even rebounding back on the wielder–if you can think of a sword malfunction that doesn’t involve breakage, you’ll see it in the Bocci Blade. You might ask, then, why the Baron would have it made and why anyone would ever use it. That’s a very simple answer–it makes a great gift for one’s enemies!

Billao’s Note:
The one thing Baron Bocci didn’t count on was that the curse took the owner’s intentions into consideration, which is why he found himself run through with his very thoughtful gift.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #172: “Slayer, the Black Blade of the Filicide”
Price: 15,361 sols

Legend has it that Atri Cellon, the legendary Bloody Baron, first invoked the dark powers when he was confronted with a powerful foe that he could not defeat in the person of the Graf von Dohm and his army. The nightmare court answered, but in a missive writ in blood upon anthropodermic bibliopegy, the Grim Jester stated its price–the Baron’s son. No details survive, but given the slaughter of the von Dohm army that followed, and the lightless blade that chroniclers put in Cellon’s hand, it seems clear that he accepted. He carved a great and terrible fief with that weapon, and whenever its powers began to wane, another note accompanied it with the name of another victim who was dear to Cellon’s heart. It’s said that he drove his family tree to extinction and laid low all his principal friends and confidants before a final note arrived, blank–there was no one left he cared for, and thus no one left to power the blade. His fall was not long after. And now, the very blade he carried can hang on your wall!

Flyssa’s Note:
Uh, I’m pretty sure you have to, like, murder your children for this to work? We didn’t murder any children to test it, so uh, caveat emptor.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1112: “The Royal Rapier of King Regnis IV”
Price: 65,536 sols (payable in installments)

King Regnis, fourth of his name, was ruler of Zolhao during its golden age, and many credit him as bringing the country to its zenith of influence, power and wealth. Though he ruled with justice and moderation, the true love of Regnis’s life was fencing–he practiced every day, and insisted on entering fencing tournaments even when matters of state were pressing upon him. As such, he commissioned a fabulous rapier for himself, not one that was jeweled or gilded, but one that was simply of rock-solid quality and finely balanced. Though the royal monogram is etched on the handguard, in all other respects this is simply the finest fencing rapier ever commissioned–with a price to match! Indeed, Regnis was holding this very sword when he received the wound that would end his life via gangrene–with his lack of a wife or heir catapulting Zolhao into a devastating civil war.

Kastane’s Note:
Regnis was left-handed, and he only had three fingers on his left hand. So unless you want to chop two of your fingers off, this blade ain’t gonna be well balanced for you.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #131G: “Caladbolg’s Claymore”
Price: 999.5 sols

There are few taverns that haven’t been graced by tales of Caladbolg, a larger-than-life character whose exploits have entered the realm of legend. Whether you’re familiar with his duel at the causeway with Benandonner, his epic rivalry with Finn MacCool, or the legendary hunt for Am Fear Liath Mòr at Ben MacDhui, you’ll know that his claymore was never far from his side. Though not magical per se, the blade is of intensely strong and sturdy construction and bears the maker’s mark of Surtr himself. Now, for a bargain price, it can be yours–and so can the future tales and legends of its exploits!

Billao’s Note:
Caladbolg was 21 foot high, mate. His sword is really honkin’ huge even relative to that. You’re not liftin’ it.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #342b: “The Zhahuzashi”
Price: 33,082 sols, payable in installments

If you are of an antiquarian bent, you may have read about Zhahu, the dreaded demonlord of the seventh house, who ruled over the kingdom of Wexer for 100 years and one day as its blood czar. What you may not know, though, is that Zhahu was not simply cast down in defeat before the gates of the Hornmark–rather, he was trapped in a sword. This sword, to be specific! He remains within it to this day, a roiling mas of infernal energy no less dangerous today than when the Archmage Qurivy sealed him into this specially prepared wakizashi. If released, he is obligated to grant thee a single boon before resuming his grim work, but be warned! Zhahu is father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks, and he will twist your boon if he can. Buy today, and roll the dice!

Flyssa’s Note:
Okay, so, when I was moving this thing, this guy Zhahu started talking into my brain? He said that he was the blood czar or something, and if I freed him from his centuries of imprisonment he would, like, give me whatever I wanted and junk. So I said that if I sundered his prison and freed him, I wanted him to make my ex, Luwuk, come crawling back to me just so I could turn him down again. He knows what he did. anyway, Zhahu said he couldn’t do that so I put him back down.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #342b: “Guardian Gladius”
Price: 3,333 sols

Wonderful for the wealthy warlord, perfect for pirates’ plunder, designed for a dragon’s delve, it’s the guardian gladius! This sword is a wonder in and of itself, forged from strongest damascene steel with a mirror shine and a handle inlaid with gold and ivory. But the true wonder is its magickal ability: by speaking the command word (included with purchase) the guardian gladius will protect an area or item of it’s owner’s choice! Set-and-forget to guard your treasure, fire your bodyguard, or even have it keep an eternal vigil over your entombed wealth! Whatever you’re guarding, the guardian gladius will protect it as if wielded by an invisible swordsman of level five or above.

Kastane’s Note:
You might think you’re being funny. You might think you’re being clever. Ironic, even. But don’t do it. I know you’re thinking of doing it right now, but don’t. Seriously. DO NOT tell the Guardian Gladius that the real treasure was the friends you made along the way. DON’T DO IT.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #65000: “Singing Shamshir”
Price: 1999 sols

Perfect for any up and coming bard looking to put on a sharp performance, this little shamshir will belt out a jaunty tune as it is drawn and swung, filling the air with beautiful music for the enjoyment of you and yours! Sing along in harmony, take the opportunity to tumble or dance, or even fight with it–this sword will warble tunefully through it all. It may be a small blade, but it’s surely got big dreams–bring the gift of music to your swordsmanship today!

Billao’s Note:
It only sings songs from the bards Sir Nickel of Bakke and Plinkin’ Lark. That’s all it knows, and it won’t learn any other songs. I’ve tried, oh how I’ve tried. Run. Save yourself.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1701d: “The Blade of Binding”
Price: 17,902 sols, payable in installments

Have you ever wished that you could carry books around with you, but are discouraged by the weight and expense of doing so? Sure, we all have! But don’t listen to that nonsense about bookwagons and little free libraries–the true solution to the problem of reading on the go is the Blade of Binding! Forged from nib iron and quenched in ink by the legendary verbal fencer Pearshakes, the Blade of Binding will suck the very words out of every book, scroll, or pamphlet that you stab with it, and will display the contents on the fuller on command, one line at a time! Better still, the Blade of Binding can be used to strike the words back into a blank book of your choosing! This sword is truly mightier than the pen.

Kastane’s Note:
Do you know how hard it is to read a book one line at a time. Do you have any idea. No, of course you don’t, which is why I’m telling you. Do you know what else? You can’t display the contents on the fuller without knowing what the contents are! That’s right, you have to have the books memorized for the blade to be useful, or else haul around an index!

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #196a: “The Twin Tulwars”
Price: 802 sols per tulwar

Crafted by the master blind bladesmith Aravāri as one of his final projects, the Twin Tulwars are a masterpiece of tactical brilliance decades ahead of their time. Apart, the twin blades are finely balanced weapons of war suitable for dual or single wielding with or without a shield (sold separately). But they can also be locked together at the hilt to create a single omni-sword, a dervish dagger of death whose whirls win wars. While the left tulwar, magnificently engraved as “Love,” and the right tulwar, similarly embellished as “Hate” in Old High Ulwaric, are technically being sold separately (due to the terms of their pawning and consignment), we here at Sharpe’s believe that they should only ever be purchased as a pair. Take them both home today and get 50% off a twin scabbard!

Flyssa’s Note:
Aravāri died while the tulwars were still being quenched, and they were finished by his apprentices. And not his good apprentices either, these were handed off to the last one who hadn’t gotten a job someplace else while they were closing up shop. So they have more burrs than a prickerbush, are badly balanced together or separately, and the inlays are both backwards because the apprentices were illiterate and copied the inscription wrong. I dated a guy who sort of read Ulwaric, and he said the inscriptions were more like “rabbit meat” and “latrine fly.”

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #342b: “The Scimitar of Skirmishes”
Price: 1,191 sols

This scimitar, traded in by a traveler from the deserts of Aïbun, has the miraculous property of being able to duplicate itself a hundred times over! Simply speak the command word (included with purchase) and hand the blade to another, and a duplicate will be created when they pass it on. A legion of 100 troops can be armed in this manner all but instantly, with each equipped with a high-quality damascene scimitar of fantastic sharpness and battle.

Billao’s Note:
Yeah, the daughter scimitars only last for one minute after the first clash of steel in the area. I guess you could make it work if it was a really quick battle, but I think this might have been meant as a way to quietly assassinate someone who’d be totally defenseless after a minute of battle.

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