Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Named after its founder, John Christmas, Christmasville is unusual in that it does not lean into its holiday-themed name in the slightest. There are no year-round holiday decorations, no tree farms, and the local Santa only works two weeks per year as is traditional. Many attribute this attitude to the longtime mayor William Christmas III, who was in office for nearly 40 years. A deeply religious man, he nevertheless disdained seasonal trappings as the crass commercialization of what ought to be a solemn and dignified holiday. When asked about his town’s lack of Christmas shush, Mayor Christmas would always remark that there were hundreds of other cities trying to be Christmas City USA and no hope of beating them; the only option was to be a good town and leave Christmas in the hands of the Lord.

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The Consolidated Truck Stop and Gas Station was formed from the merger of three smaller gas stations and was a beacon of the interstate for many years. Business was good enough to erect large steel letters on poles by the interstate reading “GAS STATION” and “TRUCK STOP.” Crippled by the early-2000s increase in fuel prices, the station closed in 2003. Its owners simply abandoned it, and years of neglect led the steel letters to begin falling off one by one. By the late 2010s, “GAS STATION” had deteriorated to “AS S ION” with plant growth largely obscuring the “ION.” This led to a short-lived popularity as a piece of urban decay photography, with the dilapidated station being framed behind what appeared to be a sign reading “ASS.”

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Camden Parsons’ dreams of being an influencer had to accommodate her rural upbringing and the lack of local glamor. Undeterred, she set out to be the world’s first professional bass fishing influencer, combining fishing trips to local hot spots with family and relatives with glamor shots and pinups in waders. Surprisingly, the strategy has somewhat worked, and Camden has thousands of followers and several minor endorsement deals to her credit. Her current goal is to court a national-level sponsor to compete in, and pose at, the regional bass fishing championships.

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Originally intended to be “Valiant Storage,” the owners realized too late that the name was already taken after printing all their signage. Converting the “L” to an “R” meant limiting their losses, but also led to much bemusement over what variants were being stored there. The facility fields multiple calls per day from collectors mistaking it for a specialized facility for storing rare variant comic books or action figures.

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A taxidermied buffalo that is famously, or infamously, large. The last survivor of a failed buffalo farm, the unnamed beast became a familiar sight to travelers as it grazed along a popular road, with many local sets of directions beginning with “turn at the giant buffalo.” By the time of its death it was a local tourist attraction with several business in town named after it, such as the Buffalo Grocery and the Buffalo Gas Station. Taxidermied after its death in a winter ice storm, the buffalo now resides in a special pavilion as a the nucleus of a small buffalo themed tourist trap as “the world’s largest stuffed buffalo,” occasionally referred to in travel guides as the “Stuffalo.”

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The dark figure sidled up next to Russ at the bar. “I understand you’re a man who knows about the Sizzle.”

Russ sipped at his drink. “Everybody knows about the Sizzle; what they read in storybooks and see in cartoons.”

The figure pressed the subject, motioning to the bartender to freshen Russ’s drink. “But you know more about ghosts. You’ve seen the Sizzle, communicated with the Sizzle, even banished the Sizzle.”

“Not anymore,” Russ said, taking another sip. “Not for a long time. Why do you want to know?”

The figure let their dark cloak slip off. “Because I am the Sizzle, and I need to know what this means.”

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The dark figure sidled up next to Russ at the bar. “I understand you’re a man who knows about ghosts.”

Russ sipped at his drink. “Everybody knows about ghosts; what they read in storybooks and see in cartoons.”

The figure pressed the subject, motioning to the bartender to freshen Russ’s drink. “But you know more about ghosts. You’ve seen ghosts, communicated with ghosts, even banished ghosts.”

“Not anymore,” Russ said, taking another sip. “Not for a long time. Why do you want to know?”

The figure let their dark cloak slip off. “Because I am a ghost, and I need to know what this means.”

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The waiter approached the table, bearing a single gilded toothpick upon a silk napkin. Vandercarn picked it up and delicately prodded at his teeth.

“May…may I have a toothpick as well?” said Stubbs.

“Ha! Dear Stubbs, this toothpick is an electrum-gilded miracle, one of a kind, and it’s in my mouth besides. Do you really want it that badly?”

Stubbs sucked audibly on his teeth. “I’d settle for a wooden one.”

“Oh, there are no wooden toothpicks here,” Vandercarn laughed. “A thing you only use once! How wasteful. No, you may use your fork once our business is done and not a moment before, are we clear?”

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“Is that…?”

Toriop’s hands tightened in their gloves on either side of the isolation chamber. “Yes. The last of the invader’s eggs.”

“If that were ever to hatch, it-”

“It won’t, at least not under these conditions. A species is not to be exterminated lightly.”

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In most Elevener circles, any depiction of any part of any living body is forbidden. Personal mirrors are allowed, but no illustrations or objects may contain or depict any part of a living body, in whole or in part. This includes animals, plants, single-celled organisms, and even viruses (thanks to a ruling by an Eleven high circle that anything that might be alive is considered alive).

This has an effect on the use of illustrations for educational purposes and signage. Conservative Eleveners insist that the prohibition is universal, and that technical publications must omit any living beings, often depicting items being suspended in midair or in the middle of an oval blob, roughly human sized but not human shaped. More liberal Eleveners make exceptions for technical and medical manuals but require them to be produced elsewhere and only handled in emergencies and specific training situations, followed by symbolic ablutions to purge the ritual impurity.

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