Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Seraph Guilder, Wizard’s Workshop Head
Lvl. 5 elf rogue/wizard

You see the head of the Wizard’s Workshop, beset on all sides by panicky students with poor time management skills. Despite the hubbub, they seem cool and collected, tackling crises one at a time as they emerge.

Specialized in the repair and maintenance of the complex magical engines in the Wizard’s Workshop, Guilder is currently overwhelmed by students desperate to complete their projects before the finals deadline and besieged by desperate and underprepared students. While they know how to use all the technology in the Workshop and are happy to demonstrate it, they are also unable to give players their full attention.

Players must succeed on a DC 12 fortitude save in order to raise their voices enough to be heard, and succeed on a DC 12 perception check in order to hear an answer. Otherwise, they will hear only garbled snatches of speech. The mob of students can be cleared with a DC 13 Intimidate roll; if they are attacked, Guilder will use teleport to move the players to a random room in the library, though they will not notice if players return.

It is important for Guilder to examine the conjuration file that Prof. Jade gave the players, as only they can recognize that it contains a critical error and repair it. Only a repaired conjuration file will be conjured properly; otherwise, a corrupted orb will be summoned. If battle is joined against a corrupted orb, Guilder will focus on evacuating students from the workshop for four rounds and will only return to join the party in combat starting in round five.

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Doctor Hawk, Antiquarian Professor
Lvl. 5 gnome wizard

An ancient gnome in fine but worn robes sits at the machine, reading a scroll and making occasional notes with an enormous ink quill as they find items of interest. They wear a pair of enormous eyeglasses that are almost an inch thick, and seem totally ignorant of your presence.

Dr. Hawk is a retired professor who is working on what they hope will be the definitive book on the cultural history of landsharks. A former teacher, they are happy to help players use the machines and to give them advice, but this is complicated by their very poor eyesight and hearing. Dr. Hawk has a 50% chance of misunderstanding players, and a 50% chance of failing to notice any changes in their environment.

Dr. Hawk would prefer to finish their research in peace. If asked politely, and they understand the question, Dr. Hawk will move out of the way and leave, but will do so without showing players how to use the reader unless asked. If treated rudely, Dr. Hawk will cast silence on the party and ignore them. In either case, unless interrupted, Dr. Hawk will not leave the reader. Dr. Hawk does not know how to enter the Wizard’s Workshop, as they do not care for “modern technology.”

If the players are attacked by a shadow or are otherwise in combat, Dr. Hawk has a 50% chance per round of not noticing; if they notice, they will enter combat on the player’s side. Due to their poor eyesight, there a 1 in 6 chance that they will accidentally attack players for half damage.

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A dwarven student is attempting to print a spell, muttering to themselves, while goblins continually bedevil them.

Cyrix is attempting to print a scroll of detect magic that serves as their final exam for SPCR 201, Intermediate Spellcrafting. However, they have encountered a jam in the printing press and are being harassed by goblins. If the goblins are attacked, Cyrix will join combat against them; if they are driven off, they will gruffly indicate gratitude. Cyrix has a valid student ID that they will lend to players if and only if they are able to print their spell; their ID has 5 Express gold on it. In exchange for a further 5 gold, Cyrix will print an extra copy of detect magic.

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A large green pointy-eared goblin, standing head and shoulders above their peers, sits in the middle of the Goblin Commons. “It’s late at night and a dangerous time of year, friend,” they say. “In exchange for a gift, we’ll…protect…you as you move through here.”

Tarf will demand tribute every time players attempt to move through the Goblin Commons, and they will not allow players to approach or use the Hall of Prophecy, the Printing Press, or the Duplicator until tribute has been offered. They will, however, allow players to approach the vending machines for the purpose of buying snacks, provided those snacks are then given in tribute. Tarf knows the layout of the library well, but is on poor terms with the librarians and does not know the location of any specific books or items, nor do they know the secret to entering the Wizard’s Workshop.

Players can bluff their way past Tarf with a DC 15 Persuasion or Intimidate check, but the DC will increase by +2 each time they do so. Tarf will allow players to withdraw if they refuse to pay, but if they attempt to proceed, they will attack along with 3 goblins. Players can also attempt to sneak through, which is also a DC 15 and increases by +2 each time. If Tarf and their goblins are killed, any non-food tribute items can be retrieved from their bodies.

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Shadow-of-the-Pipes
Lvl 1 Shadow

The spirit of a departed soul that passed away in the first floor restrooms, Shadow-of-the-Pipes appears in any of the men’s or the women’s restrooms randomly. There is a 50% chance (1d4 1-2), upon entering either room, that Shadow-of-the-Pipes will be present, rising to 75% (1d4 1-3) if the door has been mysteriously locked from the inside. Regardless of whether Shadow-of-the-Pipes is present, a CR 5 perception check can reveal its faint moans.

Upon encountering players, Shadow-of-the-Pipes will demand that they leave immediately, having spent their mortal life often turned away from occupied bathrooms, it seeks solace there in death. A CR 12 charisma, persuasion, strength, or intimidation check can calm Shadow-of-the-Pipes temporarily to allow for conversation; otherwise it will attack but will not pursue players beyond the bathroom. Shadow-of-the-Pipes will give only vague and evasive answers to questions, and will also demand that its overdue library book Voynich II: The Day After be returned so that it might know peace in death.

If the players clear up the missing book, Shadow-of-the-Pipes will appear in the next bathroom that they enter, grateful for their deed and ready to ascend to the next level. In gratitude, they will give the answer to one question or reveal the location of a magic item before vanishing in a burst of light. Shadow-of-the-Pipes knows how to get into the Wizard’s Workshop (making with sign of the shark over their heart) and most other library questions, at the DM’s discretion. If players opt for a magic item, it will be a potion of insight or a scroll of invisibility hidden behind some pipes in the current bathroom.

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Erunet the Patient
Level 5 half-elf noble

Erunet the Patient is an experienced librarian and the foremost scholar on the classification of magical fungi in the realm. While they can and do perform library work, answer reference questions, and teach classes, their true passion is the classification of magical fungi and they will unconsciously attempt to turn the topic of any conversation to it. Presenting a mold or fungus of significant interest will around Ernet’s undivided attention, and they will reward it with the gift of knowledge, a healing potion, or a scroll of invisibility depending on how persuasive players are on a DC 13 Will save.

Erunet is otherwise currently teaching a class of rowdy freshmen and is very busy and distracted, only able to offer brief and incomplete answers to questions. They know the answers to most library questions, however, even if they are not currently able to divulge them.

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Myha Cottonmouth, Elvish Language Learner (ELL)
Level 1 human commoner

Myha is a freshman student majoring in Mercantile Administration who is being tutored in ELVI 101, First Year Elvish. It is not going well. Their father, Lord Cottonmouth, owns a chain of wagon dealerships and intends to groom Myha as a successor. This is, of course, contingent on Myha getting a degree, and they are currently struggling with ELVI 101, First Year Elvish. They are not at all interested in this.

Myha is very friendly and outgoing, and will happily chat with anyone as a distraction, despite their tutor’s annoyance. While they have not been paying attention and therefore do not know how to enter the Wizard’s Workshop, they are wealthy and will happily loan anyone who asks a few gold pieces. They will only be able to pass their exam if convinced to study with a DC 16 check, or if given a potion of insight.

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Abavy Waggletongue, Language Tutor
Level 2 half-orc commoner

Abavy is an upperclassman majoring in Tapestry History attempting to tutor Myha Cottonmouth in ELVI 101, First Year Elvish. It is not going well. Even though Abavy is being paid for their efforts, they are late for their other job waiting tables and will not get a promised bonus from Lord Cottonmouth unless Myha passes ELVI 101 with at least a C-. As a first-generation student who is not from a wealthy family, this money could make a huge difference.

As such, Abavy is very frazzled and distracted and not willing to engage in conversation. But they know how to get into the Wizard’s Workshop, having seen several people enter and exit by making with sign of the shark over their heart. They will not divulge this information unless they are convinced that Myha is fully tutored and ready to ace the ELVI 101 exam

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Nertin the Underpaid
Lvl 1 human commoner

Nertin the Underpaid is working the front desk alone due to a co-worker calling out sick and the supervisor being called away to a family emergency. The Interndimensional Loan librarian is also absent on a delivery mission to the Elemental Plane of Paper. As such, while Nertin is willing to help the players with directions and answering questions, they will steadfastly refuse to leave their post. Nertin will also flatly refuse to summon the school police in response to any disturbances, as they firmly believe that this would only escalate any such situation.

While Nertin knows the answers to some quest-related questions, they are also relatively new and very unsure of themselves. The DM should roll a DC 12 Wisdom save for Nertin when asked a quest-related question; if they fail, Nertin becomes flustered and claims not to know the answer due to lack of confidence (even if they do know it). If attacked, Nertin will flee to the bathrooms on the first floor and leave by way of a scroll of Gate. Nertin’s library spellbook requires a password which they are unwilling to surrender.

A fastidious follower of the rules, Nertin will refuse to check out a book to anyone without a valid school ID, though they will not notice if the ID does not match the person holding it if they fail a DC 15 Perception roll.

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These shelves hold the library’s mundane—that is, non-magical—books. The books on the first floor are mostly related to practical matters such as construction and gardening, though there are also some more esoteric tomes. The shelves are normally stored compactly, and must be opened to allow access. Call numbers are also needed in order to find a certain book, as the millions of volumes are otherwise impossible to navigate. However, the books are also shelved by subject, meaning that if you can locate a book, it will usually be surrounded by others on the same topic.

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