Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

The years that followed were extremely chaotic, as the Zypger state all but collapsed and its military was fractured into competing groups squabbling for power in the vacuum. While a democratic state, the First Zypger Republic, was nominally in power, in reality the time was one of near-anarchy. A semblance of order was not reestablished until one of the most decorated generals from the Zypger-Vatna War, Marshal Xytss, overthrew the First Zypger Republic and declared himself the new First Citizen of the Zypger Union, a nominally democratic state that was in practice a totalitarian bureaucracy.

Marshal Xytss remains a controversial figure–a genocidal madman to some, the father of his people to others. But it cannot be denied that his government reimposed central control over the Zypger worlds, lobbied for full admission to the Star Confederation as a full member, and rebuilt the economy. His successors as First Citizen have largely upheld his policies, with some variations, though the current First Citizen is regarded by many as an elderly figurehead for his ambitious Second Citizen.

Xytss organized the Zypger Union around what he called “scientific balanced consultation.” Openings for government positions are filled with a combination of ballots, social merits and demerits, and input from supervisors. In theory, this means that the popular will, the ability of the person in question, and their supervisors’ experience are all weighed and considered in decisions of promotion and policy. In practice, critics argue that it is easy for wealthy and powerful Zypger to thumb the scale through informal means.

Strict censorship of all forms of media is practiced within the Union, and those who openly defy the government are added to the Union’s HoloKill list. Their biometrics–already in the state’s possession–are used to preemptively block their image and mute their voice in all Star Confederation broadcasts, streams, and media within the Union. If they are interviewed, the interviewer seems to be speaking to empty space–assuming that the interview is available in the Union at all. If they go into exile and are elected or appointed to any positions, the entire planet is muted–which the Star Confederation at large is loathe to allow, since it both needs Zypger products and wants to sell to their large population.

So while Zypger dissidents and exiles have full civil rights within the Star Confederation, they are effectively unpersons in the media–since no one wants their stream or their planet to be muted before a large and relatively wealthy audience.

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For a period of almost 3000 years, Zypger were dominated by the Eternal Empire, the state that had unified Zypger IV, its core worlds, and its outer colonies. The Eternal Emperor, regarded as the reincarnation of the previous holder of the title, was carefully sought out after the death of the previous monarch during a lengthy interregnum. He (and it was always a he) was also the chief hierophant of the largest Zypger religion, with near-unlimited power restrained only by custom. This had worked well enough for a period, and the Zypger Unification Wars had happened during the Noble Millennium, a time of near-unbroken rule by moderate Eternal Emperors or regents.

This came to an end with the Idg-Nauh-Iauh-Egis, the Four Bad Emperors, a period of uninterrupted misfortune and tyranny. Eternal Emperor Rnys launched a ruinous military invasion of Vatna space, supporting the campaign with heavy taxes and military rule. After his assassination, his successor Eternal Emperor Bxic was utterly dominated by a cabal of military and industrial figures who continued the war and cracked down on the populace further. By this point, interplanetary transport was beginning to break down under assaults by Vatna privateers, and Bxic perished under unclear circumstances during a famine and plague that swept Zypger IV.

Eternal Emperor Zavuu made peace with the Vatna, but when faced with demands by his people at large for reforms, he doubled down and deployed for formidable Zypger military against its own people on a large scale. Forced to look elsewhere for support, Zavuu joined the Star Confederation as an associate member and negotiated favorable trade deals, but this led to an intense period of brain-drain and capital flight. The final straw for many Zypger was Zavuu’s announcement that he would be succeeded by his young son Zabuq, who the Eternal Emperor declared to be his “preincarnation” who would rule as Zabuq II after his death.

A bomb in the Emperor’s box at the Great Opera put this plot into motion, and Zabuq II was duly enthroned, but the young Eternal Emperor was inflexible and temperamental. He quickly found himself facing a large-scale, organized rebellion, and his own troops melted away. The entire royal family was killed when the imperial barge was fired upon by rebel fighters, and since both the religious officials in charge of the transition and the ceremonial items used to determine an imperial reincarnation were aboard, the millennia-long reign of the Eternal Emperors came to an end.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #9999: “Volclaymore”
Price: 2323 sols

Legend has it that this sword was forged by a sentient volcano, and that its blade burns bright when evil is afoot. But you’re not going to believe that, are you? No, you’re not, because my snarky staff has been undermining every single sale I’ve been trying to make all month! It doesn’t matter that I can’t pay them if I don’t sell any swords, they’re just happy to sit around and crack jokes while I do all the hard work. That’s it, kid. Sale’s over. Go home.

Billao, Kastane, and Flyssa’s Note:
Since we reforge and repair the steel, we think the hard work is definitely on our side.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #291h: “Sad Spathaphone”
Price: 341 sols

This brass beauty is not just a keen blade, oh no: it’s also a tool of psychological warfare! That’s right, the valves and openings on the side are not just for show, and the replaceable reeds are not simple set dressing. Rather, every time you swing this blade, it will loudly, and automatically, play a devastatingly sad soulful saxophone solo. Watch your enemies stop in mid-attack as they are suddenly struck with bouts of melancholy, wistful longing, or bitter ennui. This allows either a genuine human connection, a hand of mercy proffered across the abyss of war and death, or an attack of opportunity.

Billao’s Note:
It crushes your enemies, just not in the way that most people mean.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Umbrapier”
Price: 1432 sols

Many establishments have a no weapons policy, but are you going to let that keep you from defending yourself? You never know when danger–or assassins!–will strike, so why not be ready when either or both do? That’s where the Umbrapier comes in–a simple umbrella to the unsuspecting eye, but a deadly sword once drawn. And unlike other would-be “swordbrellas,” the Umbrapier actually functions as an umbrella, meaning that it is that much less likely to be found out–and it can even keep you dry on a rainy day!

Flyssa’s note:
They rust into their scabbards. All of them.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Pugio of Pizza”
Price: 323 sols

Not all swords are meant for battle, and there’s no better example of this than the Pugio of Pizza, which was specifically designed to be a utility blade for a pizzamancer. Behold the detachable guard, which detaches and doubles as a cheese grater! Behold the pommel, which detaches and doubles as a pizza cutter! The blade itself is expertly shaped for slicing pepperoni, finishing dough, and other tasks around a pizza kitchen. When you’re done, just reassemble the sword and you’re good to go! Buy it and try for yourself today!

Kastane’s Note:
It’s ironically both cheaper and more useful to buy a grater, a cutter, and a pizzamancer’s slicer and have them separately. I’m especially not sure what they were thinking with the handguard that grates.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1135: “Sheax”
Price: 1 sol (offers accepted)

Look, I don’t know why someone made a sword to herd sheep with a spell that works only on metal, okay? Maybe they were metal sheep. Maybe you can modify the enchantment so it herds real sheep, or herds robots or something. We just need it gone, okay?

Billao’s Note:
We’re all feeling a little sheepish about this one.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #473: “Celsius, the Blade of Heat”
Price: 2002 sols

Do you need more heat in battle–pure, scalding, remorseless heat that will burn exposed skin and leave scars that will last for days? Then Celsius, the Blade of Heat, is perfect for your needs! Commissioned by the great gormomancer Tureen, this heat engine in sword form is unquenchable and unstoppable. Regardless of the recipe for disaster that you are confronted with, this blade will ensure a warm reception. Buy it today! And, incidentally, no refunds.

Flyssa’s note:
Uh, it only works on soup. That’s what Sharpe is trying to dance around there. Yeah. Only soup. Not soup-er useful, I guess.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #303c: “Cutlass of Comprehension”
Price: 2102 sols

We are, all of us, alone. Ultimately unable to hear the true inner voice of anyone else, no matter how much they may say or do, we are forever forced to know and to comprehend only ourselves, and imperfectly at that. At least that was the case until the Cutlass of Comprehension! Forged by Heartbeard the Pirate from rare soul silver captured from an inbound galleon, the Cutlass of Comprehension immediately unites in mutual understanding any two who touch it. Used for decades as a psychologist’s tool, an unfortunate bankruptcy has brought it here, where it can be yours at a shockingly low pawnbroker’s rate!

Kastane’s Note:
I’m pretty sure the psychologist had to pawn it because mutual understanding is so terrifying that it makes people want to run for the hills and never see each other again. Like me, for example. I have accidentally brushed the cutlass while Sharpe was holding it. And Flyssa. And Billao. And I never want to see any of them again.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #801a: “A Sword to Save the World”
Price: 10,001 sols (payable in installments)

The blind prophet Zoxkyogy, renowned for his perfect foresight and mastery of augury, once laid out the exact qualities needed in a sword that would save the world to the great smith Kealz. In an act of forgery yet unrivaled to this day, Kealz produced a blade with the exact qualities Zoxkyogy predicted, working hand in hand with the seer to ensure total accuracy. The effort was such that the prophet passed away soon after the blade was quenched, and Kealz was left a broken man who lingered near death for weeks before he too expired. The resultant blade will save the world someday–it it a certainty. Will it be in your hand that it does so? Buy it today and see for yourself!

Billao’s Note:
I don’t know what threat calls for a perfectly cube-shaped sword that cannot be sharpened, but I’m not sure I want to.

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