Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1721: “Quantum Cinquedea”
Price: 3210 sols

How often have you wished that your blade could be in two places at once, fighting multiple foes with but the exertion of one arm? The Quantum Cinquedea, using breakthrough entanglement magic I don’t even pretend to understand, is just the thing! Every action taken by one blade is taken by the other, regardless of how far apart they are. Try it out today, and double your offensive power!

Flyssa’s note:
It seems like a good idea until you lose track of the other one and, um, stab yourself in the back. Ask me how I know.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #2520: “Betablade”
Price: 419 sols

Far superior to the competing brand from Very Heavy Sword™, this classic Betablade™ will record up to six hours of continuous live combat for later playback. Perfect for analyzing your actions, review by experts, or even instant replays of fencing bouts! Or hand the sword off to a friend to let them feel what it’s like to be you in the heat of battle! Note that some minor degradation can occur during playback, and recording a recording will result in further quality loss. Keep your Betablade™ away from strongly magnetic lodestone, high temperatures, low temperatures, and excessive humidity. Remember to leave your Betablade™ in its case when not in use, and never attempt to open it, as you risk permanently damaging its MagiRec recording system.

Kastane’s Note:
I’m quite sure that the new Duplicating Violence Dao™ swords will kill both Betablade and Very Heavy Sword.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #2325: “Wolfwootz”
Price: 49 sols

A sheep farmer, amateur smith, and hedge mage in the old provinces was once bedeviled by wolves, who constantly attacked and took his sheep and decimated his flocks. So he took it upon himself to create a blade that would solve the problem, even going to far as to forge his own wootz steel in his backyard. In the end, the blade was finished only at the cost of the shepherd’s life, and it fell to others to finish the weapon by adding a hilt, guard, and pommel. The resulting weapon has a thirst for blood, and will hunt down foes mercilessly–glowing in their presence and inflicting extra damage upon them with every wound. For the bargain price of practically free, what ulterior motive could we possibly have in offering it thus?

Billao’s Note:
THE SWORD ONLY KILLS WOLVES. It only glows when wolves are nearby, only deals extra damage to wolves, and won’t even harm anything else unless it’s wearing a wolf skin. I guess you could go around with a pelt, throw it on your target, and go to town, but how convenient is that? Seriously, don’t kill wolves. They’re endangered enough as it is.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #711y: “Kolibri Khopesh”
Price: 3050 sols

The ancient builders of Sumdh are famed for their enduring works of stone, and for taming the great river Avyr that bisects their arid land. But they were also master bladesmiths, being the first to forge in both bronze and iron in their area of the known world, and being among the first to weave enchantments into their wootz. This particular blade was created for their revered god Waxundu, and laid to rest in a now-plundered tomb in the hope that Waxundu might avail himself of the blade both as offering and as a weapon as he guided the souls to their eternal reward of the afterlife. As a blade fit for a psychopomp such as he, it is suffused with potent and ancient charms for wounding, bloodletting, and protection–all of which have never been used. Why not be the first? It’s available for purchase today, and even includes a handsome oversized teak box with your payment in full.

Flyssa’s note:
Yeah, um, Waxundu the grim reaper of the Sumdh? Great and terrible guide across the river Avyr into the Lands Beyond, or something like that? Yeah, he was a hummingbird.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #1313a: “Messer of Makeovers”
Price: 200 sols

Have you ever wished that getting a new look was as easy as getting shanked in the streets? Well, wish no more! This rare tool-room prototype of the Makeover Messer is straight from the forge at Pommel™, and its powerful enchantments mean that anyone stabbed by it will have makeup, spa treatments, and even in some cases a new wardrobe applied instantly! It may be true that Pommel™ decided not to bring this miraculous tool to the general market, but their loss is your gain, since this item absolutely, positively works as advertised!

Kastane’s Note:
You still get stabbed though. With a sharp metal sword.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #827: “The Rhomphaia of Rumpus”
Price: 1999 sol

The great Strategikon Targos once challenged his great military rival, the al-Dhoul Hamizid, to a one on one duel. the battle was to be fought on neutral ground, with the winner taking all in the bitter war that their two empires had been fighting. During the battle, Targos lost his shield but Hamizid shattered his sword, and the result is disputed to this day. Some say Hamizid stole Targos’s rhompaia and slew him, while others insist that Targos cut down his rival after smashing his shamshir. Either way, the chronicles agree that the victor was charged by the angry fellows of his victim, who killed him with that selfsame rhompaia. Take home this important and well-made historical artifact today!

Flyssa’s note:
So, um, the ghosts of Targos and Hamizid are both possessing the blade, and they kinda hate each other. Like, really hate each other. Like old married couple hate each other. If you hold it, you get to hear them bickering and half the time they will decide they don’t like what you’re doing and override it. It is not worth it.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #288: “Killcount Katal”
Price: 150 sols

A boastful noble, the Yohoz of Sibit, continually claimed that he had killed dozens of men in single combat despite his family and courtiers seeing no evidence of such battles. In collaboration with his court mage, they decided to humble him by presenting a katal punch-dagger with a kill counter on it; for every person he killed, it would increment by one, topping out at 999 kills, at which time it would reset to 000. What better measure could there be of a warrior’s prowess? Buy today!

Billao’s Note:
One version of the legend says that the Yohoz, ashamed, killed himself the next night. Another version says that the Yohoz, enraged, murdered his family and every last one of his palace staff. With the thing stuck at 001, I guess we’ll never know. Than again, they probably did need to test it…

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #55: “Hot Dog Baselard”
Price: 2 sols

No, I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it! I’m a swordseller, an ironmonger, not a carnival barker. I don’t sell food, no matter how sword-shaped those hot dogs are. You can just get someone else to do this one, because I’m not doing it.

Kastane’s Note:
Come one, come all, from outside the building and inside the hall! We want you to shop with wisdom and grace, but whaile you are here, why not stuff your face? Our baselards are fine, they’re sharp and they’re keen, but as hot dogs they’re best that’s ever been! Eat one or eat more, at two sols a bun, hotdog baselards are tasty, sharp-flavored, and fun!

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #999: “Final Falchion”
Price: 999 sols

The great sage Thornzorn was once asked the following question: “Master, what will be the very last sword forged on this planet as it is dying?” Thornzorn, a man of peace, found this to be a compelling question, as he hoped that the answer would show a future world free of strife and war. Over a series of intense divinations that lasted for weeks, he was able to tease information from the aether about the weapon that would be the last of it kind. First came information about its shape, its composition, its size. To his surprise, Thornzorn found that these were well within the means of contemporary swordmaking, and he gave the specifications to the great smith Ajuk to make a replica. That replica is what you see here: not magical in any way, but a vision of swordsmanship yet to come as realized by one of the great swordsmiths of ours or any age. Buy now!

Flyssa’s note:
When Ajuk finished making the sword, he came to give it to Thornzorn. The old guy was getting ready to find out how far in the future the sword was made, so he was like “come back tomorrow, smithy.” Well, Ajuk came back the next day and he found Thornzorn dead on the floor. I guess it wasn’t a good answer.

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Sharpe’s Bizarre Blade Bazaar Item #4142: “Stiletto of Suffering”
Price: 1 sol (discount available)

So, um, yes. It seems that in the process of making the Misericorde of Mercy for Stefan of Stellazzio, the mage he hired had to make…another blade…as part of the process. This blade has the opposite properties, and therefore only hurts the innocent. And due to the aforementioned problems with, uh, the Misericorde, it means that the blade can pretty much only be used to hurt…uh…innocent babies. It’s really well-made at least? Might make a good wall-hanger?

Billao’s Note:
Please just take the thing. We’ll pay you.

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