“We’d like the welcome our Gold Pearl Medallion Cubic Zirconia Members aboard Alpha Airlines Flight 1666.”
“Damn.”
“Next, our first class passengers may board at this time.”
“Not me.”
“Coach passengers with disabilities, small children, or disabled small children are welcome to board Alpha Airlines Flight 1666 at this time.”
“Still not me.”
“Now boarding Zone 1. Passengers who paid extra for Zone 1 boarding may board at this time.”
“Darn it, I won’t have anywhere to put my suitcase!”
“Zone 2. Zone 2 passengers may board at this time, through the General Boarding Lane we set up so that people crowd the wrong place before their number is called.”
“Aah, there’s hardly anyone left! Uh, Miss?”
“Yes?”
“I was wondering how long I have to wait before I board.”
“Just until we call your zone number. What’s your zone number? It should be on your boarding pass.”
“Zone 5.”
“What?”
“Zone 5.”
“That’s impossible, Alpha Airlines only goes up to Zone 3.”
“I’m telling you, that’s what it says. See? Zone 5.”
“Hmm.”
“So can I board now?”
“No, I’m afraid this means you can never board, since we will never call this zone.”
“What?”
“And, since your ticket has an impossibility on it, airport security will want to have a word with you in a locked room with a two-way mirror.”
“What??”
“That’s right, officers. Take them away. Now boarding Zone 3. Zone 3 passengers may board at this time.”
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 