The official blogiversary date was a few days ago, but it seems to have slipped my mind–how ironic that the 11th year of this blog has had by far the most time for writing but also the least focus for it.

It’s been an eventful year; COVID and coups, Zoom and gloom, the overwhelming feeling of secular millenarianism. And yet, I have been privileged to be able to keep this blog another year, privileged to be in a secure enough position to devote time to it, privileged to have a ready source of power, shelter, and internet. If a blog can be said to be a barometer of fortunate chance ad privilege this is it.

When I started this writing, in 2010, my goal as clear. Use these daily entries to hone my edge and practice while preparing and submitting short stories and novels for traditional publication. A book in print, or a series of short stories in magazines, just like the author-heroes I revered–that was the ticket.

Now I wonder if, in 11 years and over 4000 daily drabbles, I might have inadvertently built the very thing I was looking for in a format I spurned. Amid all the typos and formatting errors is a literary journal, chronicling my thoughts and feelings through the medium of fiction. You can even trace some of my evolving beliefs, my attempts to better myself and banish regressive and fascist thoughts, if you dig hard enough.

Is it the perfect model of literary success I hoped for as a wet-behind-the-ears young man? No. Will it bring me fame, fortune, or even notoriety? Again, no. But it is an achievement, perhaps even a singular one. And as I sit here, grasping for meaning in an untethered age, perhaps that’s enough.

Enjoy the stories.

Greetings and Introduction

Welcome! The editors here at Excerpts from Nonexistent Books are honored, nay, humbled that you have chosen to read from our humble site, and we are even more excited to kick off a weeklong celebration of 10 years’ literary blogging!

This blog was started in 2010 with a humble goal: to provide an outlet for the finest literature that did not, technically, exist (and as a daily, and accountable, writing blog besides!). At times it seemed like the project would not last the year, and EFNB was woefully behind at times, up to a month in some cases. But now, 3,652 entries later, it has all come together.

For this commemorative entry, the EFNB editors have gathered some comments from our nonexistent authors, posed questions to some of our longest-running nonexistent characters, and compiled some tantalizing statistics for nerds and nerkles. Finally, we have some exciting news in the form of a blast from the past! Stick around—if you’ve been with us for 10 years of this nonsense, you’re sure to enjoy what we’ve got in store.

Comments from Nonexistent Authors

“Ladies, gentlemen, and anything in between, it has been a pleasure and I hope it continues to be.”
Mariana Brinson

“Has it really been ten years? It feels like five-and-a-half at most. Perhaps there’s a time warp thing involved, I dunno.”
Altos Wexan

“Oh wow!!! CONGRATULATIONS! That’s wonderful!! Wooooooooow, 10 whole years. That’s an impressive milestone!”
Amanda Elton

“How did you get this address? Get out of my office!”
Phil “Stonewall” Pixa

“Nice! As someone who can’t finish nearly anything with an semblance of consistency I find it impressive.”
Akima Wren

Nokin Kobeyashi

“It’s been an delight, since most sites think my writing is for the birds.”
Sandra Cooke Jameson

“I’m honored to be part of EFNB, and I will live on forever through its fame and glory!”
Blythe Hilson

Questions with Nonexistent Characters

Q: What is best in life?
A: To crush a difficult recipe, see it served before you, and to hear the happy belches of the customers.
-Takenaka Chihiro, the wandering Sengoku Jidai gourmet chef

Q: What do you like best about appearing in EFNB?
A: Since my author will probably never finish my novel or short stories, it’s the only way I can exist. I guess I’ll take it, since the alternative is staying cooped up in his head.
-Pamela Ellen “Peg” Gregory, minimum-wage space jockey

Q: What is a good quality in a nonexistent character?
A: Existence is illusory. We only give existence power through belief; with enough belief, even the most ridiculous thing can be said to exist and exert its will. The ideal thing is to be the hand or sword-arm of that thing–no one has to believe in you, but you may as well be all-powerful.
-Pierre Richat, enigmatic villain

Q: Who do you like in the 2020 EFNB blog draft?
A: I think we’ll see more low-effort bad poetry, more graphical elements stolen from old sheet music, and the occasional return of a character from the blog’s heyday. But look out for pass interference from bizarre ideas that the blog toys with extensively and then drops, and of course plenty of hasty entries filled in after the fact.
-Carl Drake, sportscaster for NBS Broadcasting

Q: Do you think any of the characters are authorial self-inserts?
A: No, I think the predominance of college-age men giving way to greying middle-aged salarymen in stories over the years is a coincidence.
-Eric Cummings, spoiled college student

Q: Which is superior, the realistic, sci-fi, or fantasy entries in the blog?
A: All genres are puny, and all the living authors vermin, destined to wither and fail before the unstoppable tides of entropy and cool animated skeletons. So, fantasy, I guess.
-Ulgathk the Ever-Living, Elder Lich of the Seven Lands

Q: Why do all the EFNB entries sometimes feel like they were all written by the same person?
A: Well, as Messr. Whitman once said, we are large. We contain multitudes. Each idea is like its own being, with its own life and death, even if it occupies the same skull as a thousand others. Perhaps we are all, ultimately, mere notions in a head so large and a mind so vast that we cannot even conceive of it.”
-Auguste Des Jardins, French filmmaker

Q:Who are you, really?
A:I am a servant of the power behind the Nothing, and an aspiring poet.

Statistics for Nerds

Most Comments: 56, From “A Muse’s Unvarnished Perspective” by Altos Wexan

Most Popular Year: 2012, 4394 visitors

Total Pageviews (including spambots): 37,028

Total Visitors (including spambots): 17,867

Most popular day: Tuesday (18% of views)

Most popular hour: 10:00 PM (14% of views)

Average Excerpt Length: ~300 (299.8)

Wordiest year: 2013, with 130,377 words written and 357 words/excerpt average

Total comments 2010-2020: 1,061

Average comments per excerpt: .29

Total likes 2010-2020: 6605

Average likes per excerpt: 2

Countries outside the USA with more than 1000 views: Italy (1,724), India (1,721), UK (1,355), Canada (1,145)

Total words written 2010-2020: 1,010,628

Still to Come!

Tune in starting tomorrow for a week of entries that are sequels to the very first pieces of nonexistent fiction every featured on this site!

This week, Excerpts from Nonexistent Books published its 3000th excerpt. Over 8 years, we’ve been able to post a story every day (with occasional light cheating to fill in holes), and now we’re proud to say that there is now an EFNB excerpt for every year of human history since the development of civilization in the Nile river valley.

The nonexistent editors, nonexistent staff, and nonexistent contributors here at EFNB would like to thank all of our readers and commenters for helping make this great literary experiment an ongoing success. Here’s to 3000 more stories that never existed!

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

It’s hard to believe it’s been seven years since I’ve been doing anything, much less keeping a daily fiction blog. I can’t say how grateful I am to all the readers, commenters, and spambots who have visited this site over the past mirrorbreak (which is what I have now decided to call seven-year periods).

It seems forever ago that I sat down and decided to gel this long-gestating idea into something real, and by now, it’s the thing that has been in my life longer than almost anything else.

So here’s a brief thank-you and shout-out to everyone who reads this–and here’s to another mirrorbreak of quality (and not so quality) content from me!

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

It’s been a momentous six years and as we close in on 2,200 posts overall, we thought we’d leave it to some of our most prolific contributors from the last few years to share their experiences of publication with EFNB.

Axton Wales
(Krane Wupinov, Half-Orc Bard, The Vallia Battlements Halfling Toss)

If it weren’t for the editors at EFNB, I wouldn’t have an outlet for turning my D&D adventures into fiction. Nobody takes roleplaying fiction, especially from players who don’t exist. There’s some kind of bias against nonexistent players playing a nonexistent adventure, just because it’s nonexistent two levels deep.

Lucy Y. Shantell
(The Mercenary Goblin, In the Name of Gob)

It’s hard for nonexistent authors to break into any genre, let alone crowded genres like fantasy. So I’m very grateful to EFNB for accepting the manuscript for my novel. I could have done without them chopping it up and publishing little bits of it out of order and therefore scuppering any chance of publication anywhere else, though.

Altos Wexan
(Ode to a Third Place, The Muse of Goo)

I’ve been with EFNB as a publisher since February 2010, and I’ve found no one more amenable to the type of fiction and essays I regularly write. They are a joy to work with and I can’t recommend them highly enough. But while we’re on the subject, guys, do you remember when you promised to stop paying me in imaginary money? Any movement on that front? Rent is due soon and I can’t sell much more of my blood.

Lila-Jenny Swanson II, editor-in-chief, Hopewell Democrat-Tribune
(L. R. Badeau on Being a Full-Time Unicorn [edited], Benchwarming in the Bleachfields)

The Hopewell Democrat-Tribune has had a content distribution agreement with EFNB since 2013, and ours has been an excellent partnership thus far. Nonexistent newspapers serving nonexistent municipalities have been hit harder than most by the economic downturn in the industry. By getting our content out there, EFNB has allowed our staff to continue pushing our progressive, inclusivist, pansexualist, and pro-formican viewpoints in a new age. Best of all, their pay for authors is exactly the same as The Huffington Post: absolutely nothing. Very competitive rates for such an upstart publication!

Klaus Ulrich Baden, Vice-President for Bloggery, GesteCo LLC GmbH
(Depression Werewolves [approved for general release], Cerebral Outsourcing [co-edited])

On behalf of GesteCo LLC GmbH, I am authorized to transmit the following statement, on the condition that it be understood heretoforewith that any objectionable opinions therein are solely my own and do not reflect an official position of GesteCo LLC GmbH. Official statement follows:

Thank you!

This concludes the official statement. Please note that any use of this statement outside of the context proscribed in the Explicit Transmittal Agreement is a breach of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act and will be vigorously prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. This statement is intended for viewers in Region 1 only and will not work on Region 2 computers or internet browsers. This content has been voluntarily blocked in China by mutual agreement of GesteCo LLC GmbH and the People’s Ministry of Truth. All rights reserved in perpetuity.

(A Writer’s Razor, Snarky English Major Haikus)

How did you get this number?

Catherine Vennari
(The Secret Plumage, The Raven’s Inheritance)

While there are many fine publication opportunities for connoisseurs of the dark, weird, strange, weirdly dark, and strangely weird, EFNB stands head and shoulders above the rest. Why? One simple reason: I suspect they are a shadow cabal of pigeon-computers networked into a gestalt whole.

Ari Penfield-Cuff
(Jane vs. the Megafrog, Ednesia)

Sometimes I just get the urge to write stuff. Not even writing, more like saying it straight onto paper. No filter. Just let te story flow out, even if it’s about dish soap or kangaroos. It’s just a thing I’ve gotta do sometimes, like breathing or composting or compositing or light murder.

Wait, I was published?

Andrew A. Sailer
(Why I Hate Reboots, The Best and Worst of Bond)

Thanks for publishing my rants. I doubt you’ve gotten much money out of them, but it counts as anger management according to the terms of my suspended sentence, so it’s all good.

Lynn Ruelle Badeau
(Happy (Belated) Unicorn Appreciation Day 2016!, L. R. Badeau on Being a Full-Time Unicorn)

Many sparkles to you on this joyous day!

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

This week, Excerpts from Nonexistent Books published its 2000th excerpt. Over 5 years, we’ve been able to post a story every day (with occasional light cheating to fill in holes), and now we’re proud to say that there is now an EFNB excerpt for every year of human history since the birth of Christ.

The nonexistent editors, nonexistent staff, and nonexistent contributors here at EFNB would like to thank all of our readers and commenters for helping make this great literary experiment an ongoing success. Here’s to 2000 more stories that never existed!

Can it be? Has it really been five years since we here at Excerpts from Nonexistent Books set out on a wing and a prayer to fill the gaping need for imaginary literature on the internet? We certainly never anticipated our five-year growth from a niche blog read by nobody to a niche blog read by a couple of people. Last year, the editors brought you some statistics on EFNB throughout the years, and we’d like to do the same for you here today.

Bottom Posts
1826. From “Scandal at the 2013 PTA Book Sale” by Em Njcole Mayers
1827. From “The Gorilla Diamond World” by G. Marc Kanev
1828. From “Through the Gate of Gales and Rust” by Tara-Astrid Danae

The least-popular posts on EFNB, with only four views by spambots apiece, are an eclectic bunch: science fiction, humor, and dour alternate-world fantasy. Why are they so unpopular, so neglected, when imaginary tales by imaginary authors that are arguably worse get better hit counts and even some non-spambot hits? The editors’ best guess is that the bizarre spelling of Ms. Njcole Mayers’ last name put off some readers, as did her use of the acronym PTA (parent-teacher association) when many are switching to the more neutral PTO (parent-teacher organization). Gravity-based posts are never popular, as evinced by the failure of the editors’ previous blog Musings on Gravitational Lensing Effects. And Ms. Danae confirms that the limited appeal of her post, the least-popular on our site, may be attributed to the fact that her post was based on a half-remembered dream within a dream.

Bottom Search Terms
01. “memory in seed crystal”
02. “callistans and humans”
03. “the room in which the boys were fed, was a large stone hall esercizi”
04. “sarcastic excerpts from literature”
05. “ixium bones in the dog rear”

While it’s become increasingly difficult to see what search terms are leading netizens to EFNB due to Google becoming increasingly paranoid and secretive about its search terms, clutching them tightly to its chest and muttering about CIA transmissions in its teeth, we have access to come data and can therefore present the least-popular search terms bringing peeps to our doorstep. We’re glad hat at least one person into New Age crystal healing was brought to us and hope to attract more of such (the success of our forthcoming Shards From Nonexistent Crystals merchandise line demands it). It’s unfortunate that the strained relationship between the shapeshifting Callistans and humanity isn’t attracting more attention, though. Our editors are also devastated that, despite a strong push for sarcasm in all that we do, our achievements in such have as yet gone unrecognized. None of us have any idea why boys would be fed in a large stone Italian exercise hall, though we are in contact with the proper authorities to find out. And yes, we do realize that a query about the bones in a dog’s butt is a perfect candidate for our bottom position…so much so that an investigation is currently pending.

EFNB’s Least Popular International Locations

Flag of São Tomé and Príncipe

São Tomé

Flag of Armenia


Flag of Mali


Flag of St. Vincent and the Grenadines

St. Vincent

Flag of Tunisia


While EFNB attracts hits from all over the world, these countries are the least interested in what the site has to offer, with only a single hit apiece in our five years in existence. São Tomé and Príncipe and St. Vincent and the Grenadines continue EFNB’s unfortunate tradition of being deeply unappealing to small island nations with unwieldy names, and the editors would like to take their opportunity to renew their commitment to such (as well as other underserved locations like Antigua and Barbuda, the Federated States of Micronesia, and St. Kitts and Nevis). Tunisia and Mali are both excused from participation in EFNB as their recent histories are filled with turmoil, with Tunisia as the maternity ward of the Arab Spring and Mali in the throes of a devastating three-sided civil war. As for Armenia, allow the editors of EFNB to be the first to reach out with the olive branch of peace and a hearty բարի օր.

A Heartfelt Thank-You
We have a lot of fun here at EFNB, but the editors would be remiss if they didn’t thank every viewer from every country, even the spambots who are our most reliable clickers, for supporting the site over 5 years, 1,828 posts, and 0.545404814 comments per post. You are the reason we started, the reason we continue, and the reason we reject the advice of physicians, lawyers, and psychologists to cease and desist at once.

Here’s to another 5 years and 3656 posts!

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

It’s hard to believe, but once again an entire year has passed and EFNB is now celebrating its fourth blogiversary! That’s right, nearly 1500 daily doses of nonexistent literature have been spooned out over the lifetime of this blog. We’ve grown quite a bit, from being arguably the world’s best nonexistent book blog that nobody read to a juggernaut that reaches dozens, if not baker’s dozens, of readers worldwide.

To celebrate, the editors at EFNB have gone behind the scenes to gather some fun and thought-provoking statistics about the site to share with our loyal readers.

Top Posts
1. From “A Muse’s Unvarnished Perspective” by Altos Wexan
2. From “The Irksome Conspiracy” by Sipriano McCroskey
3. From “Why I Hate MMORPGs” by Andrew A. Sailer

Unsurprisingly, the top two posts on EFNB are the ones that attained WordPress’s coveted “Freshly Pressed” status, reaching an audience far above and beyond the usual one of subscribers and spammers. It’s also nice to see that imaginary author Andrew Sailer’s rant against MMORPGs, that cancer of the modern American video game landscape, has struck a chord with our readers as well. His later rant, “Why I Hate Reboots,” is only a little further down the list at #7, proving that rants against pervasive features of modern culture will always have a place here at EFNB.

Top Search Terms
01. southern michigan university
02. i hate mmorpgs
03. rebecca digiacinto
04. jean phillippe demon
05. i hate reboots

The top search term leading readers to EFNB is “Southern Michigan University,” that nonexistent bastion of higher learning. With a Northern Michigan University, a Western Michigan University, and an Eastern Michigan University actually in existence, it’s no wonder that EFNB writings on the nonexistent SMU are so highly ranked. Andrew Sailer’s anti-MMORPG and anti-reboot rants trended strongly as well, though the editors here at EFNB are mystified about why anyone would search for nonexistent author Rebecca Q. DiGiacinto or a demon named Jean Phillippe.

EFNB Internationally
01. United States
02. Canada
03. United Kingdom
04. India
05. Qatar

Visitors to EFNB come from all over the globe, and even though 99% of them are spambots, we wanted to feature them here. The first three are unsurprising, as EFNB and its editors are based in the USA and occasionally touch on subjects like curling and cricket that are of import to Canuck and UK readers. The latter two are the meat of our international audience, which is to say that they are likely spam farms.

A Shout-Out to Our Spammers
Since its inception, EFNB has had 56,972 spam comments blocked or manually trashed, an assault of internet garbage that works out to 37 spam comments per day over the blog’s existence! This staggering waste of resources and bandwidth hasn’t sold a single product, but it has increased EFNB’s internet profile and pagerank substantially! Thank you, spammers, for your continued waste of everyone’s time in a futile attempt to earn a few bucks.

In this, part two of our third blogiversary celebration, the editors at EFNB would like to recognize out long-term contributors who have continued to submit over the past year. While many of the “old guard” have had less productive years in terms of submissions, we have considerable pull with these imaginary authors, and requests for additional submissions by any of them will be honored. Whether the author in question likes it or not!

Mark Amiton
Bar to Ashes, The Most Permeable of the Permeable

Mark has continued to work on his magnum opus, a tale of a place where certain people can reshape reality with the power of their minds. “It’s kind of like Dubai, only with mental power instead of rapacious oil wealth as the driving force,” he says.

Eric Cummings Jr.
Dumpee, Dumper, and Dumpest, The Worrying of ECJ, The Paper Reel, The Bottom of the Night IM, A Conversation, To Delerue Hall, Pursuit by the Numbers

Beginning work in earnest on his autobiographical “college graduate student slacker novel” this year, Eric submitted most of his excerpts from “in the zone.” He confirms that as of this writing he is “out of the zone” but hoped to have a draft of his text finished by July.

Sonya G. Goldman-Haines
Slaying the Mondragon

After a long silence, Ms. Goldman-Haines has rejoined our ranks with a second tale from her forthcoming collection about a psychic gunsmith who ascertains the various and sundry stories behind the rare firearms that cross her desk.

Kenny Idlewild
Only Further Truth

Philosophy professor Dr. Kenneth Idlewild is not a prolific writer, but his second submission after a long drought is taken from his well-reviewed text The Philosophie of Being.

Sandra Cooke Jameson
The Birdsong Code, The Stephens Island Wren, The Counsel of Vultures

Expanding her repertoire of avian stories outside of her beloved sparrows, Ms. Jameson favored us with excerpts from her forthcoming book of short stories and novellas, Stories Borne on a Fair Wing. She has also added 27 birds to her life list in the past 18 months,

Bernard S. Roberts
Of the Vyaeh Conscripted Races, Of Vyaeh Counterfeits

“Most of what I’ve shared with you guys is from my private world building notes,” writes Roberts, “rather than any finished work. I’m still getting the foundations set for a lot of thing, and making sure to expunge all traces of their former life as video game design notes.”

Nokin Kobayashi and Irene York
The Mountain Shrine

Mr. Kobayashi and his paramour Ms. York have spent much of the past year on an extensive lecture tour, which has notable decreased his literary output and her translation efforts. Kobayashi’s self titled, self-translated “777 Magical Raccoon Cats” tour may soon be coming to a city near you.

C. Alton Parker
Gambler’s Prosperity, Eschatology of the Ide, The Prosperity Ambush, The Prosperity Spoonerism, The Prosperity Alarm Clock, The Prosperity Ride, The Prosperity Pueblo<

Ms. Parker has expressed to our editors that 2013 will be “the year” for her long-in-gestation epic Western. Her previous declarations that 2010, 2011, and 2012 were “the year” have been set aside for the time being.

Jordan Iverson Peers
The Halfling Tuesday, The Gorgon Evryali

Jordan Peers returns to the critically acclaimed “Weird Manhattan” universe that won a Pluto Award (now known as the Eris Award). These recent excerpts are from a short story detailing the life and misadventures of a wannabe hardboiled detective who also happens to be a hobbit.

Phil “Stonewall” Pixa
The Review Page

Phil Pixa has been writing for The Hopewell Review, a literary journal out of Southern Michigan University Press, of late. In addition to serving as under-editor, he has written reviews, criticism, and recycled a few of his more highbrow stories in its pages. The Hopewell Review is currently the most widely-read literary journal in Michigan, with well over 25 subscribers.

T. W. Reyauld
Taarin’s Tale

Still plugging away at his massive fantasy opus, Mr. Reyauld has also been serving as a consultant, uncredited polish writer, and fifteenth unit director for the acclaimed HMC series Rage of Tenmosh. Due to its unprecedented success, he has been making more getting coffee for the actors than in his acclaimed career as a fantasy writer.

P. Elizabeth Smalley
The Squirrel Lama

“Avatar of Aquerna” has long been one of EFNB’s most popular posts, so after much cajoling and pleading, Ms. Smalley deigned to provide another piece of writing relating to squirrels, though she declines to indicate whether it is connected or in continuity with her previous submission.

Jeanne Welch
Locke’s Revenent

“It’s been slow going on my story about love, social media, and modern life,” says Welch. “But I feel like I’ve turned a corner.” By the editors’ count, this marks the 37th corner Ms. Welch has turned. She is averaging approximately 12.3 corners turned per submission at this point.

Altos Wexan
Beneath Metromart #832, Mutt of Ice and Fire, Petting the Beyond, Across an Age, A Muse’s Unvarnished Perspective, A Poem for my Grandmother, Why I Don’t Celebrate Mardi Gras

As always, Mr. Wexan continues to dominate in terms of sheer number of submissions. His esoteric output has run toward the maudlin of late, largely a reflection of circumstances in his personal life. I think you’ll all be willing to join the editors of EFNB in wishing Mr. Wexan a very lucky 2013.

Well, it’s hard to believe, but today marks the third anniversary of Excerpts From Nonexistent Books, your blog source for quality selections from authors and texts that are resolutely imaginary. 1096 posts, 365 per year plus one leap day, which puts EFNB ironically in sync with the IRS this 2013 tax season. this has been the site’s best year yet; more comments, more watchers, and more hits than the last two years combined! We even made it to Freshly Pressed this December!

As before, this post will serve to highlight those imaginary authors who either began submitting to EFNB in 2012-13 or submitted the majority of their work during that period. Let’s wish these new authors the best of luck! Please do comment if you would like to see more from any of them; they all take requests or can be…convinced…to do so!

Natalie J. H. Able
Character Sheet for a Fictional Rogue, Character Sheet for a Fictional Rogues’ Gallery

Natalie works for Warlocks of the Interior, the publisher of the famous Ruins & Rogues roleplaying game. She started out as a pimply teenager submitting creatures and dungeon modules to Mageozine, the official Ruins and Rogues rag, but the quality of her submissions has earned her a place in the most recent editions of the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium. She hopes to collect her pre-made characters into an upcoming publication, 1001 Characters for Every Occasion.

Carla Minch Betts
The Lost and Found Detective, The Lost and Found Parlor

C. M. Betts declined to fill out our questionnaire, insisting that the only information we needed was in the public domain. As such, we can only report that Betts lives at [redacted] and earned $212,287 last year working as a short order fry cook.

William “Black Bill” Cubbins IV
A Pirate is Not a Halloween Costume, A Pro-Pirate Counterpoint

A noted Buccaneer-American activist, Black Bill Cubbins has devoted his life to advancing the cause and cultural perceptions of his people. Most readers will be familiar with his “Reclaim Pirates” campaign, which seeks to appropriate the once-insulting word “pirate” as a term of pride, albeit one only to be used by pirates to refer to themselves.

Bridget-Alicia Elba
Lady of the Boon, A Guide to Sapient Creatures Vol. 1, The Jack-of-Cards, A Guide to Sapient Creatures Vol. 2

Another prominent contributor coming to us from the role-playing world of Ruins & Rogues, Bridget-Alicia wrote and maintains the “Mistworlds: Modernity” campaign setting, which posits fantasy races in a modern setting. She wished us to express how diligent she has tried to be in the creation of these races, trying to avoid the usual stereotypes of basing fantasy races off of existing human cultures.

Madelyn Aisha Goeke
Crisis at SciCon 2012, All Tapped Out

Madelyn Goeke writes a series of short stories and novels revolving around a core group of hardcore nerds who solve extremely nerdy crimes. The Nerdcore Sleuths, as they’re called, have recently been picked up for international distribution by Kyoto Processed Ricepaper Concern Press.

Petra Natalia Langley
Odessa Mullen Slips Into the Zombieworld, Odessa Mullen Slips Back Into the Zombieworld, Odessa Mullen’s Zombieworld Revealed

A self-described “zombaddict” university student from the Midwest, Ms. Langley admits that her character of Dessie Mullen is essentially herself “turned up to 11.”

Odis Perun
Καλλίστη, Brewster’s Dictionary of Psychic Phenomena, 17th edition

A paranormal researcher and erstwhile medium, Dr. Perun teaches at a non-accredited degree mill in northern California. In his spare time, he writes fiction that reflects his interest in paranormal phenomenons and mass panic. He assures us that there is nothing sinister behind these interests, and certainly no prototype panic projectors in his woodshed that anyone should be concerned about.

“Lady” Kaila Pisciotti
The Other Book of Changes, Fastest and Highest, The Forever Swim, Up the Ladder

All of Ms. Pisciotti’s submissions have been postmarked from places that do not exist with stamps that have never been issued. Nonexistent, that is, even by the standards of EFNB, which maintains a robust imaginary correspondence network with subscribers and authors. As none of our mail can be delivered, and her provided email address is for a top-level domain that was proposed but never implemented, we cannot with certainty provide anything other than Ms. Pisciotti’s self-description as “a minor noble from the northernmost part of the Inland Empire where it touches the Beral Lands.” Opinion is divided as to whether this is an elaborate prank or mail arriving from an alternate dimension.

Victorina Rudolf
The Girl and the Teddy-Bear, Astride the Great Fish

Ms. Rudolf’s selections are from what she calls “an achingly nostalgic and painful exploration of childhood’s end through the lens of fantasy.” The editors did not think that talking teddy bears and flying fish were indicative of concrete reality, but it was nice to see this confirmed.

Andrew A. Sailer
Why I Hate MMORPGs, Why I Hate Reboots

A self-described “larval curmudgeon,” Mr. Sailer is a journalist who channels his inability to express his own opinions on issues into a series of rabid online essays about things that irritate him. He generally shies away from hot-button political or religious topic, preferring to save his bile for “the little annoyances that help make everyday life a festering cauldron of inconvenience.”

Hazel Pace Santiago
Tripping on the Green, A Caryatid Fashionista, Minimum Wage Fig Tree Dryad, Pendant of Generations, In A Weird Place

Ms. Santiago submitted her first writing to us shortly before the site’s two-year anniversary and has since gifted us extensively with excerpts from her forthcoming young adult urban fantasy novel. “I hate that I have to call it that,” she told us, “because those terms have been so thoroughly debased by overmarketing, bad Harry Potter wannabes, and worse fan-fiction with serial numbers filed off.”

Arkady Tuvalev
Marshal Nedelin, Cradle of the Elbrus IV

An ethnic Russian nuclear engineer, Tuvalev lives and works in Kaliningrad on the Baltic Sea. Further details, he says with a smile, are “classified.”

Tune in tomorrow for a retrospective on our established contributors who have written for us during 2012-2013!

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