Two uniformed security guards, their drab uniforms bearing the logos of Earth Dryer Corporation, thrust Chaucey into a darkened room. He stood in a pool of light, the guards’ iron grips cutting off the circulation to his arms, while shadowy figures confronted him from the inky blackness.

“You were captured sneaking around an Earth Dryer Corporation automatic hand dryer manufacturing plant,” said a voice. Its intonation and pitch were strange and unplacable.

“I was just taking the factory tour!” said Chaucey, pleading ignorance.

“Lies!” cried a second, equally strange voice. “The tour groups are instructed to follow the tour guide at all times! You did not, and therefore you are a spy or an interloper!”

They had seen through the ruse quickly; Chaucey decided to hit them with the truth. “I’m with the local chapter of Humans for Ethical Animal Treatment. We’re investigating the fact that your plants are spewing out ten times the amount of greenhouse gasses that they should be!”

Expecting a lie or a half-truth or a flat denial, Chaucey was surprised when the voices–and many others like them–cackled in unison. “Yes, of course. Brilliant, isn’t it? People have no idea that our hand dryers have a larger carbon footprint than the largest of sport utility vehicles. All we needed to do was say they were environmentally friendly and no one bothered to check!”

“And the factories are little more than a shell to cover a dirty two-stroke engine of incredible size, to say nothing of the way both suck mosture from the air!”

“But…why?” said Chaucey, confused.

“Because we want to turn the world into a giant desert, of course! And Earth Dryers are, literally, our way to dry out the earth!”

“Again: but why?” Chaucey said.

“Perhaps this will answer your question.” The lights went on, and the dim shapes resolved themselves: kangaroo rats, desert beetles, addax antelope, and others crowded around a circular table. All of them xerocoles, desert animals, all of them capable of making metabolic water from their diets and never drinking a single drop in their life.

“Oh no,” said Chaucey.

“Oh yes,” said one of the kangaroo rats. “Once Earth Dryers dries out the earth, we will inherit it!”

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