Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

The Conclave was a special meeting of the Great Council called every ten years. It was attended by the delegates, or the sons of the old delegates, and it was there that birds were added or expelled.

Only the largest and hardiest birds were represented, and only those native to the area. Thus, the great ostriches and emus were not represented, though the Council did seek their advice on occasion. At this meeting, the Council consisted of an owl, a crow, a hawk, a vulture, a gull, a heron, and a goose. Smaller birds were assigned a Council member; the sparrows were represented by the crow and the ducks by the goose, for example.

At this Conclave, a motion was introduced through the crow to expel the hawk from the council. The reasoning was that, since the hawk tended to eat its fellow birds, it exercised undue influence and could not be controlled.

The hawk natrually protested that this was a transparent attempt by its prey to avoid predation and undermine the natural order. The owl agreed, noting that it too often took other birds as meals, though not with the frequency of hawks. Fearing that its omnivorous habits would be impinged, the gull joined them.

However, the crow was in favor despite its own wide-ranging diet, and the goose and heron concurred. As they ate mostly non-birds, they saw nothing wrong with the hawk’s demotion and argued that it could be ably represented by the owl.

This left only the vulture, who had long held a reputation as a crafty negotiator. Weighing the alternatives, he declared that he did not care one way or the other, since birds who died of natural causes were his only avian prey. He therefore, instead, declared that he would vote for whoever offered him the finest gift.

The others insisted that this was quite unprecedented, but the vulture would not relent. It was his nature to seek profit where he could, he argued, and this was no exception.

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At 21:37 local time, on June 3, 2016, a radio array in Argentina suddenly received an unscheduled high-frequency burst transmission. The array was primarily used for researchers communicating with geosynchronous satellites to run experiments, so it was equipped to handle the sudden flood of information, if only barely. It took two blown fuses, a backup generator, and the local intranet server #2 with it when it arrived, 11.2 terrabytes of data.

The data was raw, and in a format that none of the staff there was prepared to decode. Thinking that it might have been an accidental data dump from a military satellite, they contacted NATO and surrendered the information in return for assistance in rebuilding their facility.

Of interest are the two following events, presented without commentary:

First: the Argentine facility never ran again. No matter how many parts were replaced, no matter how many times repairs were made, any channel through which the data had passed never worked again. Even a 100% re-install with factory sealed parts made no difference. It eventually had to be abandoned, and none of the installed parts would ever work when reinstalled elsewhere. Even the drives that had housed the data failed as soon as the transfer had been made.

Second: After eighteen months of work, NATO was able to decode the transmission. They had devoted considerable resources to it under the assumption that it was a Chinese high military code, but in that they were disappointed. The transmission was not traceable back to any orbiting satellite, nor did its trajectory indicate any nearby origin. Translated, the message read:

“You see, they say that every single star in the sky is a wish somebody made…human beings are so pitiful. They fill the simple reality of their world with poetry and false promises. They think WE are the ones taking their sanity away, but the truth is that we’re only completing the job that they started when they first began to dream.”

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10/22: First signs of activity. Laboratory power grid flickers at 10:27:38 GMT.

10/23: Janitor notices that Mechanical Room 127A has been sealed from the inside.

10/24: After janitor and security are unable to access the room, a call is placed to the DoD.

10/25: DoD operatives arrive and attempt to open door with breaching rounds and explosives. Both attempts fail with casualties.

10/26: Analysis of the door indicates that the steel has been replaced by a metallic crystal lattice structure of unknown composition. The process appears to be akin to fossilization and did not alter the color or texture of the door.

10/27: Subsequent analysis indicates that the entirety of Mechanical Room 127A has been replaced by the unknown metallic crystal lattice. All surrounding walls and floors have been “fossilized” in this way to a distance of .0777 meters–exactly the width of the door. The facility is evecuated and further tests are conducted remotely.

10/28: At 10:27:38 GMT, a second power surge occurs. Subsequent testing reveals that the affected area has grown in all directions by .0777 meters.

11/03: A third expansion of .0777 meters occurs, again at exactly 10:27:38 GMT. This is the final such event observed to date.

11/29-12/19: After the expansion of the “fossilized” area is completed, the facility is condemned. All non-“fossilized” material is removed, and the remaining area–Mechanical Room 127A and .1554 meters of surrounding building–is sealed in airtight foam for transport.

12/20: Mechanical Room 127A is removed for study. The laboratory is compensated and construction of a new building elsewhere is authorized.

Notes: The contents of Mechanical Room 127A are currently unknown, as all attempts to cut into it have failed. The only option that has not been explored is a thermonuclear detonation, which has been rejected on practical grounds.

Nothing in the building or janitorial records indicate anything amiss int the area, which had undergone a routine inspection six months earlier. Previously used to house mechanical pumps and parts of the building’s air conditioning units, it had been rendered redundant by renovations and the pipes cut and sealed. Reports indicate that it had been used for temporary storage and as an occasional smoking room for janitors.

A personnel search after the incident revealed that a single building occupant was unaccounted for. The DoD has redacted all personal information about this individual pending a thorough investigation. Though it is likely they were trapped in or responsible for the incident, the individual’s security clearence and education seem incompatible with the latter theory.

No audible communication or response to taps has ever been recorded from within Mechanical Room 127A, nor have any further incidents occurred.

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“I’m a lich, technically,” said Gerald. “An undead abomination sustained by sheer force of will along with necromantic spells from beyond the ken of sanity.”

“Yes, and I’m a wight,” said Geraldine. “Not technically undead but not fully alive, capable of draining life energy at a touch and using it to sustain my horrific existence.”

“They say opposites attract,” laughed Gerald.

“Yes, the horrors of my existence beyond the veil exactly cancel out those of Gerald’s,” Geraldine added. “Why, Madison and Powell look almost human aside from the paleness and fangs.”

“There was some trouble with the families at first,” said Gerald. “But we’re raising the children as vampires. It’s a good compromise for everyone involved.”

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Jinx: Short-term. Wears off with time and is most potent at the moment of its invocation. Will work with curses but not hexes. Can be transferred, but only with difficulty. Only affects individuals.

Example: June inadvertently jinxes John by telling him she hopes nothing goes wrong with his flight. The chances of something going wrong with the flight increase by 50% for the next 24 hours.

Hex: Long-term. Builds strength over time before ebbing away and is most potent after about six months. Cannot be transferred. May affect individuals.

Example: A witch puts a hex on John after he loses her monthly witchfee in a casino. For the next 6-8 months, John’s chances of winning decrease by 75%.

Curse: Potentially infinite. Curses take effect withi a period of a few months and are self-sustaining thereafter, lasting until broken. Curses can be transferred and inherited if the original subject dies. Affects individuals, sites, and organizations.

Example: A mummy curses the explorer who opens its tomb. That explorer suffers a 80% reduced immune system capability; if they die, the curse will pass to another member of their expedition. Only the death of the entire expedition or the resealing of the tomb can end it.

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The bodies of the villagers were hardly recognizable, as all identifying features had been melted off. Their huts were similarly dissolved, and the place still stank of volatile low-pH chemicals.

“What happened here?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Their shaman did a rain dance wrong and summoned up a batch of acid rain.”

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“And there on your right, you can see a pack of Star Fishes trying to outrun their natural predator, the Bark Hole.”

“On your left, we’re passing the Crab Nebula and its companion the Lobster Dark Matter Cloud.”

“That’s the Horsehead Nebula. It was moved to its current bed of stars by the Godfather Nebula.”

“Caturn is right ahead of us, surrounded by rings of kitty litter.”

“Please wait until we get a little further before taking any pictures, that red planet Mars any photos from here.”

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The crazy man stood in a corner of the decrepit room. His ears lay on the blood stained floor. He rocked back and forth, unable to stop.

“The bells… can’t you hear them? No.. of course not.. you still haven’t met HIM. But believe me… once you do… once you start hearing that ringing… that never. Ending. Ringing… you’ll wish you were deaf…”

“Of course,” said Officer Brinson. She kept the man covered with her service Glock while Singer called in the details from the suad car. “There aren’t any church bells in town,” she added. “Congregational sold theirs for scrap when it folded and everyone drives to Cascadia for church now.”

“No…no,” croaked the murderer. “Not church bells. Unholy…not holy. You can only hear them in the presence of one who has heard them…and they. Will. Not. Stop. Not until…you do as they ask.”

“What do they want, huh?” said Brinson, hoping that conversation might keep the man from struggling against his cuffs. Druggies could sometimes snap the plastic, and one guy had palmed a cigarette lighter and melted through them.

“Blood,” the man said. “What…else…but…blood?”

Officer Brinson was about to say something, but stopped. Pausing, she cocked an ear. “What’s that?” she said.

It sounded like bells, dim but brassy, far off and insistent.

“It’s begun.”

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Kris was yelling. “You don’t understand. I saw a buck in my apartment complex. IN MY APARTMENT COMPLEX.”

“Dude. Chill.” Brayden’s voice was flippant, contemptuous. “Deer get in those places all the time.”

“Not like this. It was watching me. It was following me. It’s that deer I hit, I just know it. That little mark on her head that looked like a crown…”

“You’re freaking me out,” said Brayden. “Stop it.”

“What’s that?” cried Kris. “WHAT’S THAT?”

It was the unmistakable echo of cloven hooves at the door.

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“Mom, what are you doing?”

“Well, honey, it’s almost Memorial Day, remember? I always make your brother patriotic M&M cookies for the long weekend.”

“It looks like you’re just picking all the brown and orange ones. Also, Jim is working in the Seychelles, Mom. In Africa.”

“Well, I ususally make them with just the US flag colors. But this year, I’m going to make them with the Seychelles flag colors and vacuums seal them for UPS!”

“Isn’t there also white in that flag?”

“Yeah, still trying to figure that one out. Maybe I’ll dip a few in white chocolate.”

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