Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

PERSONAL INFORMATION
Full Name: Xasa Barcolian
Gender: Female
Galactic Security No: XXX-XX-1977
Date of Birth: 17/32/28 ABY
Place of Birth: Socorro
Race: Corellian
Ethnicity: Bharhulai
Settlement of Birth: Cjaalysce’I
Religion: Church of the Force (Reformed)
H-mail Address: xasabear@laptinek.hol.soc
Permission to Contact Using Spacebook? No
HoloNet No: 46703839741437
Mailing Address: 1981 Solview Terrace, Vakeyya, SO
Father’s Name: Dolo Barcolian
Mother’s Name: Cinda Barcolian

ACTIVITIES
Fighting Gundarks Women’s Smashball
Fighting Gundarks Women’s Swoop Team
Fighting Gundarks Women’s Banthaquestrian
Fighting Gundarks Cheertrooper Legion
Church of the Force YoungLife
Droid Club

APTITUDE SCORES

Jon Yosarian Jr. High School
Core GPA:: 2.44/4.0
Overall GPA: 2.81/4.0

Galactic Aptitude Test (GAT)
Galactic Standard Speech: 16/36
Galactic Standard Reading: 17/36
Science: 27/36
Mathematics: 26/36
Force: 37/36

Standard Galactic Test (SGT)
Verbal Reasoning: 580/1127
Mathematical Reasoning: 1058/1127
Force Reasoning: 1130/1127

ESSAY
Part of going to college is expanding who you are and findinf your dream. I know that i need to expad my horisons and chase after my dreams. My dreams are to be a profesional Cheertrooper and also a pro swoop racer. Im not so silly that i dont have a plan after that, i want to be a drod designer for Cybot Galactica. My droid will be the firsst to win the Galatic Art Cup. In closing, whil i dont know what i want to major in yet, it has been a journey of making my dreams and myself as a persin. My gradez do not reflect who i am as a person, i am more than a set of numbers. Thank u for your time, may the frce b with u, and GO BANTHAS!!!!

REVIEWER COMMENTS
–Very poor core GPA
-Pukey essay
-AGT/SGT scores show strong ‪‎Dark Side‬ leanings
-Recommend admissions deferral at this time

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She was my very first
My poor darling girl
She wore red so you
Couldn’t see the rust
Devouring her edges
Or the brake fluid
Streaming from her
Opened veins

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“We’ve passed this same rock seven times, maybe eight.” Winnie racked the action on her rifle, ejecting a brass that she nimbly caught and reinserted. “I can handle what I can shoot, but this place…”

“They said the woods were…tricksy, that they went back on their word,” said Caprice. “They needed to be sure whoever came here wasn’t just strong or lucky.”

Walking along another path, fifteen minutes more saw them deposited back at the clearing with the large carved boulder. Winnie took a shot at it in anger, chipping a few bits off. “How can woods have a word to give, anyway?” she cried. “They don’t have mouths!”

“That’s a good point,” Carpice said. A moment of contemplation followed. “What do you suppose will happen if, whenever we come to this rock, we go back the way we came?”

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One day, Edna Lloyd woke up and found that she didn’t exist.

It was a little strange for her, as she was quite used to existing. In fact, she had existed a whole lot; as one of the few Ednas who were younger than 60, her name alone got her a good deal of recognition. Her job as a barista with an art history degree, though not uncommon, also gave her a good deal of existence. People tended to recognize her on the street after buying only a single cup of coffee from her years ago.

And yet, when she woke up, no one remembered her.

“Hi, Ms. Callahan!” Edna said to her next-door neighbor that morning, a divorced mother of two who was always smiley despite screamy babes in arms.

“Do I know you?” Callahan said. “What are you doing in that apartment? Nobody lives there.”

Edna nervously laughed it off. Ms. Callahan did have a warped sense of humor from a steady diet of Boomerang and Cartoon Network after all.

At the back door to Stubb’s Coffee, though, Edna began to get a little worried. Harry, the manager and barista-in-chief, wouldn’t let her in. “I’m sorry, this entrance is for employees only,” he said firmly..

“But I am an employee! I’ve worked here for five years!” Edna cried. “Look, I’m wearing the uniform and name tag! I work the eight to three with Sharise!”

Harry did not budge. “Sharise works the eight to eleven alone,” he said. “I really need to hire someone for it, but not someone who obviously works for another Stubb’s.”

“But…but…”

“I’m sorry,” Harry said. “Much as I need the help, this is kind of creeping me out. You need to go.”

Edna wound up sitting on the curb in her Stubb’s uniform, vainly crying out to people she recognized. She had a good memory for faces, one that had served her well for barista tips and art history statuary exams alike.

Only one person responded. Dressed in a chic suit, he nevertheless had every visible part of his body covered in menacing-looking gangland tattoos. “You having a problem, miss?” he said. “Everybody forgetting that you exist today?”

Though his appearance was menacing, his voice was soft-spoken and kind. And, on closer inspection, Edna could see that the tattoos were done in a gangland style they read “Enlightenment,” “Information,” “Culture,” instead of “Neva Die,” “Thug Lyfe” or “Blips 4 Eva.”

“Yeah,” said Edna.

“It happens,” he said. “It’s not common, the memory prion, but it’s voracious. You’ll be seeing a lot of selective amnesia before the day’s out.”

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Light and Darkness met, as was their wont, at dawn.

Light was effusive, ebullient, cheerful. It brought out the beauty in things, warmed others with its presence. But it was also guileless, intrusive, penetrating. It could not understand those that were not like it, and its radiance knew not tact nor diplomacy.

Darkness was grim, restrained, dour. It masked imperfections, brought all to equality, knew subtlety and grace. But it was also cold, aloof, decietful. It could not understand those that were outgoing, and its cloak of shadows hid both the shy and the evil.

They were lovers as much as they were opposites. Their first child, Sunrise, took after her mother. She warmed and nourished even as she was gentle and tactful with the shadows she rolled back. Their second child, Sunset, took after his father. He cloaked the weak and fearful even as he allowed those with sunnier dispositions time to wind themselves down into sleep.

Theirs was an affair of opposites who could never quite get along. Light and Darkness would always quarrel when they met, but in the presence of their precious children they could, briefly, find in themselves the love and mutual respect that they had always carried.

In time, they bore a third child, Eclipse. It was Eclipse who inherited the transience of shadow from Darkness but the bursting speed from Light. It was Eclipse that had Darkness’s retiring nature but Light’s showmanship. It was Eclipse alone that could bring the parents together at midday or midnight. It was Eclipse alone that renewed their quarrels and exacerbated them.

It was Eclipse alone that could bring about the end of their world.

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January 1, 2016, outside Hopewell, MI

In order to allow our valued employees to spend time with their hangovers, Metromart #887 will be closed New Year’s Day.

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