Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

The funny thing
About that word
Is that it comes
Back every time
In a fresh new
Suit of phonemes
The same as ever
But invisible
Simply because
In the moment
We can never see
It for what it is
Because we don’t
Have antibodies
For the new word

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“I am appearing before you, ‘Womp Rat,’ because you have strayed into the ways of chaos and away from law,” the ghostly blue silhouette said.

“Is this because I cooked those githyanki and served them as stew?”

“We can start with that, yes.”

“GHOST!”

Thrombonius launched himself at the shade. Being insubstantial, she was no impediment to his movement, and he slid through her form, chilled to the bone before faceplanting behind her.

“I’m sorry for my companion,” said Bryn. “He’s kinda…dumb…where ghosts are concerned.

“If her memories hadn’t been scooped out like a hollowed mellon,” said Ybba, referring to the dark elf the others had dubbed ‘Suzie,’ I would kill her and eat her to avenge my dad.”

“You have been living alone with him for a long time, haven’t you?”

The woman looked like Myles in every way except that she was clad in black and was also surrounded by dead dark elves who had been crispified by her fire spells.

“She is like an evil Myles,” said Bryn. “What should we call her? Maybe Kilometers, or Kilo for short?”

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SKOLDR Lamp
-Missing light bulb. Vengeful spirit has taken up residence instead.

BAKBRAYK Futon
-Mattress offers full back support, possibly through sorcery.

BÜk Modular Shelf
-Can hold 1/8″ more than the shelves should allow.

KORNAL High-Backed Wicker Chair
-Causes Civil War flashbacks after 1-2 hours of continuous sitting.

RÅK Storage Solution
-Cannot be assembled by more than one person; any existing friendship or relationship will be dissolved.

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The cat lorded over the mice, for he knew that his power greatly exceeded theirs. If he could catch them, he could kill them, and this made him fear no mouse, even though they outnumbered him ten thousand to one in his domain.

The cat also fancied himself more intelligent than the mice, and made no secret of his hunting, gorging himself on as many mice as he could catch. The mice found this situation intolerable, so they decided to band together against the cat.

A cat may easily kill one mice, ten mice, even a hundred mice. But a thousand? Ten thousand mice swarmed the cat that day, and though he fought his hardest he was overwhelmed and consumed.

This was an abject lesson to the other cats. Mind that your lessers do not see you as their mortal enemy, mind that they do not descend upon you as one, and if you must hunt, hunt quietly.

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I wondered why I was always cold, and then I learned that the world I came from was two and a half degrees warmer.

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I was very ill when I was little. My parents told me that too much stress, too much exposure to germs, or even a small cut could kill me.

They said I’d understand when I was older.

I could never go out to play, and the other kids couldn’t come in to see me and bring their nasty germs. So I just kept to myself in my room, alone. I wrote letters to the ther children, but my parents would only read me te replies, not even letting me touch the paper.

Aside from my toys, I used to love looking outside my window. The glass was thick, reinforced, hermetically sealed, but I still loved it. I loved that clean, bright, still image that was a serene daytime landscape which stood almost endlessly in front of me, separated only by the glass.

The week before, I noticed that the power had begun to flicker a bit. Nothing too alarming, just blips here and there. My parents remotely closed the shutters, keeping me from seeing outside, while they dealt with what they said were generator problems.

But day by day, things started going wrong. The blackouts and brownouts were longer and more frequent. The only contact I had ith Mom and Dad were the meals they left for me when I was asleep.

Eventually, I decided to open the shades myself. They were electric, but using one of my toys, I was able to lever them open. I climbed up on my chair to look out the window.

The image MOVED.

Why did the landscape outside of my window look like was moving like a curtain? The leaves still swayed gently, birds still flew overhead, but they were like television pictures projected on a screen. And behind it…darkness and blinking lights.

That’s wen the alarm sounded. “Subject Delta Containment Breach! Engage emergency protocols. Strike team inbound. Lethal force authorized.”

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“The body that was found, the body that began my investigation…it was always assumed to be that of Sary Saloth, a young and rising courtier in your service. My Empress herself confirmed this upon viewing the body. And yet, how could my Empress have recognized a body in such poor shape? Those who knew Sary Saloth have called her quiet, observant, and someone who avoided drawing attention to herself. Would my Empress have known her well enough to identify her through some small quirk, some secret mark?”

Inspector Xan continued. “No, if there were any courtier my Empress knew well enough to identify from a mangled corpse, it was Kiang. And yet my Empress let Kiang–her lover–go along with her entire personal staff. Poor lovesick Kiang has accepted a position as a choregirl just to remain close by an Empress who no longer wishes to be near her. Granted, the need to choose a consort and produce heirs meant that Kiang’s hope was always a vain one. But empresses throughout history, down to The Beloved Empress, have kept their forbidden favorites close even as they did otherwise in public. Old Ieng, for one.”

“This leads us to one, inescapable conclusion. The body as not that of Sary Saloth, and yet my Empress has a very intense interest in showing that it is so. Why?”

The Empress smirked. “You tell me, Inspector,” she said. “After all, you have convinced yourself that these fantasies are the truth.”

“Yes, the truth,” agreed Xan. “The truth can only be that the body was not that of Sary Saloth…but, rather, it was that of Empress Shien Khou Vu.”

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The Empress was serene, calm behind the dazzling white court makeup. “My personal staff had been wearying to me for some time,” she said. “Rather than answering the hundreds of smaller slights that had accumulated, I opted to sweep them clean. They were well-compensated for their service.”

“I see, my Empress,” said Inspector Xan. “What about the bonus?”

“Bonus?” Shien Khou Vu said, airily.

“I have heard it from several people employed in jobs that were not turned over–seamstresses, washerwomen, a gardener–that your personal staff had recieved a large bonus several months ago. If you were dissatisfied, as you say you were, why did my Empress see fit to reward them?”

The Empress glowered. “I had hoped that it would prove to incentivize them,” she said. “I was wrong.”

“I see,” said Xan. “A thirty percent bonus is a most generous incentive for such purposes, my Empress. I am told that you insisted on the number and had the calculations delivered personally that you might check them.”

“One can never be too thorugh,” said the Empress.

“Curious, then, that the Imperial records speak only of a twenty percent bonus,” said Xan. “Curiouser still is the Imperial Accountant. She speaks highly of my Empress’s head for numbers and figures, yet notes that my Empress has seen fit to call on her advice more in the past six weeks than in the entire five years of her previous reign.”

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“Her entire staff?” Inspector Xan said. “How is that possible? I have seen and spoken with many people here that seem very familiar with the Empress and her grandmother.”

“A second complete, trained reserve staff is present at all times, to step in upon any death or vacancy,” said Ieng. “Apologies. I assumed that you had a greater knowledge of the inner workings of the palace you had been asked to investigate and disrupt.”

“If there is a disruption here, it is that of an old woman with a tongue as sharp as her needlework is not.”

“Ha!” Ieng laughed. “I spent thirty years being demure and biting my tongue, Inspector, and I vowed that those days ould die with The Beloved Empress. And that bitch is deep in her cold, jade tomb.”

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“The Empress has been more aloof than normal, and yet less so,” said Kiang. “I realize that sounds contradictory,” she added a moment later.

“Indeed it does,” said Xan. “Please elaborate.”

“Empress Shien Khou Vu–long may she reign–is required by imperial protocol to be somewhat distant. It is necessary to avoid the appearance of favoritism, though any of the attendants who served during the reign of her grandmother The Beloved Empress will tell you that such favoritism still exists.”

“I have learned much about The Beloved Empress that the official history has…overlooked,” said Inspector Xan. “Please continue.”

“Empress Shien Khou Vu–long may she reign–was particularly close to a coterie of courtiers with whom she had grown up. She had not been expected to inherit, after all, and did not recieve any formal training until after her two elder sisters were carried away by the great plague. But she has grown suddenly distant from them, and those who have attempted to ply their old bonds for the usual favors have been cast out and in one case executed.”

“I see.”

“Furthermore, there are always hangers-on at court attempting to influence the Empress. It is, of course, her prerogative to allow whomever she wishes into the court. But the court has lately been entertaining the most base rabblerousers and insolent commoners.”

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