Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

9:30
To Thine Past Self Be True: Time Travel for Fun and Profit
Falling Water Room C, Marriott

In this presentation by Count Dread and Count Dread from 2082 AD, learn about how your most powerful ally in the fight for evilmay be yourself. Get valuable tips on avoiding paradoxes, sharing information, and winning big (but not so big as to prompt an investigation).

11:00
Mad Science Oratory: Monologuing Without Giving Them the Upper Hand
Kansas City Convention Center 211

Everyone enjoys a good evil gloat. But what if that gives your enemies an opening to turn the tables? In this illuminating lecture and roleplay, The Bloodpire will demonstrate how to monologue without opening yourself up to reprisals.

1:00
Get Your Side Hench On: Recruiting and Retaining Henchmen with Über
Eternium Suite 2, Holiday Inn

Traditional methods of henchmen recruitment have been in decline for years. Enter Über, an app that allows you to hire short-term henchmen for just as long as you need them at any time. Better still, they provide their on weapons and transportation! Learn ho to take advantage of this new economy to fill your ranks ithout breaking the bank.

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9:30 AM
No, Mr. Bond, I Expect You to Buy: Building and Maintaining Your Evil Brand
Conference Room C, Marriott

Everyone knows that having a strong brand is the key to reading unmitigated evil without limits or consequences. Key players from Exxon, Disney, and Fox will host an open panel session, isolated and darkened by one-way mirrors and voice changers, on how to ensure your evil brand becomes unassailable.

11:00 AM
The Pew-Pew Uncharitable Trust: Death Rays on a Shoestring Budget
Durango Ballroom, Sheraton

Death rays have long been a staple of evil, but the days of being able to cobble together your own out of vacuum tubes and quantonium crystals are long gone. Join Dr. Doomenstein for a primer finding and upgrading low-cost death rays to vaporize entire census tracts for just pennies and acre.

1:30 PM
The Black Whole: Improving Minority Representation in the Gravity Dominator Industry
Rm. 101A, Kansas City Convention Center

Evil needs to be more inclusive–that much has been known for years. But what does that look like on the ground, in the private sector? Professor Positron from GravCo will discuss his company’s outreach program aimed at bringing people of color into the gravity dominator industry, and how it takes more than an antigrav ray to lift up a life.

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Current Resident
Dr. Marcus Entwhistle, PhD
Our Neighbor At
Matthew Skotchdople
Veronica Eastep III
The Estate of Guy Pringle
Billie-Kathleen Flaherty
J. Arthur Quaddlebaum
Zeres Mikhailovich Kuzemchenko
The Puddicombe Family
Ton Duc Thang
Valued Playboy Subscriber
Robert Simian
Bass Enthusiast
Hope Berkley
Registered Voter

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For centuries, vampire farmers have taken special care of their human cattle and their local environment. Today, they are active members of their local community and create an estimated 900,000 jobs in the United States alone! They are your friends and neighbors. But most important of all, they are dedicated to producing nutritious and tasty milk and dairy foods for all to enjoy.

Vampires have been drinking blood from humans for thousands of years. Modern human farming began in the early 1900’s after pasteurization was developed and practiced. Pasteurization allows for a safer product and extends blood’s shelf life by eradicating spoilage-causing bacteria through the application of heat. This process allows blood to last longer and be shipped further. With more, easier access to safe blood, the number of vampires increased as did the need for larger farms.

These larger farms rely on healthy humans and efficient practices to produce larger amounts of blood and hematology products. While these farms have grown and become more efficient, farmers still focus on reducing environmental impact, producing safe products and keeping their humans healthy and content.

Vampire farmers are hard working men and women that take pride in providing the highest quality blood products to their family, community and customers. They are members of their communities and they stay involved with community projects. They care deeply about the environment and strive to farm in ways that reduce any impact on the environment.

Most vampire farms are owned and maintained by families and have been for generations. Vampire farmers are experts at blood production and safety, farming best practices and how to keep their herds healthy and happy. Farmers invest countless hours into making the best product possible.

Vampire farms have grown significantly from their humble beginnings to meet the growing demand for blood products. Although the size of the farms has grown, they are still largely family farms. According to the Department of Agriculture, 98% of U.S. vampire farms are still family owned and operated. Many of these centuries-old farms are still owned by the original owners! Whether the farm is large or small, farmers are committed to producing the highest quality product while taking care of the people they farm.

The American Hematology Farmers Association represents vampire farms from across the nation. Our farmers are passionate about what they do and they are excited to share it with you. Visit our pages our farm families page to learn more about how they make the delicious and nutritious products that vampires enjoy every day.

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“I don’t know what kind of stuff happened when the old enrichment facility got hit,” the old-timer said. “But those bogs around it…well, they still glow something fierce at night. People that go in don’t tend to come back out, and those that do tend to give in to the sickness after just a few days. We call them the Tritium Mists, and your friend plus whoever was with them…they’re either on the other side of that, or dead.”

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The raccoon had skittered up the glassy-smooth walls of the Crypts of the Dead Gods like a passing reflection. Now, unleashed, the plunged down like an avenging masked angel, makeshift club extended. The skeleton was decapitated in a single blow, the magic holding it together violently dissipating and blowing it into hundreds of bony shards.

“Womprat” delivered his kick swift and true. The patrolling skeleton never saw what was coming; it toppled headlong into the pool, and then began the long, slow descent to the mystery waters at the heart of the astral island. Its +5 broadsword of alacrity and decapitation was the weight that bore it downward, never to be seen or wielded again by the hands of mortals.

“Ja, zat vas…mein lunch,” said Cryptkeeper Sands, sadly, as his plate of talc shards was greedily taken. “But okay.”

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Symptoms are not
Just symptoms
They are germs
Remaking us to fit

They like the heat
So my temperature
Soars up to suit
The next generation

The drive to expand
Is as strong as them
As it is in us
So I help them do it

Not a runny nose but
Pioneers set forth
On mucus sails
For uncertain lands

I am their earth
Being terraformed
My burning fever
A climate change

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Settled only in the early 1700s, the Merina islands have always been remote and never supported a very large population. During the war, all the islanders were evacuated by the occupying Japanese and put ashore on the mainland; most still have not returned, as the islands were considered to be of major strategic value. The current science station was once a missile tracking outpost during the Cold War, for instance, and because of this the island escaped the ecological disasters and invasive species that ravaged many others.

After the satellite tracking station was abandoned, a few islanders were able to return but the remoteness of the island meant it was only known by a few surfers and other enthusiasts. An attempt at commercial llama farming in the 1990s failed badly, and Typhoon Dingo in 1994 caused major damage to all existing structures.

The only remaining habitat of the rare and critically endangered Red-Speckled Pseudo-Lemur, the Merina islands have attracted intense scientific interest that is in direct opposition to Club Lo, which has been developing the island and its relatively unspoiled beaches as an upscale resort.

Inland, the Merina ruins are particularly noteworthy. By far the largest and most intact ruins of any island other than Nan Madol on Ponape, they show a distinct Bali influence, leading some to surmise ancient trade or colonization efforts between the two widely separated islands. No systematic excavation has ever been undertaken, as the ruins lay on private land, but their mysteries may perhaps one day be unlocked.

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Scurvy rogue
Buried sword
Matey silver
Almost wench
Deliver swear

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Eat.
Coulis, olive, love, put
Grill rib
Charred pesto, feast egg

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