CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the booth for this latest episode of NCAA gridiron madness!

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and I’m going to be honest: I can’t differentiate between those ants on the field and those I’ve seen a hundred times before. I think I may be on the verge of entering a fugue state! Also, bad call by the refs there I think. That’s ten yards the offense won’t get back.

CARL: It’s a good thing no one more than half-listens to what we say up here, Tom! And since this is a non-conference game, where the lesser team is basically being paid good money to act as a punching bag, we’re only being carried on NBS radio, which has a about the same nationwide audience as C-SPAN. Oh, look at that drive! That’s a turnover, possession goes to the away team!

TOM: That’s right, Carl, these ringers from outside the conference are making an uncommonly good show of things here today. If they win the game they’re essentially paid to lose, do you think they have not done their job and shouldn’t get paid? Discuss.

CARL: They’ve earned their money with an upset, all right, even if their exploited and basically enslaved student athletes never see one red cent of it. No, a loss here–as seems to be the case, with the box score 29-8 against the home team–merely serves to add one more log of thousand-dollar bills to the incandescent blaze that is NCAA sports. In among all the other money being burnt to make sure the people at the top stay in Learjets and thousand-dollar suits, it’s all but unnoticed.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, and let’s not forget that a loss in a non-conference game is blood in the water to other teams in the conference. They’ll be circling like sharks now, determined to beat a wounded and unresisting opponent to burnish their own programs before being defeated by the five-time national champions.

CARL: It’s almost like the system is set up so that the rich programs get richer and the poorer ones get poorer, with nothing but the hope of a bolt from the blue upset against a conference opponent, or enough fattened-cow sacrifices from out-of-conference opponents to make themselves seem viable.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. The best way to build a dynasty in the NCAA is to already have a dynasty. And it’s worth adding, I think, that the $175 million dollars per year price tag of the current dynasty makes it a tough sell considering that figure exceeds the GDP of at least three small countries.

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