Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

“It really is a shame that there’s so much false information on the internet these days, it makes it so hard to get to the truth.” Simona dealt the next card, the Magician. “Of course, it’s not all bad. Streaming the Westminster dog show is so much easier than going in person.”

“So what is a ley line?” Heath said.

“It sounds like something a high school basketball team would do,” Ash said. He had sunk firmly into one of Simona’s overstuffed lounge chairs and lodged there.

“Well, there’s a lot that goes into it, from sacred geometry to geomancy,” Simona said. “But the simple version would be this: every structure has a series of invisible lines that anchor it to the natural world. For large and important structures, like mountains or temples, the lines can be a source of considerable power.”

“What about Deerton?” Ruby said. “Would our lines be powerful enough to do something bad?”

Simona laughed and dealt the next card: the Hanged Man, inverted. “I should think not. This city’s only existed since 1874, hardly long enough to accrue that kind of arcane power. I suppose you could use it for a minor ritual or two, but nothing spectacular.”

“What about all that talk of breaking them?” Jayda asked.

Simona shrugged. “That’s just it, that doesn’t make any sense. You might as well talk about outlawing triangles; ley lines are a natural and immutable feature.”

“What if you could break them?” Ruby said.

The next card was Death; Simona buried it with a little slight of hand, as she knew it often upset visitors. She substituted the next card, The Lovers, instead. “There would be nothing to anchor the structure to the natural world,” she said. “I can’t imagine it would be good.”

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We can’t teach our kids
This liberal crap
They say

What will they think
Being told that they
Have
Privilege

How will they feel
When they learn about
Opp-
-ression

Let them learn
From actions
Not words
You say

Very well
The book is
Wide
Open

The lesson plain
For all
To
See

A little rhetoric
Has people
Up in
Arms

But school shootings
Are an utterly
Unpreventable
Tragedy

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The pavement’s cracked and potholes
By 40-degree temperature swings
No money in the budget to fix it
We can’t afford such luxurious things

The highway bridge is crumbling
It’s concrete streaks with rust
“It’s good enough for now,” they say
“We’ll replace it when it’s dust”

The old school building’s groaning
Beneath the weight of kids and time
“Private school’s right down the road”
“Why should your kids get my dime?”

The city cops are cruising
In brand new patrol cars
Their budget’s quite uncuttable
“It isn’t theirs, it’s ours!”

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The shutter clicked merrily at the tiny, pear-shaped bird perched on the feeder. “I’m so glad Joker has started coming regularly.”

“Joker?”

“I named her after her song, which sounds kind of like laughing.”

Another bird, this one grey above and brown-streaked yellow underneath, fluttered up. “Get out of here, Warby! You better not scare Joker!”

Irrespective of the scolding, the bird perched on the nearby set and began to eat.

“You do know that Warby is a Kirtland’s warbler, right? One of the rarest birds in the world and one that never, ever comes to feeders? Why are you trying to shoo it away in favor of a common red-breasted nuthatch?”

“Oh, Warby comes five times a day, but Joker’s new.”

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I think the postman meant to tell me “sorry for your wait.” It had been an uncomfortable 15 minutes in masks, behind a short but needy line of grandmothers looking for a professional packaging service, sorority girls looking for Cancun passports, and coughing unmasked assholes looking for lost mail.

At the same time, as what was probably the last substantive line in that office before the weekend, he clearly meant to say “have a nice weekend.” Another kind, if automatic, sentiment from behind the tall pressboard desk.

It came out, though, as “Sorry for your nice weekend.”

I briefly considered responding with “Thanks, you too!” just to compound the absurdity. But, trying to be more considerate than the people in front of me had been, I simply said “Thanks!”

For the rest of the drive home, though, I was attempting to mash together automatic pleasantries into something fun and chaotic.

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-Teacher is Virgo and Mercury is in retrograde.

-Saw ex in attendance. Did not sign up for drama class.

-Registered while drunk; seems less fun sober.

-Books too expensive. Fact that books are online and open-source irrelevant.

-Transferring to other school with more lax three-strikes policy.

-Passing grade in prerequisite class achieved by plagiarism, but new teacher seems sharper.

-Changing majors to accountancy; will trade soul for money instead of money for soul.

-Teacher clearly has it out for student after asking them repeatedly to put on shirt.

-Dad has decided lack of MBA no longer impediment to inheriting dealership.

-Hit by university bus; generous settlement means degree now unnecessary.

-Dropping out to become cosmetologist; was being serious about “wanting to curl up and dye.”

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“Imagine a plant that was perfectly adapted for its environment, and then the environment changed, isolating it to a tiny area. But the world outside has moved on, and if it could ever get outside that microclimate again, it’d…”

“…take over the world?”

“Hardtley’s book is the only place that we know of where he wrote about it. That’s why he’s dead, and that’s why we need to destroy that copy of his book.”

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Thank you for your purchase of the Holiday Time Megaphone! The following FAQ is provided for your convenience:

Q: Do I have to use the Holiday Time Megaphone for holiday-related purposes?
A: No, the Holiday Time Megaphone will function as a normal megaphone at any time of the year.

Q: What should I use the Holiday Time Megaphone for?
A: You can use it to announce gifts, communicate with relatives, or ring in the new year!

Q: Are there any built-in festive songs or sound effects in the Holiday Time Megaphone?
A: No, the Holiday Time Megaphone features only three modes: Amplify, Alarm, and Off.

Q: What makes the Holiday Time Megaphone a holiday item if it does not include any holiday-related uses or features?
A: Its bright red color and its packaging, of course!

Q: If the packaging is removed, wouldn’t it look like any other megaphone?
A: All right, maybe the Holiday Time Megaphone is simply a way for Hainan Microelectronics Limited to move a few more megaphones in the red colorway. But can you blame us? Americans will buy anything in December as long as it’s red. And they call uscommunists.

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1. Drive carefully, as some patches may be slick and dangerous. While the increasing prevalence of snowy or icy weather in this region might make you think the city should invest in plows or de-icing equipment, this is not the case. Plows are expensive, after all, and the Ward 3 alderman is a climate denialist. In lieu of any organized solution to the problem, we are asking citizens to voluntarily salt the patch of road or highway immediately adjacent to their home at their own expense.

2. In the event of an extreme, unprecedented, or once-in-a-century storm, city trucks may scatter sand or grit on the roads at public expense. This is a cheaper option than salt, at the expense of being completely ineffective for everyone other than the gravel pit foreman, who is the Ward 2 alderman’s brother.

3. Dangerous roads are no excuse for missing work. The city is open for business! Essential workers assume the entire risk for any injuries or damage sustained on the way to work, or any termination/docked pay as a result of staying home. Mandatory business closings are Orwellian government overreach, but the city will at times issue a non-binding advisory statement encouraging absentee business owners to shut down for the day on their own initiative.

4. Procurement of food and supplies before and during a weather event is the responsibility of individual citizens. The city officially recommends a panic-buying spree starting 12 hours before said event, preferably at Linson’s, which is owned by the Ward 4 alderman.

5. The city reminds all citizens that heat and electricity are privileges, not rights. In the event of a widespread power or gas outage, lack of citizen planning does not constitute an emergency on the city’s part. Generators and gasoline are, after all, widely available for around $1000 for an entry-level model.

6. In the event of a particularly picturesque snowfall, the city retains exclusive rights to photographs of city property. This includes, but is not limited to, buildings, trees, roads, non-domestic birds and mammals. Use of any photograph which includes city property for any reason, public or private, will incur a licensing fee. The fee structure may be found on the city website, and the city has partnered with Invasoid Content Match LLC to use procedural AI to locate and fine individuals avoiding the fees.

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“Your website said there were supposed to be Meyer lemons,” the customer whined. “What good is the farmer’s market website if it’s not right?”

“Sir, I’m sorry about the lemons. We have some Eureka lemons if you like.”

The man pounded the counter. “I don’t want Eureka lemons, I want an accurate farmer’s market website so I don’t drive out here for nothing!”

“I’m sorry, but our webmaster is also our cashier and also me,” the employee said. “We try to keep things accurate but it’s not always possible.”

“When are the next Meyer lemons coming in, then? I need them for a pre-jail Martha Stewart recipe.”

“I don’t know,” the employee said. “We get them from a guy out on 6. He sells us a basket when he has one to sell.”

The man stormed out, still grousing about Meyer lemons and the indignities of small-business online infrastructure, to be replaced by the next man in line.

“I saw you had Meyer lemons on your website,” he said. “Are they any good?”

“I’m sorry,” the employee said. “We’re fresh out.”

The man nodded, smiling. The transmission had been correct, then. Project Pucker had begun.

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