Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Though ever did I think it
The apple of my eye
When posted to my feed
A swift death it did die

I put out something later
A piece of junk it would seem
I came back to a million views
For it had become a meme

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It has come to my attention that some so-called “teachers” in the great State of Tallahatchie are using a dangerous and disingenuous new form of brainwashing to try and turn our students against their parents, against the state, and most importantly, against their politicians. I speak, of course, of Critical Zombie Theory.

For those of you who are churchgoing, god-fearing, upright citizens who have never heard of Critical Zombie Theory, I will explain it. Critical Zombie Theory claims that the law is biased toward zombies, that it has historically allowed them to eat brains unopposed, and that the powers-that-be have allowed this situation to continue as it allows the so-called “elites” to maintain their power and privilege by throwing people to the zombies and by building an militarizing a Zombie Patrol that can also be used to silence dissent.

Obviously, this is ludicrous. The great State of Tallahatchie does not favor zombies at all. Granted, they can kill with impunity and are rarely charged and often acquitted for their crimes. But the law is very clear and ironclad in this case: if a zombie murders a a person and consumes their living brain in self-defense, they are will within their legal rights. The solution is simple: don’t startle zombies! Don’t ask them for things, criticize them, or question their actions, and you’ll be fine. That’s not the law favoring zombies; that’s just common sense.

Another lie that these purveyors of Critical Zombie Theory have been pushing is that the Zombie Patrol has been given too much power and is being used to harass and kill the very people that it ought to be protecting from zombies. This is clearly ridiculous, too. Zombies are slow-moving and low-witted, so naturally armored vehicles, tactical kevlar, and high-powered repeating rifles are necessary for containing them. And if those same tools need to occasionally be used on protestors? Well, those people forfeited their right to not be shot by the Zombie Patrol when they disobeyed lawful orders to sit down and be quiet.

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Alignment: Chaotic Good, Chaotic Evil, Chaotic Neutral
Hit Die: d8
Starting Debt: 4d6 × $10,000 (average $140,000) In addition, each character begins play with suit worth $50 or less.

Class Skills
The rogue’s class skills are Appraise (Int), Bluff (Cha), Climb (Str), Jargon (Int), Jury Rig (Int), Knowledge (Office Supplies) (Int), Knowledge (Professional Buildings) (Int), Lockpick (Dex), Looking Busy (Cha), Looking Important (Cha), Perception (Wis), Sense Motive (Wis), Sleight of Hand (Dex), Stealth (Dex),Sycophancy (Cha), Use Gadget (Cha),
Weaseling Out (Cha)

Description
Adventure is where you find it for those who have learned to use their wits to cut through the red tape of bureaucracy. Always in danger of running afoul of stodgy middle managers and clueless administrators, bureaucratic rogues beg, borrow, and steal what they need to get the job done. Never knowing what to expect, they prepare for everything, becoming masters of a wide variety of office skills, accumulating supply closet keys, personal favors, and equipment of questionable origin. Always the first in the door when someone leaves to loot their office, always on the lookout for unguarded supplies, bureaucratic rogues know all the back channels and tricks. They know whose palms to grease with swag and food, who to suck up to, and who to avoid. Where a bureaucratic rogue is active, no dumpster is un-dove.

Role
Bureaucratic rogues excel at moving about unseen (to sneak out of work) or scrounging supplies and tend to avoid head-to-head confrontation. Their varied skills and abilities allow them to be highly versatile, and they excel in overcoming hindrances of all types, from unlocking office doors and stealing snacks to outwitting managers and conning dull-witted coworkers.

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When writing fails to sweet rhymes turn
To place upon the page
In every poem a fierce heart burns
In every poet, a sage

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You think me a fool and quite good to eat
Silly and round with bright red snood
My name is a slander, a holiday treat
Nothing but a pest, nothing but food

But it’s me you domesticated
It’s me you preserved
I’ve just sat and waited
As you spared me to serve

What am I?

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Australian White Ibis⁠

Some say that I’m from the Nile
But I’m native as can be
I’ve been here all the while
Black head bobbing merrily

In Sydney, tip turkey they call me
Bin chicken they’re saying in Perth
But you invaded from over the sea
And I’m just reclaiming my earth

What am I?

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The common sort has all the stars
But the colors are all mine
Iridescent green and red there are
And a white eye looking fine

Maybe I’m too proud of my name
Here on the Serengeti Plain
But perhaps it’s you who’s lame
With your moniker all too plain

What am I?

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You all may think me common and plain
Round and grey, head bobbing about
A bird of the gutter, a blight, a stain
You’ve got me all wrong, without a doubt

Neck feathers shine with rainbow and gold
Surviving even after I was cast away
In favor of telephones, out with the old
You may think me dirty but I’m here to stay

What am I?

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I am quite the bird of the sea
And I nest in a volcano’s heart
The rarest you’re likely to see
Seabird and crater, both parts

On distant isles I make my home
Plying waters for tasty feed
Across the ocean I do roam
Returning only to breed

What am I?

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A fine red comb above my head
But no mere chicken I
Largest bird that soars overhead
Though some may call that a lie

My aerie is the southern peaks
Their dead my sweet repast
I can be found by those who seek
Though I am vanishing fast

What am I?

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