“We don’t go up there,” said Wickerford with a fearful glance up at the densely forested hills.
“Whyever not?” said Yewbow.
“That’s where…the monkeys live,” Wickerford whispered. A feral yodeling howl from the depths underscored the fear.
Excerpt
Archived Posts from this Category
August 30, 2016
From “The Simian Wold” by Lois Widman
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, humor, monkeys, story |Leave a Comment
August 29, 2016
From “Wisdom of the Snails” by Wilis Dossman
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, poetry, story |Leave a Comment
August 28, 2016
From “The Destruction of Port Royal” by Georgia Rainford
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, pirates, story |Leave a Comment
“We are in position now, Don Exposito.” Juan Ramirez, the captain of the ship, reported. “Port Royal lays before us.”
“Excellent, capitán de navío, excellent,” said Exposito. “Report.”
“Our scouting barque reports that there are over twenty armed vessels in port, many of them of dubious or pirate origins,” Ramirez said. “They are supported by the fortress at the harbor entrance. Even with the advantage we have against their weapons and our superior firepower, it is unlikely that we will be able to take the city without reinforcements. Even then, alférez Diaz of our tercio detachment estimates that it will require 1000-3000 troops to pacify the city, occupy its fortifications, and turn its docks to our use.”
“A very thorough report,” said Expositio. “Thank you. But one thing mystifies me, capitán de navío.”
“What is that, Don Exposito?”
Exposito turned to his captain, a delighted grin slowly overating his features. “Who said anything about capturing the city?”
Ramirez’s features clouded. “I…I beg your pardon, Don Exposito?”
Exposito raised his arms. “We are not going to capture Port Royal,” he said. “We are going to destroy it utterly.”
August 27, 2016
From “The Ur-Catapult” by Luarca Putt
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: cat, fantasy, fiction, horror, kitten, story, wings |Leave a Comment
I held onto the stone lever, feeling the deepwoods moss gently caress my palm.
“There’s a lever in the woods/the old folks say/and when you pull it/things fly away.” I whispered the old schoolyard rhyme through lips thick with the sweat of a summer that had reached even the normally cool forests outside town.
Horatio had stayed where I’d put him, mewling quietly. That wouldn’t do; I’d chosen him because he was the most rambunctious of Clover’s litter. After a few moments I tossed his favorite toy out with my spare hand. A little ball that jingled and was full of catnip, it landed squarely in the middle of the great stone trapdoor that the lever activated.
The soft little kitten immediately bounded over to it, and at the first jingle I pulled the lever.
As it had the first time I’d tried it, the sound of impossibly ancient subterranean gears ground out a doleful bass melody beneath my feet. A second later, the trapdoor opened. Horatio yowled as he plunged into the inky blackness. A moment later, he reappeared, speeding up and out at a rocket’s pace, launched in the air as if from a catapult.
That sequence of events should have ended with Horatio as an adorable damp spot on the old glacier cliffs. Instead, he glided gently back down next to me on a pair of small wings that matched the motley pattern of his fur. Seemingly instinctively, ths kit folded his new appendaged up and took to licking himself delicately.
“That’s it, then,” I said. “It’s time.” I stepped onto the trapdoor, once again closed by now. I looped a piece of sturdy rope over the lever, and took a deep breath.
August 26, 2016
From “The Sootless Sweep” by Hope Stoessel-West
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, story |Leave a Comment
“So the main character is a chimney sweep in Dickensian London, huh?”
“That’s right.”
“You write that their skin has a healthy glow. Wouldn’t that be impossible to tell with all the soot?”
“Well, they don’t get too sooty.”
“Uh-huh. Their job is to clean soot from soot-generators and they don’t get sooty.”
“They’re very careful.”
“You say this is supposed to be a realistic young adult novel?”
“Oh yes, very realistic. I did scads of research.”
“Okay then. How does the main character have such good teeth? You mention them several times.”
“He just naturally has good teeth.”
“Even if that were true, he’s a poor sweet in London before the invention of dentistry as we know it. What few teeth he had would be rancid, not the ‘pearly white gleam’ he ‘flashes’ when escaping Wickersham.”
“It’s just poetic license.”
“If you say so.”
August 25, 2016
From “uBid Master Blacklist Update” by Anonymous
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: eBay, fiction, humor, story |Leave a Comment
f4ntassyc14ssy
Banned for repeatedly purchasing items and returning them for a full refund with live hand grenades instead of the original objects.
r04chsexxypuppy
Banned for repeated shipping requests to regions that are part of the system but have no physical postal address (e.g. Antarctica, the ISS, Point Nemo).
BaitedGoat1138
Banned for shipping “realistic statues” of animals that are, in fact, actual animals.
banksydr1vr
Banned for selling items for “local pickup” and then placing them in hard-to-reach places (e.g. under overpasses, glued to skyscraper tops, concealed in mechanical spaces).
August 24, 2016
From “Miriam Burbage: Alien Midwife” by Dame Miriam Burbage XIV
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: aliens, fiction, humor, science fiction, story |Leave a Comment
The Sisters of Proxima Centauri wore their traditional habits, based on what had been common street wear two hundred years ago.
“So, you think you have what it takes to be a midwife?” said Sister Mary Xargbargl. A Theodosian, she looked rather strange wearing an Earth-style t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, but the Sisters would brook no violations of their dress code.
“I do,” said Miriam Burbage, late of 1066 Vowele St., The Integral Article, Surwickshire.
“You do know that there are over 10,000 species on Maximus Prime,” Sister Xargbargl said. “Each with their own complex birthing rituals.”
“Well, I do know that 4583 of those species reproduce by budding or asexual division,” said Miriam. “So there’s that.”
“Hmph! I’ll be the judge of that,” Sister Xargbargl snapped. “How does a newly budded Pseudopodean prevent its parent’s digestive enzymes from permeating its membrane?”
“It uses its birth legs to crawl away before they soften, naturally,” said Miriam. “Do give me a harder one if you’d like to test me, Sister.”
“How long does a newly burst Chitinoid have to find a suitable host before it loses its baby claws, then?” snapped the sister. “And how do you, as a midwife, keep from being infested?”
“37.3 hours,” said Miriam. “And I’ve already switched to a garlic shampoo.”
“Where must the incision be made to keep an Eleutherian from eating its way out of its father?”
“Below the sternal vacuoles and above the hyperthorax,” said Miriam. “Are you quite finished?”
Sister Xargbargl nodded one of her heads rather grudgingly. “Just one more thing.” she said. “Why?”
Miriam looked off into the distance. “I want to help people,” she said. “If there had been an alien midwife when my sister was carrying her half-Scraglite baby, she might have lived.
August 23, 2016
From “Northern Mississippi University Fall 2016 Reminders” by Anonymous
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, humor, satire, story |1 Comment
-All ENGL 101 classes scheduled for 5PM have been rescheduled to 5AM due to a computer error. It cannot be reversed, so the new time will stand.
-A typo in Blackboard now means that classes scheduled in Bourke Hall will now take place in Burke Hall. As Burke Hall was demolished to make way for South Parking Lot C in 2009, this may require rain gear depending on the weather.
-Road construction continues on Campus Loop. Due to the fiscal year ending June 30, no construction was possible over the summer and the entire loop will be closed until Summer 2017. Please plan accordingly.
-Franchising issues have led the Chik-Fil-A corporate headquarters to withdraw its license. Starting in September, the student union fowlery will become a Lucky Dragon 777 Chicken, the first such franchise outside Guangzhou province.
-Conference issues have forced the university to reschedule its opening game. The season opener against the Northwestern Community College Dandelions will now be played against the East Alabama Sledgehammers. The Dandelions will play last year’s nation champions Arkansas A&M for their season opener.
-The Office of the Chancellor is pleased to announce that 17 new vice chancellors have been added to the university administration, including the Vice Chancellor for Vending Machine Affairs, the Vice Chancellor for Tailgating Issues, the Vice Chancellor for Alaskan Native Student Affairs, and the Vice Chancellor for Active Shooters (not to be confused with the Vice Chancellor for Trigger Warnings).
August 22, 2016
From “The Pick of the Picks” by Keck Stippich
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: Egypt, fiction, mummification, poetry, story |Leave a Comment
August 21, 2016
From “She’s Nice Unless She Has Goat Eyes” by Joshua Sylvester Guthrie
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: board games, death, Devil, evil, fiction, humor, story |Leave a Comment
Okay, so.
I meet Death sometimes to play games. Or maybe she’s the Devil, I dunno. She answers to both, I guess? Denny Feldman started calling her Devth because of that and I guess she likes it since he’s still alive.
Anyway, to get to her place we go into this ratty old trash can behind the Gas ‘n’ Gulp. If she wants to play games there’ll be…I dunno, a tube or something to slide down. If she doesn’t it’ll just be garbage. Someone threw out a bowling ball the other week and it’s still in there. I mean, who does that?
So, we usually play board games. Devth likes Monopoly because it lets her be evil, I guess that makes sense. But don’t cheat or act shifty.
Okay, so, if you cheat or act shifty, you’ll know Devth is mad cuz she’ll get goat eyes. If yoo’ve never seen goat eyes, look them up because they’re really weird and scary. Like octopus eyes. But in a goat. Anyway, they’re yellow too, and she’ll give you the evil eye with them. Literally, I guess.
Anyway, you have about 30 seconds to calm her down before things get bad and you get thrown into the eternal night forever. The last time it was me Devth thought I took money from the bank without it being my turn. I just forgot to get change when I bought Reading Railroad, and laughing about it was enough to calm her down.
Missy Antonucci wasn’t so lucky. When she got caught counting cards when we were playing poker, Devth revealed her true terrible form and cast her into the pit of 1000 years’ torment. Okay, so it’s bad but at least it’s not the eternal darkness, Missy will get out in 2116.
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 