Excerpt


“Optomism! That’s the watchword you need. Optimism! Seeing the best in everything. Optimism! Do it with a smile!” Bubbly and bouncy, the words were delivered with childlike enthusiasm and a youthful lilt.

“I’m optomistic,” deadpanned Captain Swann. “I’m very optimistic.”

“Well, then, show me! How do you think your voyage is going to end?”

Swann turned to his co-pilot. “Do we really have to go through this?” she said. “All I need is navigational clearance.”

“Well, these beacons were designed to be chatty. And most of them haven’t had a live contact in so long that they’ve started to go a little loopy.”

“Come on, then!” the beacon said over the open channel. “Sing me your optimism song! I want to hear it rattling the timbers of your noble vessel!”

Inspired by the song ‘Oval of Cassini’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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“Why do you look so upset, Adam?”

Adam looked up as Cosette, her face concerned over the seaming tea in her cup. Even though she’d been born abroad, as he had, she never looked more comfortable, confident, or radiant than in France, the land of her ancestors for uncounted generations.

“This just doesn’t seem right,” he said, looking around the airy and expansive cafe with a view of the Seine. “I think I might have made a mistake.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Adam,” Cosette said. “Did you try the tea?”

Adam sipped listlessly at it. “Yeah. It’s good, but…something is missing. The taste isn’t quite right.”

“We can recalibrate that,” said Cosette, her eyes wide an earnest. “I see a few things wrong here or there. The weave is wrong on the tablecloths, the waiter knew what to do with that customer’s tip, that customer left a tip in the first place…but you know that a simulation is more than the sum of its parts.”

“I do know that,” said Adam slowly, deliberately. “But that also means that it’s more than a matter of simple programming.”

“You’re too hard on yourself. You’re always too hard on yourself.” Cosette said. “Just promise me you’ll try and correct what’s wrong with the simulation, okay?”

Adam sighed. “You’re sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” Cosette laughed. “You’re one of the best simulation designers I’ve ever loved. You can get this French cafe running so well that the President of France would be fooled. You can get it running so well that even a Gallic gal like me would be fooled.”

Adam reached across the table and gave Cosette’s hand a squeeze. “All right,” he said, his face a featureless mask. “I’ll try again.”

With a predetermined gesture, he ended the simulation. The cafe, the patrons, the Seine…all gave way to blackness. Cosette, too, vanished into the ether a split-second later.

“I’ll get it right,” Adam said softly. “Sooner or later, I’ll get it right.”

Inspired by the song ‘Intervista’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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Days don’t come much nicer than that handful of warm but crackling spins in early fall. Warm enough that you don’t need a jacket, yet with enough of a cool bite that you don’t wind up dripping. The Hopewell Arboretum was never busier than on those few days, especially since they tended to coincide with the first few major assignments due at the university. Lovely fall days are never better than when they’ve got the pungent notes of procrastination mixed in.

Three pledges from Alpha Qoppa Nu had gone out to toss a pigskin around on the green. They needed time to unwind after a vicious schedule of housecleaning and hazing, for one. For another…well, the green was verdent not only with carefully kept grass but also sunbathers insulated from the world by a cocoon of polarized lenses and pearly earphones.

A pass went wide, and the youngest pledge–only 17 thanks to an awkwardly-placed birthday–saw his throw go wide, bounding off the green and into the rough.

“Go get it, Ralph!” cried his fellow Alpha. “You throw for it, you go for it!”

Ralph complied with a sigh. His given name was Lawrence, or Larry to his old classmates at Deerton High. There had been an…incident…at his first Alpha mixer, though, involving a hose and spirits strong enough to need an exorcism just to get them out of the bottle. After the ensuing mess, he’d been known as “Ralph” to the entire Alpha house. Luckily, they seemed to find it endearing.

The brush snapped merrily, already lined with the beginnings of the fallen-leaf carpet that would soon be crushed under first snowfall. Ralph was able to make his way through the tangle with only a little difficulty, and most of that came from the glare of a magic-hour sun in his eyes.

His football lay about a hundred yards in, having careened of something or other, at the foot of a bridge. Judging by the layout, it had once spanned the reservoir that used to cover the arboretum, but the water’s disappearance left it hanging in space over a river tributary below, swift and deep.

Ralph took a tentative step out, reaching his hand for the oblate spheroid that was just a little out of reach on a structure with less integrity than a New York City alderman. He soon regretted even this timid action, as the rotting timbers gave way and sent man and ball tumbling toward the welcoming drink below.

Inspired by the song ‘Alpha Ralpha’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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“Totalitarian Robot Televisions have been in the Top 100 for month, the Top 10 for weeks, and #1 for five days. And you’re telling me that they’re being sued?”

“That’s right, sir. The drum loop and samples that they used for the bass line came from Concussion Statuette’s 1977 album Without Makeup. Used without permission.”

“What do they want?”

“They want a million dollars, sir.”

“What?”

“Per minute, sir.”

“…how long is the song?”

“8 minutes and 13 seconds, sir.”

“Put on something soothing and morose from the back catalog. This is going to hurt.”

The Penitent Barrister Original Motion Picture Soundtrack it is, sir.”

Inspired by the song ‘813’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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The Emperor of All Oonsda considered himself to be a man of the people. Thus, he often took the elevator to and from the Core in the company of a small army of bodyguards.

“Dear Seven Spirits below, this is terrible!” he cried during one such Sunday trip. “I must say I do not much care for this jaunty tune. Elevators need music that is calming and serene. Something must be done.”

Near the back of the car, the Imperial Elevator Music Composer flattened himself against the steel and did his best to look inconspicuous.

Inspired by the song ‘Never on Sunday’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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NOTICE
Boffo Bros. Circus LLC GmbH reminds you that, as clowns and members of the International Brotherhood of Whitefaces, Augustes, and Characters, you are bound by its Code of Clownduct. This means:

-No alcohol during performances or backstage. Each pink elephant parade incurs major cleanup fees.

-No sharp corners on makeup, and no incomplete makeup. People are scared of us enough as is without looking like The Joker.

-25 clowns to a car or less. 12 clowns to a phone booth or less. The crash that took 47 lives in 2010 must never be repeated.

-Only soundalike or public domain songs to be used in the performances. The lawsuit with Smokey Robinson was very expensive.

-Animals in pratfalls are limited to 200 lbs. or less. We all remember what happened to Jumbo.

-Setzer water is to be used FOR PERFORMANCES ONLY. Anyone caught taking bottles home will be docked pay. This goes for pies as well.

-We have had reports of clown costumes and makeup that mock contemporary figures in politics and art. While this was once acceptable, now there are too many lawyers for this to be feasible. The People of the State of California vs. “Governor Jerry Clown” was another major expense.

Inspired by the song ‘Uriah Heep’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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The event was, of course, a thinly veiled attempt to introduce the pupils of the Hopewell Finishing Academy to fitting matches in the form of Southern Michigan Military Academy cadets. There were none of the popular tunes of the day in the repertoire; an entire committee had been assembled to choose a stately program of waltzes for formal dancing.

One concession–indeed the only concession–that the matrons and officers and hangers-on made was that cadets were free to dance with anyone they liked, and quiet conversation was generally permitted. The chaperones were eagle-eyed for any inappropriate touching, and none of the girls or boys were allowed to leave with each other. But they could discuss whatever they liked.

The fifth waltz, Eternal Wizrd by Adrian Wetzler, began. Alan DeVries, a cadet from the DeVries financier family out of Detroit, was dancing with Edith Carrington of the Battle Creek Carringtons. Alan had seen the Edith with a coy smile and a distant look on her face and, intrigued, held out his arm.

“What do you think of the latest fashions coming out of London this season, Miss Carrington?” Alan asked, hoping to stimulate conversation on a topic that the fairer sex would find interesting.

“I’m told that I am wearing them,” laughed Edith, “but otherwise I really couldn’t care less. Tell me, Mr. DeVries, what is the last book that you read?”

Alan bit his lip. “Er, Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott. It’s required reading for all first-years.”

Edith ostentateously batted her dark eyes. “And what year are you, Mr. DeVries?”

“A sixth year, Miss Carrington.”

“Lovely, truly lovely,” said Edith. “May I regale you with a book that I re-read recently, Mr. DeVries?”

Alan did not feel qualified to speak on a topic that interested him so little, but…for all her cheek, Miss Carrington’s dark hair and slim figure were very pretty. “Please do, Miss Carrington.”

“It’s called Folk Stories of the Spanish Conquest, by one Mr. Pierre Richat, and it collects stories and tales from the conquest of the New World.”

“Oh,” said Alan with a relieved smile. “Grand stories, I’m sure, of the conquistadors’ noble deeds.”

“Stories and tales of the Indians and their descendents, Mr. DeVries, not the conquistadors,” Edith laughed. “One of the tales in particular, that of Princess Eréndira of the Purépecha, has long fascinated me. Are you familiar with it?”

Alan cast a longing look about the dance floor, to the other couples waltzing silently or talking about fashion. “I don’t know that I am, Miss Carrigton.”

“Princess Eréndira was daughter of the king of the Purépecha people of Mexico. Although her father surrendered to the Spanish she resolved to defeat them, and defeat them she did. Would you like to know how?”

A military story seemed like it might be tolderable, so Alan nodded in the affirmative. “I have a passing curiosity, Miss Carrington.”

The waltz began to build to its cresdendo, and the whirling couples on the floor were suddenly faster, almost dizzying. “She learned the ways of the Spanish, taking their horses and their arms and studying them so that she knew how they worked. Princess Eréndira picked apart the machine that had been set up to oppress and conquer her, and she learned its inner workings. She learned how best to defeat it by stabbing deep at its soft spots even as she appeared to the Spaniards to be an ineffectual savage.”

“And…what happened to her?” Alan said, utterly mystified by Edith’s tone.

“Well, no one is quite sure. Some say she went into hiding, others that she married a priest. I have my own theory.”

“What is that?”

“It is that she learned all she could from those who would conquer her, used that information to destroy them, and then fell in with someone who shared her beliefs. And together, they raised a generation that would give way to another, and another, each stronger than the last, until the yoke of the conquestadors was thrown off for good.”

The music came to an end. Alan seperated from Edith. He gave her a bow, she a curtsey.

“A…delightful tale, Miss Carrington,” said he. He disappeared into the mass of cadets before much else could be said.

“Pity,” laughed Edith to herself.

On cue, the Hopewell Chamber Orchestra struck up a fresh waltz, and cadets once more went in search of ladies to dance with. Alan could be seen repeating presumably wild stories, complete with gestures, of Edith to his fellows.

But, as she made her way back to the wall, another of the cadets stepped forward. “Tell me, miss,” he said. “Are you familiar with the old tale of Arminius?”

“You mean,” said Edith, eyes glittering, “the German who got himself a Roman military education so he could smash Caesar’s armies at the Teutoberg Forest?”

“The very same. May I have this dance?”

“You may indeed, cadet,” said Edith. “You may indeed.”

Inspired by the song ‘Erendira’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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So we’re going to have a fairy tale. But it’s not going to be like your usual fairy tale.

For starters? No fairies.

Yeah, you heard that right. No fairies. None. I hereby banish all tiny winged people from my fairy tale. It’s only a fairy tale in terms of genre rather than the presence of any actual fairies.

Is your mind blown yet? Well it gets better.

You know where most fairy tales–and again, I must emphasize, there are NO fairies in this tale–are set? That quasi-medieval, idealized vision of old Europe? None of that for MY fairy tale. It’s going to be set in a decaying industrial area north of Leeds, a land blighted by the greed of mankind and in which nothing natural can live without a thorough stunting.

And the plot? Well get ready. Instead of princes and princesses, noble steeds and great chariots, there will be petty minicipal leaders, corrupt cops, and sputtering old Leyland autos that only the poorest can afford to keep on the road.

My fairy tale will be a grounded, gritty retelling of everyday people going about their everyday lives in a world that neither knows nor cares that they exist. Original, isn’t it? I bet you wish you’d thought of it first.

Inspired by the song ‘Far from a fairy tale’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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To Whom It May Concern,

I’ve long been known as a collector of fine miniatures, especially dolls. My day job as an investment banker has only ever been a means to look after my collection and its myriad needs, grateful as I am for my success.

I suppose a psychologist would have a lot to say about what my love of my doll collection says about me, about my relationship with my parents, about Annie and Christine in each others’ arms in that coffin built for two where I laid them to rest after the stillbirth. But I have found clarity and peace in my dolls, so who is anyone to judge?

While my collection is as broad and as deep as I have been able to make it, a few items have long since stood out. The ’03 Bechenbacker, Melodie. The ’17 wartime Umberto, Francesca. My 1897 handmade Gauche-Stillwell, Jessica, the absolute gem of my collection. Who could forget the porcelain beauty of Agatha, my Krinkov from the last pre-revolution batch in December 1916? And of course, the three dolls who are of such rarity and quality that I have never publically disclosed any of their details?

They have spoken soft words to me on lonely rainy nights, kept me company from dusk until dawn. They are my true family, my true friends, the only ones who ever have or ever will understand me.

Therefore, I hope you will understand why I have had to remove myself from all other spheres. I hope you will understand why there are seven gaps on the shelves of my collection. And I hope you will understand why, even after the passing of a thousand thousand years, we will never be parted.

Sincerely,
V. Dolen Loveless

Inspired by the song ‘Love of Seven Dolls’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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“I love this waterfront. Nobody does a riverwalk like the Europeans.”

“It probably wasn’t as romantic a hundred years ago when this was all pollution and ooze.”

“Still, look at it now. All that stonework…ships in the river…everything is so clean and orderly.”

“Just like the stereotype of France, I’m sure.”

“Can’t you just enjoy the experience? Look at that sky! Look at those buildings!”

“No, I can’t. And I’ll tell you why.”

“Why?”

“See that aviary over there? Those birds have been staring at us through their old-timey bars since we got here.”

“Probably just looking for a handout.”

“No, that’s not what scares me at all. One of them has something in its beak.”

“What is it? I can’t quite see.”

“It looks like…the key to a Renault. What kind of car did we rent again?”

Inspired by the song ‘Heckle and Jeckle’ by Hiroki Kikuta, released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license.

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