Excerpt


When Jacques-Charles Dominique de l’Arago, duc d’Tiselly, converted to the Cathar faith in 1201, it represented an enormous boon for them. As a powerful Languedoc nobleman, he brought land, troops, official institutional support, and perhaps most importantly, prestige. Conversions of Catholics in Tiselly proceeded at a highly accelerated rate, despite rumors that the duc d’Tiselly had not fully embraced the faith himself.

When the Albigensian Crusade began in 1209, the crusading armies descended on Tiselly in full force, their lords having been promised the duc’s lands if they were purged of heresy. Insinuations to the contrary aside, the duc d’Tiselly certainly fought hard enough in defense of the Cathars; while armies flowed about his lands like water, the Chateau d’Tiselly held out until 1215, falling shortly before Toulouse. All those within the chateau walls were massacred.

And the small golden casket that the duc d’Tiselly had carried with him at the time of his conversion? It was lost in the struggle, and buried beneath the detritus of savage battle.

“I served at Al-Qadmuto and Al-Babiels,” said Garlick. The lingering scars of tropical disease caused his voice to grow more strained and gravelly the longer he spoke.

“Were…were those on the Western Front?” Samuel said.

Garlick laughed until the bandages across his chest constricted the sound into a painful rattle. “What do they teach you children in school these days? Al-Qadmuto is in Transjordan and Al-Babiels is in Iraq.”

“I’m sorry,” Samuel said. He finished changing the bandages on Garlick’s left leg and moved onto his right. “I wasn’t alive during the war, and we only learned about the Western Front in school.”

“That’s because we won the war there,” Garlick said. “Everywhere else was more or less a miserable failure or sideshow. My unit probed against the Turks in Transjordan–with the way people talk these days, it’s a wonder anyone remembers that we ever fought the Turks alongside the Germans–and got our arses handed to us. Fell back to Al-Babiels and the rutting Turks blasted us with mustard gas until we surrendered. They’d gotten it parcel post from their friends in Berlin.”

“If you surrendered,” Samuel said, “how did you defeat the enemy?”

Garlick gave another dry rattling laugh. “Defeat? We were the ones defeated, lad. My boys and I spent the rest of the war in a prison camp, and our boys didn’t get so much as a spoonful of victory on that front until Allenby.”

17 December 20–

Sir,

We have recieved your letter of the 2nd of this month, and regret to inform you that Inctel Inc. cannot be held responsible for side effects of its products’ use as laid out in the end user license agreement. By opening and using the device in question, you agreed to be bound by the terms of the EULA, and as such the company and its affiliates bear no responsibility for what you describe in your communications. Nevertheless, we can offer some suggested solutions as long as you understand that these do not represent any admission of wrongdoing and that you fully assume any and all consequences resulting from their use.

Some users have complained that, while phase shifting, they have accidentally created causality loops that appear to strand them in a skein of time where they do not and never have existed, or experienced certain other radical deviations from their point of departure. Returning the unit to its default factory setting and pressing the power button until the system reboots has worked for many of these cases. Returning to a skein prior to any noticed changes and then moving forward in increments may also work.

As for your complaint about “specters,” some users have complained about similar phenomena. Manually adjusting the phase setting on your unit may work, as hallucinations may result if the default has “drifted” into the positive or negative plane. Customers have also reported success using the anti-time bubble option at maximum setting, but this is not recommended and will void your warranty is still covered.

I am, respectfully.
[signature blurred]
“Inctel is Success.”

The chain had been founded in Lost Angeles, according to the brochure we all had to read (and were tested on!) during employee training, by one Jonathan Patort. Judging by his name he was about as Mexican as Mother Theresa, but apparently he’d hung in as CEO or stockholder for the company until they were popular enough that changing the name would have represented an unacceptable reduction in brand awareness.

In many ways, though, it was a fitting moniker, since the food we served was also about as Mexican as Mother Theresa’s Albanian gjellë. The key dish, and the one with which Señor Patort’s had made its bones, was a quesadilla grilled in such a way that none of its innards would leak out until the first bite was taken, making it perfect to-go food. Never mind that the grilling process took a $5,000 custom machine that your average Mexican was unlikely to own, or that the primary cheese in the mixture was Swiss, or that the thick slabs of bacon floating in said Swiss were unlikely to be found anywhere south of Canada.

“The problem,” Pilsudski said, chomping on his cigar, “is that people don’t come for the tumbling.”

“You’ve heard the cheering during our act,” Warmack said. “Don’t try and tell me that’s not real.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Pilsudski continued. “The tumbling’s part of the experience. But people don’t come to the circus for highwire acts anymore. They come for elephants, lions, clowns, and the sideshow. That’s what they remember, and that’s what they ask for by name. Not the tumblers. You hear cheers? Yeah. Listen during the clowns or the critters and tell me which is louder.”

“What are you saying?”

Cigar smoke wreathed Pilsudski’s features. “I’m saying that, if you and your troupe want to continue on, I expect things to be jazzed up. The weakest link breaks the chain, you know. You’ve got my leave to try some new angles as you will, but if things stay as they are…next dry spell, you’re out of here with all the other tumblers and I use the money to get another elephant.”

One of the required strategies wasn’t in any of the books–hell, it may have existed only in the commandant’s head–but it was a required portion of the curriculum regardless. The Coakha Strategem was named after Eric Coakha, who according to the commandant had led Dutch troops deployed against the Germans in 1940.

Outnumbered and under heavy air attack, Coakha had been trapped on the wrong side of a blown-up dyke, which had created a water obstacle designed to be used as a defensive line. Most of the other commanders so trapped surrendered in the face of German artillery and armor, but Coakha did not. Instead, he broke his small command up into groups of 5-10 men and arranged hiding places for them while a screening force kept the Germans at bay. A native of the area, along with his men, Coakha knew of barns, haylofts, thick stands of trees, and other locations where his troops could easily conceal themselves, especially given the speed of the Germans’ advance thus far and their lack of familiarity with the Dutch countryside.

Once hidden, Coakha allowed the Germans to overrun his positions, which now appeared abandoned; the invaders moved on to attempt an assault crossing of the flooded area. On a pre-arranged signal–a triple blast from concealed artillery pieces–Coakha’s men fell upon the Germans’ rear, cutting off their contact with friendly units and pinning them between attacks from behind and the Dutch defenders still in place across the water. The Germans were annihilated, and Coakha’s survivng men crossed the floodwaters in their enemies’ captured assault boats. The line held until the next day when, intimidated by the terror bombing of Rotterdam, the Netherlands surrendered.

The commandant liked that story for two reasons. First, it showed the mischief a canny commander familiar with the lay of the land could wreak even when outnumbered. And second, it showed that even a convincing victory could be hollow in the larger scheme of things.

I think it’s just a natural law that children of a certain age have to fall in love with one of their teachers. It tends to be right in the spring awakening period of junior high, too; any younger and teacher is still just a substitute mommy, and any older and there are plenty of fellow students to write mushy mental love notes to.

For most males of the heterosexual persuasion who passed through Thomas Q. Dobbs Junior High, that teacher-crush role was completely spoken for thanks to Miss Lori Finivedi. Now, years removed, when I look back on her photo in the yearbook, she doesn’t seem all that interesting–pretty, certainly, but without any of the supermodel characteristics that fledgling hormones or a desk-seated perspective can bring. Her lectures were scattershot, with none of the prim organization that Mr. La France or Mrs. Knusson brought–nevertheless, every male was as enraptured as our female classmates were bored.

This led, of course, to fierce competition among boys in that class to impress Miss Lori Finivedi. and no competition was more fierce or more closely contested than the annual United States Diorama Map competition.

The note continued in the same vein:

Gertie was sometimes called Gertrude. This was her name on certificates and papers but never her real name. Anyone who called Gertie by that name was no friend of hers.

Gertie was said to always be nervous, but this was a lie. Gertie would pretend to be nervous or even pretend to faint because it made people see Gertie and treat her with kindness.

Gertie was barren, they said, and could never have children. But Gertie knew this wasn’t true. Her husband insisted it was so, and tried to prove himself right with many others.

Gertie was weak, they said, but they’d never had to be Gertie.
Gertie was many things at many times to many people and in many eyes.

Gertie was none of those things afterwards.

Gertie was no longer Gertie.

Gerald looked at the mountain of paperwork and heaved a tired sigh. Estate law was never pretty, but it became geometrically less so the more heirs and more money was involved.

At least the content of the various briefs was somewhat unusual. In contrast to most intestate cases, which tended to be single people or those felled by thunderbolts in their prime, the Trintles had maintained no less than two wills among them–it was only their sudden and bizarre ends, one after the other, that brought the case to court.

Harvard Trintle, who’d pulled himself up from a family of twelve to dowager head of a major accounting firm, had died simply enough–he’d had a heart attack on his motor yacht, apparently while trying to heft a gas can. The unusual thing was where the yacht was berthed: the port of Aden in Yemen, nearly 8000 miles from Trintle’s registered port of Boca Raton, FL. Harvard’s will left 100% of his estate to his widow.

Agnes Trintle had thus inherited millions in cash and real estate…a fact which she had only learned two days after being committed by her only child. Agnes had apparently had a psychotic break, and had been brought in raving about how a being named “Repre Demanoni” was conspiring to send the children of Earth, including her son Harold, to the moon. This would, according to Agnes, revitalize the flagging lunar radiance at the cost of billions of innocent lives. She died not long afterwards, apparently after an allergic reaction to her medication–or, rather, the peanut butter that it had been hidden in. Her will left everything to Harvard, or–if he predeceased her–to Harold.

And Harold Trintle, the last of his line, had no will at all, being as he was only 35 years old and unmarried. He spent wildly of his parents’ cash, having apparently been kept on a rather tight leash up to that point. He had apparently perished in the crash of a newly-purchased Lamborghini on a road near Bristol some months later–“apparently” being the operative word because the car had been plastered against a cement barrier to such an extent that identification of the occupants was more art than science. As an adoptee, Harold had no DNA to test against, though his personal effects were found in the car and he was booked into a local inn under the curious name “Finello Unsubject.”

“State your name.”

“Paul Trudits.”

A pause. “We have no record of you,” the computerized voice said. “Please stand by.”

“No record? I’ve been in the system for years.” Paul’s protest elicited no response.

“We will need to determine which Trudits family you belong to,” the voice said at length. “Please answer yes if any of the following statements pertain to you.”

“Okay, but I’m not sure how-”

“I grew up at Briscombe House in Surence, Stuttery.”

“What? No!”

“My aunt was originally from Unteart village in Gauscierry.”

Paul scratched his head. “What is that supposed to mean? I don’t-”

“My father was stationed at Suarkend in Zamastrahar Province during the war.”

“Where the hell are you getting this? I don’t even know what that means!”

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