Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

The howling was a cacophony, making it almost impossible to hear a word when Peyton spoke: “What is all that racket?”

Marshall looked into the distance, at the dim glow dotting the hills. “The Dogfires have been lit,” he muttered.

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I stare down the barrel
Of the Great Filter
On such vanities as these
Every alien civilization
In the observable universe
Has come up short
With extinction to follow
I should feel honored
For such illustrious fellows
But instead I just feel empty
All those far-off worlds
Those alien ecologies
Novel life forms, chemistries
The same mundane problems
As little old me

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“Call me Rudolf,” the Landsknecht said. “Here, have a drink.”

He held out a stein of water to Georg, which the captive was just able to grasp by straining at his chains.

“Very kind of you,” Georg said, between gulps. His speech was slurred but intelligible given the swelling of his jaw and around his orbit. “I can’t say as your friend have been as hospitable since I’ve been their guest.”

“Well, Landsknechte are just doing a job,” Rudolf said. “Some take it a little too seriously. I do not. Your men fought bravely with inferior equipment, and killed six of my men. Six! It’s been a long time since we took that many casualties in battle, and even then it was against pike and shot. You took those men down with swords made from sickles and scythes bent into pikes.”

“And you ran them down for it,” Georg said. “There were close to a thousand of us.”

“Well, now there are five, give or take. Your leader has already been beheaded; might be able to see his head out your window if you lean just right. The rest of you get to share his fate once certain niceties are decided upon.”

“You came to gloat?” replied Georg.

“Defeat is the common fate of a soldier; it won’t do to wail against it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a shred of compassion,” Rudolf said. “You and your peasant boys fought well against impossible odds. If you’d had our equipment and training, you’d have taken the field and we really would be rid of all nobles and kings, just the way you wanted. I’m tipping my hat to you.”

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Masks required to shop here

As I watch you walk the aisles

Please wear a mask for the health and safety of our employees!

Nostrils flaring, lips wet

Masks are required – Management

I wonder if you wouldn’t mind

We appreciate you masking up

Just telling me

We love our customers! Please wear a mask

That you don’t care

By order of the governor, masks are required here

If I live or die

Local ordinance: masks required for all

It’s just as cruel

Masks are required – thank you for understanding

But saves me the suspense

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At this point, Großchnabel and Rohrsänger appear to have realized that they were, in fact, excavating the ruined core of a 5th-dynasty pyramid, albeit one that had been so extensively vandalized for stone that it was scarcely recognizable. In response to their cable, the University of Stönn dispatched an excavation team, which was able to arrive onsite very quickly, much to Großchnabel and Rohrsänger’s astonishment. This was because the team had just completed excavations for Borchardt at Amarna, and had been scheduled to return home. Großchnabel’s letters and cables to Prof. Ermann emphasize his displeasure with the excavation team, noting their sullenness and many acts of petty sabotage, in comparison to the praise he tended to lavish on his local Egyptian diggers.

After a further period of excavation, Großchnabel and Rohrsänger reported finding evidence of an undisturbed chamber carved in bedrock below the structure, which they had taken to calling the Pyramid of Seth-Ka based on a misreading of a funerary inscription, preserved today in the Stönn archives as a rubbing (the actual meaning was closer to star of ka, believed to be a poetic name for the pyramid itself). They also found mounting evidence that the pyramid had been sealed and abandoned before completion, though their letters and communications to this effect are vague at best.

The next round of excavations with a fresh crew were due to begin in July 1914; Großchnabel and Rohrsänger remained at the site with their Egyptian workers while the majority of their crew, aside from five volunteers, returned to Cairo. This, unfortunately, happened to coincide with the July Crisis, which led directly to the outbreak of the First World War. The entire University of Stönn excavation crew, less the five volunteers, was interned at Alexandria upon the outbreak of war, and a small detachment of British and Egyptian troops was dispatched to arrest Großchnabel and Rohrsänger as well.

When they arrived in early August, they found that the dig site had been completely abandoned. The local diggers’ families reported that they had not returned, the site was full of valuable abandoned equipment, and in their brief and cursory examination of the dig, there seemed to be no sign of the subterranean chamber that had been reported earlier.

A typhus outbreak at a Cairo internment camp resulted in the deaths of all surviving members of the Großchnabel-Rohrsänger expedition in early 1915, and no general search for the men was ever carried out. After the war, the Daqqa pyramid complex area became part of a major military base, first under British and later Egyptian control. By the time the area was open to civilians again, in 1979, any evidence of the fates of the seven Germans and twenty-seven Egyptians who had disappeared was long gone.

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Hoyt tapped his chin. “You a student of history, Mr. Ross?”

“I’ve taken a class or two,” Ross said.

“There’s a little episode I’m quite familiar with from 1525. German Peasants’ War. You know it?”

Ross looked over at his aide, listening with one hand cupped over the receiver. She shook her head. “I don’t know much before 1776,” he said.

“Peasants were real mad, storming castles and overthrowing lords. They had the nobles outnumbered a hundred to one, but the rebellion was crushed and thousands died. You know why?”

“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.”

“The peasants wanted to negotiate. They thought the princes were reasonable men and they had reasonable demands. But the princes were just stalling for time until they could get cavalry and cannons in place.”

“You saying I’m just stalling you so that we can find you and kill you?” Ross said.

Hoyt grinned. “That’s probably what you think. But you know what? It’s a good idea, and I think I found a good use for it.”

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With the fall of the Valois monarchy, the privileged position of the Roman Church was, for the first time since the Wars of Religion, in peril. The Revolutionary Assembly attempted to provide an alternative for Valoise that would emphasize the new revolutionary virtues of reason, humanism, and empiricism.

However, there was a strong reaction from the more conservative members of the Assembly, who thought that there ought to be a reform of the Roman Church rather than its outright replacement. This debate occurred at a key point during the Constitutional Convention of the First Valoise Republic during which there was fierce debate on what, if any, mention of religion there would be in the constitution itself.

This resulted in the Cult of the Empty Throne, a compromise written into the First Valoise Constitution that, in the true tradition of all great compromises, pleased no one. The Cult encouraged the veneration of an ornate, unoccupied, throne, both as a symbol and an actual throne retrofitted into Roman churches. The churches themselves were declared to be Empty Throne Rooms.

Adherents were encouraged to “fill the throne” with whatever suited them–the traditional god of the Roman Church, a deistic being, the concept of reason, or quite literally nothing. By allowing worshippers to choose whatever was sat upon that throne it was hoped that both the proponents of a new ‘Religion of Reason’ and the old Roman Church would be able to coexist in the same space.

Instead, both extremes stayed away in droves. Despite lavish spending on Empty Throne processions and a three day Festival of the Throne in the capital, the converted churches were almost empty on the designated days. Worse, the idea quickly became a laughingstock among enemies of the new regime both domestic and foreign. The Czar of Poccnr famously declared that he was flattered by the Valoise Republic providing him with so many fine thrones for his victory tour.

The fall of the First Republic put an end to any official support for the Cult, and the ascension of the Emperor resulted in its total proscription. The few remaining priests and devout adherents were rounded up and imprisoned, with the Imperial Chancellor noting wryly that a year later there were only fifteen dedicated Thronists in Valoise prisons who had refused to recant. “Were I so inclined,” he said, “I could end the Throne in Valois with a single cannonade.”

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The protective equipment was onerous, to say the least. Polarized glasses that turned everything a mealy shade of monotone. Dull beige plastic that zipped up over everything. The face mask that made most emotions invisible. And of course the noise-canceling headphones, which enabled flawless communication but also broadcast a dulcet, neutral tone that would have been sleep-inducing if not for the caffeine pills.

Thus protected, the GFA agents penetrated the site in twos. As the squad rookie, swept up in the mad dash for more agents even before his program was complete, Mayaguez was paired with Rogette.

“Look at these poor fellas,” Rogette said as he led the two-man recon through what had been an office building. He gestured to the forms of white-collar workers slumped at their desks and in the hallways.

“But they’re not dead,” Mayaguez said, pushing one of them with a gloved mitt. The man grunted and pushed back, his half-lidded eyes fluttering.

“They might as well be,” Rogette grumbled. “Completely lost to the real world, enmeshed in a fantasy so compelling there’s no awakening from it.”

“The Plague of Fantasy,” Mayaguez whispered.

“That’s right. And once we get them quarantined we’re going to make this place so dull, so depressing, that not even a single spark of imagination can gutter to life. It’s the only way.”

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Another survey from the bosses
Slides into overstuffed inbox
‘What can we do to make things better’
‘How can we be more diverse’
‘Why aren’t you happy’
‘Who, if anyone, harassed you’
‘When can we expect your response’
I pull up the org chart
Ten smiling white men in buzz cuts
Beholden to ten more of the same
The answer I give them at the end
In the free response field
Is probably not the one they want

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Q: Do I need to report money from major criminal enterprises? I am the head of a major crime family trying to file as head of household.

A: Yes! On Form 1040, you will find a line for “embezzled or other illegal income.” Please put the full cash value of any and all illegal income on this line, rounded to the nearest whole dollar.

Q: I made a major contribution to the prior presidential administration in exchange for a tax break. Is that offer still valid under the current administration?

A: It depends. If you are referring to a handwritten Form 7R1-1Mp, those promissory notes are no longer legal or valid. However, if you were a direct beneficiary of the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, that tax relief is still valid and you need take no further action.

Q: I am an alchemist transmuting less than 1 troy ounce of lead into gold per year. Do I need to claim this as income?

A: While the official reporting threshold for alchemical taxes is indeed 1 troy ounce and under, remember that the value of the ingredients and equipment are included–if you are able to procure genuine Philosopher’s Lead and have an alembic that is attuned well enough to transmute, those are converted to gold-equivalent via Table 79a and may put you over the 1-oz limit for recreational “exempt alchemy.”

Q: I returned from my abduction from the Sargons of the Andromeda Galaxy with knowledge of advanced technology I used to start a home business, but also several health ailments requiring daily care. Can I claim these as business expenses?

A: Extraterrestrial-related technologies (“ET income”) are taxable but only directly-related expenses may be deducted. The sutures used to implant alien tissue into a living host would, for example, be deductible but an alien embryo requiring outpatient care would not.

Q: I died this past year, but rose as the living dead, fearsome in life but unstoppable in crypt’s embrace. Do I need to report any income I make?

A. You’ll need to file a form 1099-Z assuming that you fall into the relevent categories for Post-Necrotic Income (see the filing instructions for a complete list). If you have assumed an undead form that is not on that list, you will need to file an amended 1040-RIP along with a full description of your current state. Keep in mind that if you can demonstrate hardship from post-necrotic decay, you may be eligible for deductions based on your category (EG zombies would qualify, but liches would not).

Q: I have been laid low by a new and virulent illness. Do I still need to file?

A: Yes, but you may qualify for an extension. Refer to table CDC-1 for a list of categories that apply. Do keep in mind that the illness must be naturally occurring; Ouagadougou Fever would qualify, but The Bloodsin would not. In the case of naturally-occurring illnesses which have been weaponized, like Marburg hemorrhagic fever, you must have contracted a natural variant rather than being exposed to a biological weapon.

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