10/22: First signs of activity. Laboratory power grid flickers at 10:27:38 GMT.

10/23: Janitor notices that Mechanical Room 127A has been sealed from the inside.

10/24: After janitor and security are unable to access the room, a call is placed to the DoD.

10/25: DoD operatives arrive and attempt to open door with breaching rounds and explosives. Both attempts fail with casualties.

10/26: Analysis of the door indicates that the steel has been replaced by a metallic crystal lattice structure of unknown composition. The process appears to be akin to fossilization and did not alter the color or texture of the door.

10/27: Subsequent analysis indicates that the entirety of Mechanical Room 127A has been replaced by the unknown metallic crystal lattice. All surrounding walls and floors have been “fossilized” in this way to a distance of .0777 meters–exactly the width of the door. The facility is evecuated and further tests are conducted remotely.

10/28: At 10:27:38 GMT, a second power surge occurs. Subsequent testing reveals that the affected area has grown in all directions by .0777 meters.

11/03: A third expansion of .0777 meters occurs, again at exactly 10:27:38 GMT. This is the final such event observed to date.

11/29-12/19: After the expansion of the “fossilized” area is completed, the facility is condemned. All non-“fossilized” material is removed, and the remaining area–Mechanical Room 127A and .1554 meters of surrounding building–is sealed in airtight foam for transport.

12/20: Mechanical Room 127A is removed for study. The laboratory is compensated and construction of a new building elsewhere is authorized.

Notes: The contents of Mechanical Room 127A are currently unknown, as all attempts to cut into it have failed. The only option that has not been explored is a thermonuclear detonation, which has been rejected on practical grounds.

Nothing in the building or janitorial records indicate anything amiss int the area, which had undergone a routine inspection six months earlier. Previously used to house mechanical pumps and parts of the building’s air conditioning units, it had been rendered redundant by renovations and the pipes cut and sealed. Reports indicate that it had been used for temporary storage and as an occasional smoking room for janitors.

A personnel search after the incident revealed that a single building occupant was unaccounted for. The DoD has redacted all personal information about this individual pending a thorough investigation. Though it is likely they were trapped in or responsible for the incident, the individual’s security clearence and education seem incompatible with the latter theory.

No audible communication or response to taps has ever been recorded from within Mechanical Room 127A, nor have any further incidents occurred.

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“I’m a lich, technically,” said Gerald. “An undead abomination sustained by sheer force of will along with necromantic spells from beyond the ken of sanity.”

“Yes, and I’m a wight,” said Geraldine. “Not technically undead but not fully alive, capable of draining life energy at a touch and using it to sustain my horrific existence.”

“They say opposites attract,” laughed Gerald.

“Yes, the horrors of my existence beyond the veil exactly cancel out those of Gerald’s,” Geraldine added. “Why, Madison and Powell look almost human aside from the paleness and fangs.”

“There was some trouble with the families at first,” said Gerald. “But we’re raising the children as vampires. It’s a good compromise for everyone involved.”

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Jinx: Short-term. Wears off with time and is most potent at the moment of its invocation. Will work with curses but not hexes. Can be transferred, but only with difficulty. Only affects individuals.

Example: June inadvertently jinxes John by telling him she hopes nothing goes wrong with his flight. The chances of something going wrong with the flight increase by 50% for the next 24 hours.

Hex: Long-term. Builds strength over time before ebbing away and is most potent after about six months. Cannot be transferred. May affect individuals.

Example: A witch puts a hex on John after he loses her monthly witchfee in a casino. For the next 6-8 months, John’s chances of winning decrease by 75%.

Curse: Potentially infinite. Curses take effect withi a period of a few months and are self-sustaining thereafter, lasting until broken. Curses can be transferred and inherited if the original subject dies. Affects individuals, sites, and organizations.

Example: A mummy curses the explorer who opens its tomb. That explorer suffers a 80% reduced immune system capability; if they die, the curse will pass to another member of their expedition. Only the death of the entire expedition or the resealing of the tomb can end it.

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The bodies of the villagers were hardly recognizable, as all identifying features had been melted off. Their huts were similarly dissolved, and the place still stank of volatile low-pH chemicals.

“What happened here?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Their shaman did a rain dance wrong and summoned up a batch of acid rain.”

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“And there on your right, you can see a pack of Star Fishes trying to outrun their natural predator, the Bark Hole.”

“On your left, we’re passing the Crab Nebula and its companion the Lobster Dark Matter Cloud.”

“That’s the Horsehead Nebula. It was moved to its current bed of stars by the Godfather Nebula.”

“Caturn is right ahead of us, surrounded by rings of kitty litter.”

“Please wait until we get a little further before taking any pictures, that red planet Mars any photos from here.”

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The crazy man stood in a corner of the decrepit room. His ears lay on the blood stained floor. He rocked back and forth, unable to stop.

“The bells… can’t you hear them? No.. of course not.. you still haven’t met HIM. But believe me… once you do… once you start hearing that ringing… that never. Ending. Ringing… you’ll wish you were deaf…”

“Of course,” said Officer Brinson. She kept the man covered with her service Glock while Singer called in the details from the suad car. “There aren’t any church bells in town,” she added. “Congregational sold theirs for scrap when it folded and everyone drives to Cascadia for church now.”

“No…no,” croaked the murderer. “Not church bells. Unholy…not holy. You can only hear them in the presence of one who has heard them…and they. Will. Not. Stop. Not until…you do as they ask.”

“What do they want, huh?” said Brinson, hoping that conversation might keep the man from struggling against his cuffs. Druggies could sometimes snap the plastic, and one guy had palmed a cigarette lighter and melted through them.

“Blood,” the man said. “What…else…but…blood?”

Officer Brinson was about to say something, but stopped. Pausing, she cocked an ear. “What’s that?” she said.

It sounded like bells, dim but brassy, far off and insistent.

“It’s begun.”

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Kris was yelling. “You don’t understand. I saw a buck in my apartment complex. IN MY APARTMENT COMPLEX.”

“Dude. Chill.” Brayden’s voice was flippant, contemptuous. “Deer get in those places all the time.”

“Not like this. It was watching me. It was following me. It’s that deer I hit, I just know it. That little mark on her head that looked like a crown…”

“You’re freaking me out,” said Brayden. “Stop it.”

“What’s that?” cried Kris. “WHAT’S THAT?”

It was the unmistakable echo of cloven hooves at the door.

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“Mom, what are you doing?”

“Well, honey, it’s almost Memorial Day, remember? I always make your brother patriotic M&M cookies for the long weekend.”

“It looks like you’re just picking all the brown and orange ones. Also, Jim is working in the Seychelles, Mom. In Africa.”

“Well, I ususally make them with just the US flag colors. But this year, I’m going to make them with the Seychelles flag colors and vacuums seal them for UPS!”

“Isn’t there also white in that flag?”

“Yeah, still trying to figure that one out. Maybe I’ll dip a few in white chocolate.”

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The light snapped on, and Melody gasped. Her Chiro-Sure memory foam mattress was sitting at the counter, with a gun menacingly laid atop it.

“Wh-what?” said Melody. “Chiro-Sure? How…?”

“Where were you, Melody?” The mattress’s voice was soft but firm, just like its body.

“I was at my boyfriend’s house,” said Melody. “Why do you care? HOW do you care?”

The Chiro-Sure seemed unmoved. “Did you think I would forget, Melody?”

“Forget what? I-”

“DID YOU THINK I WOULD FORGET?” roared the memory foam. “I never forget! I can’t!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Melody cried.

“Did you think I would forget how I hugged the curves of your body? The intimacy we shared? Did you think I would just forget as you went and shared that with another?”

“But…” Melody stammered. “But…!”

“You made me do this,” said Chiro-Sure. “It’s not me who killed you. It’s you who killed me.”

The pistol barked. Then, a moment later, it fired again, spattering the window with bits of memory fluff.

And that is why you NEVER use memory foam pillows or matresses. THEY NEVER FORGET.

Paid for by the Box Spring Manufacturers Association of America

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Ambitiosior stultitia is highly sexually dimorphic, like all the organisms in its ecosystem. It has trilateral symmetry and three sexes, (male, female, and neuter), again very similarly to the norm in its ecosystem.

The male Ambitiosior stultitia is a hemolymph drinker, with a sharp proboscis for that purpose and wings. The female, also winged, uses a similar proboscis to take milksap from sedentary pseudotrees. The wingless neuter is a photovore, feeding on sunlight.

But the true distinction of Ambitiosior stultitia is the final stage of its life cycle. Rather than mating, the three sexes spin a cocoon together and emerge after a pupal period as the mated form, which utilizes the nutrients gathered by all three progenitors.

This form, which is wildly dissimilar from the others, was initially classed as a different species. It has wings, is heavily armored, and emerges pregnant from its chrysalis. With no working mouthparts, its only purpose is to find and kill a suitable host in which to lay its eggs, after which it dies.

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