May 13, 2016

From “The Revenant in the Fried Chicken Line at Graduation” by 555-3253

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1:23 PM

555-3253 I’m in line for fried chicken

555-3253 They give you your drink up front but you have to wait for your bird

555-3253 Only place on campus serving hot food right now

555-3253 Line’s big enough for a congressman 😀

1:37 PM

555-3253 I hope you’ll bear with me on this epic journey of hope

1:49 PM

555-3253 We lost six men to a mama bear attack during the carpet crossing

1:56 PM

555-3253 I am looking up at the sun streaming through the windows as the ice melts silently in my soda pop

2:11 PM

555-3253 I grunt and pant in the carpeted wilderness. Only the wild animals around me reply.

2:19 PM

555-3253 I will have my vengeance

555-3253 I will track that chicken to the ends of the earth

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May 12, 2016

From “The Razor of Dawn Cuts Too Deep” by Franz Arwood

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And then she cut the sky asunder with the Razor of Dawn, and the clouds fell by the wayside like so much shredded linen. The sword was dull, and its heavy silver metal would not have withstood even a single stroke in combat, but that was not its purpose.

The farmers rejoiced, for their drowning and soggy crops would now be saved by the healing light of the sun. She left the blade with the folk of that place, cautioning them to only use the Razor of Dawn when it was truly needed.

Naturally, that lasted less than a year. Soon, the weak-willed hands into which the blade had been put were cutting away thr clouds every winter’s day for a longer growing season and more pleasant weather. But without the winter snows, and without the spring rains, there was no water to feed the crops or the people.

Even after the farmers realized their mistake, it was too late. With so much sun, the soil dried out and was washed away by the spring rains that they allowed to fall. What little was left blew away in the windstorms that followed.

The Razor of Dawn itself was lost as the community dissolved, and the stranger that has bestowed it was never seen again.

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May 11, 2016

From “Carnivora’s Legacy” by Mariana Brinson

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“I’m dying.” Carnivora the great toothed plant sighed. “You must take these seedlings and distribute them to secure my legacy.”

“But why, Carnivora?” said Billy. “Why are you dying?”

“I’m a vegan, Billy,” Carnivora said. “I’ve foresworn hateful meat and refused to eat any part of anything with a face. And with no soy that will satiate me…this is the end.”

Billy bowed his head sorrowfully. “I’m so sorry, Carnivora.”

“Promise me, Billy. Swear an unbreakable oath that you’ll see my seedlings planted.”

“I swear, Carnivora,” said Billy through his tears. “I swear.”

“Thank you.” The great plant sighed and began to wilt.

“Uh, Carnivora?” Billy said after a moment’s thought. “Won’t your seedlings die too if they’re all vegans?”

“Oh, no,” said Carnivora. “They’re not vegans, Billy. Those seedlings are carnivorous as hell and they’re going to eat your world from the inside out.”

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May 10, 2016

From “Taking After Daddy” by Norris Suncress

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Have you ever tried chewing without a mouth? I did. Mainly because I don’t have a mouth. Getting the food between my teeth is extremely difficult.

You might ask what point there is in doing so without a mouth. Well, I secrete an extremely potent acid in my throat that liquifies just about everything that isn’t me. It doesn’t do anything to my teeth either, kind of a consolation prize for the whole no-mouth thing. I can squirt the acid between my teeth at you if you get rude or by accident, so be careful.

Naturally, that gives me a bit of a strange look, so I wear my happy mask so people won’t stare. It’s made of solid brass so it won’t corrode, and it’s featureless aside from two holes for my eyes. I think people find it dashing, really.

I take after my father, as they say. I never did find out how Mom met the Dread Faceless Muolih, let alone had a one-night stand with him, but the unholy screech of my birth did paralyze her and drive her insane, so I never really asked.

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May 9, 2016

From “Grandma’s Sandwich Cookbook” by Akima Wren

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Cucumber and Shrimp
A tasty treat perfect for entertaining and bridge parties. Refrigerate shrimp and cucumber to preserve freshness. Add to toasted bread just before serving. Works best with a black pudding spread made from grandmother’s blood left to clot.

Mock Paté
Class up your sandwich offerings with a spread that seems expensive; only your bill can tell the difference. Remove casing from liver sausage and mash with salad dressing. Add bone marrow from grandmother’s tibia, fibula as emulsifier. Spread after congealing in fridge overnight.

Lobster and Pickle
Not to be confused with Cucumber and Shrimp, this is a dinner sandwich and not to be served at games or from a tray. Refrigerate lobster and pickle to preserve crispness. Add to baked bread just before serving. Works best with a boiled-down aspic from grandmother’s inner ear bones.

Liveraisin
The perfect way to get children to eat healthy, iron-rich liver. Raisins may be store-bought or home-dried. Slice grandmother’s liver thin, add raisins between layers or in natural cavities. Aim for a 10:1 ratio in favor of raisins at first, then decrease as kids get used to the taste.

Mint Butter
The perfect spread for any occasion before Labor Day. Mash mints and mix with emulsifier of boiled grandmother bones and blood at the “black pudding” stage. ANCHOVY PASTE MAY BE SUBSTITUTED FOR MINT. Spread on thick-cut or toasted breads.

Yum-Yum Sandwich
A sweet treat to be used as a reward for well-behaved children. Cream, marshmallow, dates, pears, grapes, pineapple, sugar, sweetmeats from fresh grandmother. Cut up or mash before preparation and mix or blend thoroughly to ensure an even texture.

Marmanut
A light and airy delight for hot days before Memorial Day or after Labor Day. Unsuitable for any occasion in between. Rhubarb marmalade, nuts, raisins, dates, and vitreous humor from grandmother’s eyeballs as stabilizer.

Crust Butter
A money-saving spread for all budgets. Bread crusts from all the other sandwiches mixed with salad dressing and rendered fat from grandmother. Add to any recipe as a spread or enjoy on its own.

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May 8, 2016

From “Silver Dollar Wish Takeback” by Nina Rosin Abram

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When Billy emerged from the well, his silver dollar in hand, he meant to turn around and throw in the quarter he’d meant to fling in the first place. But a horrifying sight confronted him. The sky was angry red, the buildings were annihilated, and even their ruins covered far less land area than they should have.

“Bu…wha…?” Billy stammered.

“Billy.” It was the voice of the well itself, a sepucheral dirge from beneath the earth itself. “Gaze upon your crime. By undoing a wish you have undone all wishes.”

“What? That’s crazy!”

“In 1975, the mayor wished for the town to be revitalized. Not no more it ain’t. In 1982, a little girl wished for there to be no nuclear war. Now we got the blowup we should have.”

Billy grabbed for his silver dollar. “I’ll wish it all back! I’m sorry!”

“It’s too late for that, Billy,” the well said. “Your mom was here in 2006 and wished she could catch her sweetheart’s eye.”

With a final wail of helplessness, Billy and his silver dollar vanished from existence.

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May 7, 2016

From “Grasping at Papers” by Tress Graig Pappan

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Swallowing the constant propaganda
The backbone stirs from the blood
Spurious anarchy mutters all about
How do we count as true chaos
That which we cannot grasp
Pick apart basic slogans
Figure past paperback monarchs
The proud hypocrisy all support

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May 6, 2016

From “I Park For Those Who Park Themselves” by Anonymous

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And then I realized that anyone can buy those little orange cones, and that they are almost universally obeyed. So I dropped $50 on a set of eight direct from the same Chinese outfit that sells them to the DOT. Now, everywhere I go, there’s a parking spot reserved for me.

And if there isn’t, I make one.

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May 5, 2016

From “The Last Etiquette” by Lucy Y. Shantell

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Myn hated her goblin tutor, Hacta Scribbleshank, but didn’t realize the feeling was mutual until Hacta tried to kill her.

It had been another lesson in history and etiquette. Another lesson calling for Myn to squeeze herself into uncomfortable court garments. Another lesson with her tottering about in shoes made to sound pretty on polished floors rather than fit comfortably. And all the while, Hacta had been calling out facts and figures to memorize.

“Why do the boots of court dress reach the knee?” Hacta barked.

“To make people with big feet want to kill themselves?” Myn growled.

“It was imposed by the Layyians when they ruled Pexate for 50 years!” Hacta cried back.

“Then why do we keep doing it?”

Their conversation was abruptly interrupted by the sound of a cannon on the walls of Toan Castle. Two more followed, a triple blast.

“What does that mean?” said Myn, struggling to remember the lesson about cannon shots. “I know this one, I swear. It’s either the birth of an heir to the throne or welcoming a prince from a petty duchy.”

Hacta reached into her bustle and drew a slim, finely-wrought misericorde dagger. “It means the lesson is over,” she said. “I will now teach you the most important etiquette of all: how to die with dignity.”

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May 4, 2016

From “Tides of Distant Memory” by Anonymous

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Time is eddies and currents
Holding us to our path
Everything with its purpose
Maybe even all our pasts
One wave brings us forward
Then another brings us back
Let us forget, then,
Everything that
You ever meant to us
Many are the memories
And many are the tears
No one could mean more
Has it really been so long
After all it seems so soon
Sliding through time together
Maybe apart, in our current boats
Everyone’s stronger

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