[BUD BRAYER appears in a fashionable suit holding a microphone, his spray-on tan and white pompadour immaculate]

BRAYER: Hi, I’m Bud Brayer. You might remember me as the host of game shows like The Cost is Correct and Consequentiae Nec Veritas, but what I’m here to talk to you about today is no game. I would like to urge all of you viewing at home to participate in a program of spaying and neutering that will reduce population pressures and cruelty on a beloved member of our household families.

[Soft music begins to play, specifically Grasp of the Seraphim by Chana Marschall]

BRAYER: I am, of course, talking about coat hangers.

[An image of a closet jammed with coat hangers appears]

BRAYER: We all know that, when left to their own devices, coat hangers will breed ferociously, overcrowding closets with nightmarish tangles of metal. Many families, unwilling or unable to care for the hangers, are forced to abandon them, or leave them in overcrowded and underfunded shelters.

[An image of a trash can stuffed with coat hangers appears, followed by a group of forlorn hangers on a thrift store rack]

BRAYER: Excess coat hanger population also leads to horrible acts of cruelty, as the innocent hangers are used for art projects, opening car doors, and other terrible abuses.

[An image of a coat hangar unfolded and in use to open a 1989 Honda Civic is shown, followed by an image of a ramshackle papier-mâché pig with a coat hanger skeleton]

BRAYER: Feral populations of coat hangers also lead lives of deprivation and struggle, and they are often too wild to be adopted.

[An image of a feral coat hanger lying by the side of the road appears]

BRAYER: So please, I beg you: remember to have your coat hangers spayed or neutered before putting them in the closet together.

ANNOUNCER: This has been a public service announcement from PATIO, People for the Acceptable Treatment of Inanimate Objects.

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“So that was you?” said Anderson. “The messages scrawled in blood?”

“Pig’s blood, from Poledouris’s Gyros and Deli,” Annelise said. “Those Keystone Cops sent it away for tests that won’t be done for months.”

“The apparitions?”

“Smoke and mirrors, literally. Fog machine, dry ice, and a projector with an image I printed out off of the internet.”

Anderson reeled visibly. “But…why?”

“Business was slow at the paper…we were in danger of going under. Don’t you see? Everyone was as bored with it as I was, and some Scooby-Doo shit was just what we needed.”

Anderson shook his head. “Then why come to me? You could have kept going indefinitely, until you were caught.”

“Well…” Annalise said. “You know the stuff that’s been happening recently? The screaming in the old Clarke Building, the mutilated squirrels in the park, and the people being stalked by shadows?”

“Yeah?”

“That wasn’t me. I didn’t do it,” Annelise sobbed. “I’ve been faking supernatural occurrences…but now they are happening without me. inputI’m afraid that in faking all this stuff…I may have awoken something that does it for a living.”

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This post is part of the December 2013 Blog Chain at Absolute Write. This month’s prompt is “250-Word Story Chain, or, The Blog-O-Phone.”

Everyone knows that Mossfallow Wood has the best—free!—Christmas trees around. Everyone knows that once Old Man Wiggins leaves town for the month, it’s time to charge in past the no trespassing signs to claim the perfect pine and drag it home. People even camp out to nab the best shot.

As Wiggins’s F-150 trundled down the road, Cal Ostafinski revved the engine of his pickup. He had a reputation to maintain, after all, as having the largest and most well-decorated tree on his block despite his meager salary working on a Matryoshka doll assembly line.

“OSTAFINSKI TREE BREAKS NEW CITY RECORDS FOR HEIGHT, ELECTRICITY CONSUMPTION” the page-six story had said on a slow news day. Ostafinski meant to keep things that way.

A half-mile away, Beth McHugh twisted the throttle on her snowmobile with attached snowtrailer. Her children’s most recent whining was etched into her consciousness:

“Mom, we want our tree this year! We have ornaments from school that need hanging!”

“Fine, fine, fine! Bring Mommy her chainsaw and climbing spikes.”

On another side road, Alan Nussbaum gunned his Subaru with the roof rack, his conversation with his daughter fresh in his mind:

“I have to go out there early to get a tree big enough to impress everyone on the block, especially those finks Ostafinski and McHugh.”

“But Dad, we’re Jewish.”

“It’s the principle of the thing!”

And so all three charged into Mossfallow Wood, unaware of the others and of what awaited them inside.

Check out this month’s other bloggers, all of whom have posted or will post their own responses:

Ralph Pines
ishtar’sgate
Angyl78
MsLaylaCakes
pyrosama
BBBurke
sweetwheat

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The stained glass windows in the Imperial Chapel had been designed centuries ago, before the Art had been all but lost, to reflect the fortunes of the Empire. Triumphant victories, calamitous defeats, the crowning of new Emperors…they were all duly reflected in the shifting panes. The Pontifex had been silent on how he had affected such an enchantment, but the subsequent Emperors did not care. They trumpeted each feat they performed which was noted in the Chapel as “worthy of the glass” and hired artisans to copy the designs for reproduction throughout the realm once they had vanished.

In time, though, the glass began to shift. Fewer scenes were of triumph, or even of defeat; instead they showed scenes of misery and disorder from throughout the Empire and abstract visions of death and decay. The Emperors soon realized that, as the royal family and its entourage were the only ones with access to the chapel, they could easily lie about the windows’ content. As far as the populace knew, the deeds of later Emperors continued to be “worthy of the glass.”

Things came to a head with Emperor Septimus IX. He gathered an army to repulse a challenge from his half-brother for the throne, only to have the Imperial Chapel glass reflect a terrible defeat–before he had even set out. Fearful of the prophecy coming true, Septimus IX avoided open battle, conceding field after field and undermining confidence in his leadership. When the glass finally changed, appearing to predict a great victory, the Emperor triumphantly rode with his troops into battle…and a massacre. The Battle of the Three Rivers has entered the annals of Imperial history as one of the most disastrous ever fought; meeting on poor ground in a wood that prevented effective communication, the two armies all but wiped each other out, with both Emperor and usurper unhorsed and killed.

Chaos descended over the realm, until a minor noble from a cadet branch of the royal family entered the Imperial chapel and, to his surprise, found words written in the glass for the first time: LET US RULE THROUGH YOU.

As the long-ago Pontifex Maximus had neglected to mention, the Imperial chapel glass was sustained by a gestalt of the spiritual energies, the souls, of the strongest of the departed Emperors. No longer content to watch, observe, and reflect, the glass had sought and obtained total power over the realm through a series of weak puppet Emperors. Dependent on the glass’s ability to see a short distance into the future, and given succinct orders etched in blood-red translucence, these late Emperors were unworthy of the glass in the old sense–for the glass itself had become worthy in a sense.

The Empire was, in effect, ruled by the glass for the next two hundred and fifty years, until the Imperial Chapel was sacked and smashed by the Holy Successors.

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Hopewell was a college town, and any large public space in a college town is a magnet for crazies. The HPD had a reputation for being a little fascist despite the open campus policy, so repeat offenders tended to congregate at a nearby venue: the Hopewell Heights Mall.

On any given day, colorful characters abound. There’s Erica Erotica, a very prim and proper looking matron of retirement age who comes in and writes the most tawdry, sex-drenched prose in giant letters in a pink gel pen (reserving blue and other colors for her occasional “clean” writing). No one is sure what happens to the erotica once it’s penned, but theories ranging from tin-under-the-bed to lucrative-POD-publishing-on-Valkyrie.com have been advanced.

Hermit Harold sells pet hermit crabs at the behest of an absentee employer who pays his kiosk rent and salary seemingly independent of the fact that few if any crabs were ever sold. Faced with such a steady income and lack of an incentive to succeed, Hermit Harold responds by showing up to work stoned out of his gourd and making awful ribald puns on the fact that he “has crabs.”

There’s Bathroom Bessie, the 40-something sex addict (noticing a pattern here?) who is functionally homeless but uses the HHM washrooms to clean herself up before aggressively pursuing single-looking males, only stopping when she was offered “a ride home.” No one ever complained vociferously or consistently enough to bar Bathroom Bessie from the premises, though.

And who could forget the denizens of Hopewell National Forest, which abutted the property? The deer that crashed through the plate glass window to roam the mall unchecked for two weeks has become legend, as has the colony of bats that bedeviled security guards with butterfly nets for over a year.

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“Who’s this strumpet?” asks my muse as he walks into my writing den–otherwise known as the single room comprising my kitchen and living room.

Sure enough, a young woman in a duster and hat, both heavy with dust, is sitting on the couch, arms folded, and glaring bullets at me. Luckily, the revolvers heavy on her hips are loaded with strictly imaginary bullets.

“This is Virginia McNeill, the heroine of my National Novel Writing Month novel for 2013,” I say. “I’ve been toying with her as a character since 2007 and finally got her story underway this year.”

“Uh, okay, great, sure,” says my muse. “I’m very happy for you. But why is she here, on your couch, which ought to be my place of honor? I am, after all, the imagined personification of your muse, shamelessly ripped off from an author so much richer and more powerful than you that I’m surprised you haven’t been sued back to the stone age?”

“If anyone asks, you’re fair use,” I say. “Or one of Stephen King’s Dollar Babies.”

“Whatever boats your float, slick,” says my muse with a hearty belch. “Now answer the damn question. What’s Annie Oakley doing in my ass groove?”

“I’m cross at him,” says Virginia. “I don’t like how my story turned out.”

“Ohh, and the crowd is crestfallen!” crows my muse. “All those years of thinking about Virginia’s story in the shower and you whiff on it like Casey?”

“I didn’t do any such thing!” I cry.

“I beg to differ,” snorts Virginia. “I thought my characterization was trite and two-dimensional, my character arc was more like a straight line, and that more often than not you were making fun of me.”

“Sounds like she has your number, slick,” says my muse. He tosses the cowgirl a cold beer from the fridge. “Here, have a brewski.”

“I for one think her story turned out well,” I say. “Sure, there are always edits and revisions, but-”

“Did you finish it?” snaps my muse.

“-I feel that I did enough justice to the outline of the tale that-” I continue, trying to ignore the question.

“DID you FINISH it?” my muse says again with exaggerated emphasis. “That WAS your resolution, wasn’t it?”

“It’s finished enough for now,” I say airily, evading the question.

My muse rolls his eyes afresh and turns to Virginia. “Did he finish it?”

“Far as I’m concerned,” she drawls acidly, “he never started it.”

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This entry is part of the NaNo Excerpt Blog Chain 2013 at Absolute Write.

“I tell you, it’s criminal, and I know criminal.” Old Man Morrison was pacing back and forth in the dining room of the McNeill Ranch house. “I saw it when your rotten sister tried to tip my cows, I was it when the O’Callahans were rustling my cows, and I see it now.”

“I’m sure,” said Adam McNeill. Seated at his kitchen table, he had been listening to Morrison ramble for nearly an hour about problems in Prosperity Falls. Time was, Adam would have shown the old coot the door with a Remington in his face for his trouble, not least of which because he had an inkling that the Morrison’s Wonky M ranch had been quietly rustling and rebranding his cows for years now.

But in the atmosphere of fear and paranoia that now ran rampant in Prosperity Falls, Morrison was one of the few Adam could talk to without fear of recrimination.

“The militia took another one of my boys yesterday,” Morrison continued. “For ‘questioning’ as an Ide sympathizer and traitor. Jail’s packed to the gills with ’em! Rangers and the militia is doing as they please and not a soul can raise a finger to stop them.”

“I heard that they seized Scroggins’s store yesterday,” Adam added. “Just threw him into the street and took everything he had for their ‘war effort.’ Deerton’s is the only shop on Prosperity Square that’s still open, and that’s only because Marshal Strasser has them making uniforms for her Rangers and her militia.”

“Militia,” spat Morrison. “Bunch of thugs too low to pass the Ranger Trials even with the bar lowered the way Yale left it.”

“Yeah,” Adam said, thinking ruefully of how many of his ranch hands he’d lost to prison and impressment—or fleeing to Dunn’s Crossing. “Or impressed to fight against their will. I’d raise holy hell about it, or gimp downtown to do something myself, but Marshal Strasser has the City Council in her pocket. Bunch of sheep, letting themselves be led around by Sullivan when she’s just on Strasser’s leash all the same. And the woman took over Strasser Smithy and threw her own uncle out on the street—you can’t reason with a creature like that.”

“You sound like you’re about ready to yellow-belly it to Dunn’s Crossing,” said Morrison.

“No. I don’t care if half the town has gone, either. My parents worked hard to build a life here, and I’ve worked hard to keep this ranch going. Nothing’s going to get me squealing out of Prosperity Falls with my tail between my legs.”

“Not even that rotten sister of yours?” Morrison said, arching an eyebrow over one cloudy eye. “Running off to go join up with the Ide, trying to overthrow Prosperity Falls from without even as Strasser breaks it up from within?”

“Don’t you say a word against her, Morrison,” Adam snapped. “Virginia’s got a lot of my parents in her, and they didn’t always think things through either. I love her, and I trust her, and if you so much as suggest that I do things any differently, I’ll rebut you with my Remingtons.”

“All right, okay, whatever you say, Adam.” Old Man Morriosn held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Guess you’ve got more than a little of her in yourself.”

“The responsibility of running a ranch tends to bury it deep, as I’m sure you know,” Adam said. He was about to continue when a heavy knock sounded at the door.

“Dale! Jeanette!” Adam cried out to his replacement ranch hands. “Whoever that is, let them in so I can tell them to go to hell for bothering me when I’ve got company!”

Before they could do so, if they even heard the command, the front door splintered inward. Two militiamen—identifiable by their pressboard Ranger badges—entered, guns drawn. Rangers Otto Luther and Shemaiah Talbot followed, their deputy marshal badges glinting in the late-day sunshine. Behind them, Marshal Ellen Strasser. Her outfit was immaculate, and she sported her old Colt Lightning revolvers with new ivory grips and the golden mashal’s badge buffed to a fine shine.

Morrison grasped for his double-barreled shotgun, which he’d left on the kitchen table, but Adam waved him away. “Marshal Strasser,” he said. “I’m honored by your presence. You’ll forgive me if I don’t stand, but I’m sure you know my leg’s no good.”

“Adam McNeill,” Strasser said. “You’ve ignored my requisition order. The people of Prosperity Falls need your head of cattle to feed the punitive expedition the Rangers are planning into Ide country.”

“Oh, I haven’t ignored the order, Marshal Strasser,” said Adam. That much was true; he had torn it up and burned the paper. “I’m afraid I was never properly presented with it is all.”

“And yet you are sitting here, well-fed—and armed—at your table while Rangers and militia go hungry for want of beef,” said Strasser icily. “That, to me, smacks of a lack of civic virtue. Or, to be less generous, conspiracy.”

“Oh, these?” said Adam, nodding at the twin Remington model 1858 revolvers on his table. “They are heirlooms. Belonged to my parents.”

“I’m sure you are aware that the requisition order extends to personal weapons as well,” said Strasser. “Even a pair of antiques like that could be made useful. And yet you’ve chosen to hoard them.”

“I keep them loaded with a blank charge and use them to startle cattle and wake up my sister,” Adam said. “Hardly hoarding, and they’re doing me more good than they would any fool used to cartridge guns instead of cap and ball.”

“Ah yes, your sister,” said Strasser. “Virginia. A name sure to eclipse even that of Jubal Sullivan in traitorous infamy.”

“Don’t you say a word against her,” said Adam, his calm slipping a bit. “I will not have my sister, no matter what she is held to have done, slandered in my own home.”

Strasser raised her eyebrows. “Perhaps your…lethargy…in complying with my lawful requests has something to do with that? Could it be that you, too, are in league with the Ide, plotting the destruction of everything I am sworn to protect?”

“Yes, I’m sure the Ide have great need for antique guns, cattle malnourished from confiscated feed, and fighters with useless legs.”

“Perhaps you’re right,” Strasser said. She nodded curtly to her escort, who began to advance with their guns drawn. “Even so, you might be a useful tool in bringing that girl to heel. A useful example to anyone else with your same…recalcitrance… as well.”

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“Addressed to Bianca Lattimer, no return address.” I said, examining the envelope critically. “How’d it come? I don’t know any Bianca Lattimer.”

The student shrugged. “It was in your pile, I put your pile in your office.”

I shot him a poison arrow look–that’s what happens when you aren’t in charge of hiring your own office staff. “Wow, so very helpful. Take it back.”

“There’s no return address,” he said. “It’ll just end up at the dead letter office. Open it and see what’s inside.”

Ignoring him, I marched to my office, the size of a monastic cell but crammed with far more books and Chinese takeout containers. The letter sat on the corner of my desk as I graded papers for about two hours; in time, though, curiosity got the better of me and I groped for my letter opener.

The message that fell out was typed in bog-standard Times New Roman and dated midnight yesterday:

Bianca Lattimore,
We have your daughter. Bring the package to us within 48 hours of the marked date and time, or she dies. We are monitoring police scanner frequencies; any attempts to contact the authorities would be most unwise.
-SD

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“Take this here,” said Cándida, speaking to her trainee in soft Spanish so as not to disturb or be comprehended by the Anglos still sleeping off hangovers nearby. “Bed unmade, one pillow propped up, and the comforter thrown across the room to cover the air conditioner. What do you think made it like this?”

“Hm,” said Silvia. “Well, I think that maybe the gentleman wanted to read in bed, so he propped up the pillow. And it’s been warm these past few days, so he threw the comforter over there because it was too hot.”

“Maybe,” said Cándida. “But that’s awfully naive–and awfully tame. When you’ve been here awhile, you’ll see it differently. We cleaners notice things that other people don’t.”

“Well, what do you see here?” Silvia asked.

“It was a booty call, and things got so rough that he needed to put a pillow up to keep from bashing his brains out on the headboard. And he threw the comforter across the room in a fit of passion–or, more likely, to make his pretty little girlfriend think it was passion, which would make her less likely to tell her husband about it.”

“Does everyone who works here get that cynical?” said Silvia, beginning to gingerly pull the sheets off the hotel bed.

“Sooner or later,” said Cándida. “But I’m sure that my version is the right one.”

A knock at the door interrupted her. “Hey, can I tiptoe in?” said the Anglo lady standing there. “I forgot my book.”

Silvia folded her arms and gave Cándida a self-satisfied look as the woman retrieved a novel from the bedside drawer nearest the propped up pillow.

“Come on, honey! It can’t be called sex on the beach if the tide has come in!” Another Anglo, this one in a bikini and thong, was at the door.

“Coming, honey!” The other woman skipped off carrying her book, leaving Cándida with an expression that was half-surprised, half-smug.

“Let’s call that one a draw,” said Silvia.

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The loneliest people ever accosted by bright lights and blaring sounds
Flow about me like a river, borne in currents of cheap tobacco smoke
Either window dressing or bad luck, they bark at me for losses
Blame the interloper, not the machine designed for soft bankruptcy
I dare not pull the lever myself, even as the lights twinkle and sing
For the dead eyes I see at every turn, the listless mechanisms of loss
Were they once as wary as I, before beckoned into the neon arms
Sure that just one pull, just twenty dollars, would be the end of it?

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