[BUD BRAYER appears in a fashionable suit holding a microphone, his spray-on tan and white pompadour immaculate]

BRAYER: Hi, I’m Bud Brayer. You might remember me as the host of game shows like The Cost is Correct and Consequentiae Nec Veritas, but what I’m here to talk to you about today is no game. I would like to urge all of you viewing at home to participate in a program of spaying and neutering that will reduce population pressures and cruelty on a beloved member of our household families.

[Soft music begins to play, specifically Grasp of the Seraphim by Chana Marschall]

BRAYER: I am, of course, talking about coat hangers.

[An image of a closet jammed with coat hangers appears]

BRAYER: We all know that, when left to their own devices, coat hangers will breed ferociously, overcrowding closets with nightmarish tangles of metal. Many families, unwilling or unable to care for the hangers, are forced to abandon them, or leave them in overcrowded and underfunded shelters.

[An image of a trash can stuffed with coat hangers appears, followed by a group of forlorn hangers on a thrift store rack]

BRAYER: Excess coat hanger population also leads to horrible acts of cruelty, as the innocent hangers are used for art projects, opening car doors, and other terrible abuses.

[An image of a coat hangar unfolded and in use to open a 1989 Honda Civic is shown, followed by an image of a ramshackle papier-mâché pig with a coat hanger skeleton]

BRAYER: Feral populations of coat hangers also lead lives of deprivation and struggle, and they are often too wild to be adopted.

[An image of a feral coat hanger lying by the side of the road appears]

BRAYER: So please, I beg you: remember to have your coat hangers spayed or neutered before putting them in the closet together.

ANNOUNCER: This has been a public service announcement from PATIO, People for the Acceptable Treatment of Inanimate Objects.

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