“I’m not a citizen,” Myassa said. “Kinda funny to think about it, but all I ever had was a green card. I was kind of hoping to get naturalized, but I never got around to it. My brothers are, of course, since they were born in Detroit. I was supposed to be born there too, but I was early. They have–had–a good hospital in Damascus, but you don’t get citizenship for being born there.”
March 13, 2017
From “Early” by Myassa al-Thurayya
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March 12, 2017
From “Amid Neptunian Clouds” by Neil Aptman
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“No data was recovered from your skimmer,” Tallow said. “Nothing but you, and that’s a miracle in and of itself.”
“Are we still in atmo?” cried Remy. “Please tell me we’ve left.”
“No, of course not,” said Tallow. “This is a class three skimmer, it’s not capable of breaking atmo. We’re a few days out from Neptune Central Station, we can transfer you to a trans-atmo skiff there.”
“You don’t understand,” cried Remy. “The flux is still scrambling your communications. She’s still out there.”
“She? Your skimmer had an all-male crew, if I’m reading this manifest correctly.”
“We never saw more than shadows,” Remy said. “Shadows in the clouds. But there’s no other way to describe what we saw.”
“Another skimmer? Maybe a crew member from an illegal claim jumper?”
“To see it from lower atmo like that…no, no,” Remy said. “She would have had to be as big as a cruiser, or a continent. Maybe that’s why she never came close…the atmo is too thin…”
Tallow shook her head. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.” Behind her, a shadow of humanoid and vaguely feminine shape reared beneath the Neptunian clouds.
The second-to-last thing Tallow heard was Remy screaming.
March 11, 2017
From “Dogwarts School of Barkcraft and Sniffery” by Ron Jon Wakeling
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The four kennels of the legendary Dogwarts School are:
Wigglebutts
Founded by the powerful dog Muffin Wigglebutt, Wigglebutt Kennel prides itself on nurturing pups with the traits of howlery, digger, powerful noses, and tail-chasing.
Snufflepups
The work of famous 15th-century dog Brutus Snufflepup, Snufflepups kennels nurtures the virtues of hard bark, coming when called, being a good dog, loyalty, and playing with balls.
Ravenpaws
Famous dog Mitzi Ravenpaw made her name by hunting birds, and her kennel therefore prizes obedience, knowledge, sitting, and of course birding.
Shitindoores
Smoochums Shitindoor is known among dogs for his controversial insistance that dogs knew better than their masters where, when, and how to poop. His kennel is therefore dedicated to tha art of defecation, making messes, running, and sneaky eating of kleenexes stolen from the trash.
March 10, 2017
From “The CleggsList Ad” by Anonymous
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CleggsList Post
Category:
Jobs/Skilled Trades and Crafts
Seeking someone with experience in spirits that are disturbed. Looking specifically for someone with practical tips on banishment/exorcism, preferably with non-denominational rituals. Must bring your own padding. Pay is commensurate with results, but am willing to pay for partial success. If you can get rid of just the moaning or just the flying stuff, I’m still interested. Inbox for details.
March 9, 2017
From “∏KEA Fall Catalog 2017” by Blythe Hilson
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PAÜNCHY Armchair
Sink in deep and slouch to your heart’s content in modular style. Available in mustard, burgundaise, kellygreen, and camouflage colors/prints.
BØB Lamp
Named for the designer’s sister’s roommate’s cat, the BØB perfectly captures a Stockholmian’s ideal of rural America with its beer can shape.
HERMES Bookshelf
Our cheapest model, and one that will provide days if not weeks of solid service before disintegrating. Made from the finest reclaimed Somali tank seats.
BICKERSBY Outdoor End Table
Nothing says sophistication like our BICKERSBY line, and nothing says sophisticate like leaving a pressboard end table out in the rain.
OXBUNCH Decorative Sculpture
The vision of acclaimed interior designer Njord, this fifth-dimensional figure will make everyone an art critic.
KNUDSBORG Bed
Everyone knows: when you need to get in bed, you want to get KNUD and then BORGed!
March 8, 2017
From “Get Rid of Hydroxyl Acid with the Natrium Chloride Purge” by Blythe Hilson
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THE DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE CLEANSE
Through the simple application of our patented* halite-derived natrium chloride cleanse, you can purge your body of dangerous over-concentrations of hydroxyl acid!
Did you know that hydroxyl acid over-concentrations can lead to:
-weight gain
-overactive bladder
-loss of appetite
-death (at high doses)?
Your body naturally accumulates hydroxyl acid from the surrounding environment! Big business and the fat cats in Washington don’t want you to know about the simple cleansing power of natrium chloride!
For the low cost of only $19.99 per packet, we will send you natrium chloride crystals that you can use as part of a full-blown hydroxyl acid purge or just a daily cleanse. Just mix it into your drink, sprinkle it on some food, or eat the crystals as they are to start gaining the benefits!
March 7, 2017
From “Cutter vs. Oven” by Anonymous
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March 6, 2017
From “The First Murders” by Anonymous
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March 5, 2017
From “Discount Pokemon” by Dunston Pomiecko
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Laundreon
Evolves from Hamperchu, evolves into Dryerio
Pidgeomite
Evolves from Squibsquab, evolves into TNTeagle
Brasshopper
Evolves from Zincaterpillar, evolves into Magnetsquito
Flubug
Evolves from Coldeon, evolves into Pandemeon
Skeleking
Evolves from Ostearl, evolves into Emperictus
Potatoad
Evolves from Spudiwog, evolves into Masholotl
March 4, 2017
From “A Pisstery” by Ty Preiss
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“What do you mean, it’s a pisstery?” said Bill.
“Well, the drug test came back clean…but it also says that you’re a woman,” said Dr. Carruthers.
Bill looked away, blushing.
“So either you’re undergoing a spontaneous sex change, or you smuggled in some urine that isn’t yours,” Carruthers continued. “As I said before, quite the pisstery.”
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 