December 14, 2014

From “Welcome to the World Santa Federation” by Atlas Cunas

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |
[3] Comments 

Dear New Low-Card Santa,

Let me be the first to welcome you to the World Santa Federation! You’ve just joined a fraternity that’s dedicated to the performing art of Professional Clausing™, people that Claus for love of the game and for hardcore fans of Clausing everywhere. I’d like to take this opportunity to share with you a few pieces of information and advice:

1. “Kayfabe” is our term for maintaining a sense of reality and willing suspension of disbelief about our performances. We do not break kayfabe in the WSF. Let me say that again: WE DO NOT BREAK KAYFABE IN THE WSF. When in costume, you will be expected to hold to the notion that you are the one, the only, the indisputable Santa Claus. Where this is not possible, as in the case of older children and multi-performer Clausing events, you will be expected to maintain that you are a magical helper fully bonded and licensed by the one, the only, the indisputable Santa Claus. Breaking kayfabe is grounds for immediate and irrevocable expulsion from the WSF. Keep in mind that you are also expected to maintain kayfabe if recognized when out of costume, so always be ready for some fun improvisational Clausing, even in June.

2. Breaking kayfabe is allowable in the WSF under the following circumstances only:
– Legitimate injury requiring medical treatment.
– Physical violence or threats of violence by non-WSF individuals.
– Other circumstances authorized in writing by the WSF.

3. Let me be clear about one thing: nobody goes straight from amateur Clausing to the 34th Street Macy’s right away. WSF membership offers you the benefits of our promotional network and negotiated pay scale, but make no mistake: you will be starting as a low-card, the bottom rung of the ladder, and will be expected to work your way up. Expect to Claus in small-town stores, Wal-Marts, and private functions. If you do well at these, more opportunities like small shopping centers and suburban mall anchor stores will open up. Eventually, you might work your way up to the level of Gilner “Krampusbane” Kirks or Lian “Zwarte Klaüs” Atchisson–but don’t count on it. And hey, if low-card or mid-card Clausing is all you want to do, great! The WCF is nothing without talented people Clausing at all levels.

4. You may choose your own team of elves and a Mrs. Claus, but keep in mind that they must be members of our affiliates WEF and WMCF respectively, and offered WEF/WMCF scale pay and benefits as appropriate. Refer to your handbook for the formula on which events and venues the WCF will compensate you for elf/Mrs. Claus use and which we will not. Remember that WEF/WMCF members are strictly prohibited from Clausing themselves; they are not substitutes. Similarly, appearing as an elf or Mrs. Claus yourself will be considered a break of kayfabe and grounds for immediate dismissal.

5. Costume rental or purchase are at your discretion; WCF members qualify for discounts from most major suppliers. If you choose to go off-brand, keep in mind that costuming of you, your elves, and your Mrs. Claus must meet WCF standards or you risk WCF sanctions for breaking kayfabe. The same goes for set dressing and props.

Again, let me renew my welcome. You’ve made the right decision by going pro with the WCF and we’re here to help you with your Clausing experience at every step of the way. Wherever your Professional Clausing™ journey begins and ends, the WCF is right behind you.

Sincerely,
Atlas Cunas
Founder and CEO, World Santa Federation

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

December 11, 2014

From “The Existence Runner” by Terrence Thuesen Nix

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Dilcher “Pipkin” Kidd had worked for the Internal Revenue Service as an auditor for nearly two years when his employers realized that he did not exist.

This fact came to light during a routine background check in the auditing department–an audit of the auditors, as it were. Pipkin Kidd’s file was found to contain a number of impossibilities, from his bizarrely unlikely name to his even more bizarrely unlikely nickname to his place of birth in a town that had been swallowed by the sea 100 years ago. The inconsistencies were too legion and too flagrant to be mere forgeries or mistakes; the IRS auditor general came to the inescapable conclusion, as did his colleagues, that Pipkin Kidd simply could not exist.

As a result, the auditor general called Kidd into his office and confronted him with the evidence of his non-existence. Kidd, unable to argue, obligingly ceased to exist at that very moment.

A thorough review of the case by special agents of the federal offices of inspectors general found no wrongdoing; as Kidd had not existed, no one could be held liable for his cessation of existence but himself. Furthermore, the inspectors general found that people like Kidd who did not exist constituted a security threat–they could be blackmailed, or maliciously cease to exist at inopportune moments.

The IRS therefore conducted a thorough existence audit and found 14 other employees, ranging from mailroom clerks to the Undersecretary of the Decimals and Fractions office. Each was duly confronted with the fact of their nonexistence, ceased to exist, and was replaced. Alarmed, the government instituted procedures to broaden the scope of the audit and began a program of thorough existence testing at regular intervals, as hiring procedures did not allow for such screening.

Critics decried this as the most vicious form of discrimination, but as the people so discriminated against did not exist, the Supreme Court upheld the decision (in a landmark case that led to three counsels ceasing to exist in chambers). In the years since, non-existence has become more difficult to prove, and accusing someone directly cannot be done without a thorough paper trail. In turn, people worried that they might be non-existent (existential crises do not seem to have the same effect as a direct accusation backed by proof) have taken to increasingly elaborate means to protect and disguise themselves.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

December 4, 2014

From “A Brief History of Blood Vowels” by Dr. Ivy Slothower

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |
[5] Comments 

What do many words using Y and W instead of proper vowels have in common? They’re Welsh, of course. Wales was systematically looted of its vowels after its conquest to feed the English hunger for unnecessary vowelery after the French fashion. That’s right, the “u” in “colour” doesn’t just make its natural pronunciation “coh-lure,” it’s also a blood vowel stolen from a people so vowel-poor that they had to scrape by with Y and W.

Yes, the vowel-mines of Wales were long the envy of English monarchs, as England itself exhausted its own vowel reserves during the ongoing and debilitating Shouting Wars against France. The Welsh at first were able to simply sell their vowels to an England anxious to be able to match French words like “eau” or “nouveau.” English looting and purchase of vowels was so prevalent that even the last leader of Wales, Llywelyn, was forced to make do with a single vowel in his name while his English conqueror, Edward, has two.

England is not alone in the exploitative harvesting of vowels. French and Italian vowels mines, long the most productive in the world, had all but run out by the 1700s, forcing them to look elsewhere. For a time the French were able to import vowels taken from North America by force or trade, but with the cession of their vowel-rich territory of Quebec, they were forced to look elsewhere. That somewhere was Poland, which was rich in vowel mines but had been undergoing a language crisis since looting the Ottoman camp at the Siege of Vienna, as Ottoman Turkish was at the time written without vowels altogether.

As a result, Poland was partitioned, with the lion’s share of the territory going to the Russian Empire. With no need for Poland’s Latin vowels, having their own Cyrillic vowel mines deep in the Urals, the Russians instead exploited Polish vowels for export, selling them to the French and Italians. Napoleon Bonaparte invaded Russia to guarantee his vowel supply, as he needed eight vowels to say his own name alone, and a steady supply of Polish blood vowels were guaranteed in the later French-Russian alliance. All the while, Poland was so looted of vowels that they had to make do with words like “wszystko” and “cześć.” The downtrodden Polish made creative use of diacritics to make up for their looted syllabary, but their vowel mines were ultimately entirely depleted.

Of course, Americans are not blameless. The constant insertion of British-style blood vowels into words to make them seem sophisticated is a constant bane, and many of the blood vowels so used now come from Africa, where once vowel-rich places like Ouagadougou are now exploited for foreign sale by warlords.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

December 1, 2014

From “The Muse’s Revelation” by Altos Wexan

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

The personification of my creative muse hasn’t budged from my couch in 30 days. His give-up-on-life pants are earning their name ten times over, while his stained t-shirt is not officially holier than the Vatican thanks to ash burns. If assembled into a pyramid, the mountain of been cans nearby would have contained so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it, and 22 immigrant laborers would likely have died during its construction.

“Well,” he says. “I kept my part of the bargain. How did your attempt to write a fantasy novel AND serve as a municipal liaison for National Novel Writing Month go?”

“Bleargh,” I reply.

“As I thought,” my muse cackles. “You stretched yourself too thin.”

“Buh. Sneh.”

“Look at that,” my muse says. “You can’t even muster the creative juices to respond in plain English.”

“Brain hurts,” I say. “Stop with talky-talky.”

“Only once I’m through gloating,” my muse snaps. Rousing himself, he peels off the couch leaving a shadow not unlike the kind you’d find after an atomic blast. Stumbling over to my computer, he clears away the detritus of frenzied creation and moderation (the internet forum kind, not the doing-less-of-things kind).

“No read-y,” I croak in what sounds about halfway between a hiccup and a sneeze. “No edited.”

Ignoring me, my muse peruses the work. “Huh,” he says. “I’ll give you this: you made it further than I thought you would.”

I don’t respond, and looking over he sees why: I’m passed out in a puddle of my own drool.

“It’s a good thing you’re not conscious to hear this,” my muse adds. “But even with all the stuff that went wrong, I’ve read worse. By you.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

November 30, 2014

From “The State Anti-Pokémon Dueling Law” by Anonymous

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , |
Leave a Comment 

§ P013M01/1. Arrest of person about to engage in Pokémon, Bakugan, or Yu-Gi-Oh duel; peace bond

A person subject to this code who fights, promotes, or is concerned in or connives at fighting a Pokémon, Bakugan, or Yu-Gi-Oh blood duel or who, having knowledge of a challenge sent or about to be sent, fails to report the fact promptly to the proper authority shall be punished as a the law directs.

Any person, being about to violate the provisions of this chapter against Pokémon, Bakugan, or Yu-Gi-Oh blood dueling, may be arrested, and be required by any conservator of the peace to surrender their Pokémon, Pokéballs, or other paraphanalia to keep the peace and not violate the law against blood dueling for the period of two years. In default of such, they shall be dealt with as provided in other cases of security to keep the peace, and all the provisions of the statute on that subject shall apply to bail as herein provided for.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

November 26, 2014

From “I Choose You, Nemean Lion-chu!” by Kenneth G. Lim

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

“And so Hercules had to make up for his behavior with twelve labors,” I read.

“What were they, Dad?” Sean asked, leaning forward a bit under his blankets.

“Slay the Nemean Lion. Slay the nine-headed Lernaean Hydra. Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis. Capture the Erymanthian Boar…” As usual, The Big Book of Greek Mythology wasn’t helping my attempts at educating the boy through bedtime stories. Did anyone but a classics scholar even know what half of those adjectives meant?”

“Wow, Dad, that sounds really…boring,” yawned Sean. “I catch Pokémon with cooler names than that all the time.”

“Hahaha,” I laughed in a really fake laugh. “Good catch, Sean. Those were just fakes to make sure you were paying attention. The real labors were much, much cooler.”

“Like what?”

“Ah…the capturing of the Nemean MissingNo with the Golden Pokéball, for one,” I said.

“Oh wow!” Sean said. “You can’t get that one without hacking!”

“And neither could Hercules,” I said. “He also had to slay the, uh, nine-headed Creeper of Craftmine, which grew another head every time it exploded.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

November 14, 2014

From “The Technicult’s Screed” by Cindi Sutcliffe Luchetti

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Statement from The Church of the Anti-Machine technicult on their disruption of the Southern Michigan University Fighting Grizzlies – University of Northern Mississippi Fighting Abolitionists in the second quarter of the GesteCo Bowl football game in Westchester Repeating Arms stadium as broadcast on NBS Television:

MACHINES and INVENTION only DISTANCE humankind from the EARTH and TRUE SPIRITUALITY
It was DECREED by the FOUNDER of the Church of the Anti-Machine that the DEVIL’S DAY has already come
That day was JANUARY 1, 1800, the day our FOUNDER saw the DEVIL and his LEGIONS at work
Through the miracle of ASTRAL PROJECTION TIME TRAVEL our FOUNDER saw the EVIL of the past from 2002
How MACHINES and INVENTION have done the DEVIL’S WORK since JANUARY 1, 1800
RISE UP against the EVILS of MACHINES and INVENTION and SHUN anything created after DEVIL’S DAY
THAT IS WHY we stopped your FOOT-BALL GAME from being SEEN
TELEVISION, FOOT-BALL, and THE INTER-NET are all DEVIL’S WORK from after DEVIL’S DAY
We bore our FLINTLOCKS and TORCHES against them for your SALVATION
Take up your own and JOIN US

Signed,
Henri Nucci Chatham
Primate, The Church of the Anti-Machine

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

November 5, 2014

From “Announceritis 2: Electric Boogaloo” by Austin Corinne

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

“So, Sean,” said the day shift manager at Hopewell Tri-County Airport. “I understand that you have been making our airport announcements for third shift for some time now?”

“That’s right,” Sean said.

“And are you aware of any…complaints…regarding the content or tone of your announcements during that time?”

“Not a one,” said Sean.

“Uh-huh.” The day shift manager said. “I’d like to read some feedback that I have gotten, if I may. ‘I was greatly confused when your airport announcer said that Flight 1066 to Brussels was departing from the vegan restaurant on Concourse A.’ ‘I heard that all cars parked in the structure after midnight would be subject to towing by a pair of angels armed with grappling hooks, but I did not find this to be the case.’ Shall I go on?”

“I’m sure I don’t know what they’re talking about,” Sean said. “People get a little loopy after midnight, don’t they?”

“Ah, I see.” The day shift manager did his best to keep a poker face but a vein could be seen quietly throbbing on the side of his large and domed forehead. “I have in my inbox, in addition to those complaints, a recording of an announcement made last month someone took on their cellular telephone. If you don’t mind, I’d like to play it for you to see if it jars anything loose, memory-wise.”

“Please do,” said Sean.

“Attention passengers for Edinburgh,” said what was unmistakably Sean’s voice, wavering as if besotted and filtered through a cell phone’s tinny speaker. “I regret to inform you that, due to black magic, your pilots have timed out and turned into lemurs. Columbia Airlines apologizes for the inconvenience but will be unable to provide lodgings during the estimated 97-hour wait before we can take off.”

“I don’t know who that is, or where it was recorded, but they clearly need to lay off the sauce,” said Sean earnestly.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

November 2, 2014

From “The Xenophiles Club” by Pollux Eichbens

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

At first the raid appeared to have uncovered a brothel like any other, but it soon became apparent from the subsequent investigation by the London Metropolitan Police that the establishment, known underground as “The Xenophiles Club,” catered exclusively to extraterrestrial tastes. The initial confusion stemmed from the apprehension of six Betelgeusian shapeshifters, who attempted to pass themselves off as call girls before running out of stamina and reverting to their natural gelatinous forms in custody.

In total, the raid uncovered 12 Centaurians, 8 Barnardians, 2 Wolf 359ians, 17 Sirians, and 29 Greys (a nomadic race who our devoted readers will remember has no known homeworld) in addition to the aforementioned Betelgeusians. Xenophilia of this nature is of course punishable by law under several acts of Parliament, including the Formic Statute 1533 (better known as the Bugger Act), the Offenses against the Planet Act 1861, and the Interstellar Criminal Law Amendment Act 1885.

The names and affiliations of those arrested in connection with what is already being called the “Jupiter Street Scandal” have not yet been released, but sources within the London Metropolitan Police have confirmed that they include at least five members of the House of Lords, six life peers, and several of London’s most prominent mercantile heads.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

November 1, 2014

From “The Muse’s Prediction” by Altos Wexan

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

“I’ve got you now.” The personification of my creative muse, wearing give-up-on-life pants and what might once have been a t-shirt, is lounging on my couch while ignoring the cigar ash and drops of cheap beer accumulating on what passed for his clothing.

“I wasn’t under the impression that ‘getting’ me was your goal,” I say. “Aren’t you, as ever, an appropriation of a concept used by Stephen King (without permission) to give form to my creative angst during National Novel Writing Month?”

“No.” My muse takes a deep drag and a deep sip before continuing. “I’m also a personification of your fear of creative failure and occasional reminder that you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. And I’ve got you this year.”

“How’s that?” I say defensively. “This year I’m writing a fantasy novel, going for something that’s not at least quasi-realistic for the first time. That’s practically my normal mode, my comfort zone.”

“Yes, but you’re also signed up as a municipal liaison. Officially this time, with real responsibilities and stuff, and not the half-assed kind of quasi-ML you were before. You think there’s enough time in the day for a full-time job, finishing what promises to be another 100,000-word novel, and supervising a bunch of other writers and events? Especially considering you’ll be arriving back from a trip to France one day before November starts?” My muse laughs a bitter laugh.

“We’ll see,” I say in return. “Being an ML could energize me.”

“Or it could leave you a dried-out husk, as dead on the inside as on the outside, so dessicated that Egyptian mummies will look at you askance and say ‘what the Helios happened to that guy?'”

“We shall see, my friend,” I say. “We shall see.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

« Previous Page — Next Page »