May 5, 2014

From “Minosians Against Magickal Abuse” by Natalie J. H. Able

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My fellow Minosians, no one can deny that the Magick-Industrial Revolution has made our fair city a more technologically advanced and wealthy place to live. Life has never been easier with sorcery now available to all from the haughtiest hierophants at the Temple of Clohl to the most miserable congregants gnawing on day-old holocaustberry pies at a Savage Pie Hole franchise. Nevertheless, I must call upon our fair city to turn a keener eye to the effect that the rampant and unrestrained use of magicks has had on our environment.

But the soot caused by the Incantation of EverFire can only be removed with crushed Essence of Diamondroot, which is rare and expensive. Smog and soot from cantrips like Coldburn, Major/Minor Heat Liquid, and Illuminate Self chokes our skies and our streets with purple eggplant soup fog. Familiars from the Dimension of Magick have been turned loose and now breed feral and wild, displacing our native fauna–and we all know about the choking swarms of Hellweed that follow upon the improper disposal of material components imported from the Dimension of Infernis.

Those of us who are of like minds in confronting these challenges have formed Minosians Against Magickal Abuse (MAMA). We meet once a fortnight at the original Savage Pie Hole location in the Ragpicker’s Quarter. Look for our broadside, and ask yourself whether or not a Minosia in which you can see the sky even on a day when the winds are not right is something worth striving for.

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April 27, 2014

From “The Wonderful Net” by Fulton Wender

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“This is Sqeeeck-Chirp, a Common Dolphin and the greatest mind of his generation. Of dolphins.” Professor Ettinger gestured to a harness about the creature’s blowhole. “We use that device to translate Sqeeeck-Chirp’s thoughts and vocalizations into speech understandable to us and vice-versa.

“What observations have you to share, Sqeeeck-Chirp?” asked Brigadier Curnow.

The dolphin received the question as a series of underwater clicks, and responded in kind. A moment later, a synthetic human voice translated his words in an even monotone. “The tuna is a true fish dwelling in salt water, which is a member of the mackerel, or Scrombridae, family–specifically the Thunnini tribe. Its nearest living relatives are the aforementioned mackerels, Spanish mackerels, and bonitos.”

Brigadier Curnow nodded. “Very impressive, Squeeck-Chirp. I see you know your stuff. What about the strategic situation?”

“The tuna is able to maintain the temperature of its body above that of the surrounding seawater, a process known as endothermy,” Squeeck-Chirp continued gravely. “The bluefin tuna has been known to hold a core body temperature of 75–90 degrees Fahrenheit even in waters as chilled as 40 degrees Fahrenheit, though unlike most typical animals capable of endothermy, like myself, the tuna does not and cannot maintain its core body temperature within a narrow range.”

Curnow looked at Professor Ettinger, confused. “What’s he on about?”

“Oh, God, not this again,” the professor muttered.

Unfazed by the reaction to his elucidation, Squeeck-Chirp continued to expound. “The tuna is able to display such endothermy by using a structure called the rete mirabile, the ‘wonderful net,’ which is an interwoven network of veins and arteries in the tuna’s extremities. This allows the tuna to warm the colder arterial blood with heat from the warmer venous blood, which helps to conserve the tuna’s metabolic heat even in a chilled environment.”

“What do you mean, ‘not again?'” demanded Curnow.

“As a result of its endothermy, the tuna is able to heat its aerobic muscle tissues,” Squeeck-Chirp said. “In addition to faster speeds and increased energy efficiency, this leads the tuna’s lean and delicious flesh to have a reddish-pink hue quite distinct from the pale white flesh of most true fish. This is one of several factors that has led tuna to be considered a delicacy amongst many peoples and cultures despite the relative difficulty of catching one without a trawling net.”

“Well, I had hoped to avoid this, but dolphins like Squeeck-Chirp represent a bit of a tradeoff,” said Ettinger. “On the one hand, they possess a vast and keen intellect that is capable of approaching problems in ways that we humans are simply not wired to. On the other, it is extremely difficult to get them to shut up about tuna and other finfish, since that has been, for centuries, the sole topic upon which their vast intellects have ruminated.”

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April 21, 2014

From “Fantasy Baseball” by Jacelyn “Bali Mojo” Marina

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CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and we are live at the fifth game of the Continental League baseball series between the Salem Sluggers and the Dunwich Decadents.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, wondering why it is that you and I seem to be calling virtually all the games in these series.

CARL: It’s true that we’ve called a lot of games recently; it could be a reflection of our practiced and Pavlovian patter, useful in providing white noise to those asleep in the stands or at home.

TOM: That’s right, Carl; either that, or we are just a pair of artificial intelligences not unlike those in sports-based video games, long ago shed of any mortal shells and doomed to an eternal digital purgatory of relating inane and useless information to people too tired or drunk to care.

CARL: Hell of a way to live, Tom.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Hell of a way to live.

CARL: Looks like the Salem Sluggers are going to try and put another man on base. That’s Proctor at bat for the Sluggers with Carter on the mound for the Decadents. There’s the pitch, an inside fastball.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Proctor looks like…yes, he’s charging his bat with infernal fire. Looks like he’s going to go for this one with all the dark powers at his disposal! Smart move of his, waiting until the ball was live to reveal what kind of blackest magicks he’d use on this pitch.

CARL: Especially after Corey was struck out by Pickman two innings ago, when the Decadents caused a gibbering mass of writhing tentacles from a place where man dare not tread to spring forth from the outfield to swallow Corey’s ball possessed by the spirit of his familiar.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. In that circumstance, I’d have used a broomstick ball instead of a familiar foul. Much better against the Decadents’ Gibbous Grab. In the meantime, Proctor’s hellfire ball is up, up, and away! It looks like one of the Decadent outfielders has just sacrificed the living soul of a teammate to summon a night-gaunt to pursue and ensnare the ball in its faceless, rubbery maw.

CARL: The Decadents’ outfielders–well, except for left field, who is now a soulless and decayed husk–are in place to catch the ball if the night-gaunt extinguishes and fields it, but…it’s no good! It’s out of here! Home run for the Sluggers!

TOM: That’s right, Carl. It looks like a bench-clearing bewitchment from Proctor’s teammates that got the ball past…but they may have unleashed more than they bargained for. The fans are not happy about this, they are not happy, and they are showing it by throwing it.

CARL: A reminder to our viewers at home that tonight is Ten Cent Potion Night here at Arkham Stadium, and many of the fans are well over the stated limit of six potions per person, and they are throwing those excess potions onto the field. It looks like we have a sentient grass monster in the center outfield, and the Sluggers’ shortstop has just been turned into a newt. Things are about to get ugly.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is fantasy baseball with the Continental League, Arcane division.

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April 19, 2014

From “Civil War Resources” by Tom Austgen

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“Welcome to the lecture on civil war resources. I know you are all anxious to get started, but there are a few ground rules to go over first. First, there is a lot of debate over whether civil conflicts are caused by peoples who are opposed in ethnic, religious, or other societal affiliations, or because of economic self-interest for the individuals or groups who might start them, from either a capitalist or Marxist viewpoint? Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. So long as you can gather a base of support from which to gather supporters, it doesn’t matter if said base is ethnic, religious, social, or economic.Organization is important. Using a cell-based structure, with communication by intermediaries only, is essential to keeping your nascent civil war from being crushed; it also prevents the capture of a single cell or individual from collapsing the entire war. Arming your troops is also important, as I’m assuming that most of you will not be fighting on the government side in these civil wars! Ambushing transports and raiding lightly-guarded arms depots are the best means of securing large number of military-grade weapons…”

“Um…sir?”

“Yes, what is it?”

“I thought this lecture was about finding historical resources on the, you know, actual Civil War. In America.”

“What? Why would anyone do that? That Civil War is over and done with! It’s yesterday’s news! It’s far more relevant and contemporary to start your own civil war, as I’m sure you’ll agree.”

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April 18, 2014

From “The Three Unforgivable Grades” by Joline Rangnow

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PROFESSOR CRAZIRIS: Which of you can tell me how many Unforgivable Grades there are?

STUDENT: Three sir.

CRAZIRIS: And they are so named?

STUDENT: Because they are unforgivable. Use of any one of them will…

CRAZIRIS: …will be on your permanent record and all transfers forever, repealed by neither extra credit nor retaking the class nor bribing the provost. Correct. Now the chancellor says you’re too young to see what these grades do. I say different! You need to know what you’re up against, you need to be prepared! So, which curse shall we see first? YOU! Give us a curse.

STUDENT: Well, my dad did tell me about one…the Malattendance Grade.

CRAZIRIS: Ah yes, your father would know all about that. Gave the university quite a bit of grief a few years ago. The Malattendance Grade is reserved for the most tardy, the most truant, the most incorrigible class-cutters. They all say they have good reasons for missing class. But here’s the rub, how do we sort out the liars? Another…another…!

STUDENT: There’s the…um…the Plagiaristic Pass-Fail.

CRAZIRIS: Correct! Correct! Particularly nasty. The plagiarism grade. Rip off another student’s paper, copy the answers for a test, or buy one of those wretched essays online…either way, your more egregious cases of taking what isn’t yours and turning it in will get you this Unforgivable Grade. And despite the word “pass” in its name, the only “passing” you’ll be going is on the carriageway. Will someone give us the last Unforgivable Curse?

STUDENT: I can’t say it…it’s too awful…

CRAZIRIS: The Canoodling Curse. This is the sort of thing that will get both you and your professor Unforgivably Graded. Have a professor try to trade canoodling for a better grade, or make the offer yourself, and you’d earned yourself a one-way ticket. Only one person’s academic career is known to have survived it. And they’re sitting in this room…

This parody is inspired by and contains material adapted from the screenplay for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by Steve Kloves. No infringement is intended or implied beyond its status as a parody.

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April 9, 2014

From “EvilCo Henchman Evaluation 2014” by Valencia Mahon Hunte

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EvilCo Annual Employee Evaluation Form

Employee Name: Chris [redacted]
Job Title: Henchman 1
Reviewer: Lord Deathness, Vice-President for Henchmen and Lackeys

General Quality of Work:
Chris [redacted] has performed poorly during the survey period and has not met the standards expected of an EvilCo employee in the Henchman 1 position.

Dependability:
Mr. [redacted] has proven to be extremely unreliable. His unit of henchmen were ordered to lay down their lives to delay the Alpha Squad on no less than four separate occasions, and Chris [redacted] has always managed to return alive rather than being born gloriously anew in the EvilCo cloning tanks.

Job Knowledge:
While Chris [redacted] possesses the necessary proficiency in laser weaponry to fire madly at the dastardly Alpha Squad, he refuses to obey the marksmanship principles outlined in the handbook and actually fires his weapon aimed from the shoulder rather than the hip. I have also caught him attempting to blow up Alpha Squad jets in such a way that the pilot cannot parachute to safety, an unforgivable lapse in judgement.

Communication Skills:
Chris [redacted] is unconscionable in questioning the directives of his EvilCo betters. He routinely asserts that our Grand Leader’s plans for global domination are too convoluted to succeed, and is unusually concerned with our revenue stream and how we can afford to throw vast sums of men and treasure at the Grand Leader’s most flamboyant whims.

Achievement of Goals:
None of the goals set out for Chris [redacted] have been met this year. He has consistently failed to obey without question, lay down his life, and play by the long-established rules governing the conflict between EvilCo and Alpha Squad. I’ve even caught him making plans for new and “more successful” evil plots using nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons (or the threat thereof).

Overall:
I am forced to recommend that Chris [redacted] be removed from his Henchman 1 position as soon as is feasible. In accordance with EvilCo’s severance package, he will be given three months’ salary and his brain will be implanted in a Mecha-Horror.

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April 5, 2014

From “1-800-ZOM-BIES” by Deidre Hogen Hunt

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Do you think you may have been the victim of a homicide?

Did you wake up recently in a morgue or crematorium?

Was that accident you walked away from definitely not survivable?

These and more are warning signs of zombification. Despite evidence to the contrary, our state teaches an abstinence-only form of zombie education, and that leaves many people having their first experience with zombification vulnerable and frightened.

Do you think you may have been zombified? Are you scared? Call 1-800-ZOM-BIES to reach a hotline staffed by caring operators who can help you find a local clinic and get a Z-section right away. Don’t be scared – there’s help.

This advertisement paid for by Planned Zombihood, the Anti-Zombification League, and the American Zombie Liberties Union.

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April 2, 2014

From “The Savage Pie Hole” by Victor S. Savage VI

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Why choose the Savage Pie Hole for all your tender flaky filled crust needs?

– Over 500 years’ Savage family pie-making experience, dating to Second Era Minosha before electrification!

– Free Pie-Fi allows you to stream pies in glorious high definition, including our signature holocaust berry pie, always a hit with dwarves and orcs.

– Ask about our Pie Phones, enchanted pies that allow you to communicate across great distances by eating a slice! Monthly and pay-as-you-go plans available.

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March 31, 2014

From “Southern Michigan University Active Mad Scientist Training” by Anonymous

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“Everyone remembers where they were that horrible day that Dr. Doomington unleashed the Quackinator on the University of Northern Mississippi and turned everyone into ducks,” says Officer Carruthers of the DPS in a statement. “And the incident in Cascadia last year was really a wake-up call for us–if Professor Chaosz, who everyone thought was just a kindly science teacher, could hurl moviegoers into the fictional world of the film they were watching with his Imaginverter…it could happen anywhere, at any time.”

The Active Mad Scientist training seminars at Southern Michigan University are designed around three simple principles: “Flee,” “Fear,” and “Fight.”

“Obviously, the best solution to an Active Mad Scientist is to simply leave the area as quickly as possible,” says Carruthers. ” That’s ‘Flee.’ It gives the Area 51 Response Team time to arrive and secure the area. But that’s not always possible, as we saw at the incident in Sacramento where Sinestroni erected a Reality Barrier to prevent escape.”

“Fear” advises that people relocate to designated shelters and huddle in wordless terror in the hopes that the Active Mad Scientist will pass them by. “We’ve hardened certain campus locations against mad scientists,” Carruthers adds, “with lead linings, ray scramblers, polarized laser-proof glass, NBC sealing, and magic spells (well known to be a weakness common to mad scientists).” The officer does concede, though, that there are circumstances in which the “Fear” strategy will not work. He cites the notorious 2002 attack on a Pennsylvania supermarket with mutagenic nanodroids by Das Angstverkäufer GmbH as a particular example.

Finally, the “Fight” step urges people who are cornered like rats to strike back at an Active Mad Scientist with whatever means of self-defense they have available. “Obviously this is a last resort, if ‘Flee’ and “Fear” fail, only. We don’t need anyone being a hero and getting themselves frozen in carbonite.” Officer Carruthers explains that the best method if it comes to fighting is to try and grapple the Active Mad Scientist at point blank melee range: “They generally tend to be very weak physically and quite nerdy,” he says. “Though be sure to assess beforehand. Grappling with Doktor Destroyo is not the same as going toe-to-toe with Baron von Muscles, PhD.”

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March 27, 2014

From “The Great License Plate Switch of 2007” by Chapel Twist

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Irma Cook, State DMV Employee #4227, was responsible for license plate renewals and registration for Deerton and greater Tecumseh County. Ordinarily, hers was a sedate job, and that was the way she liked it. Irma had ossified into a comfortable living and had only 5 years until she retired on a generous government pension, which she planned to spend as far away from snowy rural Michigan as she could.

But that had been before the Great License Plate Switch of 2007. The dumbass governor had decided that the most important problem facing Michigan wasn’t Detroit rotting from the inside or the explosion of meth labs (both figuratively and literally) in the state or the fact that the Mitten hadn’t created a new job since 1976. No, license plates were a far more pressing (and taxable!) issue. The beautiful “Lake Superior Blue” plates, with their shining white letters on an azure background, had been around since 1982 and had–in Irma’s opinion–been a welcome change from the cluttered and generic plates issues by other states. You could always pick a Michigan plate out of a crowd without even reading it.

No more. Decreeing that it was imperative to have the state’s URL on the places (michigan.gov, which didn’t exactly take a UM med school degree to figure out), said dumbass governor had required Michiganders to trade in their Lake Superior Blue for Boring White With A URL On It. For a fee, of course, that would add a few million bucks to the tattered mitten’s depleted coffers. So everyone, even if they liked their old plate, had to buy a new one with new numbers on it.

That didn’t bother Irma as much as having to listen to the complaints.

“My new license plate says YAY 911! My car’s already been keyed three times!”

“Do you know how many lewd noted I’ve gotten stuck on my windshield since they gave me 6AY 53X?”

Irma gruffly sent most of the petitioners away to full out Form 1080-P to get a new plate at full price. The person with “A55 RGY” took a little more convincing.

“It’s the Traverse City cherry in the middle of the plate,” the petitioner said. “It looks like an O.”

“Oh,” Irma said. “Form 1080-P.”

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