CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the 20Ω6 R’lyeh Olympics.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and it’s my honor to be providing filler commentary for the 20Ω6 R’lyeh Olympics to fill the dead space in between events that our viewers at home are interested in.

CARL: I suppose we could be covering the Clean and Jerk Souls Out Of Writhing Physical Forms events, but as all Americans have been eliminated from contention, it would be an impermissable sin to ask our viewers to cheer for a Canadian.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. The big news today is about the American athlete Byron Lackey’s allegations that he was beaten, robbed, and had his soul partially sucked out and the gozzamer threads of his sanity partially unwound. This after his disappointing silver medal loss to, of all places, Belize in the 100-meter Ichor Doomstroke.

CARL: Lackey claimed that he was assaulted by a Cthuloid poasing as a City of R’lyeh Police officer. However, records colelcted by the Gibbering Eyes in the Olympic Village paint a different and far darker picture of the events.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. It seems that, rather than being robbed, Lackey in fact was drunk on space colour after his narrow loss and had vandalized a City of R’Lyeh Police shoggoth cruiser. Gibbering Eye footage shows him urinating, spray painting, and finally kicking it.

CARL: Furthermore, it seems that the robbery story was concocted by Lackey and his teammates to cover for the fact that the gelatinous shoggoth clung to, removed, and consumed Lackey’s pants during the altercation and he had to accound for their absence.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. US Olympic authorities have in fact withdrawn their earlier support of Lackey, and the chief of police has in fact consumed his passport to hold in his abdominal sac as a flight risk.

CARL: The standard R’lyeh punishment for this sort of false accusation, without taking into account the vandalism that preceded it, is to be cast among the Deep Ones to live as their slave until their unhuman rituals drain the soul and leave nothing but a degenerate husk behind, which is then devoured by the Elder Things as part of the ritual that foreshadows the coming revival of their race.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, though anonymous sources inside the City of R’lyeh Police have said that Lackey may face a lighter penalty in the interest of preventing a diplomatic incident until such a time as the stars are right. Lackey may only be forced to transfer his soul into a vessel of the Deep Ones’ choice, to slowly undergo the horrifying metamorphosis that is their fate.

CARL: Not a good sign for Lackey’s appearance at the 20∆0 Olympics in Celephaïs.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, not a good sign at all. Though some are claiming that Lackey’s punishment is still impermissably light compared to that of Ginger Douglas, the American gold medalist in Rythmic Shapeshifting.

CARL: She was pilloried in the press for failing to salute the American flag during her medal ceremony, despite the fact that no other medalist or audience member before or since has ever done so. Yet because she is Atlantean on her father’s side and Lackey is a brodude, some say that their penalties are mismatched.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Ms. Douglas was punished by switching bodies with a liquifying corpse and put to work delivering singing telegrams all over R’lyeh.

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CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the 20Ω6 R’lyeh Olympics.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and it’s my honor to be providing color commentary for the Women’s 100-Meter Wizard Fencing.

CARL: We’re being broadcast tape-delayed by an hour in the continental USA, so everyone with an internet connection already knows how the match turns out.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. And let’s not forget that events are being held simultaneously, which means we’re only commenting on the ones the network thinks that people want to see. We won’t be saying a word about Demon Curling.

CARL: Not a peep. So it looks like Ignatia Verçescu of Transylvania is up in the first match. She’s an up-and-comer for the Transylvania team, and silvered at Stonehenge in the last Olympics. Looks like she’s warming up a Danube Disarming Dance.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. But Verçescu is up against a veteran with three golds: Attilia Aechylus of Atlantis. She took gold in ’88 at Tunguska, in ’92 at Lemuria, and again in ’96 at El Dorado. She was out for a few years due to the breakup of Atlantis and the civil war there, but now she’s back and hungry. See the Petrifying Petroglyph she’s warming up?

CARL: And there they go! A nasty hit by Verçescu on Aechylus. Looks like the Petrifying Petroglyph has fully fizzled and the Atlantean is vulnerable!

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Could this be the end of Aechylus’s run for another gold?

CARL: Don’t count her out, Tom! Looks like she’s got a little Protean Metamorphism up her sleeve. Verçescu could be letting her youth lead her into overconfidence.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, though at 21 she is a wizened old hag by Olympic standards. Aechylus, at 33, might as well be an Olympic lich.

CARL: Wouldn’t that mean she won her first gold at the age of five?

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Oh, and it looks like Aechylus got that Protean Metamorphism off!

CARL: Yes, it looks like Verçescu has been trasnmogrified into a squirrel and Transylvania is out of the running!

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Atlantis advances to the next round, where Aechylus will face off against R’lyeh’s native daughter Aesnath Phraim, a husk inhabited by the ageless spirit of a 1000-year-old ancestor. Stay tuned.

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“They regularly visited gymnasium physical education classes to pick out promising students, and I was plucked out of my school for tryouts before coming in at the top of their little class of gymnasts. The Soviets weren’t as bad as the East Germans in that we weren’t relentlessly doped up with anabolic steroids, but the training program was still merciless: a medal at the Olympics was a matter of national security. They altered my state records to make me seem two years older than I really was, to keep me competitive longer.”

“But it wasn’t just that–we were suddenly pulled out of obscurity into the elite, something few managed in the ‘egalitarian’ society they had at the time. My family was given an apartment near the IOC complex in Moscow, jobs, and a stipend. My father was so proud; I know because he would sometimes come to practice to watch me. Once he even bought me an ice cream afterwards, which brought the coach to our door, red-faced, the next day–we girls were on a strict diet, you see.”

“We girls had private tutors, and most of the lessons were in English–we were expected to gain mastery of the language with an American accent in hopes of romancing Yankee athletes and pumping them for information–or better yet, bringing them back as defectors. But it never came to that; I was left off the 1988 Olympic team after I sprained my ankle, and by 1992 the country had collapsed–no more apartment, no more stipend, no more team.”