January 6, 2014

From “The Run on the Organic Aisle” by Lila-Jenny Swanson II

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HOPEWELL, MI – The Hopewell Democrat-Tribune has been receiving reports since yesterday of shortages at supermarkets and groceries in and around the city of Hopewell and the Southern Michigan University campus. With Winter Storm Hoth approaching and promising 10-16 inches of snowfall on top of the existing six inches, the Democrat-Tribune set out to confirm these reports.

“It’s a madhouse,” says Peace Waterlily, owner and proprietor of Peace Market on east Adams St. “We have been out of non-homogenized, organic, local milk since yesterday–people were coming in and buying 3-4 gallons at a time! When we ran out, they even bought the homogenized, organic, local milk until we ran out of that as well.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, produce managers from many other stores agree that they have seen a run on organic milk in the run-up to Winter Storm Hoth.

“Not just organic milk, either,” said one such source. “We are completely out of locally-sourced free-range rBGH- and rBST-free beef. People are absolutely panicked that the storm will cut them off from their supplies of organic foods, and they’ve been voting with their feet and their wallets.”

Another source adds: “We’re out of soy, we’re down to the dregs of our tofu, and our hemp oil pills have a waiting list. Fair trade coffee? Forget about it–we’ve been out of that for two days.”

In fact, after a visit to several stores in Hopewell and near the SMU campus, Democrat-Tribune reporters found perilously-low stocks of all organic, fair-trade, local, and ethically-sourced foods. A concerted search of the largest such store in town, the Hole Foods Market on Estate St., turned up bare shelves and empty racks in the ethical aisles and freezers. A few cans of free-range local creamed eels, a few of vegan soy substitute wadded beef, and a lone carton of organic fair-trade corn nog are all that remain. The only pita bread is expired and has been trampled on.

An angry mob of shoppers formed outside the One World Market once news broke of the shortages inside. “I need kelp and gluten-free unleavened bread for my paleo-diet! Where am I supposed to get them if everyone is out?” cried one shopper who declined to be identified. Some shoppers were reportedly so desperate that they purchased products that were only partially organic, or which were not local, though the Democrat-Tribune was unable to confirm these reports at press time.

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September 4, 2012

From “Salacious Tour” by Jordan Mosena

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It may not have been as informative as other tours, and certainly didn’t contain the standard boilerplate about “where your success begins” and other consultant-generated slogans. It was mostly the kind of salacious gossip that only 100 plus years of academia could generate.

It also kept people asking for Kay’s tours by name.

“This is the university library. It’s the place where, in the fourth floor men’s restroom, Dr. Hulmann was discovered in a compromising position with a grad student. It got them both fired and divorced, and now they run an organic food store in town.”

“That’s the graduate college. There are study carrels there and every semester or two a student tries to move in. The last one caused a fire by plugging sixteen appliances in the one outlet provided.”

“The plans called for Bickerman Tower to be twice as large as it is, but they shrank it to match the budget. That’s why the restrooms only fit one person and the offices would be condemned for human habitation if the building inspector wasn’t an alumni.”