“And this,” said the CEO, “is Cuthbert, our secret weapon here at Harrison Omni Products.”

“What’s that?” said Cuthbert, putting a hand to his ear. “Fur-covered heating ducts?”

“Write that one down,” the CEO snapped to his toady. “Animal-patterned covers for heating and cooling ducts. It’s genius, we’ll sell a million of ’em.”

“…really?” said Helmquist. “Really? Your secret is a deaf guy?”

“Not deaf,” snapped the CEO. “Just hard of hearing. Depending on the acoustics and how you talk he can hear fine. But it’s when what you say is just out of his hearing range that he mishears things in spectacularly creative–and profitable–ways.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“Huh? A pot of kitty litter?” said Cuthbert. “Talk a little louder, I can’t quite hear you.”

“Write that down,” the CEO said again.

“What possible profit could be had from a pot of kitty litter?” cried Helmquist.

“Don’t knock any of Cuthbert’s ideas,” said the CEO brightly. “Not a single one, no matter how farfetched. When we were going out for movie night, he misheard ‘Clint Eastwood’ as ‘penis whistle.’ That little gem of an idea has cornered the market on gag gifts for bachelorette parties.”

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“Only minds and the contents of minds truly exist–or rather, they are the only things we, as minds ourselves, can assume to exist,” said Beulah.

“Yes, yes, I know all about Berkeleian idealism,” Mayra said. “I’ve read Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius, even if I’m not sure how to pronounce it.”

“Use a longer ‘O’ sound for the ‘ö,'” said Beulah, still leading Mayra through the elaborate IDC security checks. “But you’ve got the right idea: anything that enough people think of becomes real.”

“Regardless, you still haven’t told me what the Idealism Control Bureau does.” The IDC agents handed Mayra her bag, thoroughly inspected, and she followed Beulah beneath a sign that said RECEIVING.

“The IDC is in charge of cleaning up the mess that happens when too many people have an idiotic idea. And, despite what you would imagine, it happens just as often to smart people as idiots.” Beulah gave Mayra an airy look. “Sometimes more often in point of fact.”

“And what exactly, does that entail?” asked Mayra, a bit sick of Beulah’s constant, if low-key, insults.

“Perhaps it’s easier to just show you.” Beulah opened a door and led Mayra into what looked like a pen for small animals with a fenced-in observation area. “These were brought in this morning, from a Metromart in Virginia.”

“What the-” Mayra began, before taking a closer look. “Ugh! How hideous!”

Several large brown cubes, brown and furred, lay across the floor on a bedding of loose straw. About a foot square, they appeared to be some kind of avant-garde taxidermy until one rolled over to reveal four stubby paws and a mewling feline face. One side of each cube was hollow, with a circular opening leading into an internal cavity with a leathery texture.

“What the hell are those?”

“They are the result of pedants obsessed with punctuation and style coming across a poorly-kerned product label in the Metromart pet section,” chuckled Beulah. “For an ‘imitation leather cat ottoman.'”

“So…those are leather cat ottomans?” said Mayra.

“Hardly. They’re imitations, as I said.”

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“What? Why would you bring us back here?” Jon cried. “After everything I did to get you out of there…we have to go, now!”

He tried to lean over to grapple for control of the car, but was interrupted by a sudden sheet of flame which erupted from the back seat, filling the car with acrid smoke and causing the exposed metal to glow cherry red almost immediately. Jon and Laure spilled out the doors, the latter coughing violently.

“The house doesn’t want me, Jon,” Laura said, walking slowly through the smoke and sparks of the car’s spontaneous combustion. “It never wanted me.”

Jon waved her back in fear, still doubled over from smoke inhalation. “That can’t be…you were there…I saved you…”

Laura gestured to the house, looming silent and dark in the dusk a few paces away. “I don’t know if it was denial, or naivete, or projection, or what. But you were so dead-set on ‘protecting’ me that you didn’t see. You couldn’t see.”

In trying to respond, Jon was racked with another fit of coughs.

“It’s been you all along, Jon. It’s you the house wants.” Laura seized the nape of Jon’s collar and dragged him toward the door of the house they had recently given everything–even lives–to escape.

In his weakened state, Jon could only offer feeble resistance. He tried to dig in his heels, to fight off Laura’s iron grip, but in moments he found himself bodily up against the front door, with its ominous brass accoutrements leering at him from all angles.

Laura’s hand was on the doorknob. “It’s the only way to get our lives back, to stop the madness.”

“No! Don’t!”

“I’m sorry.”

The door swung open, but instead of the entrance hall with its tattered drapes and forlorn chandelier, there was–impossibly–a yawning abyss speckled with starlike points of light. Jon tottered on the threshold for a moment, clawing at the doorjamb, before toppling forward. Spinning end over end, he was quickly lost in the darkness, a point of light among the others claimed by the darkness.

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Since the first of us stood up in the Great Rift Valley, humans were obsessed with how their world will end. Eschatology, the study of the end times, has been at the root of major religions, scientific initiatives, and lunatics shouting on street corners. Ragnarok and Rapture, Big Crunch and heat death, there was no shortage of ideas on every step of the continuum betwixt science and faith.

Would anyone have guessed that the end would come through the gradual unraveling of reality?

It started in the densest and most populated places. People started noticing areas in which time slowed, gravity behaved erratically, and light did not refract properly. They were regarded as mere curiosities until they began to grow. What had been a simple fuzzing of light at the center of the anomalies soon became utter blackness, only fading into focus and light at the edge of each anomaly.

In time, they grew to consume most of the urban areas, leaving only treacherous ruins and parts of skyscrapers hanging impossibly amid the abyss. Anyone entering–or falling into–one of the anomalies was never seen again; experiments with ropes and pulleys came to naught. New ones formed as well, with the only one piece of apparent rhyme or reason to their emergence: they seemed to appear where humans congregated most thickly. City life quickly became intensely dangerous: trading the safety of pastoralism for comfort could mean vanishing into a hole in the fabric of reality.

Perhaps the effect was inevitable, a natural function of the universe never before observed. In that case, assigning fault would be like blaming a man for a thunderstorm. But there was no shortage of theories as to why the perceivable universe seemed to be rotting from the inside out.

Animals were occasionally seen to emerge from the anomalies after entering, for one, suggesting that all or part of the phenomenon was limited to humans and their constructs. Some argue that the very act of human perception and cognition, especially when concentrated, has overwhelmed some sort of natural balance. Those of a philosophical/religious bent have seen in the decay the fulfillment of any number of prophecies.

All that’s certain is that the decay continues at an accelerated rate.

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The Second Siege

In late 1011, the Second City’s leadership decided to strike first. Arming a group of Outsiders with weapons from the City, they claimed that the resulting attack was a clear violation of the bond between the two. The Second City’s army, supported by its army and air force, quickly moved down the coast toward the City. The main force of the Citizens’ Army met the Second Citizens near the mouth of the Rane River, and the result was a catastrophe. Despite outnumbering the Second Citizens nearly two to one, the City’s force was annihilated. As the Mayor and Council struggled to organize a defense, the Second City’s forces cut a swath across the Farmlands and by the end of the year had reached the outskirts of the City itself.

A heroic defense, mounted in the eleventh hour, prevented the Second Citizens from encircling the City, though the Second Navy was able to destroy the City’s docks and occupy the bay. For the next two years, the Second Citizens would fruitlessly attempt to break the defense lines around the City, and at times aimed dagger thrusts at the City center itself. The City was under constant bombardment from land and sea, and air raids occurred nightly.

As before, the City was able to trade with Outsiders for badly needed materials, and hired thousands as mercenaries with the promise of citizenship. Meanwhile, agents of the City attempted to stir the Second City’s chattel laborers to rebellion, forcing the Second Army to garrison troops throughout its own areas. In the meantime, the Citizens’ Army and Mayor built up their forces for a counterattack.

1013 saw the counterattack launched, and the brilliant maneuver shattered the besieging forces. The Second City lost the cream of its army and military material in the Battle of the Outskirts, and was soon pushed back to its own borders. The City now adapted the tactics of its adversary, and launched continual combined-arms attacks on the Second City and its environs. By 1015, the Second City and Second Farmlands were in ruins. Many of the survivors fled into the Outlands in small groups, attempting to blend in with the very people they had treated so poorly. The top military and political leaders of the Second City were executed, and its territory was annexed and appended to the Farmlands. The Second City itself, damaged beyond repair, was razed.

The New Order

The devastating events of the Second Siege led to a sea change in the City’s politics. Fear of external invasion, compounded by the massive industries built by the war, led the Mayor to begin a permanent program of Outsider pacification. While trade continued, this meant that many of the City’s goods were provided to Outsiders free of charge, provided that they did not attempt to make war on the City or the Farmlands.

In the meantime, technological development had been jump-started by the conflict, and by 1175 was approaching that which legend ascribed to the Precursor City. At the same time, life expectancy in the City began to plateau; further research determined that the City’s massive use of electricity and artificial light invariably caused terminal melanoma after a certain level of exposure, For most Citizens, this meant that the absolute limit of their life was now approximately 100 years, and for many others with less tolerance, death came much younger.

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“Welcome to the Copy Shop of Graglock the Wise! What’ll it be, sir?”

“I need 150 black and white copies of this spell, 150 color copies of this scroll, and 150 double-sided copies of these hexes.”

“Would you like them on standard parchment? We also have papyrus, vellum, 70 weight dragonskin, Dreadfiber, and mithrilstock.”

“All of it on standard parchment.”

“Are you sure? The vellum holds up better in continental climates, the papyrus is guaranteed for 3000 years, the dragonskin is fire retardant…”

“Stop trying to upsell me. Can you do it or not?”

“Well, we can have Xeroxes the scribe copy your spell with his enchanted quill, though he is low on toner and the copies are coming out a little fuzzy. It’ll be done by the end of the day.”

“And what about the rest?”

“Well, we need at least 24 hours to do color copying, since the ink takes time to mix and it takes a team of four scribes. Cee, Emm, Why, and Kay have been grumbling about overtime, too.”

“And the double-sided hexes? What about those?”

“Our double-sided color scribe isn’t working right now. We can do one side and then put it back in to do the other, but I’m not going to lie, that could cause ha;f of the hex to be upside down.”

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Pants in parking lot
Feared for what they might have seen
Forever unclaimed

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First place contestants will receive free will call front row seat tickets to one of this weekend’s events being held at Southern Michigan University’s James Newell Osterberg, Jr. Center for the Performing Arts. On Saturday, the Hopewell Philharmonic will present its annual “Atonal Days” concert, with a program of aleatoric music, musique concrète, and an innovative sonic feedback loop performance of John Cage’s 4’33”; earplugs will be sold at the door. On Sunday, the nation’s largest left-leaning publicly funded broadcaster, National Socialist Radio, will bring its acclaimed “Haughty Revue” program to SMU: a full hour of highly educated people drunk on their own sense of self-worth will follow.

Second place contestants will receive a $100 gift certificate to the Rocky Mountain Oyster Factory. Whether you like them braised or barbecued, sauteed or steamed, Rocky Mountain Oyster Factory will fix you a heaping plate of your favorites. Don’t forget a side lamb fries and a fresh-sqeezed glass of bull juice!

Third place contestants will receive a $25 gift card to Stubb’s Coffee, good at all locations in town except the one in the SMU student union (which, despite Stubb’s staffers, branding, and coffee products is not a “real” Stubb’s).

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“You know I am not Japanese, yes?” Zhang Wei had said in his interview with The Sushi Bowl, the sashimi place in the student union.

“We’re not allowed to hire based on students’ ethnic backgrounds,” the interviewer had assured him. “Plus, there aren’t enough Japanese students on campus even if we did.

So Wei found himself working the lunch rush behind The Sushi Bowl’s counter with three other students from China, smiling and nodding politely whenever he was complimented on “his” cuisine (in reality trucked in fresh from a distributor three times a day). It didn’t do wonders for Wei’s unease; in addition to facing challenges with his grasp of English every day, he was feeling very uneasy at being in an engineering class with no American students, and being one of sixteen Zhang Weis in the program (it being the mainland Chinese equivalent of “John Smith”).

He wasn’t sure if, as his grandmother had warned him, he was catching “American narcissism” like it was a disease, or if his feelings were a natural reaction to the routine absurdities that confronted him every day.

All he knew was that something had to change, or something was going to give.

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The First Siege

Over time, attitudes and divisions between the City proper and the outlying Farmlands began to diverge. The use of Outsider laborers, and their descendents, coupled with the rapid rise in the City’s population, began to worry prominent Farmlanders, who demanded greater political autonomy and bitterly resented the City’s interference in their affairs. In the City itself, opposition to the Farmlands’ labor practices became more widespread, while many in the Farmlands began to quietly stockpile arms and talk of a second revolution.

In 954, an abortive rebellion of Outsider laborers briefly seized control of a few small towns in the Farmlands. Although local militia and troops from the Citizen Army easily crushed the uprising, it quickly became a political issue. The Farmlanders demanded tighter laws on Outsider laborers and more freedom to create such laws at the local level, while the Mayor and City Council refused.

Enraged by this, a council of Farmlanders met in the spring of 955 and declared that the Farmlands would henceforth form a city to itself. The Mayor and City Council refused to recognize this, and both sides prepared for war. The Farmlanders moved first, cutting off all land routes into the City and capturing parts of the outskirts. They hoped to starve the Citizens at large into recognizing their independence; the Mayor responded by taking the unprecedented step of trading with Outsiders for food and desperately needed supplies.

In return for manufactured goods, as many Outsiders as the City’s ships could reach provided foodstuffs and raw materials. Even with this lifeline, the Siege was desperate; every inch of available space was dedicated to impromptu gardens, and heavy guns were rolled directly into battle from the Industrial District.

Eventually, the larger population of the City, coupled with its superior industrial productivity, and the Farmlanders’ refusal to trade with Outsiders, allowed the Citizens’ Army to break the siege. By 958, the war had turned to conquest of the Farmlands, and despite desperate defensive measures by the secessionists, the conflict ended by 959. A large portion of the Farmlanders chose to flee before the advancing Citizens’ Army, as did many of their surviving troops. As part of the armistice, they were allowed to leave the Farmlands for the Outlands, where after a long trek the refugees established the Second City. In the wake of their departure, the Outsider laborers were given farmland, and the current policy of admitting a select few Outsiders into the City each year was implemented.

The Second City

The Second City flourished, and conducted profitable trade with the City despite the animosity and destruction of the First Siege. Though always smaller than the City, the Second City soon developed a reputation for technological excellence that was matched only by its brutal labor policies—the practice of using Outsider labor as chattel continued under a slightly different name.

Then next fifty years saw a gradual reduction of tensions between the Cities, despite vocal minorities on both sides who clamored for revenge or renewed conflict. Despite the official trade and neutrality between the Cities, both quietly built up and modernized their armed forces; the rediscovery of heavier-than-air flight and efficient steam turbines led to an extension of this policy in the air and on the sea.

Eventually, the revaunchist party in the Second City gained power, while a weak administration and Mayor presided over the City. The Second Citizens began staging increasingly belligerent military demonstrations, and began making demands for favorable adjustments to trade and other agreements. The City’s government accede to these for a time, but growing public pressure eventually reached a boiling point, and a new Mayor and Council, hostile to the Second City, were installed.

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