HOTSY-TOTSY INAUGURAL X CHAMPIONSHIPS SHOW DEWDROPPERS KNOW THEIR ONIONS
DATELINE: Newport, Rhode Island, June 4, 1928

With a final flourish of the ragtime jazz band on hand for the festivities, the closing ceremonies for the 1st Annual X Championships came to a raucous close amid medals, swing-dancing, and general jubilation. While Mrs. Grundy down the street and all her fellow “fire extinguishers” might frown upon the X Championships as pure applesauce or horsefeathers, a product of idle young dewdroppers bereft of industry, the crowd and sponsors clearly think it’s just ducky.

“These fine young athletes have shown us just how the spirit of the age can turn idle pursuits into virtuous exercises and healthy capitalistic competition,” said the closing speaker Mr. Harrison Dykestra. President of Dykestra’s Old No. 12 Velocipede Company and a major sponsor of the event, he personally presented a gold medal to the overall winner and crowd favorite C. Ernest “Torpedo” Coopington Jr. Coopington, 20, placed first in the dramatic Freestyle Velocipede finals as well as pocketing a silver in the highly competitive Toe-Stoppered Quad Skate event.

“It’s such a gay rub, really,” said “Torpedo” Coopington at the closing ceremonies. “I’m used to killjoys feeding all us a line about velocipeding and skating and such being something only a quiff would like, and razzing us about being no-account lollygaggers. But I think we really showed them we’re on the level and got them on the trolley today!”

Indeed, the image of “Torpedo” Coopington attacking a difficult grind in his knickerbockers and newsie cap with tied-on number and Dykestra’s Old No. 12 advertisement patches has captivated the normally sleepy Providence summer. One can hardly pass a streetcorner without seeing children playing at being their favorite X Championship athletes, despite their elders’ stern disapproval. One source, who declined to be named, said as much: “Velocipedery is but the first step on the staircase to brimstone and damnation! How long before these hellions are engaging in wanton acts of public carnality or frequenting moving picture houses?”

Still, the mood seems overwhelmingly in favor of the X Championships, and Mr. Dykestra was quick to predict that they would return next year. “As long as people are interested in acts of derring-do, the spirit of these young men and their Dykestra-brand equipment will never fade!”

Additional results:
Homer “Cowlick” Hyde took gold in the 1200-ft. Competitive Jitterbug
Gunther Schwartz came in first place in the Regulation Hoop Roll
There was a tie in the Stickball finals, with team captains Thomas “Gunny” Gunnington and Robert R. Robertson sharing the trophy between the Boston Zozzlers and the Baltimore Blotto Boys

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