Our society has eliminated payphones, which makes it impossible to call someone inside when you’re locked out of a building with your phone and keys inside. The only way to get in, other than using a strange’s cellphone coated with an unknown biofilm, is to hurl something at a lit window.

But what small object rattling around in your pocket should you sling? Here’s a handy guide to what various professions should chuck for maximum effectiveness:

TEACHER – Glue stick

MINISTER – Gideon Bible

TEAMSTER – Lug nuts

POLICE OFFICER – Shell casings from the planting gun

FIREFIGHTER – Matches and accelerant

LAWYER – Subpoenas (crush or fold first)

RETAIL – Quarters from the register

DOCTOR – Human gallstones (kidney and bladder stones work too)

PRESIDENT – Nuclear launch codes (remove from briefcase first)

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