Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

The four kennels of the legendary Dogwarts School are:

Wigglebutts
Founded by the powerful dog Muffin Wigglebutt, Wigglebutt Kennel prides itself on nurturing pups with the traits of howlery, digger, powerful noses, and tail-chasing.

Snufflepups
The work of famous 15th-century dog Brutus Snufflepup, Snufflepups kennels nurtures the virtues of hard bark, coming when called, being a good dog, loyalty, and playing with balls.

Ravenpaws
Famous dog Mitzi Ravenpaw made her name by hunting birds, and her kennel therefore prizes obedience, knowledge, sitting, and of course birding.

Shitindoores
Smoochums Shitindoor is known among dogs for his controversial insistance that dogs knew better than their masters where, when, and how to poop. His kennel is therefore dedicated to tha art of defecation, making messes, running, and sneaky eating of kleenexes stolen from the trash.

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CleggsList Post
Category:
Jobs/Skilled Trades and Crafts

Seeking someone with experience in spirits that are disturbed. Looking specifically for someone with practical tips on banishment/exorcism, preferably with non-denominational rituals. Must bring your own padding. Pay is commensurate with results, but am willing to pay for partial success. If you can get rid of just the moaning or just the flying stuff, I’m still interested. Inbox for details.

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PAÜNCHY Armchair
Sink in deep and slouch to your heart’s content in modular style. Available in mustard, burgundaise, kellygreen, and camouflage colors/prints.

BØB Lamp
Named for the designer’s sister’s roommate’s cat, the BØB perfectly captures a Stockholmian’s ideal of rural America with its beer can shape.

HERMES Bookshelf
Our cheapest model, and one that will provide days if not weeks of solid service before disintegrating. Made from the finest reclaimed Somali tank seats.

BICKERSBY Outdoor End Table
Nothing says sophistication like our BICKERSBY line, and nothing says sophisticate like leaving a pressboard end table out in the rain.

OXBUNCH Decorative Sculpture
The vision of acclaimed interior designer Njord, this fifth-dimensional figure will make everyone an art critic.

KNUDSBORG Bed
Everyone knows: when you need to get in bed, you want to get KNUD and then BORGed!

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THE DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE CLEANSE

Through the simple application of our patented* halite-derived natrium chloride cleanse, you can purge your body of dangerous over-concentrations of hydroxyl acid!

Did you know that hydroxyl acid over-concentrations can lead to:
-weight gain
-overactive bladder
-loss of appetite
-death (at high doses)?

Your body naturally accumulates hydroxyl acid from the surrounding environment! Big business and the fat cats in Washington don’t want you to know about the simple cleansing power of natrium chloride!

For the low cost of only $19.99 per packet, we will send you natrium chloride crystals that you can use as part of a full-blown hydroxyl acid purge or just a daily cleanse. Just mix it into your drink, sprinkle it on some food, or eat the crystals as they are to start gaining the benefits!

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I had the oven on for maybe ten minutes. And then, at the first scent of burning petrochemicals, I looked around for the cutting board. It was nowhere to be found.

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I will tell of the history of Gilgamesh, he who knows all that has happened and has seen all the lands of the world, he who has seen all kinds of wisdom and knows the mysteries and has seen what is hidden. And then the murders begin.

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Laundreon
Evolves from Hamperchu, evolves into Dryerio

Pidgeomite
Evolves from Squibsquab, evolves into TNTeagle

Brasshopper
Evolves from Zincaterpillar, evolves into Magnetsquito

Flubug
Evolves from Coldeon, evolves into Pandemeon

Skeleking
Evolves from Ostearl, evolves into Emperictus

Potatoad
Evolves from Spudiwog, evolves into Masholotl

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“What do you mean, it’s a pisstery?” said Bill.

“Well, the drug test came back clean…but it also says that you’re a woman,” said Dr. Carruthers.

Bill looked away, blushing.

“So either you’re undergoing a spontaneous sex change, or you smuggled in some urine that isn’t yours,” Carruthers continued. “As I said before, quite the pisstery.”

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Tendrils of brown clawing at the setting sun were the first sign. People wrote it off as a little incoming rain, if they noticed at all.

The second sign was an odd smell, perhaps best described as a ghost that was once a tree. People noticed this; the sensitive felt their eyes water, and the barely felt scent caused the short of breath to huff a bit. Authorities, when consulted, insisted that nothing was amiss.

Finally, a veil descended upon town, like mist. It was thick enough that the first few cars to emerge from behind it had their headlights on.

No more came.

The people were found where they lay, curled up in bed, on their couches, slumped in chairs at restaurants. They had not been suddenly overcome; cars were pulled over, loved ones were tucked in. And, aside from a few at the very edge, and those who had been away, the entire population of 817 souls never stirred again.

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It sits there, galaxies adorning its brow, wrapped up in its horns. Birds with feathers of every color, save one, nestle in its long fur, a splash of paint amid a rainbow of earthy tans.

It sniffs you, gently. There is no malice in its deep eyes, no suspicion, but its claws are always visible. As are the furrows it has cut into the living rock.

Will it let you pass?

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