Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

“He has googly eyes,” said Mavis. “Why does he have googly eyes?”

“Googly eyes are cheap,” said Gerry. “Marbles are expensive.”

“Still, with the pose that they have him in, holding his golf club on the range, it looks like he’s psyching out over the shot.”

They moved to the next display. “This is a really unnatural pose,” said Gerry. “Do you think they didn’t have enough skin to work with?”

“She’s awfully fat,” replied Mavis. “I think they were just lousy taxidermists.”

“But a ballet move, en pointe? That’s a stretch.”

“What about this one ever here?” Mavis pointed. “This one’s not so bad.”

“Humans don’t have three arms,” sneered Gerry. “I think this entire display is just crap taxidermy. The Betelgeusians are hardly even trying.”

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“She didn’t suffer,” said Dr. Honecker. “That much is clear. Death was…instantaneous. Really, we ought to be grateful for that.”

Maya dropped her perspex helmet and kicked it across the room, where it clattered into a stainless steel tray. “The hell it was!” she screamed.

“Look, I understand how you must feel,” said Honecker, his hands up and splayed. “Really. I lost a brother to explosive decompression in the Harper Abyss.”

“And what did you do,” growled Maya, “when the doctor told you that he didn’t suffer, that being ripped apart by the laws of physics wasn’t such a bad way to go?”

“No one told me that,” said Honecker softly. “I was the attending physician. Dr. Kian-To got a bloody nose when he suggested I recuse myself.”

“Well, in that case, I do appreciate what you’re trying to do,” Maya said, still breathing heavily. “But you’ll also understand if you aren’t getting very far with a disturbed and emotional family member!”

“Of course,” said Honecker. “Please, knock over whatever you like. But once you have, I think there is something you should know.”

“What’s that?”

“Your sister’s submersible was sabotaged. And not in a simple way, either; they replaced one of her valves with one that had been withdrawn from service for excessive dives. I knew to look for it because the same thing claimed my brother. And when I tried to question the maintenance tech in SubCon, I found him dead of a heart attack.”

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Do dreamlings exist?

If so, are they alive?

No one’s arguing that these interlopers have been on the rise over the last two decades. From the first reported dreamling to the current climate, in which two-thirds of people have seen one, it’s been a meteoric rise. But how can you quantify something from a half-remembered dream?

The only requirement for a dreamling to be classified is for the same agent to appear in two different dreams, especially when the dreamers share no frame of reference. But this leads to a proliferation of false reports; who can say for sure what is coincidence and what isn’t? The number of dreamlings conclusively established through sustained observation is far lower.

Naturally, the most pervasive and agreed-upon dreamlings are the ones that invite the most speculation. The Dark Man has appeared in hundreds of thousands of dreams, and appears to react to stimuli. It resists attempts to investigate it and seeks to remain elusive. Are these the actions of a living being, or simply a common psychological response?

The same could be said of the other 1,742 most common dreamlings.

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“There’s just one problem with these property records.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“There’s no death date for the former owner.”

“That’s no problem. You see, I never die.”

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“I’m not a citizen,” Myassa said. “Kinda funny to think about it, but all I ever had was a green card. I was kind of hoping to get naturalized, but I never got around to it. My brothers are, of course, since they were born in Detroit. I was supposed to be born there too, but I was early. They have–had–a good hospital in Damascus, but you don’t get citizenship for being born there.”

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“No data was recovered from your skimmer,” Tallow said. “Nothing but you, and that’s a miracle in and of itself.”

“Are we still in atmo?” cried Remy. “Please tell me we’ve left.”

“No, of course not,” said Tallow. “This is a class three skimmer, it’s not capable of breaking atmo. We’re a few days out from Neptune Central Station, we can transfer you to a trans-atmo skiff there.”

“You don’t understand,” cried Remy. “The flux is still scrambling your communications. She’s still out there.”

“She? Your skimmer had an all-male crew, if I’m reading this manifest correctly.”

“We never saw more than shadows,” Remy said. “Shadows in the clouds. But there’s no other way to describe what we saw.”

“Another skimmer? Maybe a crew member from an illegal claim jumper?”

“To see it from lower atmo like that…no, no,” Remy said. “She would have had to be as big as a cruiser, or a continent. Maybe that’s why she never came close…the atmo is too thin…”

Tallow shook her head. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.” Behind her, a shadow of humanoid and vaguely feminine shape reared beneath the Neptunian clouds.

The second-to-last thing Tallow heard was Remy screaming.

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The four kennels of the legendary Dogwarts School are:

Wigglebutts
Founded by the powerful dog Muffin Wigglebutt, Wigglebutt Kennel prides itself on nurturing pups with the traits of howlery, digger, powerful noses, and tail-chasing.

Snufflepups
The work of famous 15th-century dog Brutus Snufflepup, Snufflepups kennels nurtures the virtues of hard bark, coming when called, being a good dog, loyalty, and playing with balls.

Ravenpaws
Famous dog Mitzi Ravenpaw made her name by hunting birds, and her kennel therefore prizes obedience, knowledge, sitting, and of course birding.

Shitindoores
Smoochums Shitindoor is known among dogs for his controversial insistance that dogs knew better than their masters where, when, and how to poop. His kennel is therefore dedicated to tha art of defecation, making messes, running, and sneaky eating of kleenexes stolen from the trash.

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CleggsList Post
Category:
Jobs/Skilled Trades and Crafts

Seeking someone with experience in spirits that are disturbed. Looking specifically for someone with practical tips on banishment/exorcism, preferably with non-denominational rituals. Must bring your own padding. Pay is commensurate with results, but am willing to pay for partial success. If you can get rid of just the moaning or just the flying stuff, I’m still interested. Inbox for details.

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PAÜNCHY Armchair
Sink in deep and slouch to your heart’s content in modular style. Available in mustard, burgundaise, kellygreen, and camouflage colors/prints.

BØB Lamp
Named for the designer’s sister’s roommate’s cat, the BØB perfectly captures a Stockholmian’s ideal of rural America with its beer can shape.

HERMES Bookshelf
Our cheapest model, and one that will provide days if not weeks of solid service before disintegrating. Made from the finest reclaimed Somali tank seats.

BICKERSBY Outdoor End Table
Nothing says sophistication like our BICKERSBY line, and nothing says sophisticate like leaving a pressboard end table out in the rain.

OXBUNCH Decorative Sculpture
The vision of acclaimed interior designer Njord, this fifth-dimensional figure will make everyone an art critic.

KNUDSBORG Bed
Everyone knows: when you need to get in bed, you want to get KNUD and then BORGed!

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THE DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE CLEANSE

Through the simple application of our patented* halite-derived natrium chloride cleanse, you can purge your body of dangerous over-concentrations of hydroxyl acid!

Did you know that hydroxyl acid over-concentrations can lead to:
-weight gain
-overactive bladder
-loss of appetite
-death (at high doses)?

Your body naturally accumulates hydroxyl acid from the surrounding environment! Big business and the fat cats in Washington don’t want you to know about the simple cleansing power of natrium chloride!

For the low cost of only $19.99 per packet, we will send you natrium chloride crystals that you can use as part of a full-blown hydroxyl acid purge or just a daily cleanse. Just mix it into your drink, sprinkle it on some food, or eat the crystals as they are to start gaining the benefits!

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