Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

I showed mercy once, when I was young and still naive in the ways of the world. They swore to me that they would not breathe a word of what had happened, that they ould change their name, start a new life.

The desperation in their eyes made me think they were sincere, and that this would be the end of it.

I was wrong.

Years later, I put the chronology together. They had, indeed, changed their name and moved. But it was for the purpose of vengeance, not survival. They pulled on the few details that they could remember of our encounter, obsessively poring over them until they were able to track me down, in spite of all the precautions I regularly took.

If they had also taken the time to practice their marksmanship, I might not have made it.

I sat there, with their blood soaking into my clothes, for some time, thinking. They had indeed told no one. The letter of our bargain would have been kept, for I wouldn’t have seen them coming. I’d be dead.

Since then, I keep a simpler bargain. No one says or sees anything, because the dead tell no tales.

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Are you sick of having to pack, wash, and store pyjamas and yet lack the conviction to sleep in the nude?

We were too. That’s why we invented new Pyjama Paste!

With one simple application, you have a strong, form-fitting, and disposable pair of pyjamas! It’s water-soluble, too, so you can just wash it off in the morning!*

Pyjama Paste. Spread the love.

*Water solubility may include perspiration in some rare** cases. Do not wear outside, in precipitation, or high humidity. Covering sensitive areas may require the Extendo-Spray Arm, sold seperately. For external use. May not work as intended on males, especially used in a state of arousal. Side effects include but are not limited to: rash, temporary dyeing, involuntary defoliation, alopecia horriblis, and The Clottening.

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Reality Refugees
Many have been heard to mutter that he current world is the oust possible version of itself. Try telling that to denizens of Skein-227764, which suffered a worldwide nuclear war in 1983, or Skein-001327, which was invaded by the Scourge in 1919.

While the technology to cross between realities is expensive, complex, and delicate, the allure of finding an alternate, better world in which to build a new life is tantalizing and an average of 500-1000 reality refugees arrive each year.

Our reality is particularly enticing because it is of middling development and far from perfect–making it easier to enter than, say, the universal utopia of Skein-999861. Nevertheless, their presence and any artifacts they might bring are considered destabilizing and are prohibited.

Mutual repatriation agreements signed with other realities require that these refugees be identified, detained, and returned. In some cases, refugees from reverse-chirality skeins are incapable of digesting food and will die without the proper nutrition. This in turn has led to a thriving black market in dextro-amino-acid foodstuffs, which have no nutritional value for beings like us and can also provoke dangerous allergic reactions.

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“I don’t let silly things like self-righteousness or ignorance bother me. And yet here I stand, bothered by you.”

She held up her fingers, poised and pressed together as if to snap. “Shall I do it? One quick click and you’ll be immolated and I’ll never have to listen to your whining again.”

Hearing no response but sullen silence, she nodded. “Very well then. Get out of here.”

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I thought he was joking when he said he’d pay me good money never to speak to him again.

Then, half an hour later, his lawyer arrived by taxicab with the forms, signed and notarized. After taking my check for two thousand dollars, I wwas informed that I had five minutes to make myself scarce sinceI had agreed to never see him again either for a double payout.

And that, long story short, is why I can never go back to New York.

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Menzenith
Formerly Deathbell, this telecom company rebranded itself in 2001 by combining mendacium, Latin for falsehood, and the Arabic word for highest. The intent was to give a sense of undeath being the highest form of life, but in true 2000s rebranding fashion it only showed that the parties involved probably failed Latin. Nevertheless, it remains the #1 choice for undead telecom users in the USA thanks to its aggressive “Can you bier me now?” ad campaign featuring a zombie employee.

Mortal&T
Founded as Mortal Telegraph in 1885, Mortal&T is the oldest provider of telecommunications equipment to the living impaired, recently deceased, and post-necrotic beings. As such, it has considerable brand recognition and loyalty from those who were living or undead in 1885, despite lagging in recent customer service satisfaction surveys.

Z-Mobile
Established by a startup in a Napa Valley graveyard who were upset by the lack of telecom options for zombies. Based largely on the strength of its groundbreaking speech recognition and translation protocols for zombies without tongues or jaws, it has become the preferred service for younger affluent zombies.

Shamble
Despite the massive and historic bankruptcy of its parent company UnderworldCom, Shamble remains a major player in the undead telecom market, especially in its traditional stronghold of the Midwestern United States. Many Gen X and Gen Y undead still fondly remember the pervasive “needle drop” advertisements for cemetary landlines in the 1980s and 1990s.

Maggot Wireless
The premier “pay as you rot” wireless service, Maggot promises “connectivity that won’t eat a hole in your bank account.” It is popular among the poorer undead for its lack of contracts, and is the number-one source of “burner” phones used for short-term travel and illicit ‘long pork’ dealers.

V-Pire
Formerly Redblood Cellular, V-Pire is the largest privately-held telecom service for the undead, with major inroads among the Old Dead families of the southern USA. Founded in New Orleans by a group of vampires in at became known as the Sillicon Swampland, it is the only option across large swaths of the rural southern and western United States.

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The funny thing
About that word
Is that it comes
Back every time
In a fresh new
Suit of phonemes
The same as ever
But invisible
Simply because
In the moment
We can never see
It for what it is
Because we don’t
Have antibodies
For the new word

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“I am appearing before you, ‘Womp Rat,’ because you have strayed into the ways of chaos and away from law,” the ghostly blue silhouette said.

“Is this because I cooked those githyanki and served them as stew?”

“We can start with that, yes.”

“GHOST!”

Thrombonius launched himself at the shade. Being insubstantial, she was no impediment to his movement, and he slid through her form, chilled to the bone before faceplanting behind her.

“I’m sorry for my companion,” said Bryn. “He’s kinda…dumb…where ghosts are concerned.

“If her memories hadn’t been scooped out like a hollowed mellon,” said Ybba, referring to the dark elf the others had dubbed ‘Suzie,’ I would kill her and eat her to avenge my dad.”

“You have been living alone with him for a long time, haven’t you?”

The woman looked like Myles in every way except that she was clad in black and was also surrounded by dead dark elves who had been crispified by her fire spells.

“She is like an evil Myles,” said Bryn. “What should we call her? Maybe Kilometers, or Kilo for short?”

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SKOLDR Lamp
-Missing light bulb. Vengeful spirit has taken up residence instead.

BAKBRAYK Futon
-Mattress offers full back support, possibly through sorcery.

BÜk Modular Shelf
-Can hold 1/8″ more than the shelves should allow.

KORNAL High-Backed Wicker Chair
-Causes Civil War flashbacks after 1-2 hours of continuous sitting.

RÅK Storage Solution
-Cannot be assembled by more than one person; any existing friendship or relationship will be dissolved.

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The cat lorded over the mice, for he knew that his power greatly exceeded theirs. If he could catch them, he could kill them, and this made him fear no mouse, even though they outnumbered him ten thousand to one in his domain.

The cat also fancied himself more intelligent than the mice, and made no secret of his hunting, gorging himself on as many mice as he could catch. The mice found this situation intolerable, so they decided to band together against the cat.

A cat may easily kill one mice, ten mice, even a hundred mice. But a thousand? Ten thousand mice swarmed the cat that day, and though he fought his hardest he was overwhelmed and consumed.

This was an abject lesson to the other cats. Mind that your lessers do not see you as their mortal enemy, mind that they do not descend upon you as one, and if you must hunt, hunt quietly.

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