Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

“The Zhü Kaz is not a hospitable place for a lady, even one so strong-willed as Dame Caryn Naughton,” said the guide.

“Nonsense,” I said. “There were ladies aplenty across the Pilecheza. We saw them in the streets of Lushutuma.”

“Those were Zhachupul women,” the guide said, spitting. “To call them women is to belittle the word. They are animals.”

“I feel you may be saying that as a Latum, rather than as a human being,” I said rather sourly. “The enmity between your people and the Zhachupul is well-known, even where I come from.”

“Is it now?” the guide sneered. “Well, then, what need have you of my services? Surely you can locate the missing Dame Naughton and her entire expedition.”

Inspired by this.

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Musket.
Prepare.
Fathom…?

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If you’re an FBI agent, you know how difficult long stakeouts can be. You’ve felt firsthand the hunger pangs and tasted the bitter dregs of lower-tier Chinese takeout. That’s why we started the FBI Stakehouse.

You’ll find a terrific assortment of char-broiled meats, confiscated from suspects and cooked on seized grills. We’ve recruited some of the best cooks from among our federal inmates and put them to work. With both dine-in and carryout options, we’re sure to make your next assignment far less unbearable. And since most of our overhead is contraband, we keep our costs low and pass the savings on to you!

So come on down to the FBI Stakehouse, located in the unmarked former municipal building on Washington Avenue East! You’ll never know we were there.

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ANNOUNCER: These are real people, not actors.

SALESMAN: What would you say if I told you that the 2019 Pontiac Sundog had won over 100 industry awards?

PERSON 1: Oh, wow, that’s a lot!

PERSON 2: Incredible!

GORAJ THE DESTROYER: I have taken every award from the peoples under my thrall, but that is a good start.

SALESMAN: The Sundog seats 8, with independent climate zones for each passenger. How’s that for comfort?

PERSON 1: 8 people? That’s a lot!

PERSON 2: I could fit my whole family in there. No more arguing about the AC!

GORAJ THE DESTROYER: My armada cruisers have only a single climate for my hundreds of thralls. The cost in environmental suits and inevitable casualties is…unfortunate. This is an improvement.

SALESMAN: So, what do you think of the all-new 2019 Pontiac Sundog?

PERSON 1: I love it!

PERSON 2: I’d get one.

GORAJ THE DESTROYER: The 2019 Pontiac Sundog gets seven thumbs up from Goraj the Destroyer. He will make it his victory chariot in the great war, the endwar, which will reduce this planet to cinders and its people to servitude. Only the 2019 Pontiac Sundog will survive the coming reaping unscarred.

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Library Fine Finesse
Steals 2d12 gold from anyone in line of sight that posesses a book or booklike object on their person. A DC 30 reflex save halves the theft.

Teleport Via Bookshelf (Interlibrary Loan Edition)
Caster may use a bookshelf to appear in any regionally affiliated library at will. At least 2d12 books must be present, catalogued, and shelved in both locations.

Papercut Anything
Inflicts 1 point per caster level of piercing bleeding damage on any finger or fingerlike object. Healing of any such wound takes 2d6 weeks. DC 30 Fortitude save halves damage. Usable once per week.

Advanced Word of Book Recall
Caster may summon a tome or tomelike object from anywhere–and anyone–in the world. Usable once per day. Items protected from scrying are not exempt. A held item may be prevented from summoning by a DC 30 Will save.

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Faith and begorrah! Ye really make it seem tae be simple with your speech however in locating this specific topic tae get actually a very important factor that I believe I’d personally in no way understand. The item sort ‘o believes way too challenging and very wide to me auto license plates and frames. I am just seeking in advance in your upcoming send, I will make an effort to have the hang than me!

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Sweetwater Farm
The Sweet family came to the island seeking a peaceful place to escape the temptations of modern life. While they were successful in the latter, the former is somewhat elusive given their large number of small children, small chickens, and Rocky Mountain Whooping Llamas. At dawn, the din from Sweetwater Farm can be heard all the way across the estuary.

Weather Station
This field station allows a live-in crew of scientists from Sim State University to study the weather systems coming in from the coast and provide early warning for violent sou’westers. During sunny weather, the field station researches local wildlife and river sedimentation, which accounts for the legendary boredom of its staffers and the rumored construction of a high-speed internet gaming lounge.

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The modron, following its directives to the letter, chased after Thrombonius’s dancing lights spell. It trundled out of Short Shrift Dry Goods, across the flat plan of the private floating island, and tipped over the edge into the oblivion of the abyss.

“Sure, we’ll take you to our friends,” squeaked Squib the imp.

“Yeah, right through here,” peeped Gippy the dretch.

“Womp Rat” was shuffled through the door to see a deviless wearing an immaculate suit grinning across from a demon in heavy, almost comical armor.

“Well, hellooooo,” the deviless said. “We’re here because the same soul was sold twice, but perhaps you’d like in on the transaction?”

The elf was a teenager, fully grown but definitely considered a mere child at best by her long-lived brethren, with thick homemade spectacles and wearing an outfit that was an exact replica of Silius the Mage Queen from a popular scroll.

“Well,” Mixie said. “My friend, by best friend sort of–we kinda have grown up together–her name is Celeria. She kinda sold my could to both the demons and the devils. I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it.”

“ULRIC WOMP RAT THON!” screamed Brynhildr as she stomped down the inn’s corridor, attracting a train of shocked imps and dretches in her wake. “YOU JUMPED OFF INTO THE NOTHINGNESS OF THE ABYSS AND LEFT US BEHIND? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”

Thrombonius’s ectoplasmic snot once again found its mark, gathering up every imp and dretch in the hallway before pasting them to the wall in a coagluated mass.

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9:30
Stop Stalin and Start Russian: Getting Foriegn Capital for Domestic Evil
Ballroom 1, Kansas City Convention Center

In our keynote, a major speaker that cannot be named for security purposes will talk about how to successfully seek funding from Russia and other countries for acts of evil right here in the USA. The unidentified speaker, whose name and title rhyme with Malcontent Bump, will walk listeners though the process from start to finish. Attachés from the embassies of evil-friendly counties will be available afterwards for speed pitches!

11:00
What the Duct: Hero-Proofing Your Evil Lair
Maple Leaf Ballroom C, Marriott

Can people crawl through your ductwork? Is your waste system adequately sealed to prevent ingress? Are your anti-air defenses up to snuff? Certified lair architect Franc Lloyd Wrong will go through a list of basic safety checks to make sure your impenetrable lair stays impenetrable.

1:30
More Than a Pipe Dream: Municipal Sewers as Pathways to Evil
Typhoon Room 2, Holiday Inn

While everyone knows the value of sewers as evil lairs, they can also be used to move troops, scatter robot drones, and spread toxins among the populace. Learn the tricks and pitfalls of turning municipal water systems into rivers of evil from Underdweller Cathos.

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