Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

A rose in the gutter of the coffee shop line
Abandoned near Valentine’s Day
As a token of love it’s rejected
As a stark metaphor it will stay
Perhaps someone will come and collect it
A flower both elegant and free
But to whom would they then present it
And what would their story for it be

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“Campus ET Helpdesk, how can I direct your call?” said Sean.

“Uh, hi, yeah, is this the place I call for the emergency ET help squad, or is that just for aliens.”

Sean sighed. No one could ever keeo it straight. “If you have a problem with extraterrestrials, you need to take it up with Admissions if they’re a student and Astronomy if they’re not.”

“Okay, no, it’s not an alien,” the voice said at the other end, sounding relieved.

“How can we assist?”

“My classroom–this is Prof. Clark in 107 Starkville Hall–is having some problems. There are cold spots near the lectern and in the fifth row, students are complaining of ectoplasm, there’s backwards Latin on the board–I think it’s Latin, anyway, this is a Business class after all.”

“Okay,” Sean said, trying to sound calm but not bored. “I’m going to ask you some questions so Campus ET can better help you, is that okay?”

“Yes, fine,” Prof. Clark said, sounding equal parts upset and annoyed.

“Are there any bloody footprints visible?” Sean said.

“None that I can see,” Clark replied, his voice pitching in and out as if he were craning his head around.

“So it’s not the Bloody Brigadier, then, that’s one thing we can rule out. Do you see any spectral fog near the ceiling?”

A pause, then a snap as a light was switched on. “No, I don’t think so.”

Damn, Sean thought. The Luminous Lady was always so easy to get rid of, too. “Okay, that rules out our local Class III vapor. Try turning on your cell phone flashlight and waving it around. Are there any shadows cast by invisible or insubstantial objects?”

“Oh my, yes,” Clark said. “There’s a shadow being cast by an invisible figure at the dead center of the room.”

“That’ll be the Grim Loomer,” said Sean. “I’ll put in the call to Father O’Malley with the Campus ET flying squad right away.”

“Sould I do anything?” Clark asked.

“Just sit tight, and keep it away from any students weakened by exhaustion, fear, or illness,” said Sean. “If the Grim Loomer possesses one of your students, leave them be until Campus Exorcism gets there.”

“Is that…likely?”

“Hard to say. Grim Loomer is more of a daemon than a ghost, but we deal with it all the time.”

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Poltergeist subtype #27b: Leaky ghost

While most poltergeists, or “noisy ghosts” will make loud noises or rearrange objects, the leaky ghost or “undichtgeist” is much more devious and mischievous. It will loosen pipe fittings, tamper with faucets and drains, clog gutters, and generally attempt to introduce as many leaks and stoppages as possible. The ideal state for a pipe in a house haunted by a undichtgeist is steadily dripping, and the ideal state for a drain is backed-up and slow.

Obviously, this is a problem in most circumstances, but the leaky ghost can also be quite cunning and time its devious behavior to coincide with natural events. This can lead to the cascade failure of major plumbing systems; the infamous incident where the Clark Building in New York City had a total plumbing system failure after the heavy rains of April 1988 is perhaps the most infamous.

While plumbers can fix most problems caused by a undichtgeist, and they can be kept at bay with a strongly-presented piece of plumbing apparel like a pipe wrench, exorcising them is much trickier. One strategy is to shut off all water to a building for a period of 3-4 weeks–the leaky ghost will become bored if there is nothing to tamper and scheme with and may move on. It is also possible to flush the system with holy water, though this requires an expensive ordained plumber. At $5-22 per holy gallon (hGal) depending on the market, this is an extremely pricy option for larger homes. Ordinary exorcisms typically do not work, and have been known to cause the leaky ghost to begin haunting the exorcist’s home church instead.

The origins of the undichtgeist are not well understood. Some hold that they are the spirits of dead plumbers, but that claim does not hold up to scrutiny thanks to their abhorrence of plumbing tools. They may be a gestalt formed from the spirits of many drowned beings, which explains their emergence in poorly maintained areas and sensitivity to holy water but not exorcism. Most authorities do not believe the old wives’ tale that they are from haunted buried cisterns, though, and haunted cistern purification services are usually a scam.

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Eiram Odnok is, of course, the organizational and self-help guru whose advice is sweeping the nation. Since the publication of her first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Spitefulness, she has shot to the top of both the bestseller lists and the ratings. With numerous guest appearances and Ms. Odnok’s television show entering its fourth season, the phenomena shows no signs of letting up.

Ms. Odnok’s philosophy remains simple, as it always has been: live life spitefully. Let the very act of your survival stand as a response to those who would wish you ill. Should your enemies wish you dead, survive out of sheer spite. In an America with a growing wealth gap, crumbling infrastructure, and a social safety net made of sheer pantyhose, Odeon’s words have struck a chord. For if there is nothing else to be said about Americans, they do not lack for spite.

By now, the “Odeon Method” is well known almost to the point of parody. A practitioner picks up an item and asks themselves “does this spark spite?” If it does, the item is retained and possibly even put in a place of honor. If it does not, it is stored or removed. The feelings of spite can come from anywhere–reminders of past slights, covetousness, even aesthetic clash–but it must be real for the process to work.

“I still keep my ex’s t-shirt in a place of honor in my living room,” said Chris d’Isnie, an Odeon devotee. “Sure it’s getting old and ratty, but when I see it, I see their smarmy face telling me I’ll never amount to anything even as they have an affair with my best friend. I don’t care what it takes, I will keep going until I outlive them both, even if it takes voodoo or poison.

Recent allegations of extensive lobbying in Washington to keep things spiteful (and profitable) do not seem to have damaged Eiram Odnok’s brand in the slightest. “This is America,” she said. “It doesn’t need help making things spitefully bad.”

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Birds of the Fyrewood
Red-steckled elbermung
Pardak
Lesser hudge
Blue-crested hoopoe
Bronzed hummingbird
Variable monklet
Royal fire-eye
Russet-sided macaw
Double-crested titmouse
Snoring shikra
Jet ringneck
Amethyst firecrest
Rock sharpbill
Plain-backed goldenthroat
Sage chaffinch
Coppery standardwing
Opal-crowned roller
Swamp friarbird
Celestial scrubfowl

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Keir Dunston
A local ne’er-do-well, Keir is forced to wear a bird costume and act as entertainment and mascot during the Flight Festival as a form of community service. He deeply resents this, and does a very poor job at masking his hostility.

Woodsy
A mindless wood golem left over from the clear-cutting era, used as a general laborer and mascot by Kindling.

Pink Valkyries
A mercenary group of dwarves that won the low-bid contract to provide security to the Flight Festival.

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A famed ornithologist and retired member of the Mage Guild, the 104-year-old Ethelred was one of the last confirmed people to see a yellow-billed woodpecker, and has devoted his adult life to the study of the Fyrewood’s birds in general and the yellow-billed woodpecker specifically. As the head of the Flight Festival, Ethelred is easily the most powerful person in Kingling, easily outstripping the mayor, and his dominance of the event has won him both admirers and enemies.

At the time of his death, Ethelred was reporting sightings of the yellow-billed woodpecker. He had been in talks with Warscout Grumash about ancestral Shatterjaw knowledge, which Grumash had refused to divulge. He had angrily denied Hawkmaiden Elia’s request for a larger role in the Flight Festival, threatening to dismiss her if she exceeded her authority. He had been quarreling violently with Mr. Stripbark about lumber issues related to the cutting of a tree near the outskirts of Kindling, which Ethelred felt was key to attracting a yellow-billed woodpecker. He had also been having an affair with Mayor Hooper, coercively using his position as the festival head.

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The mayor of Kindling, having been elected in the place of her deceased father. Her husband, a stonemason, is often away on business and is currently at work on Prince-Bishop Leonard III’s palace. Mayor Hooper desires nothing more than to live at court and to be a civilized and sophisticated noblewoman; this is reflected in the elaborate court dress she wears at every Flight Festival. In order to fund her ambitions, she is in the process of negotiating to allow illegal logging and hunting in the Fyrewood.

Dr. Ethelred has been forcing Mayor Ethelred, 60 years his junior, into a relationship by threatening her position. This has been kept secret from both her husband and Dr. Ethelred’s fifth wife.

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A middleman for the Lumber Guild, Stripbark is responsible for coordinating the small amount of cutting the guild is allowed to perform in and around Kindling, and supervising the woodworkers of the town and the festival. An ambitious company man, Stripbark hopes that his position and power will improve if, as rumored, Prince-Bishop Leonard III lifts the prohibition on cutting in the Fyrewood.

Naturally, if the Flight Festival fails or suffers a disaster, this presents a keen opportunity for the Lumber Guild.

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A hawkmaiden is the highest level one can achieve in the all-female Raptor Guild, and it means that they have formed a life-bond with their hawk that allows them to see through one another’s eyes and act as one. The Raptor Guild has traditionally sent a hawkmaiden to the Flight Festival to perform demonstrations and gather recruits. Elia has long awaited this opportunity, as it is her first festival, but she also feels like the town of Kindling and the festival itself are an undue encroachment upon nature.

Rumor has it that Prince-Bishop Leonard III is planning to disestablish the Raptor Guild, replacing it with all-male mercenaries from a neighboring kingdom. This has left Elia on edge and desperate to show her guild’s worth at the festival.

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