CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming to you live from the AFA Janitorial Recreation National Championships!

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and I am also coming at you live from the JRNC. Using only the tools of their day jobs, these fine sanitation engineers are duking it out today for a chance at eternal glory.

CARL: But not for prize money, because they’re not getting paid.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. It’s all for love of the game, and to keep their corporate overlords happy.

CARL: While we wait for the first event to begin, who do you like in Mop Jousting, Tom? I’m thinking Austin Markovian, who unseated fan favorite Anita Planter in the regionals.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, Markovian is the man with the mop to beat and along with his steed, a gelded Rubbermaid 1221-B Utility Cart, he’s going to be tough to unseat.

CARL: Though the plunger duel is going to be a weak spot for him, I think. Very poor performance at regionals against Bob Tabman.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, fans at home forget that this isn’t a bunch of single sport athletes, it’s a modern pentathalon, with skiing and shooting being replaced with bag binning and sop slipping. After all, who in this postmodern hellscape can even afford to ski even where there’s snow to be had? No, the only course is to dance, dance for your corporate overlords and hope that your capering earns some sort of favor.

CARL: Not unlike us, Tom.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Not unlike us indeed.

CARL: Who do you like in the plunger biathalon? I think Tabman is the better duellist but Gillespie can unclog faster and more furiously.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. It’s gonna be a photo finish.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!