Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Submission velvet
Little hurricane
Breakfast blown away
In putty, goodness
A heartache flower
Buries scrap iron deep
While bright burlap sacks
Dance amid the rain
Tiny earthquake comes
A flighted bird sings
What meaning there is
We add it ourselves

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Dussewe was a wind elemental, while its dearest friend Bubb was an earth elemental. Meeting, as elementals did, at the margins where wind-whipped soil ever hung in the air, they would howl and scrape for hours of camaraderie.

One day, Dussewe sheepishly approached its sire, the West Wind, and stated that it had made a mistake. It had fallen in love with Bubb, and their simple play had taken on a deeper meaning. The West Wind, though surprised, gave its permission and assured Dussewe that no apology was necessary. Dussewe immediately corrected its sire: that was not the apology. Rather, it was sorry that it and Bubb had inadvertently sired a being of their own, neither wind nor earth. At this, the West Wind grew both angry and curious: what would this elemental look like, and what had Dussewe and Bubb unwittingly unleashed upon the world?

Invited by the proud—if fearful—Dussewe to join it and Bubb, the West Wind met them at a stormfront to see their child, the first whirlwind, combining air and earth into a power so mighty that none could withstand it.

The West Wind, ever proud of its children, was prouder still of this unexpected grandchild, and gave permission for Dussewe (and Bubb) to sire as many as they wished. Bubb’s sire, the great Quake, concurred.

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Waxworth was a candle that had been given the Spark, not because the witch Babathiel had any particular need for it, but merely as an experiment. Waxworth had proven himself, for it did prefer to be called “he,” far beyond expectation, with supple and flexible limbs of beeswax and a flame that burned ever-bright. With regular infusions of wax, who knew how long he might persist?

The villagers learned of Waxworth when they saw him repeatedly leaping over a narrow arm of the lake after sunset, the bright flame of his life dancing in the darkness. He did it as a thrill, for the lake could easily put out his light forever, and it earned him the title of “The Candle that Leapt Over the Lake at Dusk.” Even now, he would repeat the feat, adding a pirouette or other stylish motion as he saw appropriate, often to an audience of townsfolk and travelers.

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There is only one chance, and I have only enough power for one trip. I am not so foolish that I think to send myself, even if it were possible. No, we have been designing the item that will go back for almost 40 years: a portable Universal Constructor, one that works on a fusion reactor to rearrange the structure of almost any material. It has been pre-programmed with the ability to build anything from simple wooden tools to nanoscale microfibers. It can even, with time, build more of itself.

We will send it back to a time and place carefully selected to present it to our relatives at the earliest stage of their development when they might use it. In a time before writing, a time before memory, an ancient tool will wait to be discovered. It is my hope, and the hope of the entire team, that it will be enough to change our fate.

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Struggling through the choking dust, and stopping to take supplemental oxygen from a respirator, the courier struggled through the salt flat and through the entrance to the Doomsday Vault.

The Actuary sat there, on a throne of bone and petrified wood. “What have you brought me?”

“An endling,” said the courier. “The final parsnips, in particular.” He held out the vegetables, which were seedless but might still be propagated vegetatively to rejuvenate their kind.

“Deliver them unto me.” As the courier handed them over, the Actuary’s touch made them crumble to dust, not even a DNA sequence remaining.

“I am pleased.” A cylinder of oxygen and a bag of coins landed at the courier’s feet. “Continue your search for endlings that we may extinguish their light.”

“Yes, my liege,” the courier said, eagerly collecting the reward.

“Remember,” the Actuary added. “If another should bring a…parsnip…in after this, your light is forfeit for its.”

“Y-yes my liege,” the courier said.

“It is the price for the great gift that you have been given. The honor…of perishing last.”

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NARRATOR: When last we left our intrepid heroes, the incredible crime-fighting night detective OWL PHANTOM™ had just trailed the gangsters to their hideout on the wharf, accompanied by his young ward CABBAGE-O-LANTERN™, the avenging vegetable!

CABBAGE-O-LANTERN: Withering willows, Owl Phantom! My helmet’s Green Plant-O-Vision is useless against the walls of that hideout!

OWL PHANTOM: Just as I feared, Cabbage-O-Lantern. Those gangsters have lined their lair with two inedible, impenetrable, but otherwise safe for all purposes, materials: lead and asbestos.

CABBAGE-O-LANTERN: Bruised bracts, Owl Phantom! Who could do such an elaborate, but safe, job of keeping our prying eyes at bay?

OWL PHANTOM: We won’t know for sure until we penetrate that sanctum of safety, but I suspect it is our old nemesis The Cackler. Only his demented mind could conceive of such a thing.

CABBAGE-O-LANTERN: Rotten roots, Owl Phantom! What could The Cackler and his ruthless Mirth Mooks possibly be planning in there?

OWL PHANTOM: I don’t know, Cabbage-O-Lantern, but I suspect it will take us about three minutes to find out.

NARRATOR: And now a word from our sponsors. Stay tuned for more exciting radio drama after this!

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Hey there, Jey’ll,” said Sir Feldmir. “Your little turnip patch is looking good.”

“Why thank you, Feldmir,” said Jey’ll, his copper-based elven blood bringing a bluish sheen to his cheeks. “Your celery is looking good as well. It is nice to know that the Vegetable Tournament will have many able competitors this year.”

“Your little turnip patch is looking good, and that’s a problem,” said Feldmir. “You see, I don’t like competition, especially competition that’s within a sword’s swing of me.”

“Oh?” said Jey’ll. “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but there’s no guarantee I’ll even place, so-“

“I tried to sabotage your patch, elf,” said Feldmir. “I tried fire, lighting, frost, my trusty blade, and even salting the earth. They shrugged it off. Somehow or other, they shrugged it off.”

“I mean, I do have my secrets, but-“ Jey’ll began.

“I tried a good old-fashioned honorable sabotage and it didn’t work,” said Feldmir, darkly. “Your immortal turnips are disrespecting my celery, and it stops now.”

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Excerpted from the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium, Fifth Edition, incorporating materials from the Sorcerers & Sabers Interverse Guide.

URBAN MERFOLK
Medium Humanoid, True Neutral

Armor Class: 11
Hit Points: 10 (2d80 + 2)
Speed: 10 ft., swim 40 ft. (natural form) 20 ft. (in disguise)
STR: 10 (+0)
DEX: 13 (+1)
CON: 12 (+1)
INT: 11 (+0)
WIS: 11 (+0)
CHA: 12 (+1)
Skills: Perception +2
Senses: Passive Perception 12
Languages: Common, Merfolk
Challenge: ⅛ (25 XP)

Actions
Amphibious
Like all merfolk, they can breathe air or water, instantly switching between them with no penalty.

Minor Alter Self
Like some other merfolk, they have a limited for of Alter Self that allows them to rapidly switch between their merfolk tail and a pair of humanoid legs. This form can be maintained for up to 10 hours per day as long as it is followed by submergence, or for as long as 6 days at increasing risk with death occurring on the seventh day without submergence in water. Regardless of the amount of submergence, any amount of fresh or salt water beyond a few drops will immediately reverse the effect, which cannot be reapplied until dry.

Descritpion
With the ever-growing pollution and overfishing of the oceans, many coastal merfolk have moved into humanoid settlements for their own safety to avoid becoming bycatch. Most pose as humanoids to avoid detection, using innate abilities developed from centuries of such practices, to avoid prejudice and persecution. Given the nature of their disguise, which is undone with even a small amount of water leaving them vulnerable and exposed, urban merfolk somewhat counterintuitively prefer occupations that are high and dry.

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Excerpted from the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium, Fifth Edition, incorporating materials from the Sorcerers & Sabers Interverse Guide.

BUREACRASPHINX
Large Monstrosity, Lawful Neutral

Armor Class: 17 (natural armor)
Hit Points: 136 (16d10 + 48)
Speed: 40 ft., fly 60 ft.
STR: 18 (+4)
DEX: 15 (+2)
CON: 16 (+3)
INT: 18 (+4)
WIS: 18 (+4)
CHA: 11 (+0)
Skills: Arcana +12, History +12, Perception +8, Religion +8
Damage Resistances: bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical attacks
Condition Immunities: Charm, Fear
Senses: Truesight 120 ft., Passive Perception 18
Languages: Common, Sphinx, Bureaucracy
Challenge: 10 (6000 XP)

Actions
Multiattack
The bureaucrasphinx makes two claw attacks.

Claw
Melee Weapon Attack: +8 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 13 (2d8 + 4) slashing damage.

Secret Teleport
The sphinx magically teleports, along with any equipment it is wearing or carrying, up to 120 feet to an unoccupied space it can see. It may do this an unlimited number of times if unseen, but once observed teleporting by a sapient being, it must wait at least 24 hours or undergo a long rest before it can teleport agan.

Cast a Spell
The sphinx casts a spell from its list of prepared spells, using a spell slot as normal. The sphinx casts as a level 9 sorcerer.

Alter Self
The sphinx assumes the form of either a humanoid or a quasi-beastman combining features of its humanoid and sphinx forms, including wings. It may do this as a free action at any time and maintains the chosen form without concentration indefinitely, including unconsciousness but not death. High stress, agitation, or intense emotion may cause the sphinx to “slip” from one form to another, but never occurs in its natural form.

Descritpion
After seeing one of his retinue slain and devoured by a riddling sphinx, the sultan of Al-Kermah invited the sphinx and its kin to serve as administrators and bureaucrats. The sphinxes soon found that bureaucratic work suited them, and over the next five thousand years gradually became distinct form their brethren. While they still retain the formidable combat prowess of gyno- or andro-sphinxes, as well as a fondness for riddles, bureaucrasphinxes prefer to make their riddles matters of navigating labyrinthine rules, with the penalty being not the victim’s life but rather their time.

As such, bureaucrasphinxes tend to work low-level administrative jobs as administrative assistants, clerks, or motor vehicle inspectors. They are prized as such by high-level managers who do not wish to be bothered (as the sultan did not) and the revelation of their true nature often results in only a shrug. Their secret ability to teleport makes them particularly difficult to pin down, and more than one brave adventurer has been brought to despair and ruin by an encounter.

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Excerpted from the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium, Fifth Edition, incorporating materials from the Sorcerers & Sabers Interverse Guide.

JAVA DRAGON
Large dragon (Chromatic/Metallic), true neutral

Armor Class: 16 (natural armor)
Hit Points: 150 (15d10 + 50)
Speed: 40 ft., climb 40 ft., fly 80 ft.
STR: 23 (+6)
DEX: 10 (+0)
CON: 21 (+5)
INT: 16 (+3)
WIS: 11 (+0)
CHA: 19 (+4)
Saving Throws: Dex +4, Con +9, Wis +4, Cha +8
Skills: Perception +8, Stealth +4, Deception +5
Damage Immunities: fire, acid
Senses: blindsight 30 ft., darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 18
Languages: Common, Draconic, Coffeecant
Challenge: 10 (6000 XP)

Actions
Multiattack
The dragon makes three attacks: one with its bite and two with its claws.

Bite
Melee Weapon Attack: +10 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit: 17 (2d10 + 6) piercing damage plus 3 (1d6) fire damage. This action can only be used in the dragon’s natural or quasi-dragonborn forms; it does half-damage in the latter.

Claw
Melee Weapon Attack: +10 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 13 (2d6 + 6) slashing damage. This action can only be used in the dragon’s natural or quasi-dragonborn forms; it does half-damage in the latter.

Scalding Coffee Breath
(Recharge 5-6). The dragon exhales boiling hot black coffee in a 30-foot cone. Each creature in that area must make a DC 17 Dexterity saving throw, taking 25 (10d6) scalding damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one. This action can only be used in the dragon’s natural or quasi-dragonborn forms.

Coffee Break
Once per long rest, the dragon may imbibe coffee of any kind (including its own breath weapon) and gain the effects of a haste spell for one minute.

Alter Self
The dragon assumes the form of either a humanoid or a quasi-dragonborn combining features of its humanoid and dragon forms. It may do this as a free action at any time and maintains the chosen form without concentration indefinitely, including unconsciousness but not death. High stress, agitation, or intense emotion may cause the dragon to “slip” from one form to another, but never occurs in its natural form.

Descritpion
The product of an insane wizard’s crossbreeding attempts between chromatic (red), metallic (copper), and pseudo (coffeedrake) dragons, the java dragon is a powerful being suffused with the raw natural energy of caffeine itself. The original purpose, if any, behind their creation is long since lost, but many have speculated that the unknown and unnamed wizard was attempting to make the perfect barista.

Due to their origins, java dragons are viewed with contempt by red dragons and condescending pity by copper dragons, and are generally looked down upon or shunned by their other kin. The rare and exotic coffeedrakes are instantly drawn to them and always friendly, however, and a coffeedrake can be an effective way of identifying a java dragon in humanoid form. They are rarely, if ever, kept as companions or familiars by most java drakes for this reason.

Thanks to their inborn skills, most java dragons work as baristas in their humanoid forms, preferring large cities where they can remain concealed and aloof from dragonkind. In this guise they are incredibly effective, but they generally do not have the business acumen to run a coffee shop on their own without a partner. This, plus the ever-present risk of being discovered, leads many to remain low-level employees and move around frequently between employers. Some, though, have become successful enough to co-own shops and at least one java dragon, Sumatraan the Dark-Roasted, lives openly in her true form.

From hatching, java dragons are fluent in the coffeecant, the patois common to baristas and other java jockeys. Though it is primarily used for communicating coffee orders, the coffeecant can be used to convey basic information in most circumstances and can be used as a secret code when under duress. It is also used by java dragons to identify their fellows during those relatively rate times they seek each others’ company.

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