Pacifists & Paragons Module P2: OH, MY ACHING GIANTS!

The settlers of Shatterstone Valley have long had a peaceful detanté with the Shatterstone Band of hill giants – in return for tithes of food and clean water, the giants keep the peace along the northern border. BUT NO MORE! A rash of crippling arthritis attacks has paralyzed the giants, old and young alike, leaving the valley undefended and open the the depredations of the evil and hungry Marrowsplinter Band of giants to the north! Darker voices among the Shatterstone Peasants are afoot too, some saying that perhaps the time has come to be rid of the giants once and for all…!

Players will have to visit the tribes of giants to try and tackle their issues with joint aches and pains. But a thousand thousand years of tradition and toxic masculinity has made the giants unreceptive, even hostile, to medical aid. And how does a hot water cure work for an elephant-sized figure? The group will need to use their medical and anthropological skills to the utmost to render aid or risk being squashed to jelly. Ever try to intimidate a giant by pointing out how unattractive canes are? Be careful!

This P&P™ Adventure Module™ is suitable for player from level 2-5, and can be scaled for groups from 3-6. As with all P&P products, the only damage tables included are for use on YOU! Can you come to a pacifist solution to the crisis? We’d like to think so!

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The goblin matriarch Blatsuna lays dying from a difficult pregnancy, with the fate of her only heir on the line due to a breech presentation and a shortage of qualified goblin midwives. Leaderless, the goblin hordes of the Green Hills have begun to rampage out of control as Blatsuna’s lieutenants jockey for power in the event of her untimely death!

It is your job, as a group of clerics, healers, doctors, and magical anthropologists, to infiltrate the massive goblin complex of Snoothollow to give Blatsuna the aid she needs in delivering her baby. But it won’t be easy – in addition to hundreds of well-armed goblin troops and high-ranking lieutenants out for blood, you must contend with hundreds of years of goblin tradition, unsanitary conditions, and of course the mob of villagers ready to take up arms and purge the greenskins from their ancestral lands!

This P&P™ Adventure Module™ is suitable for player from level 1-4, and can be scaled for groups from 3-6. As with all P&P products, the only damage tables included are for use on YOU! Can you come to a pacifist solution to the crisis? We’d like to think so!

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Cascadia is home to a uniue brant of bed and breakfast, adventurous in more ways than one: the Dungeons and Dragons Bed and Breakfast, or D&D B&B. Staci Gvensdottir runs the establishment with her partner, Peter Smith, and like so many other desperately innovative business ideas it dates to the subprime mortgage crisis of 2008.

“Peter lost his job and I lost mine, within a few days of each other,” laughs Gvensdottir. “Just after we inked the lease on this place. So we had to do something fast, because banks were feeling awfully foreclosey back then!”

The solution lay in the massive collection of role playing books accumulated by the couple. Gvensdottir purchased new books as they came out, while Smith preferred to hoard classic tomes. “I’m a third edition and before nutcase,” says Smith. “As far as I’m concerned, if there ain’t THAC0, it ain’t Dungeons and Dragons.”

Gvensdottir and Smith wrote a few quick D&D campaigns that could be played with a variety of settings, characters, and systems. They then began advertising their home as a destination getaway for couples looking to do a little role playing. “Not neccessarily the sort of roleplaying everyone thinks of, admittedly,” says Gvensdottir. “We had a few very disappointed people in gimp masks show up.”

At first, Gvensdottir and Smith’s “D&D B&B” was advertised through word-of-mouth. “Our friends at the comic book shop and on listservs and message boards, mostly,” says Smith. “The first few were really just pity stays, but once word got out, we’ve been pretty constantly booked.”

A weekend at the D&D B&B begins with rolling character sheets in a living room from a classic 1880s lumber baron house, restored to its full glory. Guests either roll new characters or adapt prechosen ones and then set out on an adventure that will last from two days to over a week. Meals are provided, as are caffeinated beverages and salty/sugary snacks, and every few hours there is a fresh-air excursion to a local Cascadia landmark.

“The standard dungeon grind is by far the most popular,” says Gvensdottir. “People just love the thrill of delving deep into a castle dungeon to defeat an ancient evil.”

At the end of the stay, visitors have the option or purchasing their character sheets or leaving a copy on file for future adventures. Nearly all do, as the experience of 12-hour marathon dice-rolling sessions is not soon forgotten.

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Calamity Djinn
Female Halfling Rogue
STR 15, DEX 16, CON 13, INT 15, WIS 14, CHA 16
8HP, dagger 1d4, revolver 1d4 (3 shots)

The self-proclaimed scourge of the valley (the particular valley in question isn’t important), Calamity Djinn leads her band of robbers in a quest for phat lewt. She claims to be part djinn, but is most likely all halfling; she makes up for her small size with loud bluster and louder pistols. Her plans tend to be overly complex and grandiose, but her intimidating aspect and silver tongue have gotten her out of many a tight spot. As a rogue she can deal a 1d6 backstab, but only if she is sneaking, which requires her to be unobserved. Her pistols do not deal backstab damage.

Brutus Androgynous
Male (?) Half-Orc Barbarian
STR 17, DEX 15, CON 13, INT 8, WIS 7, CHA 5
10HP, Sword 1d4

Brutus is massively built but of indeterminate gender, with a high voice and penchant for baggy clothing that reveals little. He (?) is nevertheless a fierce foe on the battlefield, wielding sword and shield with a battle frenzy that is totally devoted to the gang. He (?) pledged an oath of total loyalty to Calamity after she saved him from a mine collapse, and hopes to eventually save enough money to purchase a small copper mine/bistro for dwarves.

Doc Points
Male Elf Cleric
STR 12, DEX 13, CON 7, INT 10, WIS 16, CHA 8
10HP, Rod 1d4, Revolver 1d6 (2 shots), Cure Light Wounds 1d4 (2 uses)

Aloyisus “Doc Points” Greenspringvale knows anatomy inside and out, and is a skilled physician. But his appetite for “long pork,” the flesh of sentient beings, has seen him lose many customers as he often lets the most delectable ones die. Being ill-suited for carnivory, he has filed his teeth to points which he uses to intimidate. Despite this, he is a weak fighter and a hemopheliac, which causes him to take and additional 1 HP of damage from every attack. If he must, he fights with an embossed rod of the goddess Kali or Griswold & Gunnison blackpowder revolver.

Missiles O’Houlihan
Female Human Mage
STR 6, DEX 8, CON 9, INT 16, WIS 12, CHA 14
5 HP, 1d2 dagger, Magic Missile 1d4 (2 uses)

Missy “Missiles” O’Houlihan specializes in magic missiles, and her inability to control her missilemania has seen her expelled and shunned from the fany boarding schools that her now-vanished family fortune got her access to. Immaculately dressed (as long as you don’t look close enough to notice the shabbiness), she has turned to outlawery to maintain her tastes for the finer things in life. If brought to 1-2 HP, she will attempt to flee.

Female Undead Fighter
STR 15, DEX 10, CON 0, INT 12, WIS 8, CHA 6
8 HP, 1d4 axe

Named for a distant ancestor, Skeletonia is an expert at picking herself back up after she’s been knocked down, largely by virtue of being a skeleton. Purely mercenrary and with very little attachment to her cohorts, this enchanted ambulatory skeleton wields a mean axe. She has the ability to collapse into a pile of seemingly dead bones only to rise after 1d4 turns, but prefers to use it to play possum than to lay ambushes. Despite being dead she prefers to wear melodramatic wigs and corsets.

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“I attempt to teach you, John, through the use of a mathematical equation,” said Ms. Deidre. A d20 rattled in her hand.

“Saving throw!” said John. “Saving throw! I save verses knowledge.”

“That’ll be a wisdom check,” said the classmaster. “Add or subtract your wisdom bonus from the roll.”

John rolled, confident that his low wisdom score would be his salvation. His d20 clattered down. “Natural 1. Damn!”

Ms. Deidre grinned. “Natural 20,” she said, grinning over her dice. “Critical success.”

“No!” cried John. “What about my knowledge resistance?”

“You rolled a 1, John, and she has a nat 20. I’m sorry, but you’re learning something.”

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The red dragon that had passed itself off as Ros Dos-Denarg, priestess of Jovan, glowered at the party from amid the ancient draconic ruins.

“Stand back!” cried Iffy the mage. “I’ve got a spell I’ve been saving for a situation like this!” Flipping through her spellbook in a whirl, she cried out an incantation and cast a pinch of ashes from a cursed fire onto the ground in front of her.

A pentagram spread upon the ground, serving as a gateway to the nether realms of the Abyss, from whence a terrifying demon with stunted wings and full red eyes pulled itself. It was gross, bloated, and reeking, far from the terrible demon one would expect from such a portal.

“Ugh, what IS that thing?” cried Tinuviel the halfling rogue.

“It smells awful!” added Adenan the halfling battlemistress.

“It’s a dretch,” said Iffy. “It can cast a spell of stinking cloud that should give us an edge against the dragon.”

“So wait,” said Chanel the elf cleric. “Did you just summon a fart demon to help us against the red dragon?”

“She did!” Tinuviel shouted. “She summoned a fart demon!”

“I did not! It’s nothing of the sort!” Iffy snapped back.

At that moment, the dretch loosed its attack. A pea-green soup of fog issued forth from the demon with a sphincter-rattling raspberry, flooding a good part of the chamber and sending Adenan gagging for clear air.

“Yeah. It’s a fart demon,” she said after the retching stopped. “It’s a fart demon.

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When Tinuviel woke up she wasn’t just in jail. She wasn’t just in a cell in the deepest part of the Welkor’s Light fortress. She was also in the body of a goblin.

“I asked you what we could do to keep from being possessed out of our bodies,” she cried. “Hours ago! But did anyone answer? NO!”

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