Cascadia is home to a uniue brant of bed and breakfast, adventurous in more ways than one: the Dungeons and Dragons Bed and Breakfast, or D&D B&B. Staci Gvensdottir runs the establishment with her partner, Peter Smith, and like so many other desperately innovative business ideas it dates to the subprime mortgage crisis of 2008.

“Peter lost his job and I lost mine, within a few days of each other,” laughs Gvensdottir. “Just after we inked the lease on this place. So we had to do something fast, because banks were feeling awfully foreclosey back then!”

The solution lay in the massive collection of role playing books accumulated by the couple. Gvensdottir purchased new books as they came out, while Smith preferred to hoard classic tomes. “I’m a third edition and before nutcase,” says Smith. “As far as I’m concerned, if there ain’t THAC0, it ain’t Dungeons and Dragons.”

Gvensdottir and Smith wrote a few quick D&D campaigns that could be played with a variety of settings, characters, and systems. They then began advertising their home as a destination getaway for couples looking to do a little role playing. “Not neccessarily the sort of roleplaying everyone thinks of, admittedly,” says Gvensdottir. “We had a few very disappointed people in gimp masks show up.”

At first, Gvensdottir and Smith’s “D&D B&B” was advertised through word-of-mouth. “Our friends at the comic book shop and on listservs and message boards, mostly,” says Smith. “The first few were really just pity stays, but once word got out, we’ve been pretty constantly booked.”

A weekend at the D&D B&B begins with rolling character sheets in a living room from a classic 1880s lumber baron house, restored to its full glory. Guests either roll new characters or adapt prechosen ones and then set out on an adventure that will last from two days to over a week. Meals are provided, as are caffeinated beverages and salty/sugary snacks, and every few hours there is a fresh-air excursion to a local Cascadia landmark.

“The standard dungeon grind is by far the most popular,” says Gvensdottir. “People just love the thrill of delving deep into a castle dungeon to defeat an ancient evil.”

At the end of the stay, visitors have the option or purchasing their character sheets or leaving a copy on file for future adventures. Nearly all do, as the experience of 12-hour marathon dice-rolling sessions is not soon forgotten.

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Calamity Djinn
Female Halfling Rogue
STR 15, DEX 16, CON 13, INT 15, WIS 14, CHA 16
8HP, dagger 1d4, revolver 1d4 (3 shots)

The self-proclaimed scourge of the valley (the particular valley in question isn’t important), Calamity Djinn leads her band of robbers in a quest for phat lewt. She claims to be part djinn, but is most likely all halfling; she makes up for her small size with loud bluster and louder pistols. Her plans tend to be overly complex and grandiose, but her intimidating aspect and silver tongue have gotten her out of many a tight spot. As a rogue she can deal a 1d6 backstab, but only if she is sneaking, which requires her to be unobserved. Her pistols do not deal backstab damage.


Brutus Androgynous
Male (?) Half-Orc Barbarian
STR 17, DEX 15, CON 13, INT 8, WIS 7, CHA 5
10HP, Sword 1d4

Brutus is massively built but of indeterminate gender, with a high voice and penchant for baggy clothing that reveals little. He (?) is nevertheless a fierce foe on the battlefield, wielding sword and shield with a battle frenzy that is totally devoted to the gang. He (?) pledged an oath of total loyalty to Calamity after she saved him from a mine collapse, and hopes to eventually save enough money to purchase a small copper mine/bistro for dwarves.


Doc Points
Male Elf Cleric
STR 12, DEX 13, CON 7, INT 10, WIS 16, CHA 8
10HP, Rod 1d4, Revolver 1d6 (2 shots), Cure Light Wounds 1d4 (2 uses)

Aloyisus “Doc Points” Greenspringvale knows anatomy inside and out, and is a skilled physician. But his appetite for “long pork,” the flesh of sentient beings, has seen him lose many customers as he often lets the most delectable ones die. Being ill-suited for carnivory, he has filed his teeth to points which he uses to intimidate. Despite this, he is a weak fighter and a hemopheliac, which causes him to take and additional 1 HP of damage from every attack. If he must, he fights with an embossed rod of the goddess Kali or Griswold & Gunnison blackpowder revolver.


Missiles O’Houlihan
Female Human Mage
STR 6, DEX 8, CON 9, INT 16, WIS 12, CHA 14
5 HP, 1d2 dagger, Magic Missile 1d4 (2 uses)

Missy “Missiles” O’Houlihan specializes in magic missiles, and her inability to control her missilemania has seen her expelled and shunned from the fany boarding schools that her now-vanished family fortune got her access to. Immaculately dressed (as long as you don’t look close enough to notice the shabbiness), she has turned to outlawery to maintain her tastes for the finer things in life. If brought to 1-2 HP, she will attempt to flee.


Skeletonia
Female Undead Fighter
STR 15, DEX 10, CON 0, INT 12, WIS 8, CHA 6
8 HP, 1d4 axe

Named for a distant ancestor, Skeletonia is an expert at picking herself back up after she’s been knocked down, largely by virtue of being a skeleton. Purely mercenrary and with very little attachment to her cohorts, this enchanted ambulatory skeleton wields a mean axe. She has the ability to collapse into a pile of seemingly dead bones only to rise after 1d4 turns, but prefers to use it to play possum than to lay ambushes. Despite being dead she prefers to wear melodramatic wigs and corsets.

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“I attempt to teach you, John, through the use of a mathematical equation,” said Ms. Deidre. A d20 rattled in her hand.

“Saving throw!” said John. “Saving throw! I save verses knowledge.”

“That’ll be a wisdom check,” said the classmaster. “Add or subtract your wisdom bonus from the roll.”

John rolled, confident that his low wisdom score would be his salvation. His d20 clattered down. “Natural 1. Damn!”

Ms. Deidre grinned. “Natural 20,” she said, grinning over her dice. “Critical success.”

“No!” cried John. “What about my knowledge resistance?”

“You rolled a 1, John, and she has a nat 20. I’m sorry, but you’re learning something.”

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The red dragon that had passed itself off as Ros Dos-Denarg, priestess of Jovan, glowered at the party from amid the ancient draconic ruins.

“Stand back!” cried Iffy the mage. “I’ve got a spell I’ve been saving for a situation like this!” Flipping through her spellbook in a whirl, she cried out an incantation and cast a pinch of ashes from a cursed fire onto the ground in front of her.

A pentagram spread upon the ground, serving as a gateway to the nether realms of the Abyss, from whence a terrifying demon with stunted wings and full red eyes pulled itself. It was gross, bloated, and reeking, far from the terrible demon one would expect from such a portal.

“Ugh, what IS that thing?” cried Tinuviel the halfling rogue.

“It smells awful!” added Adenan the halfling battlemistress.

“It’s a dretch,” said Iffy. “It can cast a spell of stinking cloud that should give us an edge against the dragon.”

“So wait,” said Chanel the elf cleric. “Did you just summon a fart demon to help us against the red dragon?”

“She did!” Tinuviel shouted. “She summoned a fart demon!”

“I did not! It’s nothing of the sort!” Iffy snapped back.

At that moment, the dretch loosed its attack. A pea-green soup of fog issued forth from the demon with a sphincter-rattling raspberry, flooding a good part of the chamber and sending Adenan gagging for clear air.

“Yeah. It’s a fart demon,” she said after the retching stopped. “It’s a fart demon.

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When Tinuviel woke up she wasn’t just in jail. She wasn’t just in a cell in the deepest part of the Welkor’s Light fortress. She was also in the body of a goblin.

“I asked you what we could do to keep from being possessed out of our bodies,” she cried. “Hours ago! But did anyone answer? NO!”

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These are the truths that we of the Elder set forth, recorded this year 1051 post-Calamity in the great Caldera.

Of Makuun Welkor, Our Founder and Guiding Light
We record not from which elvish nation Makuun Welkor came, nor do we record what name he was given before taking one of his own fashioning. Makuun comes from our old word for “bearer” and Welkor is derived from the archaic name our forebears once held for the great sun. As our Sun-Bearer, Welkor brought light to the darkness of the Caldera. He brought our people here, uniting disparate elves in common cause, construction, concordance. He recognized that only in the magical stew left over from the great Calamity would we survive, would we thrive. To him and his male heirs, we pledge our unending fealty.

Of Xan the Wise, Our Patron and Protector
Long forgotten by our elvish brethren, Xan is a deity apart from the pantheon in that he recognizes knowledge not as a means to an end but as an end unto itself. So we pay him homage through the act of scholarship, through the act of creation, through the act of research. Each piece of knowledge added to the great library pleases him greatly. Xan knows, as we must, that knowledge is beyond good, beyond evil. We must not let our petty concerns interfere with our worship of the supreme wisdom that our Light illuminates.

Of the Tenets of Xanism at Welkor
Makuun Welkor, in his wisdom, helped the first elven settlers at Welkor’s Light to distill their great deity’s wishes into a series of simple commandments:

Isolation – The elves of Welkor’s Light are to hold themselves separate from all other races, even from other elves. Only through banishment or the explicit needs of their community are they to leave the Light. Only those who have proven themselves with gifts of knowledge may be permitted temporary access to the Light.

Experimentation – The Light shines, and is fed, by knowledge. Only through magical experimentation can this be brought about. There are no limits, no boundaries, no consequences beyond the immediate. Xan must be fed and feted with the fruits of elven research until the end of days when all that is knowable has become known.

Preservation – The Light preserves, hoards, and catalogs all knowledge that exists, whether generated by the elves of the Light or external sources. It is not to be parted with. It is not to be shared except with the most trusted of allies.

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Jylas Durothane
The current Lord of Welkor’s Light. A descendant of Welkor himself, he has been controversial among the elves of that settlement for his willingness to bend their ancient rules and embrace change. A powerful fighter and mage, he served as the captain of the guard before the deaths of his uncle and cousin led to him inheriting the lordship.

Aznaj Durothane
The only child of Jylas and the crown prince. Unlike his father, he holds deeply to the ancient tenets of Welkor’s Light: isolation, experimentation, and preservation. As such, he has been the primary enforcer of the citadel’s draconian entrance requirements. He serves as the current captain of the guard and is also a powerful rogue-mage.

Myna Durothane
The wife of Jylas, and a cleric-mage responsible for the worship of the local elven deity Xan the Wise. Intolerant as she is fervent, Myna’s temperament informs her son much more than her husband’s does. She is particularly suspicious of outside clerics, and attempt to convert them or confiscate their weapons or holy symbols.

Tosaj Felyeager
The court mage of Welkor’s Light, and the eldest of the elves present there. Despite his age and the level of respect that Xen-worshippers are encouraged to show the elderly, he has been written off as paranoid and insane and has taken to self-harm and lunatic ravings.

Kyria Wormwander
One of the youngest elves in Welkor’s Light, the daughter of the late lord Quill Wormwander and, like Jylas, a direct descendant of Welkor. Passed over for the lordship due to the elves’ laws on primogeniture, she seethes with resentment despite a peppy exterior. A cleric-mage like Myna, she is devoted to Xen and the traditions of Welkor.

Red
Red is not a name but a title, handed down from master to apprentice. A rogue/mage, Red is sworn to silence and acts as the curator of the vast holdings and library of Welkor’s Light. S/he will protect the artifacts and books with his/her life, and will respond to requests only in signs.

Blade Sentinels
The elite fighter-mages of Welkor’s Light, the Blade Sentinels are renowned for their speed and combat prowess. They always move first in combat and can attack independently with their two weapons: a bound elven sword and a spelldagger. The bound sword is a simple but finely wrought blade, but the spelldagger is far more dangerous: when used against a mage or cleric, it drains one of their spells and grants it to the Blade Sentinel. 0th-level spells are taken first, then 1st-level spells, and so on. The spells are stolen on a damage roll of 3-4 and cast in the same round on d20 roll of 16 or higher.

Crimson Enforcers
The militia of Welkor’s Light, in which every able-bodied elf is required to serve. They are armed with +2 bound scimitars and +2 crossbows of wounding, which cause an additional 1 point of bleeding damage per round. Despite the quality of these weapons, the Enforcers are no match for the Blade Sentinels to whom they ultimately answer.

Goblins
A colony of goblins resides within Welkor’s walls. Traditionally regarded as property, they have generally had their tongues cut out at birth, rendering them unable to speak except in a sign language that only those authorized to command them are taught. Jylas has opposed this practice but has been overruled by his wife and son.

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