Mouse of Farts
A mouse made of living flautus comes into being at the point the caster designates. It will roam, randomly farting, throughout the combat area for a number of rounds equal to 1d6 + caster’s level. All creatures of less than 4 hit dice must perform a fortitude save with a DC15 or lose their next action to uncontrollable retching. This includes both hostiles and party members as well as the caster. Party members and creatures with more than 4 hit dice save at a +10 and may still make free actions while retching.

Fomend’s Beating Sphere
A small sphere of solid metal comes into being at the caster’s fingertips and flies directly for the crotch of the targeted enemy. It will beat at the targeted crotch for 1d4 + caster’s level rounds. If the target is male or otherwise has vulnerable genitalia, each beating will cause 1d4 damage and has a 25% chance of immobilizing the target with pain for 1 round. If the target is female or has genital armor, the beating sphere has no effect. Targets of 4 hit dice or greater may make a reflex save at DC 18 to swat the sphere out of the air to avoid its effects.

Barking Stones
2d8 stones in the vicinity begin loudly barking and snarling as if they were highly agitated guard dogs. The sound will cause creatures of 2 hit dice or less to make a morale check or flee in terror. The stones gain +1 to their effect if they are behind a fortification such as a wall or door, as it is more difficult to trace the source of the noise. The effect lasts for 1d12 rounds and cannot be extended. Stones are required for the effect but may be carried by the caster. Smashing the stones ends the effect.

Q’s Invisibility
The caster or a being they designate becomes invisible for 1d4 + caster’s level rounds. The invisibility only affects the bring itself, not any of their clothing or gear. It also prevents the affected from interacting with any matter, including their clothing or gear. The affected may wander at the same height above (or below) sea level that they were at when the spell was cast, but will move through any higher ground and will hover above any lower ground. If the affected is in the air when the spell dissipates, they will incur the appropriate falling damage. If they are in the ground, they will violently displace any matter occupying the same space and may suffer from suffocation.

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Burping Light Sin
The caster designates a target within eyesight. If the target fails a will save, target will begin burping uncontrollably for 1d6 rounds. If the target is 3 hit dice or less, the constant burping will inflict a -1 to hit penalty and a -1 to armor class, as well as -1 to all saving throws. Targets with 4 hit dice or more will only suffer a save penalty. Stealth is impossible while the spell is in effect. At the GM’s discretion, creatures with noxious properties may expel a burp cloud with negative effects while enchanted.

Vicious Markers
A series of 1d4 magic markers will appear at the caster’s fingertips. At the caster’s command they will engage a target and mark it up for 2d6 rounds. The marks made will be randomly selected from the following list for each round the spell is in effect:

-dinosaurs
-random scribbles
-curse words
-flying saucers
-Blarney the Friendly Purple Orc
-The Musical Thrones™ series
-barnyard animals
-stick figures

Marks made on unliving surfaces are indelible and will only wear off with the passage of time (6 months-1 year) while marks made on living tissue may be scrubbed off (10 rounds scriubbing per square foot). The marks do not impede combat unless they get in a target creature’s eyes, but they will make it more difficult to see and serve as a distraction (-1 to perception rolls, -1 to saving throws, -1 to ranged attack rolls). Creatures without a sense of humor and creatures that are easily distracted may also suffer a -1 to armor class.

Cow of Auraly
At the caster’s command a large magical cow (2000 lbs) will appear at the spot designated. The magical cow will have the stats of a Herd Animal, Bison, although it will not attack. It will, however, follow the directions of the caster in moving around the battlefield, and can attempt to push away melee attackers as a grappling action. The cow will otherwise act as an obstacle, and grant +10 AC versus missile weapons to characters hiding behind it. The cow can and will take damage and it will dissipate when its hit points are exhausted. The cow may also be ridden or used to bear burdens, but it will only last for a number of rounds equal to 1d12 + the caster’s level.

Gland Growth
This spell has a range of 10 feet. Any target within the spell radius designated by the caster will have a random gland in their body swell to many times its original size. The effect will last for 1d4 rounds and will vary based on the gland that is enlarged:

Salivary gland – target will drool uncontrollably and choke
Pancreas – target’s abdoment will expand painfully and they may go into glycemic shock
Liver – target’s abdomen will swell painfully and they may be affected with jaundice
Lacrimal glands – target will be blinded and weep uncontrollably
Mamary glands – target (male or female) will lactate uncontrollably
Pituitary gland/Hypothalamus – target’s head will painfully enlarge and brain functions may be impaired
Thyroid – target will develop a large goiter that will make it difficult to move their head and neck
Testes/ovaries – target’s lower abdomen will swell painfully and they may be unable to move and more vulnerable to critical hits

The target must have a gland of the type chosen for the spell to work, and the magic will fail if no suitable gland exists.

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Cascadia is home to a uniue brant of bed and breakfast, adventurous in more ways than one: the Dungeons and Dragons Bed and Breakfast, or D&D B&B. Staci Gvensdottir runs the establishment with her partner, Peter Smith, and like so many other desperately innovative business ideas it dates to the subprime mortgage crisis of 2008.

“Peter lost his job and I lost mine, within a few days of each other,” laughs Gvensdottir. “Just after we inked the lease on this place. So we had to do something fast, because banks were feeling awfully foreclosey back then!”

The solution lay in the massive collection of role playing books accumulated by the couple. Gvensdottir purchased new books as they came out, while Smith preferred to hoard classic tomes. “I’m a third edition and before nutcase,” says Smith. “As far as I’m concerned, if there ain’t THAC0, it ain’t Dungeons and Dragons.”

Gvensdottir and Smith wrote a few quick D&D campaigns that could be played with a variety of settings, characters, and systems. They then began advertising their home as a destination getaway for couples looking to do a little role playing. “Not neccessarily the sort of roleplaying everyone thinks of, admittedly,” says Gvensdottir. “We had a few very disappointed people in gimp masks show up.”

At first, Gvensdottir and Smith’s “D&D B&B” was advertised through word-of-mouth. “Our friends at the comic book shop and on listservs and message boards, mostly,” says Smith. “The first few were really just pity stays, but once word got out, we’ve been pretty constantly booked.”

A weekend at the D&D B&B begins with rolling character sheets in a living room from a classic 1880s lumber baron house, restored to its full glory. Guests either roll new characters or adapt prechosen ones and then set out on an adventure that will last from two days to over a week. Meals are provided, as are caffeinated beverages and salty/sugary snacks, and every few hours there is a fresh-air excursion to a local Cascadia landmark.

“The standard dungeon grind is by far the most popular,” says Gvensdottir. “People just love the thrill of delving deep into a castle dungeon to defeat an ancient evil.”

At the end of the stay, visitors have the option or purchasing their character sheets or leaving a copy on file for future adventures. Nearly all do, as the experience of 12-hour marathon dice-rolling sessions is not soon forgotten.

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The red dragon that had passed itself off as Ros Dos-Denarg, priestess of Jovan, glowered at the party from amid the ancient draconic ruins.

“Stand back!” cried Iffy the mage. “I’ve got a spell I’ve been saving for a situation like this!” Flipping through her spellbook in a whirl, she cried out an incantation and cast a pinch of ashes from a cursed fire onto the ground in front of her.

A pentagram spread upon the ground, serving as a gateway to the nether realms of the Abyss, from whence a terrifying demon with stunted wings and full red eyes pulled itself. It was gross, bloated, and reeking, far from the terrible demon one would expect from such a portal.

“Ugh, what IS that thing?” cried Tinuviel the halfling rogue.

“It smells awful!” added Adenan the halfling battlemistress.

“It’s a dretch,” said Iffy. “It can cast a spell of stinking cloud that should give us an edge against the dragon.”

“So wait,” said Chanel the elf cleric. “Did you just summon a fart demon to help us against the red dragon?”

“She did!” Tinuviel shouted. “She summoned a fart demon!”

“I did not! It’s nothing of the sort!” Iffy snapped back.

At that moment, the dretch loosed its attack. A pea-green soup of fog issued forth from the demon with a sphincter-rattling raspberry, flooding a good part of the chamber and sending Adenan gagging for clear air.

“Yeah. It’s a fart demon,” she said after the retching stopped. “It’s a fart demon.

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These are the truths that we of the Elder set forth, recorded this year 1051 post-Calamity in the great Caldera.

Of Makuun Welkor, Our Founder and Guiding Light
We record not from which elvish nation Makuun Welkor came, nor do we record what name he was given before taking one of his own fashioning. Makuun comes from our old word for “bearer” and Welkor is derived from the archaic name our forebears once held for the great sun. As our Sun-Bearer, Welkor brought light to the darkness of the Caldera. He brought our people here, uniting disparate elves in common cause, construction, concordance. He recognized that only in the magical stew left over from the great Calamity would we survive, would we thrive. To him and his male heirs, we pledge our unending fealty.

Of Xan the Wise, Our Patron and Protector
Long forgotten by our elvish brethren, Xan is a deity apart from the pantheon in that he recognizes knowledge not as a means to an end but as an end unto itself. So we pay him homage through the act of scholarship, through the act of creation, through the act of research. Each piece of knowledge added to the great library pleases him greatly. Xan knows, as we must, that knowledge is beyond good, beyond evil. We must not let our petty concerns interfere with our worship of the supreme wisdom that our Light illuminates.

Of the Tenets of Xanism at Welkor
Makuun Welkor, in his wisdom, helped the first elven settlers at Welkor’s Light to distill their great deity’s wishes into a series of simple commandments:

Isolation – The elves of Welkor’s Light are to hold themselves separate from all other races, even from other elves. Only through banishment or the explicit needs of their community are they to leave the Light. Only those who have proven themselves with gifts of knowledge may be permitted temporary access to the Light.

Experimentation – The Light shines, and is fed, by knowledge. Only through magical experimentation can this be brought about. There are no limits, no boundaries, no consequences beyond the immediate. Xan must be fed and feted with the fruits of elven research until the end of days when all that is knowable has become known.

Preservation – The Light preserves, hoards, and catalogs all knowledge that exists, whether generated by the elves of the Light or external sources. It is not to be parted with. It is not to be shared except with the most trusted of allies.

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Jylas Durothane
The current Lord of Welkor’s Light. A descendant of Welkor himself, he has been controversial among the elves of that settlement for his willingness to bend their ancient rules and embrace change. A powerful fighter and mage, he served as the captain of the guard before the deaths of his uncle and cousin led to him inheriting the lordship.

Aznaj Durothane
The only child of Jylas and the crown prince. Unlike his father, he holds deeply to the ancient tenets of Welkor’s Light: isolation, experimentation, and preservation. As such, he has been the primary enforcer of the citadel’s draconian entrance requirements. He serves as the current captain of the guard and is also a powerful rogue-mage.

Myna Durothane
The wife of Jylas, and a cleric-mage responsible for the worship of the local elven deity Xan the Wise. Intolerant as she is fervent, Myna’s temperament informs her son much more than her husband’s does. She is particularly suspicious of outside clerics, and attempt to convert them or confiscate their weapons or holy symbols.

Tosaj Felyeager
The court mage of Welkor’s Light, and the eldest of the elves present there. Despite his age and the level of respect that Xen-worshippers are encouraged to show the elderly, he has been written off as paranoid and insane and has taken to self-harm and lunatic ravings.

Kyria Wormwander
One of the youngest elves in Welkor’s Light, the daughter of the late lord Quill Wormwander and, like Jylas, a direct descendant of Welkor. Passed over for the lordship due to the elves’ laws on primogeniture, she seethes with resentment despite a peppy exterior. A cleric-mage like Myna, she is devoted to Xen and the traditions of Welkor.

Red
Red is not a name but a title, handed down from master to apprentice. A rogue/mage, Red is sworn to silence and acts as the curator of the vast holdings and library of Welkor’s Light. S/he will protect the artifacts and books with his/her life, and will respond to requests only in signs.

Blade Sentinels
The elite fighter-mages of Welkor’s Light, the Blade Sentinels are renowned for their speed and combat prowess. They always move first in combat and can attack independently with their two weapons: a bound elven sword and a spelldagger. The bound sword is a simple but finely wrought blade, but the spelldagger is far more dangerous: when used against a mage or cleric, it drains one of their spells and grants it to the Blade Sentinel. 0th-level spells are taken first, then 1st-level spells, and so on. The spells are stolen on a damage roll of 3-4 and cast in the same round on d20 roll of 16 or higher.

Crimson Enforcers
The militia of Welkor’s Light, in which every able-bodied elf is required to serve. They are armed with +2 bound scimitars and +2 crossbows of wounding, which cause an additional 1 point of bleeding damage per round. Despite the quality of these weapons, the Enforcers are no match for the Blade Sentinels to whom they ultimately answer.

Goblins
A colony of goblins resides within Welkor’s walls. Traditionally regarded as property, they have generally had their tongues cut out at birth, rendering them unable to speak except in a sign language that only those authorized to command them are taught. Jylas has opposed this practice but has been overruled by his wife and son.

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Gibberlings of the Caldera, as their name may indicate, are generally unorganized and rather stupid. While it is possible to comprehend their native language of Gibberlish, and many do, they are generally too hyperactive or easily distracted to form lasting societies or empires. Without a strong non-gibberling leader, they seem doomed to a society of mediocrity.

The one known exception in Caldera lore is the mighty Gibberking Gus the First.

Arising from humble origins, Gus the First was able to, through unknown means, forge a legion of Caldera gibberlings into an organized society. Bursting forth from their undergound lairs upon unsuspecting Caldera farmers, the Gibberking’s troope were able to conquer the largest gibberling empire the Caldera has ever seen: 20 square miles. Perhaps coincidentally, 20 miles is the furthest a gibberling can scamper before losing interest or being distracted by shiny things.

Such was Gus the First’s prestige that even the mighty general Minaka the Conqueror saw fit to leave his realm alone after her scouting patrols were devoured to the gristle. She instead accepted units of gibberling troops to add to her army and proclaimed Gus the “Gibberking of the Gibbermarch.”

Sadly for Gibbercivilization, Gus the First’s empire failed to ourlive him. The cause was twofold: first, knowing the short natural lifespan of a gibberling, Gus the First immediately put his entire civilization to work building him a grand tomb. The craftsmanship and treasures on display were astonishing, especially by gibberling standards: a pyramid of glittering and polished stone, protected by devious mechanical traps and living dead soldiers.

Naturally, nearly the entire population of Gus the First’s empire was worked to death in its construction.

Gus the First also failed to sire an heir, as he packed his court with handsome young male favorites instead. Indeed, the need for tomb guardians was a smokescreen for the mummification and preservation of a legion of nubile gibberlings for an eternal orgy. Upon his death, his 20 square miles rapidly fragmented among competing gibberlings who each claimed (falsely) to be Gus the First’s brother, son, or father.

To this day, many gibberlings in the Caldera claim descent or relation to Gus the First, and he remains an important folk hero to gibberkind. “Gus” remains the most popular name for gibberling males (with “Gussina” prevailing among females). The typical gibberling band of 10-12 members will often have up to seven members named Gus in honor of their first and only Gibberking.

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